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According to the OP article, the husband shared his spreadsheet of alleged facts with his wife, it was the wife who shared it with the rest of the world. So I'm not sure why the husband is seen as apparently whining to the world "poor me, this is how my wife hurts me."
The husband may be "tacky", "keeping score", not maintaining only positive thoughts, and being "very damaging to the marriage" but if so, is the wife's airing of their dirty laundry to the rest of the world OK (or much different)?
If one of our spouses expresses a complaint to us and we pull the "you're keeping score" card, or the "you're not thinking only positive thoughts" card, or the "you're being very damaging to our marriage" card, would that be OK, and honoring to God or our marriages? Shouldn't some accountability, integity, honesty, and genuine love and caring be part of the equation? In an objective mood, I think most of us would say yes.
It's usually the men that complain about a lack of sex, but again, even when men mention they would like more of it, I don't hear sullen, angry, or resentful complaints about a lack of sex if other forms of intimacy and genuine love and caring are present. And of course, it takes two to tango, men often selfishly or unwittingly or unwisely neglect their relationship with their wives and substantially contribute to their wives "lower libido" or poor attitude, and both the pot and stove soon become black.
Well, I think it's a stretch to believe that he would feel compelled to keep track like that if she was initiating every other couple of days.
Imo, as the "head" it is his responsibility to initiate the tone of the marriage. If keeping score and whining "poor me, this is how my wife hurts me" is met with her retaliation in putting it on the internet "here's WHY I don't want sex," then I am not surprised. The truth is, we don't know what's wrong with their marriage except that it's not working very well and these two do not treat each other the way they should be.
"Expressing a complaint" is not "keeping score." Shouldn't love, caring, accountability and integrity be part of the equation? YES! That's why he should not have kept the record to start with. If he has the integrity to love his wife and honour her (part of traditional vows), then he will also honour her decisions, including declining sex....keeping a running record of it is not honouring it.
Correcting HIS behaviours has to start with HIM. And in this situation, HE is responsible for pulling out a running record to use as a weapon against her. Instead, he should discuss it with her as it happens, then reconcile the relationship (forgive and move on and do not ever bring it up again).
Correcting HER behaviour starts with HER. She should not have retaliated by putting it on the internet. What should she have done instead? There are a lot of private ways to deal with the hurt that a spouse causes you. Perhaps that is where the accountability comes in. She could have responded by saying that keeping a record like this is damaging to the marriage because it feeds his resentment toward her when he puts an entry into it, and it gave her just cause to respond in resentment. Resentment leads to contempt - one of the danger signs of impending divorce.
If this couple had come to us, keeping a record of wrongs, nurturing positive thoughts, and discussing ways BOTH contributed to the marital damage would have been discussed in our attempt to move toward setting some goals about how to improve marital satisfaction.
Actually, you would be surprised at the number of women who wish they had more frequent sex with their husband....they are just less inclined to discuss it. They are more inclined to discuss the lack of other forms of intimacy, and imo, that is a much greater problem than not enough sex.
Imo, in the OP, the husband resents her, which is probably a spillover from other things in their marriage, but he likely keeps the record of sex because he cares more about it than he does about emotional intimacy. She could have very valid reasons for not wanting it. Maybe she's in her third trimester of pregnancy (a lot of women don't want it during that time), maybe she is menopausal, maybe she is resentful towards him for not being there emotionally, maybe he hits her.....the truth is, we don't know. All we know is that she is not interested and he is only making matters worse by keeping a spreadsheet of it.
I read about this spreadsheet at another site. They say the couple are married and in their 20s.
We don't know the contents of the husband's email. We know the wife said it was immature. We read that the wife said the husband cut off contact. Maybe she couldn't reach him on his cell phone, and interpreted that as cutting off contact. Maybe he cut off contact because of what she said or wrote after receiving the email.
I think posters are making some big assumptions about these folks based on the limited information we have.
No one made the husband a hero, not even close. But let's not assume in favor of one over the other either. We could make up plausible stories in his favor all day long just as easily as hers.
And by the way, I suspect you might be surprised how much men care about other forms of intimacy besides sex.
I don't think anyone here has excused her from her behaviour. Some may not have addressed it, but I don't think anyone excused it.
I'm sure they care, but they voice lack of sex more than they voice lack of emotional connection. Maybe because they likely feel like they get enough emotional connection, so that need is met and there is no need to voice it. Otoh, women generally give more of a voice to non-sexual issues more than they do to sexual ones - although there are a lot of women who complain they don't get enough sex, too. I've yet to hear of any woman keeping spreadsheets of when her husband doesn't connect emotionally or help with chores or anything like that.
When I say that issues should be addressed, it is not keeping a record. I had an issue this morning. I voiced it, my husband stepped into how I felt about it, and we resolved the issue. That is not "keeping a record." It is nothing more than recognizing a dynamic and discussing it. Keeping a record is if I were to hold it against him, nag at him, or open a spreadsheet and start tracking his progress and dwell on how bad I have it every time I open the spreadsheet and see it for the horrible injustice I think it is. As I said in an earlier post, there is such a thing as boundaries.
When people come onto the forums and voice their complaints, for me, it's about supporting the one person who is looking for help. That might mean trying to get the person to see the other person's pov, try to understand the other person, etc. Or it might be to help the poster feel supported. People answer in various ways - and yes, obviously on a marriage board it's very challenging because you only get one side. This is not a counselling service.
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Certainly no one made any overt, outright statement declaring that the wife was excused, but considering all of the speculations, assumptions, and opinion made in her favor in sharp contrast to those made against the husband's, I'm not seeing an important distinction.
I'm also not finding anything in the Bible anywhere that prohibits any person from writing a document whether long or short, to his or her spouse, expressing grievances. I'm not seeing that keeping a record, whether written or in memory is. You just recorded a grievance with your husband. Remembering isn't even a problem. Holding a grudge is.
Certainly no one made any overt, outright statement declaring that the wife was excused, but considering all of the speculations, assumptions, and opinion made in her favor in sharp contrast to those made against the husband's, I'm not seeing an important distinction.
I'm also not finding anything in the Bible anywhere that prohibits any person from writing a document whether long or short, to his or her spouse, expressing grievances. I'm not seeing that keeping a record, whether written or in memory is. You just recorded a grievance with your husband. Remembering isn't even a problem. Holding a grudge is.
The wife in this case had been to the gym. You do get gross and sweaty at the gym - if you're actually going there for fitness.
Yes, but if she says she feels sweaty and gross and needs to shower, and then goes to bed in said gross condition and doesn't shower until the next day, that does sound rather odd.
June 4 the entry reads: "I feel sweaty and gross, I need a shower." then notes she didn't shower until the next day.
I agree (all of those aspects are what make up a marriage).A marriage without sex is really no more than a really good room-mate with a friend.
A marriage without friendship is nothing but a shallow sex-fest that will probably not endure. Either option is not a marriage.
A marriage is everything, IMHO.
I agree (all of those aspects are what make up a marriage).
I'm of the belief that, most likely, what's going on in the couple with the spreadsheet record is the lack of friendship. When there's no foundation of friendship, however, a couple ends up with NO friend---and NO sex.
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