Eye Contact & Apologizing

[SplendidTree]

Does any abuse survivor here have an issue with eye contact? Or saying they are sorry constantly?

If so, I am wondering if anyone can share with me how they cope with it and perhaps break the habits. The Lord is definitely helping me in these aspects but I could always use some help from you brothers and sisters as well.

 

[Colleen1]

Yes. I have trouble with eye contact at times when people are being aggressive. I also have had to keep myself from constantly apologizing. Some thing I find works when I'm dealing with this issue and struggle with responding in certain situations is, I pause before I speak so that I can quickly think about the situation. Even if the pause is a bit longer I tell myself not to worry about what others may think and that it's good to think before I respond. As I've practiced this, it's become easier to respond properly and my responses become quicker. I also come up with a plan of response before I encounter these situations. e.g. If I'm struggling with certain comments or people, I decide on a plan of how to respond before hand. Like if someone is constantly asking inappropriate questions or making inappropriate comments I can simply say, "I'd rather not discuss this" or "Oh well".

 

[SplendidTree]

I apologize for literally anything, even walking past someone. For years my friend Cherilee pointed this out trying to help me with it. Such a hard behaviour to break. Me eye contact is slowly improving. I am glad I am not alone!

 

[mjmcmillan]

I've had trouble with it, too. I wonder if it has something to do with the abuser/victim dynamic in a bad relationship? The abuser takes the aggressive role, and the victim has a hard time with eye contact and apologizes profusely, even when he/she has done nothing wrong.

 

[Colleen1]

I apologize for literally anything, even walking past someone. For years my friend Cherilee pointed this out trying to help me with it. Such a hard behaviour to break. Me eye contact is slowly improving. I am glad I am not alone!

No, you're not alone and I don't mind listening. In fact I use to have a huge problem feeling responsible for everything. It was like having the world on my shoulders. I've also had to deal with people blaming me for things that they themselves have done and me feeling at fault. etc and have had to learn how to deal with this. This false sense of guilt and shame can be annoying.

 

[Johnnz]

Abuse is defiling and leaves a woman feeling 'trashed'. Thus, she does not feel worthy of respect, therefore does not expect it, and thus will act accordingly, either pre-emptively (I will withdraw before I am rejected), or from poor esteem (If they really knew me they would not want to know me) as examples.

John
NZ

 

[SplendidTree]

No, you're not alone and I don't mind listening. In fact I use to have a huge problem feeling responsible for everything. It was like having the world on my shoulders. I've also had to deal with people blaming me for things that they themselves have done and me feeling at fault. etc and have had to learn how to deal with this. This false sense of guilt and shame can be annoying.

I totally can relate to this. Sorry sister, I did not see this post before.

I am working on this. Like if someone is quiet around me or seems upset, I assume they are and then think I did something wrong. Then sometimes I end up pestering someone asking if they are upset or if I did something wrong. I am working on breaking this but it is hard. This is the first time I have really openly stated this to be honest.

But yeah, like if I blame myself for someone's feelings it will eat away at me. It isn't fair also for me to tell others or assume how they feel.




And John, I get what you are saying brother.

And also, I am getting better with eye contact. My speech class is also forcing me to. It is the first time I think I have really started looking people in the eyes for extended periods of time. Sometimes my eyes still wander while 1 on 1 with someone, but I am praying on it.

 

[Colleen1]

I totally can relate to this. Sorry sister, I did not see this post before.

I am working on this. Like if someone is quiet around me or seems upset, I assume they are and then think I did something wrong. Then sometimes I end up pestering someone asking if they are upset or if I did something wrong. I am working on breaking this but it is hard. This is the first time I have really openly stated this to be honest.

But yeah, like if I blame myself for someone's feelings it will eat away at me. It isn't fair also for me to tell others or assume how they feel.

And John, I get what you are saying brother.

And also, I am getting better with eye contact. My speech class is also forcing me to. It is the first time I think I have really started looking people in the eyes for extended periods of time. Sometimes my eyes still wander while 1 on 1 with someone, but I am praying on it.

I'm glad you've shared. I think it's helpful for all of us to chat about these things. There are little practical tricks we can learn and I think your speech class is a good start. I took communication and studied stuff like active listening, etc. and there are little tid bits we can pick up from courses like this. Good for you; it's great to find some practical help like this.

 

[Colleen1]

Abuse is defiling and leaves a woman feeling 'trashed'. Thus, she does not feel worthy of respect, therefore does not expect it, and thus will act accordingly, either pre-emptively (I will withdraw before I am rejected), or from poor esteem (If they really knew me they would not want to know me) as examples.

John
NZ

I think this is very true. I think there is also this fear coming from the dynamics of abuse. When we were abused we were afraid of upsetting the abuser because we knew if we did there would be repercussions and danger. We carry this fear into our other relationships. We can be afraid of upsetting people and confrontation. I will confront issues and deal with problems as the need arises but to this day it is something I'm uncomfortable with. Much better, but I'd be lying if I said that the uneasiness is completely gone. Gets easier as we practice this stuff though. Thank goodness for that.

 

[SplendidTree]

I think this is very true. I think there is also this fear coming from the dynamics of abuse. When we were abused we were afraid of upsetting the abuser because we knew if we did there would be repercussions and danger. We carry this fear into our other relationships. We can be afraid of upsetting people and confrontation. I will confront issues and deal with problems as the need arises but to this day it is something I'm uncomfortable with. Much better, but I'd be lying if I said that the uneasiness is completely gone. Gets easier as we practice this stuff though. Thank goodness for that.

Exactly. Afraid of confrontation. Even just simple confrontation, or heck even to ask a question. My heart races and sometimes my palms get sweaty.

I think the more you turn to the Lord and the longer you are away from it, the easier it can become.

 

[Colleen1]

Exactly. Afraid of confrontation. Even just simple confrontation, or heck even to ask a question. My heart races and sometimes my palms get sweaty.

I think the more you turn to the Lord and the longer you are away from it, the easier it can become.

Yes, I definitely agree.

 

[cweinstein]

I hear what everyone's saying. I had a lot of trouble with eye contact. My pastor says it took him 3 months to realize I had eyes. And my best friend, now my roommate, worked hard to get me to make eye contact with her.

And I'm working at not apologizing for everything. When I was being abused I would blamed for just about everything, so if something went wrong, with the computer for example, he would be ready to blame me.

 

[Colleen1]

Hi ya, i saw this and thought of you. Take care. You're a sweet heart. You're in my prayers.

​

 

[michaelwriting]

I have done three years of recovery work and I no longer feel like I have to apologize for simply existing anymore. It used to cause trouble at work, because i felt like i was nothing, and felt like i was horribly imposing on people, even if I was asking them to do their job or provide information to me.

The eye contact thing is still an annoying problem for me. I wish i could just shake it off. I have a friend in my recovery group who is dealing with an abusive marriage too, and he seems unable to look at me when he talks. I cannot look directly at my boss when i am talking with him. It is difficult, though I am getting a bit better.

God has helped me to learn how to communicate over the past three years. I've learned things like Crucial Conversations and active listening, as others mentioned. These were very helpful for me to gain the social skills i need to survive. I just need freedom, and God-willing, a wife who will not torment and abuse me or my kids anymore.

 

[Colleen1]

I have done three years of recovery work and I no longer feel like I have to apologize for simply existing anymore. It used to cause trouble at work, because i felt like i was nothing, and felt like i was horribly imposing on people, even if I was asking them to do their job or provide information to me.

The eye contact thing is still an annoying problem for me. I wish i could just shake it off. I have a friend in my recovery group who is dealing with an abusive marriage too, and he seems unable to look at me when he talks. I cannot look directly at my boss when i am talking with him. It is difficult, though I am getting a bit better.

God has helped me to learn how to communicate over the past three years. I've learned things like Crucial Conversations and active listening, as others mentioned. These were very helpful for me to gain the social skills i need to survive. I just need freedom, and God-willing, a wife who will not torment and abuse me or my kids anymore.

Thanks for your post. it is difficult to deal with these things and they can be difficult to talk about or admit. I'm glad you are able to find people to talk to. Take care.

 

[SplendidTree]

I actually think I am getting worse with apologizing BUT improving with eye contact. My speaking class is helping me with this too. I am also trying to look at my fiancee more and make eye contact more when we talk. It definitely helps being with someone who is soft spoken.

I am also trying to walk more confidently and not look at the ground as much. I think people may see this as weakness. Okay, so I am weak but still... lol

I am just so glad things are improving. It isn't nice that you all had to suffer but it is nice to have people to relate to.

 

[Lily76_]

yes we do this all the time we find it hard to look people in the eye and we always say sorry even when its not our fault.
we think everything is our fault when its not
Ella

 

[Colleen1]

yes we do this all the time we find it hard to look people in the eye and we always say sorry even when its not our fault.
we think everything is our fault when its not
Ella

yes, this is tough. shame can linger.

 

[Colleen1]

Yesterday something came up and i found myself unable to look this person in the eye. it wasn't because of fear, etc. but rater i knew i wasn't telling her the truth when she asked me how i was doing. and if i did tell her i would have started crying. did not want to do this. was thinking about it and knew i should post it here. some times there are things i'd rather not talk about, since i like being honest, the generic 'i'm fine' can seem rather insincere / dishonest at times.

 

[cweinstein]

Yesterday something came up and i found myself unable to look this person in the eye. it wasn't because of fear, etc. but rater i knew i wasn't telling her the truth when she asked me how i was doing. and if i did tell her i would have started crying. did not want to do this. was thinking about it and knew i should post it here. some times there are things i'd rather not talk about, since i like being honest, the generic 'i'm fine' can seem rather dishonest at times.

I think we all have done that at one time or another. We all have things we'd rather not talk about and people we'd rather not tell. Just know I am praying for you.