Escalating Depression

[FlaviusAetius]

Has anyone else ever felt infuriated having to read or listen to other people who seemingly have a more "valid" reason to be depressed? Using myself for example, I feel like a worthless waste of life and you'd all probably want to beat me bloody when you discover that I have both my parents who both love me and seem to tolerate my completely worthless existence. I live comfortably in Middle Class and overall should have lived a happy conflict free life. Yet here I am...venting on a depression sub-board because every endless night is like torture in my head.

Meanwhile other people suffer depression because someone close like parents abused them or they live in total poverty or any other example where God seems to just make your earthly life completely miserable. Yet when I hear these stories all I can feel is anger at what seems to be a competition to shut my feelings down thinking "See my life is worse than yours, you have no right to be depressed" I realize people don't intentionally do this but that's what I get out of these sob stories.

I must be some narcissist who only cares about myself, my empathy is slowly dying too. At this point I don't care, I almost want to become some soulless sociopath. It's not like I ever need to use empathy when I'm just a nobody to most people and a worthless disappointment to myself.

Anger and sadness seem to be the only emotions that are genuine and lasting anymore. I get so furious at all of mankind and yet have to keep it bottled away unless I want to be further isolated and miss out on the meaningless small talk with co-workers that pretty much makes up my only social interaction.

I hate everything, if God wanted me saved He should of just let me drown when I was 3. At least then the soul wouldn't have become this rotten dark void that I've become.

 

[dyingslowly]

Anyone from any social class can be stricken with depression. It's true that, for many of us, a highly dysfunctional family background and traumatic life experiences are primary reasons for our depression.

But, depression can also be a generational curse, or, spiritual attack.

It's not a competition... and, I don't think you will get that sort of treatment here, as opposed to the world out there. I've learnt not to share my struggles with anyone in real life, because somehow people always manage to find a way to trivialize it.

Are you on any medications or at least seeing a therapist?

 

[lindart]

Depression does not discriminate. It IS a genetic, bio chemical dissonance in the brain.

Just as one cannot 'know' another's physical pain, the same is true of depression. When someone tries to 'quantify' another's pain, they are being insensitive. Pay them no attention.

 

[com7fy8]

Yes, other people can be mean and not understand me; this is because they have problems, too. So, if I am expecting wrong people to do things right with me . . . uh-uh. I need God; only He can do what is right with me, to correct me and make me strong against nasty stuff in me. And I need to not allow wrong people to have power over me to decide how I am, including if I forgive them or not. I need to forgive, no matter what, first, partly so I am in good control and love.

So, I need to be ready to forgive people. And be ready to discover and enjoy the ones who know how to love me and help me to love. And even these people can be mistaken and wrong, at times. Or, I take it that way that they are wrong > I need to pray so I see and understand right, and do not make up problems with people. But also be able to forgive when people are wrong and nasty and ignorant and unfeeling. And pray with hope for people who are wrong, instead of letting them have the power over me to decide how I am and what I do.

That is part of getting stronger against depression . . . being strong enough to love and forgive anyone.

I find that a lot of people also have problems; so . . . "of course" . . . a lot of people can not handle sharing with me about how I am doing and how they are doing.

That isolation . . . when it is night . . . yes, that can be scary and awful, when I find out how I really am and can be, and nothing and nobody is there to make me one way or another, and it's just me. By myself can be nice and quiet, or boring and lonely and nasty and horrible and being against other people.

So, I find . . . discover . . . that only God can make me pleasant when it is quiet.

"'Take My yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'" (Matthew 11:29)

We can fear quiet. Satan will attack our quietness, because here is where we can be sensitive with God and enjoy Him and loving any and all people. So, there are many things which mess us while it is quiet, in order to keep us from going there and being with God.

 

[FlaviusAetius]

Anyone from any social class can be stricken with depression. It's true that, for many of us, a highly dysfunctional family background and traumatic life experiences are primary reasons for our depression.

But, depression can also be a generational curse, or, spiritual attack.

It's not a competition... and, I don't think you will get that sort of treatment here, as opposed to the world out there. I've learnt not to share my struggles with anyone in real life, because somehow people always manage to find a way to trivialize it.

Are you on any medications or at least seeing a therapist?

It still makes me feel inadequate, publically it's almost universal that people will tell someone like me to "get over yourself" for being depressed with such a good life. Not that I envy dysfunctional depressed people; I'd probably be homeless and dead if I didn't have family that cared about me despite the total disappointment that is my life. Deep down I also know that I don't deserve to feel depressed, people who say "get over yourself" are right, I don't have a right to feel this unhappy all the time.

Also no, I am not taking medication or seeing a therapist. For medication, I don't want to become dependent on a drug to shape my whole persona. I fear that it wouldn't be real happiness and it would just be a chemical mask to hide my true self. Also I don't want to take drugs because I know I'm a talentless loser who lacks ambition, even if I had a "healthy" mentality I wouldn't use it for anything worthwhile. Whether happy or sad I'll still be a loser with a worthless degree in History with only becoming a High School teacher as my sole career option.

As for a therapist, I feel I'd become more depressed knowing I was spending money to pay someone to vent at. I fear I wouldn't follow through with any therapists suggestions. Finally I know no matter how much they seem to care they only care because I'm paying them and probably snicker to their families at how pathetic I am.

Depression does not discriminate. It IS a genetic, bio chemical dissonance in the brain.

Just as one cannot 'know' another's physical pain, the same is true of depression. When someone tries to 'quantify' another's pain, they are being insensitive. Pay them no attention.

I just feel like I have to pay the whole world no attention. Yet at the same time I'm conflicted over if I like being isolated or if I hate it with all my soul. Some days I feel humanity isn't worth my time and other times I just want to be part of all the normal happy faces.

...uh-uh. I need God; only He can do what is right with me, to correct me and make me strong against nasty stuff in me.

My problem first off is I have strong doubts and have trouble putting my faith in all the supernatural elements of the Bible; especially now that its popular among the majority to mock the Bible and God as just fake stories and delusions. Even if that wasn't the case, since I was 16 I've felt I lost my ability to stay in God's good grace. Eventually I constantly sinned that it seemed the only way I could get to Heaven was if I confessed my sins and by luck was hit by a car and died seconds afterwards.

 

[jsimms615]

Depression does not discriminate. It IS a genetic, bio chemical dissonance in the brain.

Just as one cannot 'know' another's physical pain, the same is true of depression. When someone tries to 'quantify' another's pain, they are being insensitive. Pay them no attention.

With many it can be genetic. It can also be situational and so away when the situation changes.
I agree with the part where you said that someone should not try to quantify someone else's pain. We don't know what another person might be going through and should be sensitive.

 

[dyingslowly]

If you've been depressed for a long time, I urge you to see a doctor. I was in denial for years. I had the same thoughts as you - that I might get hooked on meds, and, they might change my personality.

When I finally gave in, the doctor said if I had sought help much earlier, I might have been able to recover. Now it's present all the time, but, meds take the edge off. They alleviate, not eradicate. I'm still the same person. If not for meds, I probably would've wound up jobless and homeless.

Not all therapists are after your money. I was seeing a therapist that charged me at a subsidized rate. Where do you live? **Can someone here please recommend this gentleman a non-profit org. staffed with competent, well-qualified counselors?**

I'm a nurse. I get paid for helping people. But, I'm not in it for the money. Sure, it's my livelihood. But, it's hard work, and, extremely exhausting. It's the same for therapists. It's not easy for them to sit there and listen all day long to people's problems (they have personal problems, too) and try to help them. A therapist's job is also to impart lifelong coping skills. Many therapists genuinely care, but, it might take some time to find the right therapist for you.

Treat it like you would if you had diabetes. Not everyone get it because they abuse their bodies with junk food. For some, it's hereditary. So, they need long-term meds, regular blood-sugar level checks, and, follow-up medical consultations.

P.S.: It would be ideal to seek therapy first. Proceed to see a psychiatrist if therapy alone isn't working.

Hannah

 

[blackribbon]

Quite often depression has no "cause"...situational depression is different. Don't feel bad...just recognize it is real and needs treatment. I actually didn't get treatment because "I had a known reason" for my sadness and depression and didn't think I qualified. Reality is that we both need(ed) help.

 

[FlaviusAetius]

Thank you to everyone who replied, not much else I can say at this point. The ball is in my court to actually follow through with a therapist.


I suppose one thing I can mention is a dream I had today that left me depressed and feeling empty inside from the the moment I woke up. In it I'm with my 8 year old sister and get bitten in the thigh by an orange snake. I'm so panicked I couldn't even pull it off or harm it...it just eventually lets go.

If I had to guess, it'd probably be symbolic of how utterly worthless of a elder brother I've been to my two siblings. I've given them no positive influence, I might as well have died.

 

[jsimms615]

Thank you to everyone who replied, not much else I can say at this point. The ball is in my court to actually follow through with a therapist.


I suppose one thing I can mention is a dream I had today that left me depressed and feeling empty inside from the the moment I woke up. In it I'm with my 8 year old sister and get bitten in the thigh by an orange snake. I'm so panicked I couldn't even pull it off or harm it...it just eventually lets go.

If I had to guess, it'd probably be symbolic of how utterly worthless of a elder brother I've been to my two siblings. I've given them no positive influence, I might as well have died.

even if that is true, you can change it. You can support them now.
try to remember that even when sin is great, God's forgiveness and grace is greater.

 

[FlaviusAetius]

even if that is true, you can change it. You can support them now.
try to remember that even when sin is great, God's forgiveness and grace is greater.

Might I ask where you derive your faith in God? I mean I feel hypocritical to deny the supernatural elements of another person's pagan faith but then know to be a good Catholic I'd have to accept that Jesus resurrected himself and others among just one of his many miracles.

This is a question for anyone to answer, I'd love to know where those of stronger faith hold their power from. Especially now that being skeptical is considered popular and mainstream; even more so when it's attacking Christianity.

 

[com7fy8]

Might I ask where you derive your faith in God? I mean I feel hypocritical to deny the supernatural elements of another person's pagan faith but then know to be a good Catholic I'd have to accept that Jesus resurrected himself and others among just one of his many miracles.

This is a question for anyone to answer, I'd love to know where those of stronger faith hold their power from. Especially now that being skeptical is considered popular and mainstream; even more so when it's attacking Christianity.

Hi, Flavius My faith is not just belief in ideas I have been told. Faith is my connection with God, so I get correction and find out how to love. And His love has power almighty to make mean and nasty stuff go away and not be able to mess with me.

I personally see there can be a connection between depression and things a person is afraid about. So, if this is true, >

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18)

If God's love power almighty gets rid of my fears, now those fears can not feed me into being depressed about things I no longer fear.

So, my faith is my connection with God and how His love effects me. Plus, I trust Him to work things out, and I keep discovering how He has things work out better than I have thought or hoped.

And so, my ideas are different, now that I have been experiencing what is happening with me and God. It's like if you have a nice car you are going to get, you have ideas about it; but after you have actually felt and handled the car and discovered how it is to use it . . . and enjoy it . . . you and have different ideas plus, now you are experiencing what your ideas can mean in your life.

I still have problems; I keep trusting God to correct me and encourage and guide me. And I have people who are good for me. But always I need to be ready to care about and forgive anyone who does not understand me and might even abuse me > being ready with forgiveness and caring can help make me strong against the fears and depression.

 

[Cute Tink]

Has anyone else ever felt infuriated having to read or listen to other people who seemingly have a more "valid" reason to be depressed? Using myself for example, I feel like a worthless waste of life and you'd all probably want to beat me bloody when you discover that I have both my parents who both love me and seem to tolerate my completely worthless existence. I live comfortably in Middle Class and overall should have lived a happy conflict free life. Yet here I am...venting on a depression sub-board because every endless night is like torture in my head.

Meanwhile other people suffer depression because someone close like parents abused them or they live in total poverty or any other example where God seems to just make your earthly life completely miserable. Yet when I hear these stories all I can feel is anger at what seems to be a competition to shut my feelings down thinking "See my life is worse than yours, you have no right to be depressed" I realize people don't intentionally do this but that's what I get out of these sob stories.

I just wanted to say that your depression is just as valid as anyone else's. There will always be someone who "has it worse" than someone else, but that doesn't mean we don't have our own problems.

I hope you follow up with therapy and start to dig yourself out of this low spot you find yourself in.

 

[FlaviusAetius]

What's the point...pretty obvious I have no place in this world. How completely worthless can one person be, failing at living a comfortable practically work free life of first world middle class.

I already know, at this point I must sound like a self-pitying attention grabber. It happens every time, people are willing to listen only for so long before they make it obvious their sick and tired of you. At this point I guess I don't care about masking that I'm a whiny worthless waste of a life. Nothing brings my joy anymore, I can't find a single thing I'm talented at or that I can claim to be better than anyone else.

I'm not humble, I'd love to be good at something and always know that even if someone was better than me at least I'm still one of the best. But no, I have value in absolutely nothing. God hates me, people hate me and all I can do is feebly hate them back because I'm so useless.

23 most people have settled into a life and here I am wishing something would take it from me and end this empty.

So sorry for being a lost cause, don't worry I'm too much of a coward to ever actually kill myself. I'll just rot away inside until eventually even family gets sick of me and would prefer I went off and died somewhere. Not saying they hate me at all right now, I don't want to slander them after they've put up with my worthless existence. What a disappointment I must me to them, first generation American, expected to become some rich fancy lawyer and instead I'm a social reject, shut-in, no drivers license at 23 and with a bleak future as a slave to the public education system making garbage pay teaching juveniles who I hate and who'll walk all over me.

 

[look4hope]

Flavius... I know that feeling too well, my friend.

 

[dyingslowly]

Depression makes us feel that way... it makes us feel we're a liability to this world, which makes us hate ourselves and want to disappear.

Mike Yaconelli wrote a book titled 'Messy Spirituality'. I haven't gotten around to reading it yet, but, you could try... there have been good reviews about it.

I have met people who grew up in relatively 'normal' families (every family is dysfunctional, in different degrees) who have depression. They're genetically predisposed to it. It's not their fault.

It's not your fault.

You really need to forgive yourself...

 

[GameHHH]

I hate everything, if God wanted me saved He should of just let me drown when I was 3. At least then the soul wouldn't have become this rotten dark void that I've become.

Yeah. I wish I would have died after my junior year in college. The longer I remain on this earth the darker my soul is becoming.

 

[FlaviusAetius]

Flavius... I know that feeling too well, my friend.

Thank you, I'm sorry for being such a burden to people here. It happens so frequently, things going from anger > sadness > emptiness > normalcy over a span of 1-3 days. Right now I still feel a bit empty, in this state I tend to feel physical pains more sensitively which doesn't really help improve my mood since it makes me feel frail.

Depression makes us feel that way... it makes us feel we're a liability to this world, which makes us hate ourselves and want to disappear.

My problem is, I am a liability the only benefit I give to anyone is about 320 dollars a month to help with house bills. I'm a burden so I feel like what's the point in being happy, I'll still be a burden on everyone.

Oh and a new update for me...I was rejected from the Master's program for not having experience with children. I suppose I should have expected it. I'm not really angry or reverted to sadness, I feel it's just prolonging my emptiness and just more evidence that I am worthless to this world and wasted 20,000 dollars on a worthless History bachelor's degree.

 

[com7fy8]

history!

So, you teach history??

 

[FlaviusAetius]

No, I was taught History and I have a piece of paper that cost 30,000 dollars that says technically I know history more than the common layman. Too bad the number of jobs that want a History bachelor's degree can be counted in one hand, all of them menial except for the smallest of elites who get a PHD and somehow manage to teach History.

I'm a fool for ever believing those people that said to follow your passions when you enter University. They should have said, "Follow your passions, only if they can get you a high paying career that won't leave you trapped in lower middle class like a wage slave."

So many engineers and people who work with computers got degrees and must be laughing their way to the bank. Meanwhile here I am leeching off my father, who has more hope in me than I ever will that somehow I won't become a societal slave with no freedoms other than to work until I'm old and frail.

I'm not even that passionate about history anymore...I have no passions at all. Just existing for the sake of living like a worthless animal.

Sorry, everyone must be at their wits ends at this point. I already saw there was a post deleted in this thread, no doubt one laughing at how pathetic I am. Probably with the advice to kill myself for being so useless.