False Memories?

[Mayflower1]

Some of my memories are so hazy, even after three years of residential programs to work through the sexual abuse, I get confused sometimes if it happened or not. Do you think it is possible to make up 3 years of abuse? My memories, most of them, range from 4-6 years old. and I suppressed them until 15. But I recently researched this site called the False Memory Foundation. Where you can adamantly believe that you went through something traumatic and it never happened. Of course my therapists and friends say, because of the vivid detail I have given, and all the signs and such... and I'm not a vindictive person or anything. It is just a fear, because it was my dad. I see him for the first time in 11 years for Christmas. I wrote him a letter finally confronting him on everything... things that just spilled from my heart. I haven't got a letter back or anything. But my aunt was there and said he was crying, sincerely saying he didn't do it. Could I have possibly made it up? I write so many stories, could I just have believed this one? It really has affected my life and the lives of those around me. I just want to move on. I don't want to keep going around the same mountain over and over. I have changed so much for the better through these programs. I'm finally going on with my life now and very successfully too. Im starting college in January. Life has begun again. But if my dad didn't do it, I am wondering if I need to look into this or something. I should love him enough to make sure it isn't just me.

 

[Mayflower1]

So I got to talk to someone from the False Memory Foundation this morning. I had just woke up, but woke up fast!!! It was very interesting and she was very nice. She gave me very good advice that I am going to listen to. I have spent so much time in the past, I am going to live in the present for awhile. She said to spend some time getting to know my family and connecting with them. Get to know who they are, and for the moment put those memories in a box and put them to the side for awhile. And I like that... the reality of it is, a lot of it is true. Some may be false, I don't know... Some of the things are so hazy and everything. But I have spent the last eleven years of my life working through these things, the last few years in programs to just forgive my dad. I think it is time to live in the present. I am a different person now. I am living a lot freer life, a happier life, because I am not chained down by these memories anymore. I think I want to know if some of it is false... or in the extreme all of it... but evidence in my life points the other direction... thanks. I just needed to get my thoughts out on all this. Sometimes my blog doesn't seem to be the place, and my diary no one reads. Like I want people to know what I am working through and stuff. At the same time, I don't think everyone understands this. But it helps anyway just to get my thoughts out. I am going to live in the present for awhile and see how that goes. I know I can never forget the abuse... in a lot of ways, it has made me a stronger person working through it, a more forgiving person and all. There are just some days still, even after all I have worked through that I wish it wasn't true and that none of it ever happened.