Failure

[Mayflower1]

I had a very tough weekend. Like always I failed again. I always fail. It doesn't matter how many times I try, I am always going to fail... I paniced. I didn't pray, I didn't try. I wrote 205 times I was a dumb, stupid, worthless, dirty nothing. I cut myself and I rubbed comet on my open wound... It was so stupid. I have been doing so good and then I go and do this. The rest of the weekend as you guess was really bad. I ended up telling my Mom and she said that she was beginning to think I was playing a game. She said that she thought maybe I wanted people to feel sorry for me...

My feelings are no joke. I am not fooling around when I silently scream. It is sin, it is waving my fist at God. I went against everything I believed Saturday when I did that. I know it isn't true, but I don't feel it as true... I try to cry but I can't let it out. All I can do is laugh and it is just so insane... I thought I was getting better. I thought that maybe it could all be over but it hasn't ended yet. I am desperately trying but how many times do I have to fail? It was just so stupid what I did.

Sometimes I think that Dissociation might be a game... my friend and I use to panamine a lot, evil and good... it was occult in its own sense and that is why I stopped. But then that session came and the same talked from me. The panamines were either real or this Dissociation is false. If it is false I am a lier. Most of the time already I am a failure. God can only bring me so far. In the end it is my free will, my decision, and I failed. I failed my Mom, I failed myself, I failed God.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I hope you feel better soon. Today is a new day. Your Mom may think that you are being manipulative, but that is only her opinion -- like you said, your feelings are real. God realizes this.

Here is a quote that I like; a friend sent it to me when I was going through a rough time and I felt a lot like you do now.

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." -- Teddy Roosevelt

 

[UnitynLove]

Do you like yourself?

Most people don't like themselves. I've had many years of experience, trying to help people be whole emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and socially. I felt like it was a major breakthrough when I discovered that most people really don't like themselves. Some of them know it, while others don't even have a clue that this is probably the root of so many other problems in their lives.

God wants us to have great relationships, but self-rejection and even self-hatred are at the root of many of our relationship problems. In fact, I have found the Bible to be a book about relationships, providing valuable advice about my relationship with God, with other people, and with myself.

How are the relationships in your life? What about your relationship with God... and with other people? How about your relationship with yourself?

Did it ever occur to you that you have a relationship with yourself? While I've never given it much thought, I do spend more time with myself than with anyone else, and it is vital that I get along well with me. Remember, you are the one person you never get away from.

We all know how agonizing it is to work day after day with someone we don't get along with, but at least we don't have to take that person home with us at night. We never have one minute away from ourselves, not even one second, so it is of the utmost importance that we have peace with ourselves.

Many of us fall prey to self-rejection because we don't feel that anyone really loves and accepts us. We figure that if nobody else loves us, then why should we love ourselves. Because we think others don't love us, we feel that we must not be worth loving. But that is a LIE we have believed for way too long!

We should love ourselves—not in a selfish, self-centered way that produces a lifestyle of self-indulgence, but in a balanced, godly way that simply affirms God's creation as essentially good and right. We may be flawed by the years and the unfortunate experiences we have gone through, but that doesn't mean we are worthless and good for nothing.

We must have the kind of love for ourselves that says, "I know that God loves me, so I can love what God chooses to love. I don't love everything I do, but I accept myself because God accepts me." We must develop the kind of mature love that says, "I know I need to change, and I want to change. In fact, I believe God is changing me daily—but in the meanwhile, I will not reject what God accepts. I will accept myself as I am right now, knowing that I will not always remain this way."

Many times, people who reject themselves do so because they cannot see themselves as good, or proper, or right. They fail to see themselves the way God sees them—as precious children whom he loves dearly.

As you begin to see yourself through God's eyes—as someone who is loved and cherished—your view of yourself will begin to change. You will begin to see yourself, not as rejected, but as loved and accepted...unique and beautiful in His sight.

 

[Frangible]

I had a very tough weekend. Like always I failed again. I always fail. It doesn't matter how many times I try, I am always going to fail... I paniced. I didn't pray, I didn't try.

Sounds like you had a pretty tough time. But keep in mind we all fail. Some times are better for us than others. You will fail in the future, but you must never forget that you will also succeed. It sounds to me like you are extremely sensitive to failure, not acknowledging your success, and getting stuck in repetitve negative thoughts.

I wrote 205 times I was a dumb, stupid, worthless, dirty nothing.

That's pretty ridiculous-- you're just reinforcing bad feelings and thoughts that aren't true, and helping yourself believe a lie. Dumb and stupid? You're using a computer and your grammar appears to be quite good. I bet your IQ is far above average. Dumb and stupid? I don't think so. Intelligent and having both successes and failures, and takes failures a little too hard, perhaps!

And worthless? You're not worthless. Have you seen how much kidneys go for lately? Nevermind the increasing market value of human slavery! I'm kidding of course, but your worth is and never can be negative, in either physical or spiritual terms, and no matter how emo you are right now other people are still assigning a worth to you. Not just your kidneys, but your parents certainly still love and support you. And you are calling out for help here-- it seems you still assign value to yourself. Worthless? Never.

Dirty? Well, take a shower. I can't help you there. And you're not "nothing" either, I have yet to see a "nothing" use a computer and post on a messageboard. You're a human being, the same as everyone else.

Instead of going for "max emo blog factor" when you write something next time, be positive, or at the very least, truthful. Repeating a self-hurting lie to yourself isn't going to do anything for you. It's not even going to make your kidneys increase in value.

I cut myself and I rubbed comet on my open wound... It was so stupid.

Cutting is a way of relieving pain and tension. You need to find other ways to do this.

I have been doing so good and then I go and do this. The rest of the weekend as you guess was really bad. I ended up telling my Mom and she said that she was beginning to think I was playing a game. She said that she thought maybe I wanted people to feel sorry for me...

Look, the buildup of tension and anxiety that led to the problems here was inevitable and happens to everyone. You cannot escape this, so instead you must find a way to relieve it other than cutting. Randomly beating an inanimate object might be helpful. Exercise, a sauna or massage, and meditation all help too.

My feelings are no joke. I am not fooling around when I silently scream. It is sin, it is waving my fist at God. I went against everything I believed Saturday when I did that.

Your feelings aren't a joke or a game. They're a problem. And you need to change them. It will take many small steps and a long time to do so, but you can.

I know it isn't true, but I don't feel it as true... I try to cry but I can't let it out.

Then you need to do some of that executive control of your brain, and even if you can't stop it, counter it with the truth. You know what you wrote repeatedly was a lie. Write the truth instead. You cannot change what you feel, but you can certainly change what you write!

Go write the truth now, as many times as you wrote the lie. Every time you catch yourself repeating the lie in the future, stop! And repeat the truth.

All I can do is laugh and it is just so insane...

Haha... HAHAHAHA.... HAHAHAHAHA... haha. What were we talking about?

I thought I was getting better. I thought that maybe it could all be over but it hasn't ended yet. I am desperately trying but how many times do I have to fail? It was just so stupid what I did.

You will fail for eternity, the same as the rest of mankind. And you will succeed for eternity, the same as the rest of mankind. You are getting better-- you are here acknowledging these things and wanting to improve! Many people never realize that. And you didn't think you were intelligent?

Sometimes I think that Dissociation might be a game... my friend and I use to panamine a lot, evil and good... it was occult in its own sense and that is why I stopped. But then that session came and the same talked from me. The panamines were either real or this Dissociation is false. If it is false I am a lier.

Game? Occult? No, disassociation is how the human brain reacts to extreme stress and trauma. It's real and quite biological.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disassociative_identity_disorder

Most of the time already I am a failure. God can only bring me so far. In the end it is my free will, my decision, and I failed. I failed my Mom, I failed myself, I failed God.

And your mom has failed you and God, and so has every other person on the planet including me. But I'm willing to bet that your mom has also come through for you, and you for her. And you may have failed God, but you have also done his will and repented for your wrongdoing. That's all any human can hope to do.

Now, it's true that you are taking things too hard relative to most people, and having some very difficult times. But things can and will get better. Even if you fail most the time, you can still succeed at least part of the time! Set a goal for yourself that involves helping or improving yourself. How about writing truthful and positive things (none of that emo BS!) about yourself 206 times? How about the next time you feel your emotions lying to you and making you feel something that isn't true, instead repeating the truth to yourself, or writing it down in conterance?

 

[UnitynLove]

"I wrote 205 times I was a dumb, stupid, worthless, dirty nothing."


The people of the nation of Israel wandered around in the desert for forty years making what was actually an eleven-day journey. Why? Was it their enemies, their circumstances, or the trials along the way? Or was something entirely different preventing them from arriving at their destination?
As I pondered this situation, God gave me a powerful revelation that has helped me personally and helped thousands of others. The Lord revealed to me that the Israelites spent forty years in the desert making an eleven-day trip because they had a "wilderness mentality."
We really shouldn't look at the Israelites with such astonishment because most of us do the same thing they did. We keep going around and around the same mountains instead of making progress. It takes us years to experience victory over something that could and should have been dealt with quickly and put behind us. God showed me that "wilderness mentalities" are wrong mindsets These wilderness mentalities are what kept the Israelites in the desert for so long.
We can have right mindsets or wrong mindsets. The right ones benefit us, and the wrong ones hurt us and hinder our progress. Colossians 3:2 teaches us to set our minds and keep them set. We need our minds set in the right direction. Wrong mindsets not only affect our circumstances, but they also affect our inner life.
There was a time when my circumstances were not bad, but I could not enjoy anything in my life because my mind was "in the desert." Dave and I had a nice home, three lovely children, good jobs, and enough money to live comfortably. However, I could not enjoy our blessings because I had several wilderness mentalities that had me trapped in the desert.
Some people see things negatively because they have experienced unhappy circumstances all their lives and can't imagine anything getting any better. Then there are those who see everything as bad and negative simply because that is the way they feel on the inside. Whatever its cause, a negative outlook leaves a person miserable and unable to make any progress toward the Promised Land.
God had called the Children of Israel out of bondage in Egypt to go to the land He had promised to give them as a perpetual inheritance—the land that flowed with milk and honey and every good thing they could imagine. It was a land where there would be no shortage of anything they needed—a land of prosperity in every realm of their existence. Most of the generation that the Lord called out of Egypt never entered into the Promised Land, instead, they died in the desert. To me, this is one of the saddest things that can happen to someone—to have so much available and yet never be able to enjoy it.
I was one of those people for many years of my life. I was on my way to the Promised Land (heaven), but I was not enjoying the trip. My mind was in the desert, and I was dying in the wilderness. My wilderness mentality, or wrong ways of thinking, was keeping me from dealing with those areas of life God was wanting to touch and redeem. I was stuck...going around and around the same mountain. But thank God for His mercy. He showed me the way out of the desert! He helped me identify and change those wrong mindsets. Today, my mind is renewed. I have a new way of thinking and I've been rescued from the desert.
What God did for me, He can certainly do for you. Ask Him today to show you your wilderness mentalities, and ask Him to help you make the necessary changes. He can deliver your mind from the desert and help you enjoy the journey to the Promised Land! Copyright ©1998-2004 Joyce Meyer Ministries. All rights reserved.

 

[Mayflower1]

WOW!!! You'll sure have a lot to say about this!!! I am feeling better today and I will really try to write the positive and fix the wilderness mentalities so that this won't happen often. In my mind I know it isn't true that I am worthless and stupid but it is like a head belief in God. It doesn't give you peace of mind or salvation. Like Christ is in my heart I need to put those truths inside my heart as well... Everytime I try to write something good though something holds me back. I guess it is because of my low self-esteem, satan laughing in the corner preying for me to fall... I have dreams I want to fulfill though. Stupid? I graduated in the top 5% in my class and was just asked to join the Honor Society at my college. Worthless? I am the child of the most High God who sent His only son to die for my sins. Dirty... that is the only thing I don't have anything to say about. I am washed by the precious blood of the Lamb but at the same time my imagination is just a circle of pain and fury. Nothing? My kidneys have to be worth at least a hundred thousand!!!

Yes, I am feeling much better this morning. The question I always have to constantly ask myself though is for how long? For a week? One week and then Mrs. Hyde comes out again... This Dissociation/MPD thing is really odd and there are some talking about demons but I really don't know what to think about it. I have always learned that I am sealed by the blood of Christ and satan can not hurt me. Still though, I am searching for the verses. The main part though is to continue with therapy and repeat the good qualities so that I won't fall so hard like on the weekend. Reading it back it seemed so sad and broken and I really don't like that side of me. Thanks for you'lls exhortations. Lily00