Father in law

[Kel Il]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this but...

My father in law is a real jerk. I don't really care how he feels about me or treats me, but the way he upsets my wife just really infuriates me. He constantly tells her he is coming to visit only to back out at the last minute. He has nothing to do with my son, his grandchild, and he tries to make my wife feel guilty about things. He wants us to come and visit him constantly despite the fact that he knows financially we are just not in a position for that. If he wasn't taking trips all the time none of this would bother me, but the last time he backed out we found out he took a trip that same weekend to the beach. He would have had to drive through where we lived to get there. I try to just let it go, but when you hurt the people I care about that is hard. Any advice on how to just ignore this travesty?

 

[SharonL]

This sounds rash but the only answer is to 'just ignore' - my mother was a lot like this - constantly putting guilt on me, constantly critizing me. I was bless at one point where she hurt me so much that it was the end of all hurts. She continued on in this manner, but I just didn't care any more - I continued to be the daughter to care for her all do what I could -but I never shed another tear over her.

Your wife will have to get to this point - my mother said I became hard hearted - but whatever you call it - you have to get to that point. If he says he is coming - fine - don't go out of your way to prepare - if he doesn't come - you will be better off.

There is nothing you or your wife can do to change him - so you have to change your thinking. Don't put much emphasis on what he says he is going to do. Sometimes they do it for attention - if they don't get the attention - they will do better (won't quit) but will do better.

Just continue on with your family and do not let him upset you and don't put much emphasis on what he says or what he does. Sounds cruel, but I dealt with it for many, many years and until I got to the point that I said outloud to myself 'you will never hurt me again' and I stuck to that. The family was better off with my new way of thinking and I certainly was. When you do all you can do and it still isn't enough - it's time to change you because you can't change another person. Blessings

 

[4christ88]

I believe the best thing is to LOVE him, not just with your mind and on your own sheer will power, but with the help of God. PRAY for God to soften your father-in-law's heart, pray for his eyes to open to see how he's hurting his family. The more you spend time on your knees for someone, the more easier it is to love and forgive even though he constantly hurts you. Like when one of Jesus disciple's asked him that how many times are we to just keep forgiving and Jesus'reply was "70 x 7" times..meaning we should keep forgiving.

Take time to study 1 Corinthians 13 and ask God for the grace for you and your wife to love her father. In this chapter, it talks about a love that can only come from God, it is divine..because it is impossible for humans to love anyone to that extent. To sum up, it talks about a love that bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things. A love that is kind, patient, keep no record of wrongs and focuses on the right things a person does.

I know it is painful and difficult, but trust me, take your hurt to God...cry, scream, do whatever you have to do to get all our frustrations and anger out before the feet of Jesus and watch how He will heal your pain. I'm talking from experience.. (well not about me having a troublesome father-in-law)

God bless

 

[Inkachu]

Let him be who he is, and live your own lives. If it's too hurtful to constantly have him making and breaking plans, stop making plans with him, or make them sparingly, and agree beforehand that, if he backs out, you won't get upset. Have a backup Plan B in case he bails on you, you two go to a movie or something so you aren't home alone feeling rejected.

When it comes to relatives, you either take them as they are, or keep a distance. Quietly resenting someone for years and years will do nothing but make everyone bitter.

 

[lsdj]

I'll probably get flamed for this but when my pa-in-law started to try and "run" our life, after many, many heart-felt pleas to stop, we finally just decided to not communicate with him at all. We tried everything.....prayer, "kill him with kindness", appeals to mom-in-law for intercession.....everything. I know it saddened my wife to no end but she agreed that a breaking point had been met and exceeded and we (as far as we could tell at the time) had no other option.

Flash-forward 4yrs and we re-established contact. All was fine, for a while. Mom-in-law survived breast cancer. I figured that would be the turning point for him as he got a real up close view of what life possibly looked like minus his wife. But, like I said, it only lasted a little while. This past week, during the 4th of July celebrations, the whole family got together. The fun lasted about an hour or two. He just went off the deep end telling my wife and I how we had failed our children by not encouraging them to be doctors/lawyers/engineers. And that my stance for them to "do what makes them happy" is asinine, as I should have been forcing their hand to go to college. My wife sat silently in tears while I held my tongue and just let it roll off my back. She knew I was seething underneath. Whatever.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice........well, you know the rest.

And now for the flaming part......some people just don't deserve your love. I'll leave my father-in-law to God from now on. I clearly have neither the patience or insight to deal with him any longer. That may make me the lesser person but I've just decided life is too short and dealing with him only brings my wife turmoil. And I won't allow that any longer.

Sorry for the rant but that felt good typing all of it out.

 

[Inkachu]

lsdj, I don't disagree with you at all.

My parents (both of them, for different reasons) can be VERY hard to deal with. I was raised to believe that it's your obligation to stay engaged in the lives of family members; not doing so wasn't an option. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized it IS an option. Being related to me doesn't give you the right to make me uncomfortable. I can love you and care about you, but I will have boundaries, and I won't be "guilted" into stuff anymore. My mother especially, would endure utter and absolute misery putting up with things or people, because she feels obligated to do it. I won't do that. She's told me all my life that I need to do the same, and I just had to learn to disagree, and be OK with disagreeing with her.

Your father in law sounds a lot like my dad. Every conversation... every visit... would turn into "what might have been" or "what should have been" or "what went wrong with you as a kid". I finally just stopped responding. I'd just say "mmhmm" or "yup" or try to turn the topic of conversation. It doesn't work. Some people - especially older people - find it almost impossible to let go of the past. My dad has the same sob stories that he tells people - everyone he meets, in fact - and he's been telling them for 30 years. I finally accepted that he'll never stop, and I can't change it. Now his memory is starting to fail, and I just let him talk because I feel sorry for him, and I figure, at 86 years old, he can tell his stories if he wants to, it's not hurting me, it's just him being himself.

 

[lsdj]

lsdj, I don't disagree with you at all.

Whoa....didn't expect to hear that. Thanks, I guess. Although I wish neither of us (nor the OP) had to be made to tread in these particular waters, so to speak. I'm just so....what's a good word....flabbergasted, maybe...at how callous a person can be towards their own child. Their own grandchildren. It literally leaves me speechless when I think about it. And the times that he did it right in front of me, I am convinced it was the Holy Spirit that afforded me the strength to be speechless at that moment. Because had I said what I really wanted to say, my witness would have been lost forever with regard to him.

And that's really what irks me the most about him is how he uses God as a commodity with regard to dealing with family issues instead of a solution. He barters and sells "Godliness" when it fits his specific goal at the time. It's abhorrent.

I'll still pray for him. I'll still pray for his wife. And I'll still pray that God's will be accomplished in all of our lives. But I don't see us allowing our children to spend time alone with them ever again. And if that happens, it will truly be something I would consider, in the words of Dr. Blackaby, GODSIZED.

Thanks for the therapy. LOL.