Excuse Chart

[Annessa3]

I think some additional information about *how* he initiated would be important.
If all he did was say 'Sex?' with raised eyebrows, he could expect to be turned down often.

 

[dysert]

I agree with most of the other posters: it seems to me that there are deeper problems in the marriage which may be manifesting themselves in her lack of desire. Otoh, I'm aware that there are plenty of people who really don't have desire no matter what. I wish I knew the answer to what to do in those cases, but in this particular case it seems that some counseling might do some good in order to get at the root cause of the problem instead of just looking at one of the symptoms. As it is, I would not be at all surprised if we saw infidelity and/or divorce on the horizon.

 

[favoritetoyisjoy]

Barring extenuating circumstances such as physical limitations, I can't remember a time when I heard a complaint about lack of sex from a spouse that claimed the marriage was great in all of the other ways, most especially if other forms of intimacy and "oneness" were present.

 

[.chrys.]

Every couple is different. For some scheduling would be a chore, for others it builds anticipation. The point is, like all needs in a relationship, to make the needs of your spouse a priority. To treat each other lovingly and respectfully and sacrafically.

I understand the need to treat each other lovingly, respectfully and sacrificially, however...is this what spouses are looking for when it comes to sex? Love, respect and sacrifice? The sacrifice part really confounds me.

 

[.chrys.]

A relationship w/o sex is a friend...and you certainly don't need to be living with, pledging fidelity to, supporting, etc...a friend. Friends are people you hang out with while looking for someone you want to spend your life with that wants to have sex with you, too.

And if a man that a woman marries is no longer able to perform sexually, does the husband/wife relationship somehow end and the couple only be considered friends?

To me, the idea that a marriage without sex is only a friendship is a very narrow vie.

 

[ValleyGal]

I understand the need to treat each other lovingly, respectfully and sacrificially, however...is this what spouses are looking for when it comes to sex? Love, respect and sacrifice? The sacrifice part really confounds me.

Sacrifice is not something you look for to get. Instead, it's something you give. Even sexually. Let's say hubby has a higher libido, and although he would like it more frequently, he recognizes his wife has a lower libido. He wants it 5 days a week, but he knows his wife prefers 2 days a week, and lately she's been working hard and is exhausted. So he asks much less frequently - not because he doesn't want it, but because he cares about whether his wife gets rest and is into it.

Otoh, she knows he has a higher libido, and because he respects her need for less frequent sex, she respects his need for more...so she will initiate anyway. She may not be into it, but since she loves her husband and wants to meet his sexual needs, she goes the extra mile.

That is sacrifice on both parts. If he initiates expecting HER to make the sacrifice and put out for him....that's not sacrifice; that's coercion.

 

[WolfGate]

I understand the need to treat each other lovingly, respectfully and sacrificially, however...is this what spouses are looking for when it comes to sex? Love, respect and sacrifice? The sacrifice part really confounds me.

It's the mindset partners should have in all parts of marriage. Why does sacrifice confound you? It sounds like you view the word with a negative connotation, but that is not the only definition.

Hebrews 13:16 (NIV) And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.

 

[WolfGate]

Sacrifice is not something you look for to get. Instead, it's something you give. Even sexually. Let's say hubby has a higher libido, and although he would like it more frequently, he recognizes his wife has a lower libido. He wants it 5 days a week, but he knows his wife prefers 2 days a week, and lately she's been working hard and is exhausted. So he asks much less frequently - not because he doesn't want it, but because he cares about whether his wife gets rest and is into it.

Otoh, she knows he has a higher libido, and because he respects her need for less frequent sex, she respects his need for more...so she will initiate anyway. She may not be into it, but since she loves her husband and wants to meet his sexual needs, she goes the extra mile.

That is sacrifice on both parts. If he initiates expecting HER to make the sacrifice and put out for him....that's not sacrifice; that's coercion.

Once again VG states things better than I could have. (Blasted result of posting at the same time) I'm tempted to just delete my post and tack the Hebrews verse here, but I'll let it stand.

 

[favoritetoyisjoy]

I think it's sacrifice in the sense of being willing to go the extra mile.

 

[DZoolander]

And if a man that a woman marries is no longer able to perform sexually, does the husband/wife relationship somehow end and the couple only be considered friends?

To me, the idea that a marriage without sex is only a friendship is a very narrow vie.

Well that's an extenuating circumstance. I'm talking about normal humdrum life where all things that we consider to be within the normal realm of possibilities are there...not where there's been some catastrophe that renders it impossible.

Within that context - I think my view makes sense.

Dating, for all intents and purposes, is defined by the sexual component - and it's the sexual component that distinguishes it from friendship. It's about finding someone that you're compatible with - that you want sex with - that also wants sex with you.

When I was single I had lots of women I knew/met that to varying degrees (on a personality/compatibility level) were a match with me - that I enjoyed their company - that I liked our talks - spending time with them/etc. But - if I didn't have a desire to have sex with them they were simply a friend. They were the ones that you dropped off at the end of the night with a hug and a "see you soon"...and that's it.

To me, at least, to talk about taking that next step where you make a promise of lifetime fidelity, sexual exclusivity, becoming responsible for them, etc...no way would I take that step with someone that I didn't desire and didn't desire me in return. That would essentially be voluntarily condemning myself to a lifetime without something that I feel is valuable.

I'm not saying that it's one or the other - but that marriage needs to have both. Those that you are compatible with but don't find desirable - keep them as friends. No harm/no foul in that. Those that you find sexually desirable but can't stand on a personal level - let 'em go. The one that you both enjoy their company AND want them sexually - that's a spouse.

 

[akmom]

The dates span over June and July, but there are only 28 entries. It is 3 times in 28 days. Accounting for menstruation that is about once a week.

 

[DZoolander]

The dates span over June and July, but there are only 28 entries. It is 3 times in 28 days. Accounting for menstruation that is about once a week.

Well, it's 3 times over 28 tries (spread out over 2 months) - which is about an 11% success rate. lol

 

[DZoolander]

I've gotta say, as a side note, I've always been perplexed by the "well, what if this happens? What if that happens?" types of questions. Of course were those types of things were to happen - you'd account for it and adjust. But - to suggest that you ought to operate your life as if they'd already happened is bizarre to me.

It's kind of like...aging. We're all gonna get old. Does that mean that I'm gonna dump my wife when she's a 70 year old woman? Absolutely not. Does that mean that it was stupid or shallow of me to omit 70 year old women from my dating pool when I was in my 20's? C'mon now...lol

Time, place and circumstance has to factor into that.

 

[.chrys.]

Not "lol". Nevermind.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Originally Posted by sdmsanjose http://www.christianforums.com/t7834041-2/#post66050511
do you really think that sex three times in 60 days is not going to cause real problems?


By MM

Yes.

Some people have low drives. Some have middle, and others have high. It is all about trust in your partner, talking things out and considering the other person's needs.

There are dry spells and that's normal. It's coming back from those dry spells with dignity and respect that is the main thing.

Talking things out and considering the other peron’s needs is a good method. One 60 day period could be worked out without any serious lasting problems

Having many periods of “…3 times over 28 tries (spread out over 2 months)” could be a huge problem for many.

 

[bluegreysky]

heck I would not be surprised if the 70 year olds have sex more than 3 times in two months!

Yes, they are my husband's parents.

 

[akmom]

Well we don't know what happened during the gaps. Maybe he didn't feel like it and she did, for all we know. Or maybe it's something much simpler, like switching to a new birth control that curbs interest.

We're all gonna get old. Does that mean that I'm gonna dump my wife when she's a 70 year old woman? Absolutely not. Does that mean that it was stupid or shallow of me to omit 70 year old women from my dating pool when I was in my 20's? C'mon now...lol

Well when you put it that way.

 

[sdmsanjose]

By Wolfgate

Again, their biggest problem isn't sexual frequency. How they deal with each other is clearly a bigger problem and there are likely others.

I think you are right Wolfgate. However, since we do not know all the other problems in this situation I just addressed the fact that many people (Men and Women) will have serious problems when there are months and months or years and years of unfulfilled sexual needs.

ValleyGal gave a very good post on sacrifice and when they get to accept that kind of sacrifice then the conflict probably vanishes altogether. It seems obvious that the couple in the link (“…3 times over 28 tries (spread out over 2 months)” are not at the stage.


We can all speculate on the other factors involved and like I said he maybe a jerk and she maybe a jerk but just addressing the sex for a healthy couple that is not on Medicare “…3 times over 28 tries (spread out over 2 months)” could be a huge problem for many. IMO

Men and women both have addressed this thread with some good information so hopefully, for those that want sex more than is in the link, we can avoid getting into that situation.

 

[Thunder Peel]

This is also a good reason why men need to condition themselves to lower their drive. I've never met a wife who wanted sex more than her husband: it rarely happens. The unfortunate thing about being a man is our wiring for intimacy and how it drives us. I went from having no drive in my late teens and early 20's to suddenly seeing it explode a few years later. It's not fun and it takes work to keep it in check for most men. Women may be able to take or leave it but men have a bigger desire and therefore we need to work harder on making it less of a priority. From there it becomes an unexpected surprise instead of a need that you're always begging for. Too many men allow it to control them and the leads to a lot of problems, including pornography and affairs.

This guy may have some valid points but he's also making sex such a huge priority that it's interfering with everything else in their relationship.

 

[ValleyGal]

An additional thought to the spreadsheet: it is a record of "poor me, I don't get enough sex, and here is how wife hurts me."

Love keeps no record of wrongs. So yeah, here's a guy who probably does not love his wife....I wouldn't put out much either, if I were not loved.