Explanation or excuse - dealing with obnoxious behaviour.

[hopeforhappiness]

We have a family member who is EXTREMELY and embarrassingly controlling. It's pathological. She'd even buy you her choice of furniture, paint or white goods and be offended if you didn't use it. She even designed our kitchen and ordered it online - we just had to press the 'accept' button. She thinks she is a believer.
Another husband (not a Christian) told her off and now she keeps her advice to herself regarding his household.
BUT... we found out why she is the way she is.
She was abused by an uncle. Now she has to control and plan every situation in case something bad happens.
So, my wife says this is an explanation and also an excuse for the behaviour and will indulge it, even going so far as to accept the unwanted items or advice.
I say that explanation is not excuse and we don't have to indulge her.
I raised this with a friend (a believer) who in a children's home was abused as well. Her reply was very surprising. "No it's not acceptable (her behaviour), she needs to learn some social lessons and moreover she needs to FORGET about the abuse"
What do you think?

 

[Tolworth John]

say that explanation is not excuse and we don't have to indulge her.
I raised this with a friend (a believer) who in a children's home was abused as well. Her reply was very surprising. "No it's not acceptable (her behaviour), she needs to learn some social lessons and moreover she needs to FORGET about the abuse"

Partial right. This poor women needs counselling to obtain healing from her past.
Yes she needs to learn she doesn't have to control every situation.

How you tell her to do this I don't know, possible by sitting down with her and asking her why she is so controlling, persisting or asking is it anything to do with unresolved issues in her past and that there are supply her with names and contact details of those who could help her.

Do pray for her.

 

[disciple Clint]

We have a family member who is EXTREMELY and embarrassingly controlling. It's pathological. She'd even buy you her choice of furniture, paint or white goods and be offended if you didn't use it. She even designed our kitchen and ordered it online - we just had to press the 'accept' button. She thinks she is a believer.
Another husband (not a Christian) told her off and now she keeps her advice to herself regarding his household.
BUT... we found out why she is the way she is.
She was abused by an uncle. Now she has to control and plan every situation in case something bad happens.
So, my wife says this is an explanation and also an excuse for the behaviour and will indulge it, even going so far as to accept the unwanted items or advice.
I say that explanation is not excuse and we don't have to indulge her.
I raised this with a friend (a believer) who in a children's home was abused as well. Her reply was very surprising. "No it's not acceptable (her behaviour), she needs to learn some social lessons and moreover she needs to FORGET about the abuse"
What do you think?

I would suggest that you honestly tell her that you appreciate that she is interested in yelping you but the final decision on anything has to come from you and your wife after you have both had time to consider the options.

 

[hopeforhappiness]

Yes, the advice is good. But really I am wanting to explore this "explanation v excuse" approach to bad behaviour. I know of a really obnoxious pre-teen who is excused by the foster mum, because of her terrible first few years of life, whereas the foster dad is not indulgent at all and sees those early years as just an explanation.
Excuse or explanation affects pastoral ministry.