Enough is enough!!!

[8462]

I am a 23 year old mother of 2. My youngest is 5 months and my oldest is 3 years. I am not currently working and my DH works nights and sleeps days.

I am so overwhelmed with constantly taking care of the kids. It has been 3 months since the last time I got a day to myself (without having to take the kids with me anywhere). I am constantly with them. The only break I get without the kids is when I am sleeping.

I feel like I am going crazy!!

Being that we don't live anywhere near family, we tried a babysitter but to no avail. Babysitters just don't help when it comes to taking care of my children because my DH is sooooo picky on who the children are allowed to be left with (and I can understand where he is coming from) so. . . There are basically no people around us that he is willing to let the children stay with.

He expects me to be with them 24/7 unless I am asleep and even then (the nights that he is at work) I am still with the children.

I hardly ever get time to myself and am constantly feeling overwhelmed.
Please don't misunderstand me. I love my children to death and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. . . but I feel like I am losing myself and not taking "me" time. . .

Sooo. What do I do?

 

[SearchingStudent]

The next time your husband has a day off, explain to him that if you don't get away you are going to lose it and need a few hours to yourself. Then, get in the car and go! Go to a park and sit on a bench, go to a coffee shop and just sit and people watch.

Can you join a MOPS group or a ladies' bible study?

I know when my kids were small (5 kids in 7-1/2 years) I often needed and craved a few child-free hours. Talk to your husband...tell him that if he's going to be very picky about babysitters and therefore make it hard for you to get enough time to yourself to go to the bathroom, then HE can step in and take the lead with the kids.

 

[Neenie1]

I like what Searching Student suggested. I would also be looking for playgroups or ladies Bible studies.

 

[akmom]

Does your husband work overtime, or does he work a 40 hrs/week night shift? If he is only working full-time, then he does not need to "sleep days." He only needs to sleep about 8 hours during the day. The rest of the time he's home, he should be available to help with the kids, as part of the responsibility of parenthood.

Don't let him pull the "I work so you take care of the kids" line. If he works 8 hours a day, then clocks out for the other 16, then that's not equivalent to taking constant 24-hour shifts of childcare (or 16-hour day shifts, as it may be). As a mother, of course you don't get to "clock out" after 8 hours, and you do have to be "on call" 24/7, but that does not mean you need to be running yourself ragged at all waking hours. Everyone needs a break, not just working men.

Now if your husband is working long hours or multiple jobs, his ability to pitch in will be limited, so unfortunately that's going to put a greater burden on you too. That's just part of the sacrifice that the whole family has to make sometimes, and hopefully such situations are temporary.

I was overwhelmed the same way with my first child, and felt like my husband was avoiding helping at all costs (hour-long restroom breaks, for example). I finally got a part-time job for no other reason than I needed a breather. (We were in a tight spot financially, so my husband couldn't really turn it down.) It was brief, but those few weeks helped get everyone out of the habit of turning to mom for every single thing. Sometimes it's just as much the baby's "fault," when he/she is used to mommy, they don't want daddy or a babysitter! So it really needs to become a regular occurrence for someone else to relieve mom, so the baby actually accepts them.

I know it's overwhelming, but you really are doing your family a favor by not depending on relatives. In our premarriage counseling, we were encouraged to live away from relatives, at least initially, to help our family forge autonomy and learn to work things out ourselves. It was hard that first year of parenthood, but compared to others who did have parents nearby, I do feel like we benefitted in the long run. Hang in there!

 

[8462]

ok. . . Here is an example of what my day was like today. . . My husband left last night and was at work by 11. Since we live 5 mins from his job, lets say he was at work (or gone from 10:50p.m. to 7:10A.M.

My little one (5 months old) was fed and put down for the night at 10p.m. and so was my son (3yo). The baby slept til 6am and my son slept til 8am.

I went to bed at 10:30p.m. and was up with my baby at 6am. I was up with her when he came home shortly after 7. He came in and got something to eat and sat down on the couch and watched t.v. a little then immediately got on the computer.

Then My son woke up. I stole a few minutes (with the bathroom door wide open lest my son need anything) to get a shower. Then it was getting my son breakfast, getting him in the tub, Getting the little one bathed and dressed and then getting my son out of the tub and dressed. By the time I finished getting dressed and getting the kids ready it was time to head out the door to their Doctor's appointments which are 20mins from home. So I loaded both kids into the van and took them to the Dr. by myself while my DH stayed at home to "sleep" (aka playing video games). After that I had to head out and do the grocery shopping (with both kids in tow), drop off prescriptions, pick up prescriptions, (take a break to feed the little one again) and get gas. . . and so on and so forth.

Then It's come home and get the 3yo lunch and right back on the road to finish paying bills and getting errands done. (mind you with both babies in the van with me in this Georgia Heat with no air in the car. . . You can imagine two hot babies in the backseat.) . . . I didn't get done with errands til 4:30P.M. to come home to a husband who was not asleep at all but rather playing a video game. . . (imagine my fury!)

Then I am exhausted and wanting a break and the DH tells me he is going to bed so that he can get some sleep for the night!!!

And being that his income is the only one that we have right now. . . I feel ashamed to ask for any time to myself. I feel like it's not my place to tell him that I am tired.

I have gotten mad with him over it and he seems to be really good at shifting the blame to me. (and I feel stupid) because I don't know how to argue back against his seemingly right (but wrong) accusing arguments. . . I just don't know!

 

[akmom]

So he gets to sleep, play and work while you run yourself ragged juggling two kids at very demanding ages. Then he pulls the "I make money" card if you complain. I think he knows very well that it's unfair, but he's not willing to give up a routine that works great for him - especially when it means confronting an addictive behavior like videogaming.

I don't think anything will change unless you demand it. And your kids are missing out on their dad's care (and all the bonding that comes with it) when you allow him to opt out of helping.

You can be firm with him about your needs. "You played videogames from 7:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. while I juggled errands and kids, and now I'd like for you to take the kids for a few hours while I go for a jog (or whatever you'd like to do)." You do not need to feel ashamed to ask for that! You provide round-the-clock care for these kids, which would cost $1,196 per month in a daycare center. Actually that is the average cost of daycare for 2 kids under 4 years old in Georgia, and only accounts for the cost of a workday - not the time you care for them when he's home playing or sleeping. Chances are you wouldn't make that much more money by getting a job and paying for childcare with such young kids, and that does not even compare to the value of a stay-at-home mom who loves them. There is much more to the financial dynamics of young families than whose name is on the paycheck. Not to mention, one-on-one time with Dad is crucial for the kids whether Mom works or not.

Another approach is to ask him when he plans to sleep. Right after work? Okay, then you will take the kids and do your errands, so he can rest. Later in the afternoon? Okay, then let him watch the kids for you now and you'll be back later to take them so he can rest. If you just let him avoid all responsibility, then he will. That doesn't mean you need to argue about it until you "convince" him of anything, because he has his mind set on a course of action whether it's fair or not. Just make sure you understand his needs, communicate your own needs, and do what makes sense. If that means having him watch the kids or hiring a sitter, then just do it.

Videogames seem to provide instant gratification for men, but in the long run, he is not going to be happy if his kids are detached from him, his wife stressed and resentful, and he has nothing to show for all his time spent on the computer.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

I glad everything went well with your birth of your daughter. Can you take walks or garden. Does he even get a day off, so you could have an hour of me time. If pretty hard, since he works horrible hours. Can you pay some bills on line?

 

[MessianicMommy]

Ditto to AKmom. I'd have a long talk once the kids are down, and pause when they wake and take it up (if needed) after they're down again.

You do not need to be running yourself ragged. He helped make the babies, he gets to help with the care too. If that means you have to slip out for groceries, or whatever when he's home.

I understand the money being tight. I understand not having a congregational family, birth family or friends nearby. BTDT. My family's across the ocean, and his is a couple blocks away - but his mom works full time, and his dad just retired due to health issues. I can't rely on them. They have their own lives and have on more than one occasion said they do not want to end up like my MIL's parents - babysitting the grandkids at the drop of a hat and/or all the time.

So, I've watched the kids myself. And with my health issues these last 3 years, that means in our apartment... not leaving often. When we moved, I did the bulk of the moving, with the kids strapped in the car with music going as I carried and packed things in the car... I had all but the big stuff and DH's stuff moved by the time he asked for help.

At some point you have to take pride in yourself, plunk the kids down in front of him or in his lap and say "I'm taking a shower now" / "I'm taking a bath, locking the door, and unless you're dying or have a life-threatening issue, I'm unavailable" or "I'm going shopping, I'll be back when I get back".

If it is a healthy dynamic in your marriage, he will understand you have to take care of yourself.

I'm 30 and my kids have been my entire life for 4 years... I totally understand. At some point you just cannot do any more, and you do not need to have burnout or major health issues because your needs are not being met.

DH is an aspie, so a lot of my issues were me suffering in silence, even when I expressed where I needed help. It took putting the kids in front of him and leaving them there and going to bed on days I couldn't do a single thing more for him to take notice.

When he gets home at 4:30 or 5, he's on daddy duty until bedtime (730-8pm, which we do semi-together now. That's only 3-4 hours out of an entire day and night I've probably spent parenting.

I understand wanting to play video games, I do. DH is a gamer and he wanted to be a game programmer too. So, "If you want to play, play with _________." and he's started playing some of the games with the kids. Same with anime. "You want to watch _______? Watch it with the kids. If I divide my TV time, you can too."

He gets it now. There are some weekends where he's told me while I have tried desperately to rest when I was sick "I don't know how you do it wit these two. They're just go-go-go!"

 

[8462]

There are some weekends where he's told me while I have tried desperately to rest when I was sick "I don't know how you do it wit these two. They're just go-go-go!"

This is mine!!! and the baby is teething and my little boy is potty training. . . UGH!! It's been a nightmare.

I finally took you guys advice. This morning I woke him up (it's his day off) and stuck both babies in front of him. I told him that they needed to be fed and that I was leaving and I would be back when I got back. I didn't say anything else. I just left.

You should have seen the surprise on his face when I got home. He hugged me and asked me how I managed to get everything done. LOL. . . I also came home to some of the laundry being washed. It was nice.

Now if I can only get him doing the dishes. LOL!

 

[IamStefanie]

Happy to hear you took that leap of faith, 8462. May your family be strengthed, in Jesus name!

 

[akmom]

Way to go!

 

[MessianicMommy]

way to go mama! You might want to try "weekends are papa's unless they need to nurse or be medicated" It isn't that you are hands off, but that you sleep in a little and have a slower run day while he gets to play and change diapers some.
He has to build his foundational relationship with them sometime.

 

[8462]

That was short lived. . . I admit that I don't run the cleanest household in America but I don't live like "white-trash" either. I may cook dinner one night and then wait til the next day to do supper dishes or wait til a load of dishes are in the sink before I load the dishwasher and start a load of dishes.

I wash laundry and have been known to pile it on the bed in the spare room until it's all washed and then I will fold it. . .

I feel like doing nothing but crying right now. I have been so busy with running errands and all this week. . . Today I just wanted to rest. But instead. My husband comes in and tells me that he wants me to fold the laundry and I have to do it "right now." . . . This irritates me. I fussed at him and told him he was wrong for expecting me to just drop everything that I was doing at the moment and just pick up whatever it was that he was wanting me to do. . .

He proceeded to tell me how "lazy" I am and how horrible of a wife and mother I am. He told me that I "don't do anything for my family" and that I "only do what's interesting to me" . . . I went off on him and probably said a few things that I shouldn't have. . . But right now all I want to do is cry.

If it weren't for me. . . our bills would never be paid. If it weren't for me there would never be food in the house. . . if it weren't for me my babies would never have clothes. (I am the one that has to beg others for hand-me-downs for my children to wear because we don't have the finances to buy them new clothes.) I make sure that my son and daughter are bathed and so on and so forth. . . But because I left and did things for myself for two days. . . this is the hell that I have to pay for being me and having "me" time. . .

I just want to cry. . .

 

[madyjae]

Glad you were able to get some time! It took my husband years to come to that point. We were also away from family and we didn't trust anyone to watch our kiddos either. I felt like I was losing my mind! He would talk a good talk and tell me he realized all I did as a housewife, but in reality he never "did" anything to help. What changed his mind was the period in time where he was unemployed. He felt like he needed to help around the house since he couldn't work and wanted to still be useful in some ways. He realized how much work it really was when he was here doing it with me

 

[SearchingStudent]

That was short lived. . . I admit that I don't run the cleanest household in America but I don't live like "white-trash" either. I may cook dinner one night and then wait til the next day to do supper dishes or wait til a load of dishes are in the sink before I load the dishwasher and start a load of dishes.

I wash laundry and have been known to pile it on the bed in the spare room until it's all washed and then I will fold it. . .

I feel like doing nothing but crying right now. I have been so busy with running errands and all this week. . . Today I just wanted to rest. But instead. My husband comes in and tells me that he wants me to fold the laundry and I have to do it "right now." . . . This irritates me. I fussed at him and told him he was wrong for expecting me to just drop everything that I was doing at the moment and just pick up whatever it was that he was wanting me to do. . .

He proceeded to tell me how "lazy" I am and how horrible of a wife and mother I am. He told me that I "don't do anything for my family" and that I "only do what's interesting to me" . . . I went off on him and probably said a few things that I shouldn't have. . . But right now all I want to do is cry.

If it weren't for me. . . our bills would never be paid. If it weren't for me there would never be food in the house. . . if it weren't for me my babies would never have clothes. (I am the one that has to beg others for hand-me-downs for my children to wear because we don't have the finances to buy them new clothes.) I make sure that my son and daughter are bathed and so on and so forth. . . But because I left and did things for myself for two days. . . this is the hell that I have to pay for being me and having "me" time. . .

I just want to cry. . .

I can't repeat what I would have said to the husband, but that's one of many reasons my X is an X. The verbal barrage of poison that came out of his mouth was beyond my ability to take. I thought it was funny that according to him I was "fat, lazy, stupid and would never amount to anything w/o a man to take care of me" and when he decided to toss me and the kids out like yesterday's garbage, he ended up having to file bankruptsy. I went and got the education he was hell-bent on depriving me of and now make more $$ than he does!

Your husband sounds much like my X...take it for whatever it may be worth.

 

[MessianicMommy]

Sweety, ya'll need help and stat. Truth be told, he can fold just as much as you can. He has two arms and two feet and between the two he can sit and fold while you tend kids if it matters that much to him.

When DH pulled that while #2 was not even crawling, I made a list of everything I do in the house vs everything he does in the house (Sometimes 2 things, sometimes 4 in addition to the bills which are all automatically done in the bank - so technically none of us do that.) DH freaked. And for a while it was better... and he forgot again. Out came the list again. We're again at the list time. I've been sick and we both have been tending a very ill #2, and worrying over his health - someone has to pick up the slack if I have two little people wild all day long.

 

[akmom]

That sounds a lot like my second year of marriage. Boy am I glad we are past that. I still remember just how tired I was. I was nursing a newborn round the clock, and it seemed like every time I would finally start to sleep, she'd cry or his alarm would go off, or someone would call. We didn't have a dishwasher or laundry facilities, because we couldn't afford a rental unit that had them. So I washed everything by hand and put off the laundromat as long as possible, because it was easier to do all the loads at once instead of hauling clothes several times a week... and of course I never had a huge block of time in which to finish folding all the clean laundry I brought back. It piled up. So our situation was very similar to yours, and my husband's reaction was pretty much the same!

He would get upset that there were not enough dishes to prepare dinner. (One thing he has always helped with was cooking, but that doesn't include clean-up.) So I'd make a point to get the dishes done, and then he'd get angry that he couldn't find a clean shirt for work that wasn't wrinkled... after all, I had "all day" to iron a shirt! Well yes, had I known he was running low on shirts, I might have made that a priority, but it seriously didn't even cross my mind. I made sure we had dishes! Pretty much the only thing on my mind is the crying baby's immediate needs and the last thing he yelled at me about. I didn't have time to sit and contemplate the big picture and anticipate his every need. That didn't occur to him.

I found that if you try to keep up with a spouse's demands, he'll just keep demanding more and appreciating it less. You can't walk on egg shells; they will always break. Don't bother. You know what needs done in your household and at what pace you can do it, and as long as you are doing your best (which does not require burning yourself out), you can ignore the nitpicky demands and derogatory insults. If he has a real concern, he can express that to you in a sincere and calm manner.

I made an observation early in my marriage. There are couples with "relaxed" households where things pile up, and there are couples with "spotless" households where maintenance is strictly enforced. But you can't have a relaxed, spotless household unless you hire a maid. In a spotless household, everyone places their clothes in the laundry basket; every one scrapes off their dishes and puts them in the sink; every one takes off their shoes at the door, eats only at the table, and puts everything back where it goes (out of sight) when they're done. One person cannot follow around an entire household doing it for them, and expect to keep up. I've tried! I know a few women who do run strict households like this (mostly older), but their husbands do not get to sit around playing videogames and eating in front of the TV, or kicking off their socks and tossing them on the floor. It's a whole-family endeavor!

I visited my family for a week during our rough year, and came back to the worst squalor I'd seen in our home. I asked my husband, if you can't even pick up after yourself for one week, how do you expect me to pick up after the whole family while caring for a newborn? We settled into a routine over the years, after sitting down and discussing what we both envisioned for our household, and how we could achieve it. We revisited it often, dividing chores differently as needed. As a stay-at-home mom, I do take on the majority of housework. That said, my husband no longer comes home and freaks out if things are piled up. He knows to ask me the night before if he needs a certain outfit, or if he is running low on a certain garment, or if he wants to have company. If a complaint arises for the first time in a yelling match, it obviously isn't very important. People mention their real concerns when they feel their spouse will be most receptive. Hang in there and don't beat yourself up over your husband's bad moods. It really is worth making a marriage work, but that doesn't happen by giving in or giving up. Pray about it and talk about things.

 

[justD]

lol, glad to hear you stood up for your rights AND that your husband was man enough to realise he was wrong.

If he falls back into the habit of leaving it all to you, you should get him a copy of "Who says it is a woman's job to clean" by Don Aslett

As has been said, if he works 40 hours per week at his job, then once you've worked 40 hours at home you're on equal ground and he needs to pull his weight. I'm not even sure that formula is correct, but certainly household work is just as valuable and important to your family as a paid job.

 

[katautumn]

My husband comes in and tells me that he wants me to fold the laundry and I have to do it "right now." . . . This irritates me. I fussed at him and told him he was wrong for expecting me to just drop everything that I was doing at the moment and just pick up whatever it was that he was wanting me to do. . .

He proceeded to tell me how "lazy" I am and how horrible of a wife and mother I am. He told me that I "don't do anything for my family" and that I "only do what's interesting to me" . . . I went off on him and probably said a few things that I shouldn't have. . . But right now all I want to do is cry.

Okay, bear with me. I may be reading way too much into this, but I've just come out of a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. This is not okay. Earlier in the thread you said that because he works outside of the home and you don't that you don't feel you have the right to expect time to yourself or some help with the kids. I'm wondering if this pattern of him making you feel guilty about what you do around the house hasn't happened for awhile.

I am a SAHM. We lived solely on my estranged husband's income and he never hesitated to point that out to me. It got to where I tiptoed on eggshells trying to avoid his resentment that I didn't contribute to the household income. I didn't want to hear one more time that I tricked him into supporting me and my son. The words hurt, so I outdid myself trying to prove my worth and my value in the home. I was so afraid to ask him for anything. I felt guilty when my son needed clothes or textbooks for school. I was terrified to vent about my hectic day. It is never normal to be afraid of our husbands or feel guilty asking them to help us accomplish reasonable things, like having some "me" time.

 

[MessianicMommy]

^ditto.