Our daughter is fifteen and this is going to be an important year at school. Basically she's lazy and only does homework if she knows missing it will mean extra work. My wife was talking with another mother who mentioned her daughter had a similar attitude until she was put on report for a month. This basically meant she had to get her homework signed by her parents but more importantly involved a substantial amount of regular extra homework. This will usually be an essay relevant to the course, several pages long and longer at weekends. The teachers have discretion to insist the work is re-done if its not of sufficient standard. Its educational but the real aim is to make it a very, very hard few weeks. No time for tv, parties or spending hours talking to her boyfriend! My wife has warned our daughter that she is on her last chance. Hency one lazy and resentful teen! Both my wife and a retired lady teacher we know are convinced that a month on report will give my daughter the wake up call she needs. Do you think my wife is being too hard?
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Extra homework
- Thread starter tim58
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LadyDJ
Well-Known Member
I went through something similar with my oldest (now 10) last year. She just plain didn't want to be bothered to do the work and by the second quarter she was barely holding on to a D average. What finally got through to her was when I started exchanging e-mails with her teacher every day. Her teacher would let me know exactly what my daughter had for homework and any other details that could be conveniently forgotten. And failure to complete assignments in class (where it was supposed to be done to begin with) earned her penalty work over and above the original assignment. By the end of the school year my daughter (although resentful of the e-mail tactic) had started working closer to her potential and was getting A's and B's.
So far (being it's only the first week of school here and the fact that the kids are in a new magnet school) she's showing us a much different attitude than the one we saw last year. So we have our fingers crossed and are praying that we don't have a repeat of last year and that she learned something about the consequences of her actions. So I personally don't think anyone's being too tough in your situation...especially if it gets the point home that your daughter's lack of action and responsibility for doing her school work is what brought the extra work down on her.
So far (being it's only the first week of school here and the fact that the kids are in a new magnet school) she's showing us a much different attitude than the one we saw last year. So we have our fingers crossed and are praying that we don't have a repeat of last year and that she learned something about the consequences of her actions. So I personally don't think anyone's being too tough in your situation...especially if it gets the point home that your daughter's lack of action and responsibility for doing her school work is what brought the extra work down on her.
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I'm not sure how you wife could be hard in this case. Your wife is not the one to decide if your daughter will be on report or not; her teachers are.
I have one kid who has graduated from college, one who is a sophome and one still in high school. I used to teach high school and have worked in college admissions for a couple of decades. I think your wife needs to take two giant steps backward and leave the matter between your daughter and her teachers.
It is important that your daughter learn to self discipline herself to do her work. If she only does work becasue Mom is threatening or making her, she has not chosen to make the time for the work and to make it a prioroty. She is also not developing the skills she will need to be sucessful in college. If the teachers choose to put her on report, so be it.
Parents can encourage kids to do homework, provide an enviroment that makes it conducive to study and assist, as the students asks. Right now, if your daughter does her work, it means your wife has "won" and your daughter does not want that to happen, so, while unintended, Mom has actually become yet another hurdle to your daughter getting her work done.
I'm sure you do not slap that lable of "lazy" on your daughter within her hearing but she probably knows that's what you think of her anyway. I was branded by that one by teachers and parents. It did not motivate me to prove them wrong. I would often think "Well, they already think I'm lazy so it won't make any difference if I do this task of not."
Also, bright students are often the least motivated to do homework if it is not very demanding or interesting to them. I obviously don't know the nature of the homework assignments she is being given.
You and your wife need to get into your daughter's cheering section and eventaully into the role of coach, if she'll let you. Presently you are acting like judges and race officials. (I have been watching a bit of the Olympics...)
I have one kid who has graduated from college, one who is a sophome and one still in high school. I used to teach high school and have worked in college admissions for a couple of decades. I think your wife needs to take two giant steps backward and leave the matter between your daughter and her teachers.
It is important that your daughter learn to self discipline herself to do her work. If she only does work becasue Mom is threatening or making her, she has not chosen to make the time for the work and to make it a prioroty. She is also not developing the skills she will need to be sucessful in college. If the teachers choose to put her on report, so be it.
Parents can encourage kids to do homework, provide an enviroment that makes it conducive to study and assist, as the students asks. Right now, if your daughter does her work, it means your wife has "won" and your daughter does not want that to happen, so, while unintended, Mom has actually become yet another hurdle to your daughter getting her work done.
I'm sure you do not slap that lable of "lazy" on your daughter within her hearing but she probably knows that's what you think of her anyway. I was branded by that one by teachers and parents. It did not motivate me to prove them wrong. I would often think "Well, they already think I'm lazy so it won't make any difference if I do this task of not."
Also, bright students are often the least motivated to do homework if it is not very demanding or interesting to them. I obviously don't know the nature of the homework assignments she is being given.
You and your wife need to get into your daughter's cheering section and eventaully into the role of coach, if she'll let you. Presently you are acting like judges and race officials. (I have been watching a bit of the Olympics...)
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Thanks LadyDJ and bliz, Maybe we should wait and see how the school deals with our daughter if she misses her homework. The teachers normally give lines (its quite an old fashioned school!) or extra homework in the form of essays. I must admit the one time she was given a few hundred lines she made sure she worked harder for a while! Incidentally my wife has decided that next time our darling daughter gets lines she will ask the teacher to assign an essay instead. She thinks it will take longer to complete! LadyDJ, I like your idea about making the point that the penalty work is due to our daughters own lack of action.
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alaskamolly
Queen of the Tundra
It's not being too hard on her at ALL.
Let the natural consequences of her actions just naturally take place, and don't shield her from them ONE BIT.
Don't act happy, either though. Just nonchalant.
We work with youth all the time (it's my husband's job--youth minister) and this is the best best best best way to deal with stuff like this.
The worst thing parents do is shield their children from natural consequences. It's 100% effective at turning them into irresponsible adults, and that's about all it accomplishes, besides giving the parent a momentary good emotional feeling.
Not a good plan for growing a healthy godly young person!
My 2 Cents.
In Him,
Molly
Let the natural consequences of her actions just naturally take place, and don't shield her from them ONE BIT.
Don't act happy, either though. Just nonchalant.
We work with youth all the time (it's my husband's job--youth minister) and this is the best best best best way to deal with stuff like this.
The worst thing parents do is shield their children from natural consequences. It's 100% effective at turning them into irresponsible adults, and that's about all it accomplishes, besides giving the parent a momentary good emotional feeling.
Not a good plan for growing a healthy godly young person!
My 2 Cents.
In Him,
Molly
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Hi Blue Impulse, Yes we can request our daughter to be put on report. This will mean every bit of homework needs to be signed by us which prevents work being done say on the bus to school. Her form teacher will assess how much homework she has each day and then liase with teachers of two or three key subjects to assign extra homework. At the weekend she will be given several pieces of homework which basically means that she has virtually no free time. The weekend just becomes an extension of her working week.
Our daughter is going to be a very busy girl if she is placed on report but I must stress she knows the consequences. She was given a taster of it last year when she was given extra homework two nights running so knows how unpleasant it is. Basically she came in from school, did four hours work and went to bed! Too tired for tv or calling her boyfriend!
My wife is in favour of it because the extra homework is educational and very hard work. We have a good friend who is a retired teacher. Her view is that a month on report means than anytime in the future our daughter is tempted to slacken she will remember the consequences and buck up.
What our daughter will find hardest is that if she misbehaves on report the teachers have the authority to extend it. Similarly if she completes homework to a less than satisfactory standard the teacher has the discretion to demand the piece of work is repeated.
The one thing that struck me about this is that all the mothers my wife has spoken too think it is an excellent idea! They love the idea of the consequences being readily apparent to our daughter.
Our daughter is going to be a very busy girl if she is placed on report but I must stress she knows the consequences. She was given a taster of it last year when she was given extra homework two nights running so knows how unpleasant it is. Basically she came in from school, did four hours work and went to bed! Too tired for tv or calling her boyfriend!
My wife is in favour of it because the extra homework is educational and very hard work. We have a good friend who is a retired teacher. Her view is that a month on report means than anytime in the future our daughter is tempted to slacken she will remember the consequences and buck up.
What our daughter will find hardest is that if she misbehaves on report the teachers have the authority to extend it. Similarly if she completes homework to a less than satisfactory standard the teacher has the discretion to demand the piece of work is repeated.
The one thing that struck me about this is that all the mothers my wife has spoken too think it is an excellent idea! They love the idea of the consequences being readily apparent to our daughter.
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Here all the kids have a home school book and teachers ad parent have to sign it each week to say the work has been done.
I know some parents who have always given their kids extra work to do at home but I always tell mine that as long as they do the work they are told to do by their school than I won't give them extra work.... so they know that if they fall behind the grades expected for them as an individual then they will get more work... prevention rather than a cure. So far I have not needed to dish out extra work.
I myself believe that socialising and having fun is just as important and maybe even more important than always getting good grades...and always tell my kids so... we are educated just to enhance our life a little... not live for education. ...but maybe I just think that way cos my kids are doing so well in school.
Also the biggest problem people come up against these days is stress... over pushing and over commotting themselves... and stress can be real destructive and even a killer.... so I like to opt out of that way of living and encourage my kids to be relaxed in their approach to life and studies.
I know some parents who have always given their kids extra work to do at home but I always tell mine that as long as they do the work they are told to do by their school than I won't give them extra work.... so they know that if they fall behind the grades expected for them as an individual then they will get more work... prevention rather than a cure. So far I have not needed to dish out extra work.
I myself believe that socialising and having fun is just as important and maybe even more important than always getting good grades...and always tell my kids so... we are educated just to enhance our life a little... not live for education. ...but maybe I just think that way cos my kids are doing so well in school.
Also the biggest problem people come up against these days is stress... over pushing and over commotting themselves... and stress can be real destructive and even a killer.... so I like to opt out of that way of living and encourage my kids to be relaxed in their approach to life and studies.
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LadyDJ
Well-Known Member
tim58 said:
Every time my oldest got mad at us for the e-mails between me and her teacher...she was asked "who should you be mad at for making the decision to not do the work in class?" Every time she had to admit the fault was her own. The last month of the school year last spring was easily the best she had all year. And I was just as quick to share the rave reviews her teacher would e-mail to me about how she was doing as well as pile the praise on her for doing so well.
So far this year, she's gotten all of her work done in class and her teacher has assured me that she's doing very well work-wise and attitude (
ing that it lasts) and that the only time any of the class would be sent home with homework is either for a special project or failing to finish it in class.
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I like the email accountability idea! It keeps the responsibility on the kid's shoulders and just lets the parents know what should be done for homework. Kudos to you and the teacher.
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Hi Blue Impulse. Four hours homework on a regular basis must have been hard work! Our daughter visibly gulped when we mentioned it. Anyway we are going to keep a close eye on her homework etc and see how it goes.
There is a parents evening in October and my wife is going to request that if she doesn't complete a homework assignment our darling daughter is given an essay that we have to sign. Darling daughter is not pleased about this one bit! She had a 1,000 essay as punishment last term and basically hated doing it because the topic was so hard and it took so long. The essays are normally on something like 'Respect' or 'Homework must be completed on time because....'. The pupil has to stay exactly on topic and the essay has to be of a satisfactory standard. This makes them incredibly time consuming to complete. The main thing is it acts as a deterrent if a pupil fancies skipping a homework assignment. The next stage is putting a pupil on report but hopefully it wont come to that.
There is a parents evening in October and my wife is going to request that if she doesn't complete a homework assignment our darling daughter is given an essay that we have to sign. Darling daughter is not pleased about this one bit! She had a 1,000 essay as punishment last term and basically hated doing it because the topic was so hard and it took so long. The essays are normally on something like 'Respect' or 'Homework must be completed on time because....'. The pupil has to stay exactly on topic and the essay has to be of a satisfactory standard. This makes them incredibly time consuming to complete. The main thing is it acts as a deterrent if a pupil fancies skipping a homework assignment. The next stage is putting a pupil on report but hopefully it wont come to that.
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