family in distress

[minidom]

Hi, not sure where to put this, but it is a parenting dilemma.

Our daughter was molested by a family member when she was 11. We were finally told ehen she was 17. Now she's 23. Yesterday when we said we would not attend a family event because the abuser was there MiL said it should blown over by now.

He was 17 at the time, 23 when we found out and challenged him. We chose not to press charges,have never sought any recompense, nor shown any other grievance against him. We have not seen any remorse and never want but never want to see him again.

Woud you ever want to.socialise with someone who hurt your child so badly they took years to recover? Are we really over reacting?

Mini

 

[ProudMomxmany]

Hi, not sure where to put this, but it is a parenting dilemma.

Our daughter was molested by a family member when she was 11. We were finally told ehen she was 17. Now she's 23. Yesterday when we said we would not attend a family event because the abuser was there MiL said it should blown over by now.

He was 17 at the time, 23 when we found out and challenged him. We chose not to press charges,have never sought any recompense, nor shown any other grievance against him. We have not seen any remorse and never want but never want to see him again.

Woud you ever want to.socialise with someone who hurt your child so badly they took years to recover? Are we really over reacting?

Mini

No, you are not overreacting. You need to do what you need to do for your daughter. If the molester is a family member, i'd be VERY worried that he may have done it to other younger relatives. I hope your daughter has had therapy.

 

[Ministrymama]

Did your daughter every get to deal with the soul damage caused by the abuse with professional counseling?
Why would you ever want to socialize with someone who has changed your child's future and stolen something that no one can ever return?

I'm speaking from experience, this is a very personal issue for me. I was 5 he was 15 and it lasted over 8 years. I finally told my parents after a breakdown and near suicide attempt when I was 37 yrs old! Sexual abuse damages the soul beyond imagination, it steals innocence and trust and twists healthy sexuality in ways you cannot understand.

I wish my parents had known, I wish they had not only challenged my abuser but made it known to all our relatives what he'd done. I was not the only child he hurt in my family. He is now in his mid 50's with a long arrest record for child abuse. He continues to molest little girls and go to jail and get out and repeat it. Have I forgiven him, yes after excellent counsel and struggle with God and myself. Do I ever want to see him or have my children near him, NO WAY!

 

[ValleyGal]

I think you need to ask your daughter what she wants. If you were to go off socializing with a man who abused her, she may feel alienated from you - depending on her healing. Talk with her. See how she feels. See if she needs or wants to expose him for his actions, or if she would like to keep it quiet.

If anyone abused my child, someone would have to restrain me, and there is no way I'd ever be able to be in the same room as the abuser ever in my lifetime. I would work on forgiveness, but even forgiving does not stop the mama bear in me...

I notice that you say he was 23 when you challenged him. Maybe you could clarify what this means. Did he admit it? Did he ask forgiveness?

And lastly, imo, it is important to find out if anyone else has been hurt by this same person. If there are any instances of abuse, inappropriate touching - anything - please report asap. Our children's protection is far more important than preserving his family dignity. I'm curious why you did not have him charged when you found out...

 

[minidom]

Our daughter has had counselling, is doing well, studying a married to a supportive & very loving man

She would feel let down if we wanted to socialize with him. She will not even go near his parents as a result of their intervention.

After our daughter told us what happened we wrote and told him she had told us what happened, that it would be better if his Parents heard it from him, he was not to contact our daughter and we didn't want t see him again.

We next heard from his Parents via la very formal etter, saying he was upset and that they didn't want it to spoil our relationship. Actually had them over for Christmas between finding out and writing to him their son.

It was a while after that they accused our daughter of lying and there was no way it made her ill.

So.we broke contact with them.

We heard nothing from him for almost a year. Then a two line apology, request to meet so he could explain what really happened. feeling was too little too late.

 

[Johnnz]

Stay away. Your daughter needs your support for her in the face of his pretty noncommittal responses so far.

John
NZ

 

[akmom]

I agree. The molester and his family aren't worth socializing with. It isn't something trivial, so it doesn't just "blow over." It's a shame some people still see it that way (or at least treat it that way for convenience).

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

Hi, not sure where to put this, but it is a parenting dilemma.

Our daughter was molested by a family member when she was 11. We were finally told ehen she was 17. Now she's 23. Yesterday when we said we would not attend a family event because the abuser was there MiL said it should blown over by now.

He was 17 at the time, 23 when we found out and challenged him. We chose not to press charges,have never sought any recompense, nor shown any other grievance against him. We have not seen any remorse and never want but never want to see him again.

I sure he's not sorry, probably thinks he did nothing wrong. You should have turn it in. She may be able turn it now and should. If the statue of limitations haven't expired. I believe someone can turn it in, up to 6 years after they're 18 years old. It wouldn't surprise me, if he's still molesting kids, family don't know he's still doing it or they may still be sweeping it under the rug still.

Would you ever want to.socialise with someone who hurt your child so badly they took years to recover?

No

Are we really over reacting?

No. I do have a family member was molested by a baby sitter. Mom just fired him and few months or years later. Hired him to do yard work, when he asked. Daughter was devastated and scared. She's never understood why she didn't turn him in for molesting her . Nobody even understand why either. Nobody understands why the mom would allow him on their property again either. I just think the mom was an unfit parent that screwed her child by this, many other thing.

 

[minidom]

We chose to let our daughter take control of the situation since she was ALMOST 18 when we found out. For her it was a starting point of recovery.

She knows we regret not going to the police, but she still is a nice person and wanted to give him a second chance (out of her life). Not sure there is a statute of limitations on child abuse in UK.

He had a controlling mother, went to a strict Christian school so sex was very much taboo. Their eldest chose to board away from home (term time) for almost 5 years between 11-16. Youngest became pregnant with 6 weeks of going to university. They were raised no matter what they did they only needed Hiw remorse to God. To me this doesn't teach children about responsibilities or consequences. So he may never abuse another child.

He did attend state funded ordinary school from 16 and had access to tv radio and internet so should have understood the law and moral implications of his actions