fatigue

[Mark Dohle]

Fatigue.
“When you are tired, think of My fatigue.

Bossis, Gabrielle. He and I (p. 44).Pauline Books and Media. Kindle Edition
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Most people are acquainted with fatigue. I think for most it comes and goes, and we can feel fatigued for more than one reason. I have always had some trouble with fatigue. I am a light sleeper, and I seem to start dreaming as soon as I fall asleep, so that could add to one reason why I feel fatigued often. I also need time to recharge to get some energy back. Sometimes I am so tired that it is hard to recharge, since being fatigued can make me restless. So, I struggle to make peace with this issue.

Since I had COVID last January, my fatigue pretty much doubled, but does not interfere with my duties or my monastic times of prayer, at least in the morning hours. I also realize the some of the increase in fatigue is due to my age.
I fear being alone when so tired, since I tend to fall asleep when reading, or trying to pray. Some of my reticence is due also to my lack of discipline when it comes to dealing with this issue. The Lord is kind, and slowly I am learning to live with it. I have found that if I stick with prayer, or Lectio, sometimes the fatigue lifts a bit and I do not fall asleep. I am thankful for that.

I was talking to one of the retreatants last night about aging. I did say that I do not fear aging, and do not want to be any younger, but my body certainly feels the weight of years. It is something that is part and parcel of this adventure we call life.

This morning, as I was having breakfast, I was talking to the Lord and stated that I can feel some anxiety about where my diminishment is taking me. I was thankful for this experience, because it allows me to face my own personal walk with aging and learning to trust during times of actual fear.

Yet, my inner joy is growing, as well as trust, so when my weakening becomes something major, I can continue to trust in God’s love and presence in my life.

Jesus experienced all things human, yet always took the next step. I believe that His life was harder than anyone else because of his deep love for each of us, and His infinite compassion, as well as empathy he has for us. It is hard to accept the personal love of God, the Infinite, the Other, yet that is the revelation of Jesus Christ who shows us the love of the Father.

So over time, I am slowly learning to pray in times of fatigue with God’s grace. Aging is a gift, but one has to have faith to believe that. It is downward journey when it comes to diminishment, but an upward journey to keep faith as we realize that our long journey, which passes by so quickly, is coming to an end sooner rather than later.-Br.MD