Ex in-laws

[madison1101]

I have a problem. I do not want to have a relationship with my ex's parents, yet they want one with me. I have not forgiven them for helping my ex move out of my house when he left four years ago. They got him furniture and brought it into my house for him to store while he waited for his apartment to become ready. M-i-l said that I would always be the mother of her grandchildren. Seeing them upsets me.

Today I was in the hospital, and they came to visit me and brought me flowers. Right before they got there, my ex called to see how I was doing as my son had told him I was in the hospital. Hearing from him and seeing them both really upset me.

My son tells me I have to let go and move on. I am just stuck in my feelings where this is concerned.

Madison

 

[Southern Cross]

If they don't have anything against you, then be polite back to them in kind. They probably care for you very much. Aren't your children grown? So there is little chance they are doing this to manipulate their grandchildren by being nice to you for appearance's sake, correct?

My wife's parents say they will support her no matter what as our relationship continues to deteriorate and a divorce is pending. Instead of telling her to stay home, stick it out, and work on reconciliation, they are supporting her financially and offering to let her and the kids to move 1,200 miles away to live with them (which I won't permit unless I have a way to eventually live near them). They've been sold a list of half truths and they don't know the truth about what's happened between my wife and I. But, you know what? They've also stepped forward to ask if I need help with anything. I love these people a lot, although I'm angry at what's going on, and I appreciate their offer. It's hard to remember that your inlaws are just acting instinctively to protect their child, even if he was a grown man. Maybe that's what your in laws were doing when they helped your husband.

My step father, who has had a luke warm relationship with me from time to time, is prepared to help me set up a new home (small apartment) in case this divorce goes through. Parents with all of their life experiences understand the challenges we face through a divorce, and want to help even if that effort isn't exactly the right thing to do. We're old enough to make our decisions, they just want to make sure we are set up to succeed at the next stage of life.

Sometimes by "faking it" and being quietly appreciative of their visit can help you change your own negative thoughts. Remember, your response to them is a testimony to your Christian faith and how God is taking care of you thorugh all this, how your heart is changing. They need to see that.

I hope this message finds you well and there is nothing serious going on. Are you out of the hospital?

 

[madison1101]

I understand, but they are always telling my son, age 26, to invite me over to their house for things, like on election night, watching the results on TV and stuff like that. Son is always trying to get me to go over with him. I tried to explain it to him, but he just thinks I am being rude. I just don't want a relationship with these people because they are related to my ex, and they have a new daughter-in-law.

Madison

 

[heartnsoul]

It's understandable how you feel. Divorces are very painful and it takes lots of time to heal completely from one. It makes it even harder when you have to still maintain touch with your ex and the in-laws. I've heard it said that the deeper the hurt/anger, the more time it will require to totally "get over" the situation. At least you acknowledge your emotions and admit how you feel. That is a good thing to be able to be honest with yourself. God knows how you are feeling and will help you through all of this. I will keep you in my prayers and may God continue to bless you with His love, peace and comfort.

 

[BlessedVegan]

I think it's unfair of you to not want a relationship with them solely b/c they are related to your ex. It sounds like they've been incredibly nice to you and supportive. What do you expect? And why have you not forgiven them for helping your ex move? They are his parents after all. Even if they didn't support what he was doing, they still want to help him out. That is not their fault. I can't believe that is something that even needs forgiveness. My parents have an active relationship with my ex sister in law..and they all love each other..my parents have helped her out numerous times. It seems to me you are cutting out a good relationship b/c you are mad at your ex. IMHO.

 

[madison1101]

Seeing my ex-inlaws is just too painful for me. I have been emotionally unstable since my divorce, and seeing them just triggers a lot of painful stuff that I have trouble controlling. My psychotheraist has asked me why I would want to have a relationship with them in the first place. They are no longer my inlaws. They have a new daughter-in-law. I don't want to go to their house and see wedding pictures of my ex and his new wife. Every time I have seen them or him since the divorce I have felt suicidal. That is why I do not want to have a relationship with them.

My son asked me if I would help him if he got a divorce and I flat out told him "NO." Divorce is sin and I will not support my children in their sin. My son and his fiancee are sexually active, BUT they are not physically involved in my house. Why? Because it is sin, and they have been told by me that I love them dearly, but I will not have them have sex in my house till they are married. Once they are married, I will sacrifice a lung to help them in every way, except sin. If my son needs to move out of their home, he can stay at a hotel or his adulterous father's house.

 

[desi]

I think it makes absolute sense for you to want to stay away from such people. Anyone who would be party to helping the destruction of my marriage would be on my short list.

 

[BlessedVegan]

Well madison..if it is causing you that much pain then it's best not to see them..I thought it was more that you just were still mad at them about helping him move. I didn't realize it was so painful..obviously if you are feeling suicidal around them you shouldn't put yourself through that. So I take back what I said, I was wrong. Sorry

 

[suzybeezy]

I'm going to chime in here. Hope I don't offend. Not my intention. But in my opinion, you should try to work on forgiveness towards both your ex and your in-laws, not only for your own spiritual and personal healing, but also for your son. You are a living example to him. I see that you note you are a Christian. Part of being a Christian is forgiveness. If you say your son is living a life with some sinful activity, I would think you would want to demonstrate to him the power of God and the difference God can make in ones life.

I say this to you not out of harshness but from experience. I am a divorced person, who is now a Christian. I was only beginning my walk with God when I got divorced. My husband was rotten to the core. My ex-mother-in-law drove me insane with some of the things she did. But I have children, her grandchildren, that love her. As hideously difficult as it was to overcome, I found a way to tolerate her at the beginning. Through time, I have found that I actually like her. I've even grown so far that I'm not bothered by my ex anymore and have found forgiveness. Yes, it takes time, but it is necessary for you to heal.

I truly hope this came out the way I intended it to come out. I realize you are in alot of emotional pain dealing with them. I just want to share with you the benefits of working through it. I partly agree with your therapist that you don't what to put yourself in a position that depresses you so severely that you want to hurt yourself, I know I had a hard time getting over the resentment and betrayal of what I thought was a marriage of true love. For me, that's what made it difficult to know he had another relationship and to think I was now the oddman out.

But you may want to examine what God wants you to learn from this experience. In every circumstance, there is a potential for growth.

You will become so strengthened by overcoming this major obstacle in your life and your son could learn so much from the example you show him. I highly encourage you to pray that God give you the patience and strength to forgive. Take baby steps at first and be upfront and honest with your in-laws, they may not realize how difficult it is for you.

 

[LegacyOfLove]

With my ex-in-laws, when I see them (like chance encounters at the store)...we are cordial with one another and polite. I do not have a "relationship" with them, but I do not harbor resentment or unforgiveness towards them. The choices that my ex-husband made that resulted in our divorce were HIS choices...not theirs. He is their son/relative and so, naturally to some extent they are going to be supportive of him. But, as a Christian and also because those ex-in-laws are blood-related to my children, I have chosen to be kind and forgiving of any hard-feelings I was carrying around towards them.

Despite who was at fault in a divorce, we still need to make sure our own hearts are in the right place with God and forgiving of others. As long as you are able to do that, then I don't see why there should be any problem with you choosing not to have a "relationship" with the ex-in-laws. That is after all, absolutely your own choice to make! Hope that makes some sense and is helpful. God bless you!

 

[madison1101]

Please don't get me wrong. I had a very good relationship with my mom-in-law prior to my divorce. I had judged her when I first met her because she was sleeping with a man who was not her husband, before they got a divorce. Her current husband she slept with before his wife died. Not great role models for marriage.

The problem is, she wants to socialize with me, and treat me like her daughter-in-law, like nothing ever happened, and I just can't do that. Recently, I was in the hospital, and she came to visit me and brought me flowers.

I am the mother of her only grandchildren, so that gives me some special rank or something. She helped me get my bachelors degree by babysitting when the kids were little.

When my ex left, I felt such a sense of loss because I am no longer invited to her home at Christmas, and no longer invited to the family birthday stuff, or to visit her father. I was outcast from her family when he divorced me, but she still wants me to visit her, and socialize. You can't have it both ways. One day I am good enough to be invited for Christmas, the next I am not, all on account of the fact that her son got tired of being married to me.


I think I also blame her in a sense, because while she claims to have been a Christian since high school, she left her husband, slept around, and committed adultery so many times, and sent my husband the message that it was okay.

 

[wheels4Christ]

Please don't get me wrong. I had a very good relationship with my mom-in-law prior to my divorce. I had judged her when I first met her because she was sleeping with a man who was not her husband, before they got a divorce. Her current husband she slept with before his wife died. Not great role models for marriage.

The problem is, she wants to socialize with me, and treat me like her daughter-in-law, like nothing ever happened, and I just can't do that. Recently, I was in the hospital, and she came to visit me and brought me flowers.

I am the mother of her only grandchildren, so that gives me some special rank or something. She helped me get my bachelors degree by babysitting when the kids were little.

When my ex left, I felt such a sense of loss because I am no longer invited to her home at Christmas, and no longer invited to the family birthday stuff, or to visit her father. I was outcast from her family when he divorced me, but she still wants me to visit her, and socialize. You can't have it both ways. One day I am good enough to be invited for Christmas, the next I am not, all on account of the fact that her son got tired of being married to me.


I think I also blame her in a sense, because while she claims to have been a Christian since high school, she left her husband, slept around, and committed adultery so many times, and sent my husband the message that it was okay.

To the poster that says Christians are to forgive... well show me a repenting heart and I will agree. By your post above ..these EX in-laws of yours doesnt sound like they know the meaning of "forgiveness" so I would be cordial (becuz kindness kills the wickedness) but keep everything short and fenced. God bless.

 

[BlessedVegan]

To the poster that says Christians are to forgive... well show me a repenting heart and I will agree. By your post above ..these EX in-laws of yours doesnt sound like they know the meaning of "forgiveness" so I would be cordial (becuz kindness kills the wickedness) but keep everything short and fenced. God bless.

Where do you get that from? Her in laws are bringing her flowers when she was sick, inviting her to do things, and generally being nice people. How have they not "forgiven" her?

 

[wheels4Christ]

Where do you get that from? Her in laws are bringing her flowers when she was sick, inviting her to do things, and generally being nice people. How have they not "forgiven" her?

I think you misunderstood my post. My forgiven comment was said toward the ex-inlaws in terms that they really havent generated a sense of repentness for their part.

Maybe IF ex-inlaws said in private (not posted) conversation that they are sorry for their parts during divorce... I could see a forgivness. Even so, I wouldnt start being buddys with them like nothing has changed.

The problem is, she wants to socialize with me, and treat me like her daughter-in-law, like nothing ever happened, and I just can't do that. Recently, I was in the hospital, and she came to visit me and brought me flowers.

yes it was a nice gesture with the flowers. you owe them a thank you card at most. But to be pals? Pftttttttttt.

And if I am reading BlessedVegan correctly, if not please bring to my attention, why would ex-inlaws be the one to forgive OP? What has she done to need forgivenss from them?? because OP wants to limit relationships with them due to (1) They have a NEW daughter-in-law (2) OP's mental wellness. PLEASE. I wholeheartily disagree.

OP could be cordial... but to expect her to LIKE her ex-inlaws? Again I say pfttttttt.

 

[Avaya]

I understand, but they are always telling my son, age 26, to invite me over to their house for things, like on election night, watching the results on TV and stuff like that. Son is always trying to get me to go over with him. I tried to explain it to him, but he just thinks I am being rude. I just don't want a relationship with these people because they are related to my ex, and they have a new daughter-in-law.

Madison

I may be wrong here, but judging from your age and your comment that you divorced 4 years ago, and you have grown children, I'm suspecting that you and your ex were married somewhere near 20 years. Madison, that's a long time to know someone. Your ex-inlaws were part of your family for 20 years. A relationship like that doesn't just stop. If your husband had died instead of divorcing you, wouldn't you still have a relationship with them? I suspect yes. Divorce hurts everyone involved. He is their son, I'm sure they struggled with their decisions and actions. Give it over to God and let them be good to you the way they appear to want to. And forgive.

 

[Avaya]

To the poster that says Christians are to forgive... well show me a repenting heart and I will agree. By your post above ..these EX in-laws of yours doesnt sound like they know the meaning of "forgiveness" so I would be cordial (becuz kindness kills the wickedness) but keep everything short and fenced. God bless.

Ahhh, but the bible doesn't say to forgive IF there is repentance. You can't wait for the fruit of repentance because just like fruit on an apple tree, it takes time to show it. But God's work says to forgive. Just like with the commandments, God doesn't qualify Honor thy Mother and thy Father "IF" they deserve it. He says to DO IT. WE might wish there was repentance, but God doesn't require it between brothers & sisters. His word aludes to "How can we think we deserve to be forgiven if we are not willing to be forgivers?"

 

[wheels4Christ]

Ahhh, but the bible doesn't say to forgive IF there is repentance. You can't wait for the fruit of repentance because just like fruit on an apple tree, it takes time to show it. But God's work says to forgive. Just like with the commandments, God doesn't qualify Honor thy Mother and thy Father "IF" they deserve it. He says to DO IT. WE might wish there was repentance, but God doesn't require it between brothers & sisters. His word aludes to "How can we think we deserve to be forgiven if we are not willing to be forgivers?"

Sorry but please show me a Bible verse which tells me to forgive my tresspasers without them asking for forgiveness.

Where as Peter says in:

Acts 2:38 - And Peter said to them, "Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

Even Jesus Christ will not forgive us our sins unless we confess and repent. Do you disagree? Or will you say the popular "Our God is full of Grace and will love & Forgive us no matter what...." propanganda that is on the street??

Just curious.

 

[madison1101]

I do not see what my 25 year marriage has to do with anything. I do not see what the fact that my husband left me 4 years ago has to do with anything. I do not see what the fact that my kids are all adults has to do with anything. The facts that I am concerned with are that my husband decided to divorce me around our 25th anniversary. My inlaws helped him move out. He had a date the day after he moved, before he even filed for the divorce. He took his girlfriend to Florida before they were married. They got married in February. I am not their daughter-in -law. I don't owe them anything. I gave them 3 beautiful grandchildren. They helped my husband divorce me.

 

[Avaya]

Sorry but please show me a Bible verse which tells me to forgive my tresspasers without them asking for forgiveness.

Show me one that says that you have to be asked to forgive before you do it. Forgiveness is NOT for the person receiving the forgiveness. Forgiveness is for the FORGIVER. If you hold unforgiveness in your heart, that is YOUR sin, not your offenders sin.

Where as Peter says in:

Acts 2:38 - And Peter said to them, "Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

Well, I don't see where this says you have to be asked to forgive before you do it.

Even Jesus Christ will not forgive us our sins unless we confess and repent. Do you disagree? Or will you say the popular "Our God is full of Grace and will love & Forgive us no matter what...." propanganda that is on the street??

Just curious.

Yeah, and RUDE. I'm a Chrisitan and part of that means asking God for forgiveness. Yes, we must ask Him first because Jesus paid for our sins. He stood in for us and offered us a gift that we must accept.

YOu should be a little more careful about being accusatory toward people you don't know. The bible does NOT say that you have to be asked to forgive before you offer forgiveness so my response was on target.

 

[Avaya]

I do not see what my 25 year marriage has to do with anything. I do not see what the fact that my husband left me 4 years ago has to do with anything. I do not see what the fact that my kids are all adults has to do with anything. The facts that I am concerned with are that my husband decided to divorce me around our 25th anniversary. My inlaws helped him move out. He had a date the day after he moved, before he even filed for the divorce. He took his girlfriend to Florida before they were married. They got married in February. I am not their daughter-in -law. I don't owe them anything. I gave them 3 beautiful grandchildren. They helped my husband divorce me.

Madison, you are bitter. Those people were your family for 25 years. It's like saying to your parents after they raised you 'mom,dad, thanks for raising me, I've graduated from college and now I don't need you anymore, so you wont be seeing me ever again. I don't owe you anything.'

So your ex had a date the day after he moved out. Had he not moved out he still would have had a date and you'd have been happier? Not.

Yes, his parents helped him - that's what parents do. Your ex had to have been about 45 or 50 when this happened - he didn't NEED his parent's help anyway - he was going to do what he wanted to do no matter what.

You don't have to have a relationship with his parents, nobody's saying you do. But tell them that you don't and then move on. You are allowing your bitterness to fester and you're blaming it on them when you're the one harbouring resentment.

I pray that you can let go and let God handle this. You're bitter for nothing. Yes, you were hurt, but that is part of the cycle of life. It's sad that you had to suffer at the hands of someone else's sin. But don't continue in sin yourself because of that. Two wrongs don't make a right.