Enough is enough!!!

[mamawolf]

praying for you

 

[MessianicMommy]

How are you doing 8462?

 

[8462]

Horrible. . . Just horrible. A couple days ago I wanted to spend some time with my friends. Since my kids (both 3 years and under) have their days and nights mixed up, my husband works night shift as well as my friends, I didn't see it wrong to head over there after the husband went to work and spend some time (albeit was the middle of the night. . . but daytime to both us and the kids) with my friends. My husband pitched an all out royal fit.

Not to mention that He is only working part time and bringing in around $550./month. Our rent is $550./month. So basically I am left trying to figure out if I am going to pay the electric, water, insurance, and cable bills or if I am going to pay rent.

I asked my husband to take a semester off from college courses to get a "real" full time job but he refused. He told me that he would not quit his job and look for another one just for me. . . that that Idea was stupid.

I am also a student. I have given up my dreams to be a mom to not just my kids but his kids as well. (don't get me wrong. There is NOTHING in this world that I wouldn't do for my babies. The way I see it. They come first.)

I asked him if he would work full time this semester and let me go to school this semester because I would be able to finish up my associates degree in December if I could.

He flat out refused!

So I applied to get a job last night online and They called me today and asked me to come in at 10:30 in the morning for an interview. (I am pretty much guaranteed a full time position at night.) So please pray that I get this job.

I know I will have to find a babysitter because my husband will not want to watch the kids. That already has become apparent to me.

Something else became apparent to me.

A few days ago I asked my husband to check the tires on my van because they seemed to be wrong to me. He refused and told me that I could stop at the gas station and check them myself. When I was over at my friends house, her boyfriend walked me out to the car, helped me get the children in and buckled, and he noticed the tires. Instead of telling me that I needed to have them checked he said "your tires look low. Let me check them for you before you get on the road. I don't want you or the babies getting hurt in an accident." and he proceeded to check the tires for me. They were indeed low and he even put air in them for me.

 

[8462]

So when I got back from my friends house, my husband and I had a big fight. I told him that I was giving him 2 months to get his act together and start caring for his family or I (along with the kids) was going to leave because I just can't take it any longer. He proceeded to inform me that "if that's how you feel then you might as well just go ahead and leave because I don't want to keep you here if you are unhappy" but he is under the impression that I will be leaving without my children.

Then he asked me if I wanted him to leave. Of course I don't but then I realized where he was going with the conversation. He informed me oh so "politely" that if I thought I could do it by myself without a job and without his income then he would just leave and see how long I would last.

Well, I am about to fix that excuse. He seemed extremely upset by the fact that I was going to a job interview in the morning. He proclaimed to me this afternoon "if you get this job then it will just make it easier for you to leave me."

I am not sure how I am supposed to take his comments and remarks. I love him with all my heart and he is a wonderful father (when he actually spends time with his children instead of sleeping or playing video games).

He on the other hand is a "crappy" husband.

 

[8462]

Ever since he found out that I have a job interview he has been trying to get on my good side. HE even volunteered to clean my son's room and do the dishes today without fussing at me about them not being done. He cooked dinner and even took the initiative to feed our 6mo little girl without me having to ask him to.

I don't know what to think. I don't know what to say. I don't even know how to react to this situation because I feel so unloved and unappreciated.

I know that I feel like if I am going to raise the kids and be a single mother all on my own anyways then why even bother with having him around? My heart tells me "you love him and you made a vow for better or for worse." but my head tells me "girl, why do you let him put you down? You deserve so much better. You would have never let anyone treat you this way. Why have you let him beat you down emotionally like this? Get out now!"

I wish I had all the answers but I know I don't. If I had the money I would demand marital counselling for the both of us. . . but with only a $550. paycheck every month and that being the only income we are getting it's hard. I don't know what to do or what to say. . .

all I know to do is pray.

 

[8462]

Don't get me wrong people, please don't misunderstand my anger and frustration for hatred. . . because it's not. I LOVE my husband with all my heart. He is the only man that I have ever been with and he will be the only man that I am ever with. He is the only man that I have ever even kissed. I just am wondering where I went wrong.

 

[hedrick]

Don't get me wrong people, please don't misunderstand my anger and frustration for hatred. . . because it's not. I LOVE my husband with all my heart. He is the only man that I have ever been with and he will be the only man that I am ever with. He is the only man that I have ever even kissed. I just am wondering where I went wrong.

I'm not sure you did go wrong. I'm not going to give you specific advice. I think that should come from someone closer who knows both people and the situation. But it may well not be your fault. It may also not be hopeless. Do you have any mature Christian that both of you would trust to talk to? Or even formal marriage counseling? This sounds to me like a situation where you both could use mediation, and your husband needs some guidance. I'm not sure it's reasonable to expect you to fix this alone.

 

[MessianicMommy]

 

[katautumn]

Don't get me wrong people, please don't misunderstand my anger and frustration for hatred. . . because it's not. I LOVE my husband with all my heart. He is the only man that I have ever been with and he will be the only man that I am ever with. He is the only man that I have ever even kissed. I just am wondering where I went wrong.

You didn't go wrong. I know from very recent, personal experience stuff like this blindsides you, but when you look back you see a pattern of little red flags that lead up to one giant "WHOA!" sign. Of course you love your husband. Mine emotionally and verbally abused me and my son, and for some strange reason I still love the man. Rather, I love the man he was during the honeymoon phase of the cycle of abuse and the man I romanticized him to be in my head. The man I thought he'd miraculously become if only he would pray, get help and wouldn't be abusive anymore.

One thing that always hurt me about my marriage was that I wanted a partnership. I wanted to feel like my husband and I were co-captains of the team and we were walking hand in hand toward the same vision. Sadly, my husband marched to the beat of his own drum and could care less what my vision was, let alone actually take it into consideration and ask me how he could help me reach my goals.

Obviously I don't know you, so I don't want to cast aspersion on your husband or marriage or make any sort of assumptions that you will find upsetting, as you're already hurt enough as it is. All I can say is that right now he is likely acting the way he is about you getting the job because he either fears losing control over you or he's insecure that you'll be "better" than him somehow. Insecure men rarely want you to succeed, but they have little ambition to succeed themselves. It becomes this perpetual cycle of never having/doing/being enough to make a way for the family. They don't want to make the effort, but they don't want you making the effort and risk you upstaging them either.

The biggest thing you need to consider right now are your children. Does he speak to you with disrespect in front of them? Does he mistreat them with his words or gestures? Children will oftentimes repeat things they learn and take things such as how they learned conflict resolution from their parents into adulthood. Oh, how I wish I had spared my son nearly eight years of seeing a man mistreat him and his mother! The thought of my son taking that example of how to treat a woman and children into his manhood keeps me up at night.

You don't have to make any tough decisions right now, but you do need to make time for some self-care. You work hard and on top of it all your husband gives you grief and verbal jabs. You cannot let yourself fall into the trap of thinking you can do something that will make him better. Only God and your husband can do that. You need to make sure you and the kids are taken care of. I'm praying for you, sister. My heart breaks for you.

 

[MessianicMommy]

^+1

 

[ByTheSpirit]

8462 - Sorry if my giving any comments here are out of place, I notice most of those commenting here are females, but I am in a situation exactly identical to yours. Only my wife is the one who is very picky about babysitters and leaving our children with others (actually for awhile she wouldn't even leave them with me!) I can sympathize with your plight and will keep you in my prayers. Don't beat yourself up over what's going on, you seem to receive enough punishment from your other daily duties that you would only be adding to the hurt. You don't need that. As stated already, God can do anything and He knows your situation and you are a precious daughter of the great, eternal King! He is with you, be strong in Him and hold on. Sometimes we go through a wilderness in life to reach the land of promise, a time of tremendous blessing and prosperity.

 

[akmom]

I don't think you went wrong either. Sometimes marriages just hit a rough patch. Did you have premarital counseling? My husband and I did, but we still hit a rough patch (pretty similar to yours, actually). Your husband, for whatever reason, wants to control you. The more you allow it, the worse it will get. (Please don't misunderstand this as an opposition to the roles of husband and wife described in Ephesians 6, which instructs a wife to be submissive; I don't think that submitting to a husband's godly leadership is the same as resigning to a husband's controlling behavior when it is senseless and ungodly, though some disagree.) Your dependence on your husband's income seems to be the one thing fueling his power play, so perhaps it's wise to seek a way around it. After all, it sounds like that really isn't a feasible option any more, given your absolute expenses and what your husband is willing to contribute. If you are able to get a job and come out ahead (after childcare and travel expenses), then that is a reasonable option to consider. You're being a Proverbs 31 woman and taking care of your family's needs. That is all it has to be right now. You do not need to make a decision about moving out or kicking your husband out. I know it's tempting to conclude how everything must play out, but sorting out current finances takes time, and getting to the root of your husband's attitude will probably take even longer. My own husband and I worked this out over many months, several years ago, and now we are very happy. I'm glad I didn't just leave him, and I'm also glad I didn't just succumb to his control. I do think you could benefit from counseling, but if you can't afford it, do you have a pastor who does it? My pastor counsels couples as part of his ministry, and sometimes both a pastor and his wife are trained in seminary to be couples counselors.

 

[Kol]

As an update, she left me and went to live with friends. Not going to respond to my wife's posts, other than to say much of it is a one-sided point of view. I wish she would work things out with me. She seems unwilling. So continue to pray heavily for us.

 

[MessianicMommy]

Sorry to hear that. I hope you guys see a good counselor - individually - and also together, and can work this out.

 

[HisW0rd]

I don't know how this feel even though since I had my son in July 2010 I only had two opportunities to go out and be by myself. You are truly blessed to have a husband so why don't he give you a day to yourself?

 

[jminnesota]

tell your husband to take a day or 2 off so that you can have time to do whatever you want with out kids. you need a break to recharge yourself

 

[TAMUmpower]

Try letting them take care of themselves a little bit. Thats why legos were invented. I remember sitting down all day building stuff as a kid.

 

[jerem]

Look for a MOPS group, even if it is just 1 time a month - u need time for yourself!

 

[8462]

For those of you who haven't caught it yet, Kol (the above poster) is my husband.

I did move out for 2 months and he and I shared the kids. They mainly lived with me seeing as he worked. I also got a job. I work night shift. He has quit his job and stays home at night with the kids. I am still expected to cook and clean when I get home but he has been doing a great deal of that work around the house. I am not sure what all he does when I am snoozing in the afternoons right before work. . . but when I wake up my babies have been fed and are in the bed usually.

I guess it just took him seeing it from my point of view to understand exactly what I was feeling and going through. . . We have also started going to marriage counseling. It's been a long time since we went and we need to go again but I just have to say that I'm thankful for having some of the advice on here that was given.

I will try to keep you all updated.

 

[akmom]

I'm glad to hear that you are working on a resolution. Are you satisfied with the new arrangement where you work and he stays home? Or do you feel like you have been pushed into it?