fear and resentment

[Endearing lil Influenza]

how do you deal with this?...


I am getting tired

 

[beetlequeendiva]

Aww I'm sorry that you're getting tired

 

[Truly Blessed]

Fear is something I have had to deal with all my life. I was afraid of my own shadow - not quite litarally but you get the point. From being afraid of people to being afraid of failure. I basically derailed my military career because I was afraid I would not be able to handle the responsibilities at the next higher level. So, I got to a point where I knew I could retire at a certain rank and I sabotaged any further promotions. Right before I retired I was petrified of getting out of the military and getting a civilian job after 20 years. I went to therapy prior to getting out and I was a basket case. Today, I dont have very much fear, but then I am not doing anything challenging either. After 2 years at a dead end job, I am looking at changing professions. I am again afraid of failure. The thing is this is not justified. I have never failed at anything. Well, I was kept back one grade. But, I guess I must have believed the trash that I told myself - your worthless, can't do anything, ugly, stupid, ..... you can tell me to stop any time now. I don't remember how I aquired the ability of self loathing so much. But when I do jump on changing professions, I will be doing a lot of praying along with positive reinforcement.

 

[ZACTAK]

I fear a lot. In the house I was raised in, I was always being made fun of for something by my dad, being mocked, you name it, it was done. So now I am very shy and very hard on myself. I love to meet new people but I fear them because they will make fun of me, or that they will defy my trust as it has been proven to me just in the past few months. It is hard to deal with, but the way I am trying to overcome my fear of meeting new people is by realizing that there are always going to be mean people in this world, but everyone is not like that, and I just have to deal with it if it happens... they aren't worth me, my time or letting them get to me. I am also looking within myself and trying to love myself for who I am.

 

[Ssarl]

First of all, to the lot of you...

Flu,
Right now I my anxiety levels are so high it actually *hurts*. The only thing I feel like doing is sleeping (which I have done now for practically two weeks). You're not the only one in this pit... but I do know one thing that helps. Pray *incessently*. Talk to our Father. Let Him know how much you hurt and ask Him to show you how much He cares. He never hesitates with me, even if I have to ask Him a hundred times a day when I find it so difficult to remember.

At this times, it's so easy to forget the truth - you've been adopted into God's family, you're His daughter, and you're precious to Him. Jesus Christ is not ashamed to say He's your brother... You are loved personally, powerfully and passionately, and one day, there'll be no more pain to stop us seeing that. We'll share in His love for eternity...

I know how hard it can be to accept these truths, but I urge you, cling to whatever truth you can handle with all your might!

I may be totally off base here, but this is how I stir myself up: I heighten my fears through guilt and punishment. I actually feel bad *because* I am scared, because I am 'weak' and 'pathetic'. If it makes me unable to work then I work myself up about what I should have done and how behind I now am - which makes more fear, more guilt, more fear... I have no idea if this has anything to do with you, but it's something God really laid on my heart lately to stop. Don't be unfair on yourself; this is not the way it's meant to be. God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power and love and sound mind.

TrulyBlessed,
I can totally relate - I'd never failed (in the academic sense of the word, I mean) anything in my entire life until a year ago. Last semester, I quit - not failed, but quit - because I was basically on the verge of death or psychiatric breakdown for an entire semester. It had nothing at all to do with my ability, but now, I have a huge complex about it. At this point I am looking to fail things I am perfectly capable of just because I am too afraid to do them. I procrastinate not because I'm lazy, but almost as a form of self-harm... right now, I am at 'make or break' point - either I let God help me out of it, or I lose it completely.

I have discovered that I can express my self-hate quite effectively by sabotaging myself; and so I end up ruining everything I might possibly enjoy. My internal dialogue too is nothing short of sadistic, I would never dream of saying these things about another living soul.

Something I am finally beginning to realise that I really hope you'll be able to see to is this: God does not look at us this way. We are his sons; He loves us, He doesn't hold the impossible standards we do. You are most definately *not* stupid; and it's not what matters anyhow. You have a beautiful soul, you're a mighty man of God - that's what's important.

NFSteelers,
Thank you for sharing. My family are also very mocking people and they just can't understand how much it hurts, they just see it as an ordinary way for families to act. The thing is, when there's a total abscence of praise and reassurance, the mockery becomes the only thing to base self-esteem on... not fun. I didn't trust anybody either, and didn't really have much reason to! It's only now, approaching my nineteenth year, that I am hearing for the first time that people have confidence in me, and I finally have friends that I trust. I pray that God will bring people into your life that you can trust and who will encourage you to discover your true worth in Christ.

To all of you,
If you *ever* want to talk about this or need prayer, please don't hesitate to let me know.

In Christ's Love,
Your brother,
Andrew