Family Problems

[renewed90]

Keep your eyes on Jesus. After the wedding you should avoid toxic relatives; however, be sure to pray for them.

I learned that I should be nice, but stay away from narcissists. No one can change them besides themselves. And unkind people just don't want to change. My children basically had only immediate family. I couldn't change that. And because I felt like you do, I spent time with a therapist.

What makes her a narcissistic? I’ve heard the term used but am unsure the exact meaning.

 

[turkle]

Yes, I’m invited to the wedding. We were friends and overtime she just distanced herself more and more. I was going through a lot at that time and my anxiety was out of control. My grandpa raised me and when he died my world fell apart. I’m not proud of how I acted all the time but I thought there would be some grace there. My husband thinks there were a lot of little things that damaged the relationship that no one was willing to confront me about since I had just lost Poppy. I have horrible anxiety. I snap at people, take things the wrong way and am defensive. If I think you don’t like me or are mad at me, it gets worse. I tend to assume the worst when it’s bad. By the time the grief stopped overwhelming me, I had lost several relationships.

It sounds, from your account, like your behavior was unpleasant and she didn't want to be around you anymore. That's a normal response. Most people don't want to spend much time around snappy, defensive people. It sounds like she is doing what is best by being polite to you, but she doesn't have to like you.

However, this is your opportunity to shine. You can go to the wedding and show your support and love. Be genuine and think about the wedding couple, not yourself. It's their special day, and it's best that you don't become the person that is disruptive by acting needy and rejected. I understand that this has hurt you, and I'm sorry, but I think that from what you've said, she made the right choices to make her special day as wonderful as she can. It's understandable.

Since she is becoming a part of your family, I think the best thing to do is to control your behavior and be as nice as you possibly can. You might win her back if she can trust that you won't repeat unattractive behavior. In fact, it would be best for everyone, including you, if you exercised self control and stop the behavior around everybody. You will feel better about yourself, and people will appreciate and like you for it.

 

[turkle]

What makes her a narcissistic? I’ve heard the term used but am unsure the exact meaning.

A narcissist is someone who is completely self focused and isn't empathetic towards others. The soon to be sister in law as described in the OP is not necessarily toxic nor narcissistic. I get the impression that she simply doesn't care for the OP and wants to avoid contact. That's not narcissism in and of itself. That is just the normal way people choose and don't choose friends.

 

[discipler7]

I have horrible anxiety.

Baseless fears/worries/anxieties have their spiritual source in Satan because of Adam's Original Sin which all his descendants have inherited or are born with.(GENESIS.3:14-16, JOHN.8:44, MATTHEW.16:23 & 23:27, MARK.7:21, 1JOHN.3:8) Similarly for sinful/satanic/immoral/evil thoughts of anger, hate, jealousy, greed, selfishness, lust, pride, doubts, etc that sometimes arise in our hearts.
....... When acted upon, sinful/evil thoughts in the heart will bear fruit into evil-deeds/sins, eg murder, adultery/sexual immorality, stealing, cheating/lying, blasphemy, insults, assaults and other offenses.
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Sin-in-the-heart = cursed by God with hell when people die = spiritual death.(ROMANS.5:12)
Sin-in-deeds = cursed by God with terror, calamities, etc = a sad and short life on earth.(DEUT.28:15, PROVERBS.1:25, 1CORINTHIANS.5:5 & 11:30, 1JOHN.5:16))

God gave people the Law(= His Law or Moses Law) to "save" them from the latter(DEUT.28:1; ACTS.15:24-29 = exemptions for Gentile Christians).
....... God gave people the Cross of Jesus Christ to save them from the former(JOHN.3:14-18).
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Your horrible anxieties(= from Satan) caused you to be like a ticking time-bomb in your relationships. Those affected/hurt may choose to avoid you, eg your future SIL.
....... You need to get a handle on your horrible anxieties, eg do not act upon your baseless anxieties/fears(MATTHEW.4:1-11, EPH.6:16-17), recognize baseless anxieties as from Satan, meditate on your anxieties(= accept the anxious thoughts and let the anxieties just come and go through your mind) or ignore the anxieties like ignoring Internet trolls or fake news, or etc.
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P S - OTOH, there are real anxieties experienced by stutterers(MARK.7:32), autistics, PTSD sufferers and other disabled people, work-related stress/anxieties, family-related stress/anxieties(eg sickness), etc.
....... There are healthy anxieties/fears, eg fear of being burned by fire, fear of God cursing/punishing those who disobey His Law, fear of the police and government, etc.

 

[StillGods]

personally having been in several weddings i'd be glad not to be involved.... you say you have anxiety then not having a specific part is great!! given your history with her i can imagine she just thought it would be less stressful for her if she didnt have to worry about you taking things the wrong way snapping etc. youre fortunate she even included your daughter as flower girl - that is her including your family which is really kind given you guys falling out she didnt have to do that at all. and it really would spoil the effect if you dress your other girl the same if shes not officially in the wedding party so i understand completely the no an that one. just find a sweet simple pretty dress for your young one that doesnt compete with the wedding group but is wedding appropriate.
sounds like she has done some things to include your family more than she had to. be gracious and excited about things to do with the wedding - that will be supportive and you can just chill out and enjoy chatting with the other guests. i wouldnt feel bad or make a big deal out of it, just go with it and let all the stress of organising the wedding fall on the brides shoulders. who knows she may sense your more relaxed demeanor about it and warm to you a bit more and more.
if youre worried about sitting by yourself do you know anyone else who is going that you might be able to sit with? could you sit with your Mil and Fil?
it is only one day as others have said it will pass.

 

[Rescued One]

What makes her a narcissistic? I’ve heard the term used but am unsure the exact meaning.

I was thinking of my father, not your future SIL.

 

[Rescued One]

She found the dresses on Etsy and the boys are matching the groom so there wasn’t a lot to shop for as far as the kids were concerned. When I wanted to match our youngest daughter who isn’t in the wedding, I was told no.

Actually, that sounds reasonable: to not have the youngest mistaken as one of the wedding party. I wouldn't take the, "No," as an insult. It's a well known tradition to have the wedding party dressed in special attire.

 

[Rescued One]

I’m not invited to anything unless she HAS to.

But why does she HAVE to?

 

[mama2one]

you say you have anxiety then not having a specific part is great!! youre fortunate she even included your daughter as flower girl - that is her including your family

totally agree with this ^

plus you have your youngest to take care of

 

[mama2one]

you may feel left out at times but not being part of everything is often a blessing in disguise

as being a part of everything can be very taxing and you have children and a husband so you do have a full plate

take care of yourself, too
blessings

 

[renewed90]

But why does she HAVE to?

I’m family and I’m married to her fiance’s brother. It’s unfair they want him but not me.

 

[mama2one]

I’m family and I’m married to her fiance’s brother. It’s unfair they want him but not me.

I don't expect my husband's sisters to want to hang out with me as when we all get together, they want to see their brother, not me

please don't worry about it all so much
be happy they picked your daughter to be in wedding

 

[renewed90]

It sounds, from your account, like your behavior was unpleasant and she didn't want to be around you anymore. That's a normal response. Most people don't want to spend much time around snappy, defensive people. It sounds like she is doing what is best by being polite to you, but she doesn't have to like you.

However, this is your opportunity to shine. You can go to the wedding and show your support and love. Be genuine and think about the wedding couple, not yourself. It's their special day, and it's best that you don't become the person that is disruptive by acting needy and rejected. I understand that this has hurt you, and I'm sorry, but I think that from what you've said, she made the right choices to make her special day as wonderful as she can. It's understandable.

Since she is becoming a part of your family, I think the best thing to do is to control your behavior and be as nice as you possibly can. You might win her back if she can trust that you won't repeat unattractive behavior. In fact, it would be best for everyone, including you, if you exercised self control and stop the behavior around everybody. You will feel better about yourself, and people will appreciate and like you for it.

I appreciate what you said. It’s very hard to look at yourself. I just want to put it behind me and move forward but not sure how to do that without having to deal with the mess I’ve made.

 

[renewed90]

I don't expect my husband's sisters to want to hang out with me as when we all get together, they want to see their brother, not me

It’s just hard. I don’t have a family and I thought I was gaining a sister.

 

[mama2one]

It’s just hard. I don’t have a family and I thought I was gaining a sister.

sorry, give it time
some day you'll be closer but it takes time

 

[Rescued One]

It’s just hard. I don’t have a family and I thought I was gaining a sister.

"Friends become your chosen family" is a quote I like. Be the kindest person you can be and you'll find a really good friend.

Another quote I like is "Don't criticize, complain, or condemn," by Dale Carnegie.

And last but not least:

Proverbs 18
24A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.