- Jul 30, 2005
- 7,825
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- US-Democrat
At this time three years ago I was recovering from losing my job of 5 1/2 years--my first time ever being involuntarily terminated from a job. Since then, it seems, my life has gradually devolved into a robotic existence.
Do I even have goals anymore?
I have lost sight of my goals. I have lost almost all of my passions. I can no longer even be the rational being that has often had me being accused of having no heart but was always a joy intellectually; I have suffered numerous setbacks to my physical health, and it seems that even with a lot of conscious effort I can't be the inquisitive critical thinker that I used to almost subconsciously constantly be.
It is not depression. It is not my mood. My mood is okay.
It is repititiously going through the motions of what has become, it seems, a meaningless existence.
I don't really enjoy anything anymore.
Again, it is not depression. I used to go through the worst episodes of depression many years ago. I know what it feels like. It is not happening now. My mood is okay, and it is stable; it has been for a few years now.
I don't make life happen. Life happens to me. But it wasn't always that way.
I feel like I have lost all ability to do anything productive. I just work a lot of hours at a meaningless, monotonous job, pay bills, and practice just enough self-maintenance to keep that cycle going.
I feel trapped. Overwhelmed. Very few options. Very little time or energy to think about my life. Very little intuition, intellectual tools, imagination or creativity left to work with, it seems.
If there is anything that makes me want the intervention of professional help, it is this robotic existence.
I need a goal--any goal--that is feasible and that when realized will dramatically improve my outlook. But I don't know what that could be.
Of course, I could be fooling myself. It could be that I could purchase a new car, finally have a clean, organized apartment, or realize some other goal but end up still merely existing from day to day.
Is there a way out of this? Rather, a way out of this that is within my means?
The only thing that I can think of right now that might lead to a way out is to use some paid vacation days, sit down, and use as much of that time as possible to journal, journal and journal some more.
If somebody knows of a quicker, more convenient way to regain some sense of direction and priorities, then I would be very grateful if you would share it.
Do I even have goals anymore?
I have lost sight of my goals. I have lost almost all of my passions. I can no longer even be the rational being that has often had me being accused of having no heart but was always a joy intellectually; I have suffered numerous setbacks to my physical health, and it seems that even with a lot of conscious effort I can't be the inquisitive critical thinker that I used to almost subconsciously constantly be.
It is not depression. It is not my mood. My mood is okay.
It is repititiously going through the motions of what has become, it seems, a meaningless existence.
I don't really enjoy anything anymore.
Again, it is not depression. I used to go through the worst episodes of depression many years ago. I know what it feels like. It is not happening now. My mood is okay, and it is stable; it has been for a few years now.
I don't make life happen. Life happens to me. But it wasn't always that way.
I feel like I have lost all ability to do anything productive. I just work a lot of hours at a meaningless, monotonous job, pay bills, and practice just enough self-maintenance to keep that cycle going.
I feel trapped. Overwhelmed. Very few options. Very little time or energy to think about my life. Very little intuition, intellectual tools, imagination or creativity left to work with, it seems.
If there is anything that makes me want the intervention of professional help, it is this robotic existence.
I need a goal--any goal--that is feasible and that when realized will dramatically improve my outlook. But I don't know what that could be.
Of course, I could be fooling myself. It could be that I could purchase a new car, finally have a clean, organized apartment, or realize some other goal but end up still merely existing from day to day.
Is there a way out of this? Rather, a way out of this that is within my means?
The only thing that I can think of right now that might lead to a way out is to use some paid vacation days, sit down, and use as much of that time as possible to journal, journal and journal some more.
If somebody knows of a quicker, more convenient way to regain some sense of direction and priorities, then I would be very grateful if you would share it.
For example, if you [playfully] beat a rabbit with a sock, it will be traumatized forever. If you [playfully] beat a dog with a sock it will go into an awesome hyper frenzy of happiness. Sleeping with a rabbit is probably not a good idea. Sleeping with a dog is cool because they like to snuggle. It is also amusing to hide under the covers when a dog is present. Or explode out of the covers and randomly take off running through the house. Dogs are fun because they are psycho-extatic about almost everything. But then they also kind of match their mood to yours. If I want to sit outside and read, my dog plops down by my feet and relaxes, too. When my grandmothers passed away, both times my dog went and laid in my parents' laps and stayed there while they grieved.
