Explaination Please?

[TheDatelessLoserX2]

Ok this one is aimed towards the ladies mainly, but anyone that can answer will work. I went to an ice cream place with 3 girls Wednesday, (the closest thing I've had to a date in several years ) we are all single. They eventually got on the subject of dating, and before long it was the "Why can't I ever find a decent Christian guy?" line. The whole time I am sitting there I am thinking, "Whats wrong with me?" or "Am I some sort of freak?" Why do some folks persist in doing such a thing? Are they blind, or am I reading too much into this, or is it a hint? WHAT GIVES? AAAARGH!

 

[Amadeus]

That seems like usual female behaviour. Most don't give a fudge about our feelings.

 

[caitlincares]

That seems like usual female behaviour. Most don't give a fudge about our feelings.

You got me on a bad day:

Gals care a lot more about guys feelings than guys care about gals feelings.

 

[caitlincares]

Gals TRULY can accept guys as JUST friends.
I understand most guys can not do that because they always want something more.
Maybe the gals value the friendship so much they would not want to pursue anything more. Maybe they would.


You were hanging out with friends. You were not on a date.
If you were dating one of these women you may not have been hanging out like you were
OR maybe the dating subject would not have come up.
But you were simply hanging out as single friends.

I have heard people on this forum say the same thing.
They say "Why are there no Christian ladies?".
There are definately some of us left.
You need to take everything in perspective.

 

[Tuffguy]

You got me on a bad day:

Gals care a lot more about guys feelings than guys care about gals feelings.

Guys and girls communicate differently. Often that is interpreted as indifference.

People are people. Both parties are equally guilty of being selfish. Selfish is not gender exclusive.

 

[nuarc]

You know maybe at that point they just counted you as "one of the girls"- it sounds weird, but sometimes it happens. They'll probably talk about you when you arent around.

 

[BallRmDChamp]

…and before long it was the "Why can't I ever find a decent Christian guy?" line. The whole time I am sitting there I am thinking, "Whats wrong with me?" or "Am I some sort of freak?" Why do some folks persist in doing such a thing? Are they blind, or am I reading too much into this, or is it a hint? WHAT GIVES? AAAARGH!

Could be a lot of things. It may be like the ladies here said, or a slightly different take is that those girls assumed that you and they were all on the same page. They all believed that you only liked them in a friendly way, and that you knew all of them only liked you that way, so it didn’t seem like a big deal. Or maybe only some of them knew that. Really, it’s quite complicated, and one or more of them might even have been trying to send you a hint, though I don’t know that. But you see what I’m saying. It could be any combination of things like that, or more in the vein of what Amadeus said. I don’t really think it’s that they don’t “give a fudge” about our feelings, but many women (and guys), especially in your age group (very young) don’t know what they want, and a lot of times they want conflicting or unrealistic things. Hence the “decent Christian guy” who is also a “reckless and exciting biker type who does freelance work for the CIA, who assassinates cruel foreign dictators trying to develop nuclear weapons.

Either that, or they’re a “decent Christian guy” who is also a “brilliant, rich and handsome doctor or big-shot businessman with a great sense of humor.” Not that there aren’t a few guys out there like that, but we all know there aren’t many. There’s certainly not anything like enough supply to meet that kind of demand, and I think it can take a while for a lot of women to pull their head of the clouds and get real. Of course, as I said, men often have the same problem. I think I do to an extent. People are complex, and they’re sinful. Bad combination.

 

[TheDatelessLoserX2]

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Hence the “decent Christian guy” who is also a “reckless and exciting biker type who does freelance work for the CIA, who assassinates cruel foreign dictators trying to develop nuclear weapons.

Either that, or they’re a “decent Christian guy” who is also a “brilliant, rich and handsome doctor or big-shot businessman with a great sense of humor.”

LOL that so made my day. Its so true. Not to bash females or anything, but they give conflicting info so often. Take this one girl for instance, she jumps on guys who are masculine "strong" types, and yet she wants one! Go figure!

But on the subject of not thinking of a friend in that manner, don't people who are friends first generally make better couples? You would think that having that kind of foundation would make someone MORE attractive, not easier to pass over? I don't claim to be perfect, but I don't see anything wrong with me........ (that may be the problem). I'm not a jerk, or come off as overpowering, or anything that would normally get girls to write you off ( 4' 2" and 700 lbs or something like that, or unapproachable) but its almost like I was invisible. Heck dating random guys off the internet sounded more appealing to them! AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!

 

[gvsuman]

You got me on a bad day:

Gals care a lot more about guys feelings than guys care about gals feelings.

I'm sorry caitlin, but I couldn't agree with you less. Girls can decide who they want to date by saying yes or no to a guy that asks her out. Us guys on the other hand, we risk the humiliation in order to get a date. Maybe its just me, but im sickened by the way girls treat guys...like their feelings dont matter.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Caitlin, have you noticed the guys who are offended by your comment are about half your age? Unfortunately, the girls they know are probably all in the same age group and grew up on the 'diva attitude.' They don't know any REAL women! lol!!

To that end....I think everyone regardless of gender is evil when it comes to relationships. Non-Christians tend to be nothing but horny toads and Christians walk around on egg shells afraid of their own shadow when it comes to relationships. It's no wonder there are so many of us who are single.

Anyway....

on to the original post. I agree with the post that mentioned the girls thought of you as 'one of the girls.' Again, I don't mean to offend either but I had a couple of male friends when I was your age that I felt comfortable talking about just about anything (well, maybe except 'female problems' lol!) with. I don't know if either of them ever had an feelings for me other than friendship. I was either blind or they just didn't give out the signals. (or both!) Maybe you should ask one of them one-on-one an on-the-spot question like "what is it about me that is unattractive to girls?" Granted, they may not be able to give an answer but at least you tried. I asked a guy that question about me once and his answer was because I was too short and because I was too weird. At least he was honest.

 

[rwl]

To that end....I think everyone regardless of gender is evil when it comes to relationships. Non-Christians tend to be nothing but horny toads and Christians walk around on egg shells afraid of their own shadow when it comes to relationships. It's no wonder there are so many of us who are single.

Tell us how you really feel.


TheDatelessLoserX2 - Welcome to the 'androgynous friend' zone. Mistake one, hanging out with 3 women at the same time. Of course they are going to talk about that type of stuff with if the ratio is 3 to 1.

Granted what you said is correct that " people who are friends first generally make better couples" however becoming a girls friend doesn't assure you a reservation at the boyfriend table. Sometimes the easiest people to overlook are those right in front of your face.

Your time will come when the opposite sex will identify your qualities.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Tell us how you really feel.

I often do. That's why everyone hates me...because they just can't handle the truth.

 

[rwl]

I often do. That's why everyone hates me...because they just can't handle the truth.

I should have stated i said it sarcasticly.

However your comment is *your idea*of truth. It's far from actual truth.

 

[TheDatelessLoserX2]

I'm sorry caitlin, but I couldn't agree with you less. Girls can decide who they want to date by saying yes or no to a guy that asks her out. Us guys on the other hand, we risk the humiliation in order to get a date. Maybe its just me, but im sickened by the way girls treat guys...like their feelings dont matter.

I have to agree here, since when does the girl put herself at the mercy of the other in the initial part of the dating/courting scene. True guys are supposed to be tougher, but in matters of the heart I believe we are on the same footing. This is one reason I don't ask people out, not necissarily due to rejection, but because of heartless inconsiderate rejection. Putting your emotions at the mercy of someone else who may not have the full scope of your feelings sounds like jumping off a cliff with a cheaply made parachute. Good luck landing in one piece.......

Heck heres another situation (welcome to my life, population 1) that happened recently. Me and a friend of mine went to Culver's and we invited this other guy who was sort of coming to our Wednesday night college study, but he isn't a Christian, and we hadn't seen him in a while, so we got him to come, just to catch up on what was happening in his life and such. Well anyways, dating came up (figures ) and this other guy made the suggestion that I should go out with her (note: this girl was also one of "the 3") Her response: "Nah, it wouldn't work out." THAT WAS IT! Now I didn't have my heart set on dating this girl (even though she is very attractive and a great Christian) but her just saying that and not even giving a reason hurt real bad. I mean at least say hes a total loser or something like that. Just saying something that general makes me wonder what she really thought. Man I'm starting to sound bitter....... I'm really not, but geez, this is insane.

Tell us how you really feel.


TheDatelessLoserX2 - Welcome to the 'androgynous friend' zone. Mistake one, hanging out with 3 women at the same time. Of course they are going to talk about that type of stuff with if the ratio is 3 to 1.

Granted what you said is correct that " people who are friends first generally make better couples" however becoming a girls friend doesn't assure you a reservation at the boyfriend table. Sometimes the easiest people to overlook are those right in front of your face.

Your time will come when the opposite sex will identify your qualities.

I seem to end up here a lot. The reason I went anywhere with 3 women is that I don't get a lot of social time (probably problem number 1) so a chance to hang out with any Christians my own age was too good to pass up. I also wasn't saying that It was a reservation, but its almost like if you get to be friends with a girl, you are automatically reserved to the "NO WAY" table. This is the opposite of what it should be (IMHO)

 

[gvsuman]

Dude, I could not agree with you more! I'm not saying there aren't nice, considerate girls out there, but the bulk of them..I believe...could care less whats going on in our hearts. Ladies, I'd like to be in your shoes for once...to tell a guy that he's 'not up to par' with my expectations, and walk off laughing. Please try to be in our shoes for once. Think about what's going on inside of us...how we are going out of our way to show that we like and respect you enough to want you to be a part of our life. Why don't you just spit on us while your at it?! Allow me to fill you in on a situation that happened today actually to me. There is this girl I work with, right. She is really nice and smiles alot, which I absolutely love. She treats everyone with dignity and respect. Who wouldn't want to go out with a girl like this? Well, I ask her if she likes bowling...she says that she does, but hasn't been in awhile. So I ask her if she isn't doing anything tonight, would she like to go out with me tonight? Her answer after a 2 minute pause .... I have to pack for my camping trip that im going on a week from today. Who on earth packs for a camping trip a week in advance, even though they have 3 days off coming up?!?! That's my point. Why do girls feel they need to make excuses like they do? It not only makes them a liar, but it hurts us too. Sorry if I got off topic, or confused you even more.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Most girls and guys under 26 are still working out who THEY are, that trying to work out what they WANT at the same time can cause one heck of a mess...

That girl who may be upset at the 'strong' guys whilst still wanting one herself, is probably finding that a lot of those 'strong' guys are actually quite weak when it comes to making intentions clear, heading up a mature relationship, respecting her and treating her decently. Just because they are strong guys doesn't mean that they have to walk all over other people at the same times - there is a fine balance between good Godly leadership and being a bully...

And I agree - girls as well as guys can be just as hard to read as to what they want. The key is to be honest from the start - some girls agree to date a guy because he seems nice, but it is only when they've spent a considerable amount of alone time with the person that they realise that they really don't have those feelings for that particular person. I've been there - and it was just as painful for me to tell the guy 'this isn't working' as it was for him to hear it...

In my position, I've generally been pretty clear about what I've wanted from the very start of a friendship - and it's developed from there. I've found it's usually the guy that jumps continually back and forth between 'friends' and 'partners'. Of course, most of the time we aren't really sure about what we want from that individual (ie friendship or something more) until we have tried both situations and found out how we both interact at both situations (ie - how we relate as friends, and how we each act once it's a 'date' situation)...

It's all very confusing - the best bet is to hang out for as long as you can and learn how this person is in ALL situations (even if you have to wait whilst they interact more personally with someone else), before jumping into the situation where you have the capacity for heartbreak...

My one successful relationship (the one I am in now) works better simply because we're taking the time to learn more of each other in EVERY situation...

Sasch

ps. Read boundaries in dating - better than all those Ludy/Harris books floating around in my opinion!

 

[rwl]

Most girls and guys under 26 are still working out who THEY are, that trying to work out what they WANT at the same time can cause one heck of a mess..

very solid point.

 

[TriptychR]

To be honest, the thought of asking a girl out on a date terrifies me and I would be perfectly fine if a girl made the first move. Is that truly a consideration, though?

I have several girl friends who I am thankful for having, although they lead to some dating frustrations. Not that I am interested in going out with either of them. I actually sort of have the opposite problem than the one originally posted here. These girls know I'm single and have tried to hook me up with other girls--usually ones they've only just met. I resist, and I've always seemed to make the right decision since these girls who they feel are "right" for me usually end up being hardcore partiers or potheads.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Maybe it's because I'm older but I've always been afraid that if I make the first move, the guy might think I'm 'loose' or something.

 

[TheDatelessLoserX2]

Ok this brings on another question, why do girls try to set you up with their friends, if they wouldnt date you themselves (provided they are single) for me that is almost a slap in the face. I see that as a " I won't date you but I know someone else who's desperate enough to/has lower standards" The only date I've had in 4 years was set up by my best friend's girlfriend, and that couldn't have turned out to be a worse situation. I was told so much stuff that wasn't true. I was told she was Christian (she wasn't), that she was family oriented (nope), and that she had a sense of humor (didn't see much of it). She was attractive yes, but deffinately a no. I just wish girls would make themselves very clear in their intentions, and stop giving mixed signals. And actually, for the record, I know enough guys that wouldn't mind it if the girl expressed some interest. Maybe not a first move, but a way of clearing up the signals so to speak.

There is this girl I work with, right. She is really nice and smiles alot, which I absolutely love. She treats everyone with dignity and respect. Who wouldn't want to go out with a girl like this? Well, I ask her if she likes bowling...she says that she does, but hasn't been in awhile. So I ask her if she isn't doing anything tonight, would she like to go out with me tonight? Her answer after a 2 minute pause .... I have to pack for my camping trip that im going on a week from today. Who on earth packs for a camping trip a week in advance, even though they have 3 days off coming up?!?! That's my point. Why do girls feel they need to make excuses like they do? It not only makes them a liar, but it hurts us too. Sorry if I got off topic, or confused you even more.

I can see this happening to me sometime in the future..... Trust me dude, I know the feeling.