I feel extremely depressed and anxious today and don't even really know why. I have a demanding (though only 2 hour!) job and my boss is even willing to accommodate me since I spoke up about the unreasonableness of her expectations. But why do I continually feel this anxious and depressed? I've heard you should help others when you feel depressed, and sometimes that helps. I also like helping people feel good. I have social anxiety and sometimes can be a people pleaser. But then at times like this when my anxiety, depression, and social phobias are really strong, I don't feel like helping people at all. And I feel bad about that.
I worry that I'm a sociopath, but I don't think I am because I do care very much what people think. I think sociopaths don't care about others and it doesn't bother them. I don't care about other people enough in the way I should, but I care about them. It's just that I feel really resentful when people expect things from me that I don't feel I can give them. I have low self esteem and am easily hurt when I try to do something for someone and it is not "good enough." I've been meditating on this idea all morning and trying to come up with what is really going on.
I do believe in God, but I don't exercise faith in him regularly. Lately, it's become a chore to pray. I don't even feel worthy of prayer, and not even worthy of confession because I don't know how to apologize if I can't change and repent. I've done that for too long. I don't feel I can be forgiven. I ask for forgiveness and mercy too much only to do the same things again or not even be 100 percent sorry for what I did. I mean, I can acknowledge that what I've done is wrong, but it's like my heart is not always in changing. And I feel bad about that.
I feel so resentful almost every time anyone asks me for a favor. My mom and dad were both like this and I didn't like it, but now I am like that too. I don't expect other people to help me and I don't ask for help. I mean, I do ask for help about certain things, but only when it is expected or I know the person wants to help. But I don't ask for things that I would never expect myself. Does that make sense?
My mom used to say I was selfish for needing to use the bathroom when it was her time to take a shower. She thought I was doing it on purpose. She was very paranoid. All this time, any time I had a legitimate need as a child, I felt very ashamed of it because I was constantly made to feel like a burden. My mom used to blame me for her depression--saying she had to take care of me and had no time to herself. And she used to threaten suicide all the time because of me. She used to tell me she was going to send me to live with my alcoholic father. He didn't want me either. One day when I was only 8, I asked him to take me to the park. He told me I was "nagging" him and if I asked again, he wouldn't visit me anymore.
Keep in mind that I was extremely well-behaved to the point of being mute in school and I even walked rigidly and had an eye tick because I was so nervous about getting in trouble. Even when anyone corrected me at school, I'd cry, and every day I'd wet my pants. I was afraid to speak and made no friends. The first sign that I did something wrong (even if I didn't and I was just framed), I'd run away from home for the day. I never got into drugs, smoking, drinking, etc. but I started to overeat and still do it to this day. I've become obese.
Today, I like to help on my own terms. I do feel empathetic for a lot of people, but once people start demanding that I do things to show my empathy, it's like my empathy starts shutting down and I don't feel it anymore. I start feeling resentful. And then even the resentment gets pushed down and I feel apathetic. Like I don't even care. When they ask for help at church, first I feel like I'd love to help out, then I think about it for a minute and remember my pastor yelling at me for doing something that was below his standards, then remember the pastor's wife asking for a mile after I gave a few inches. Suddenly I feel resentful. But it's not "Christian" to feel resentful, I'm told, and I should do things with a giving spirit and joyful heart. But I don't have a joyful heart. I have a resentful heart. So I either do things grudgefully, or lately I've just been turning down requests to help people (learning it's ok to say no), but people are very unhappy with me for this and I really am avoiding almost all responsibilities in life at the moment.
What is wrong with me and how can I change? I never answer my phone even though I hear it ring. Only people who want something call me. I don't have people call me just to say hi or encourage me or anything. Actually, I do have only a couple people who do call because they care, but it's few and far between, so I just avoid even pulling it out. My dad only called me once in my life and ended up yelling at me over the phone because I couldn't help him fix his Ipod (I don't know how and I'm not mechanically inclined). The phone is always trouble or so it seems.
Tonight my pastor wants my husband and I to meet him at the church. I don't want to go. We haven't been going to church, mostly because I just don't enjoy it anymore and my husband doesn't want to go if I'm not going. I don't enjoy it because I have no one to really relate to. The people there are always asking "why" we didn't do such-and-such or try to make us feel guilty for not doing more. We are actually involved in a ministry and I really felt passionate about it at first. I felt moved by members of the community in need and wanted to reach out to them. So it started out great, but then the church leaders took over and kind of made it into what they wanted it to be, so I lost interest. I tend to lose interest when someone takes over my idea or my projects. I know they shouldn't be "my" projects, they should be everyone's, but if I don't have a sense of ownership and I'm just going to be thrown out of the way, why bother?
When I was younger, my older sister used to get to do everything and I could do nothing. She'd beat me up if I even put on Christmas ornaments wrong and my mom wouldn't let me do laundry because she said I would do it wrong, but she never even taught me when I'd ask her to. She didn't teach me anything. She always wanted to do it herself so she could do it right. And I always felt guilty because I thought there was something inherently wrong with me. I should just "know" how to do everything without being taught how to because my mom would be mad at me, even though I was willng to learn.
Anyway, my pastor is mad at me and my husband because we missed the past 2 Sundays. We actually gave advance notice for the one in which we had the ministry, but our pastor is still upset because he expects us to be helping more and now we have to come tonight. I know it's unreasonable for me to be so upset, but I want to tell him I quit this church. It's not unreasonable for him to accept his congregation to serve, but I have such deep issues in this area. It's made keeping a job very hard for me. I move from job to job often because I get tired of demands, especially unreasonable ones from judgmental people. There are a few jobs I really excelled at because the people were reasonable and the job was manageable, but those jobs are over now.
I am in counseling and working on developing personal power. But the underlying resentment remains. I don't know what to do.
I worry that I'm a sociopath, but I don't think I am because I do care very much what people think. I think sociopaths don't care about others and it doesn't bother them. I don't care about other people enough in the way I should, but I care about them. It's just that I feel really resentful when people expect things from me that I don't feel I can give them. I have low self esteem and am easily hurt when I try to do something for someone and it is not "good enough." I've been meditating on this idea all morning and trying to come up with what is really going on.
I do believe in God, but I don't exercise faith in him regularly. Lately, it's become a chore to pray. I don't even feel worthy of prayer, and not even worthy of confession because I don't know how to apologize if I can't change and repent. I've done that for too long. I don't feel I can be forgiven. I ask for forgiveness and mercy too much only to do the same things again or not even be 100 percent sorry for what I did. I mean, I can acknowledge that what I've done is wrong, but it's like my heart is not always in changing. And I feel bad about that.
I feel so resentful almost every time anyone asks me for a favor. My mom and dad were both like this and I didn't like it, but now I am like that too. I don't expect other people to help me and I don't ask for help. I mean, I do ask for help about certain things, but only when it is expected or I know the person wants to help. But I don't ask for things that I would never expect myself. Does that make sense?
My mom used to say I was selfish for needing to use the bathroom when it was her time to take a shower. She thought I was doing it on purpose. She was very paranoid. All this time, any time I had a legitimate need as a child, I felt very ashamed of it because I was constantly made to feel like a burden. My mom used to blame me for her depression--saying she had to take care of me and had no time to herself. And she used to threaten suicide all the time because of me. She used to tell me she was going to send me to live with my alcoholic father. He didn't want me either. One day when I was only 8, I asked him to take me to the park. He told me I was "nagging" him and if I asked again, he wouldn't visit me anymore.
Keep in mind that I was extremely well-behaved to the point of being mute in school and I even walked rigidly and had an eye tick because I was so nervous about getting in trouble. Even when anyone corrected me at school, I'd cry, and every day I'd wet my pants. I was afraid to speak and made no friends. The first sign that I did something wrong (even if I didn't and I was just framed), I'd run away from home for the day. I never got into drugs, smoking, drinking, etc. but I started to overeat and still do it to this day. I've become obese.
Today, I like to help on my own terms. I do feel empathetic for a lot of people, but once people start demanding that I do things to show my empathy, it's like my empathy starts shutting down and I don't feel it anymore. I start feeling resentful. And then even the resentment gets pushed down and I feel apathetic. Like I don't even care. When they ask for help at church, first I feel like I'd love to help out, then I think about it for a minute and remember my pastor yelling at me for doing something that was below his standards, then remember the pastor's wife asking for a mile after I gave a few inches. Suddenly I feel resentful. But it's not "Christian" to feel resentful, I'm told, and I should do things with a giving spirit and joyful heart. But I don't have a joyful heart. I have a resentful heart. So I either do things grudgefully, or lately I've just been turning down requests to help people (learning it's ok to say no), but people are very unhappy with me for this and I really am avoiding almost all responsibilities in life at the moment.
What is wrong with me and how can I change? I never answer my phone even though I hear it ring. Only people who want something call me. I don't have people call me just to say hi or encourage me or anything. Actually, I do have only a couple people who do call because they care, but it's few and far between, so I just avoid even pulling it out. My dad only called me once in my life and ended up yelling at me over the phone because I couldn't help him fix his Ipod (I don't know how and I'm not mechanically inclined). The phone is always trouble or so it seems.
Tonight my pastor wants my husband and I to meet him at the church. I don't want to go. We haven't been going to church, mostly because I just don't enjoy it anymore and my husband doesn't want to go if I'm not going. I don't enjoy it because I have no one to really relate to. The people there are always asking "why" we didn't do such-and-such or try to make us feel guilty for not doing more. We are actually involved in a ministry and I really felt passionate about it at first. I felt moved by members of the community in need and wanted to reach out to them. So it started out great, but then the church leaders took over and kind of made it into what they wanted it to be, so I lost interest. I tend to lose interest when someone takes over my idea or my projects. I know they shouldn't be "my" projects, they should be everyone's, but if I don't have a sense of ownership and I'm just going to be thrown out of the way, why bother?
When I was younger, my older sister used to get to do everything and I could do nothing. She'd beat me up if I even put on Christmas ornaments wrong and my mom wouldn't let me do laundry because she said I would do it wrong, but she never even taught me when I'd ask her to. She didn't teach me anything. She always wanted to do it herself so she could do it right. And I always felt guilty because I thought there was something inherently wrong with me. I should just "know" how to do everything without being taught how to because my mom would be mad at me, even though I was willng to learn.
Anyway, my pastor is mad at me and my husband because we missed the past 2 Sundays. We actually gave advance notice for the one in which we had the ministry, but our pastor is still upset because he expects us to be helping more and now we have to come tonight. I know it's unreasonable for me to be so upset, but I want to tell him I quit this church. It's not unreasonable for him to accept his congregation to serve, but I have such deep issues in this area. It's made keeping a job very hard for me. I move from job to job often because I get tired of demands, especially unreasonable ones from judgmental people. There are a few jobs I really excelled at because the people were reasonable and the job was manageable, but those jobs are over now.
I am in counseling and working on developing personal power. But the underlying resentment remains. I don't know what to do.
