Ending my Worthless Life

[Crosssword]

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is impossible.

Well my heart goes out to you Singpeace. Honestly, I feel accursed. When I ask for forgiveness, with no other criteria, I feel unworthy. When I ask for it knowing full well God may put me through trials, I feel better. When I receive said trials and don't handle them as well as I should, I become hard on myself again.

When I sit and lament the tragedies in our lives and the state of the world, I feel it is Godly sorrow, but when I sink into despair I blame myself for the past and start hating myself. Then I create a thread that shows how enlightening self love can be, and how if we really loved ourselves we wouldn't desecrate our temples with sin. Really, I just wind up establishing self-hate as a deadly sin, so that I can hate myself for that too.

Sometimes I doubt he is with me, for I keep going around in circles, but then I remind myself of the things which have happened that have touched my heart. My mind is very accustomed to duality and doubt. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between the actual voice of God and of Jesus and the imagination. When it's real, it comes on it's own. When we get lost in thought, thats where imagination kicks in.

For example, In remote viewing you are given a target, then you are told to write down all the elements of that place very quickly. It takes only a few seconds for creative imagination to kick in, which is something that must be avoided. I got my very first tests right with remote viewing. I have been told my sense of intuition and psychic potential are excellent, but these things are probably ungodly. Ever since I was young what I really wanted was love and a strong family, that I would love and come to support. Right when I began to desire this was when I lost what family I did have. It felt like God answered my prayers by kicking me in the groin. I dare not be Angry with God, really I was repressing it.

As for going around in circles, it's true on every level. From my school days to now I get lost big time. I find the system of our modern society to be deeply confusing. I would have much rather lived in an older time. A small village where everyone knows each other, and all you have to do is talk to someone to get a job. As opposed to our world where when a new Walmart opens up there are some 40,000 applicants.

This brings us to my next core issue, fear of rejection. If there are many people applying for the same position I lose all confidence and know that I don't even stand a chance. Then we come to my ability to follow through with said position. I suffer from IBS, insomnia, and have difficulty maintaining any kind of schedule. To be forced into doing the same thing every day at the same time just completely kills me inside.

Nothing has been allowed to work out for me, except for sin that is. There is no shortage of opportunities to sin in my life, but let me try and do something good and it all falls apart. If the lord is punishing me for the sins of my father then I shall try to accept graciously. Maybe God just doesn't like me.

As an extrovert I am rejected and fail. If I don't feel I have a good chance of success or some kind of edge I give up. As an introvert I get caught up in my own mind, and my understanding eventually fails me. In all cases I was a class clown and wind up being foolish in everything I do. If I can't be either then what am I to be? I am trying to do what God wants me to do, but aside from not sinning I have never been able to understand WHAT he wants me to do.

 

[Aibrean]

None of us are worthy of forgiveness, yet we still are granted it.

Yea...I could get a job at Wal-Mart. However, the people are treated poorly, women are underpaid, and it's a crap wage. To get a good job it can take ages.

 

[LifebyChrist]

Deuteronomy 10:12-13 "And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD’s commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?"

This is what God wants you to do also love your neighbor as yourself.

 

[Aibrean]

Psalm 130

A song of ascents.
1 Out of the depths I cry to you, LORD;
2 Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

3 If you, LORD, kept a record of sins,
Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness,
so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

5 I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
6 I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

7 Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
8 He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

 

[papaJP]

Crosssword are you by any chance bi polar. You are either pulling our leg or you are moveing from one extreme to another. Seek God and the Savior and give yourself to Him and He will allow you to learn who you are and what you are called to do for Him.

 

[Crosssword]

Bi polar, maybe. I do experience moodshifts and manic depression runs in the family. I'm also hyperactive and probably adhd. I assure you I am pulling no one's leg. I am openly honest. Moving from one extreme to another IS something I have done a lot. It would be pointless to lie in a place where I am working out my issues anonymously.

About three weeks ago I began a process of repentance. I asked God to show me my sins and help me to remove all aspects of me that he didn't want. Well he opened my eyes to everything I couldn't face about myself, but removing those qualities is my job. I fasted, cried, and repented for two weeks straight.

Another thing about moving to extremes is that I kept making posts and right when I declared something, that's when it turned out wrong. Kinda like when you declare you won't find the needle in the haystack and then it suddenly appears.

The Saviour is slowly healing me, and helping me to address my faults, repent of them and overcome them. The events that have taken place in this forum have taught me a great deal, humbled me, and helped me to forgive. I feel like the lost sheep whose shepherd finally caught up with him. Despite all the twists and turns in my life, from the bottom of the my heart I knew I was the lords and wanted him to claim me.

For all my tragedies, lukewarmness, double-mindedness, secret seeking, I feel like a new christian, and also like the child I was before my natural father came into my life. He put me on a completely different path. Were it not for him I would have joined a church for sure.

Well, that's the past. I have surrendered completely to Jesus, and hope that his seed may yet produce in me a crop to his liking. For I have been a combination of all the seeds mentioned in his parable, the wayside, the thorns, the rocks, and now the good soil.

 

[Crosssword]

Well I just read 1 Corinthians and I can site some major places where I messed up big time:

1) I had long hair like my natural father. It seemed so cool, and didn't Jesus himself have long hair? Well I thought so, but if one of his apostles is opposing long hair then surely he did not. I did hear of it or read of it at some point, but I honestly felt that the apostle was just overstepping his bounds. I thought there was nothing inherently sinful about a man's appearance whether he decides on long hair or short.

2) I had zero sense of the order, that Christ is the head of the man, God is the head of Christ, and the man is the head of the woman. There was no concept of this at all to be found in my home, or anywhere in society for that matter. More importantly, I eventually fell into the opposite of this, for I sought love so deeply that I became desperate.

3) Thinking it not a sin, I played with myself a lot. I allowed my imagination to do anything and everything. I thought all sin was action and that our imaginations should grow in every conceivable way. That Jesus talks about severing the right hand right after his words on looking at people lustfully didn't occur to me until recently. This, along with my long hair and staying home as much as possible, lead me to feel more like a woman then a man. I either imagined myself as one or imagined myself in some sort of bondage to one.

4) There was also no sense of women being covered. No, quite the opposite in our society, we parade them naked everywhere and pornography is common place. This seems like some middle eastern degrading thing, but it was established because a woman's beauty leads men to lust after her. Since I perceived and eventually accepted that I would be alone, masturbation became my companion. Upon finally gaining opportunity for the real thing, I found myself to be unable to perform right.

5) I hated that you had to do this or do that or else go to hell. I reached a point where I felt a great deal of love to others and felt this had to be untrue. God had a great plan, which at the time I was drawn into some very convincing arguments on reincarnation. Subconciously the rest of me had been inverted so I probably felt that God should worship his bride, his creation. I expressed such love that I felt it was okay to Worship God, and everything, and everyone, with love. I knew that God came first, but I just didn't get it.

I had a dream I was in hell when I was a child, probably because I was reading about it and I was very fearful. This was after my father came back into my life so it may have been meant as a warning. I also did some sleepwalking where I took an ashtray to my father and asked "is this where it all goes?"

So yeah I have a lot to atone for. I got into this pit little by little. I do these things no longer, but going back to how I was before 13, which is when I started doing all this including the study of astrology and stuff that my father was into, won't just happen overnight. Christ is leading me back and I am so deeply for that.

I know that my sins are inexcusable, but I hope the Lord will have some compassion for the world is truly a thousand times for sinful then it was in the days of Jesus. I was cut off, subverted, and destroyed. I am deeply humbled by all of this, angered that my sense of love has been tied into knots and used against me, and I am trying so hard now to do righteous things and make righteous posts. I thought that I stood, but I didn't take head, and I fell. I always felt special, now I feel the same. I am the humble servant of the lord, and if he will yet save me I will sing his praises forever.

I just hope it isn't too late to change. If I had a full life ahead of me I would have no concerns, but with end time events coming into play, who knows. I can only site that in Revelation we are told they repented not. Does it mean that even then there is yet chance to repent? In Habakkuk God uses the spoiled to spoil the spoilers. I was gifted with such an incredibly powerful imagination that it was overwhelming. That is why I am completely giving up this gift, denying myself completely for the lord. A life of being stupid and constantly changing my mind, but in the very beginning I did sow a legitimate quest for truth, which began with God and ended with Jesus.

 

[jamiejohn]

Try not to focus on the past or your sins too much, don't beat yourself up about it, God wouldn't want that. He has forgiven your sins as far as East to West. And even if by chance you do fall again(which I hope you don't, you might makes small mistakes here and there?) He is willing to restore your right there and then, it is never ever too late. No thing can separate you from the love of God, which he gives freely and in abundance.

Maybe small steps would be best for you, don't get yourself all worked up. Rome wasn't built in a day.

 

[heymikey80]

Well, I want to see more of you here.

So I hope you minimize the value of the comments of humans who know so little about you that we only see a few words you're writing, and maximize the comments of a God Who knows so much more.

God deals with this same "jump down My throat" reaction from people, 24 hours a day. We can all breathe a sigh of relief -- God is way nicer to us than we could ever have hoped.

If others are less tolerant, well hey, God is more tolerant. And we're supposed to represent Him, not ... us.

That's the hard part. Representing Someone with character traits we don't have.

It's never too late to begin the change. But it's not likely to completely change 'til Jesus returns. After all, that's what His Return is about.

 

[papaJP]

Crosssword thanks for your frankness and I will pray for you. I have a daughter who is bi-polar and I am well aquainted with mood swings.

All life is good with God and He will help those who seek Him. I can say those who are unable because of the inability to commit like some children or people who do not have the ability to reason I believe God give more grace to and does not hold them accountable like those who do have the ability to reason.

He knows all and He takes the truth into account as He decides on who can and who cannot make the right choices.

I know He has a special grace for all children who are not able to commit to belief and they are with Him when they die.

 

[Crosssword]

Interesting. Could you elaborate more on his special grace for his children who are not able to commit to belief?

Note that I am not looking for excuses for my actions. Yes I am trying to get a complete picture of all the influences that have led me to this, but I know that ultimately I am to blame.

In Jesus parable of the pharisee and the publican, I was like the pharisee who confesses this and that, and says thank you that I wasn't this or that. The publican simply says I have sinned, I am unworthy, will you yet have mercy on me? I guess Jesus wants to keep it simple: we are undeserving sinners, yet he offers mercy, and that is that.

I'm beginning to see where complexity and simplicity meet, however the pharisee was also very selfish for he said "thank you lord that I'm not like this publican."

I guess feeling worse then others, I delighted in the ways I felt better then others, my creativity notably, and felt special. this became a source of strength, but also a blinding pride.

When I pray now, I wonder about people who are praying for even worse situations then mine. I don't see myself as so different from them anymore. Sin is sin and we all sin in our own ways. I believe that sins that merely harm the self to be less sinful then sins that harm others, but other then that sin is sin.

God, Self, and Others. What is done to three is done to one. We are either in the way of love completely or we are in the way of sin. We are not perfect, but with Grace we can be freed from the past and try our best. What's important is ones intent, and remaining focused on Christ, as good intentions pave the highway to hell. I grateful I'm not someone who was intentionally evil.

Yes, ending my worthless life, and beginning my completely spirit filled life.

 

[Aibrean]

I know He has a special grace for all children who are not able to commit to belief and they are with Him when they die.

This is not Biblical and has no Biblical support. Even saying it would apply to babies has no Biblical basis. We would hope the grace of God would extend to infants but we do not know.

 

[Crosssword]

You know, in my willingness to go beyond Christianity I was experiencing love for everyone, and in my return to it I was merely worried about my own soul. As joyful as I am about converting people, I would rather accept them for who they are. Ironically, this attitude proves Christianity more then it hinders it.

In everything, there is just male and female. Duality. Life is duality, a divine pairing on all levels. Positive and Negative loving each other. This is good, when the polarities hate one another, this is evil.

Christ, in his non-violent ways, gave us the perfect example. We will always be negative to God, for he alone is Positive. Our humility is that we learn to accept this, and God will accept us. We can be negative, but we must overcome evil. Therein lie the way of love and the secret of the universe.

Negative action: taking the pain.
Evil action: retaliation.

 

[vespasia]

Christ is not a duality; the tendency to split into two things rotating as binary poles equal and opposite to each other whilst attractive to human minds is not based in mainstream Christian theological thinking if anything it was heading into heretical at the time the letters to the early church where being written refuting this.

Do you really mean duality and binary poles or have you used the wrong labels to try and describe what you where attempting to convey?

 

[ixoye_la_ak]

Crosssword, listen.

 

[ixoye_la_ak]

Are you listening?

Good.

My Grandfather committed suicide and I suspect my father did the same. Gladly, I was older then.

My belief is you are way overexposed on this board. To your detriment.

Additionally, I believe you are suffering a life-threatening trauma.

This post is based on those two beliefs.

I have accrued 22 years of continuous sobriety through Alcoholics Anonymous. In addition to that, I have forged my way through 12 years of intense therapy. I am also in the process of emotionally rebuilding a 17 year old son from the injuries his abusive mother inflicted upon him.

You have no responsibility in your father's death.

If you have not already, you must locate professionally trained psychological support. Papaj (I'm not sure if I got his name right) is not far off, but I suspect that the years of carrying that (and I'm sure others, too) profound injury have cultivated numerous emotional and psychological difficulties for you.

Distract yourself. From yourself. Starting immediately. But you must get help so the distractions don't become a problem unto themselves.

Soothe your pain. It sounds like you're old enough to have seen the dangers of drugs, alcohol, sex or other self-medicating behaviors but for now, you must ease the pain so you can breath. Or sleep. Or cry.

The bad news is you're going to have to forgive your father. But the good news is that you're going to be able to forgive your father.

slow down. take a breath. look in your immediate vicinity for help. it is likely that it is there, waiting for you.

Peace, friend.

 

[heymikey80]

I'd tend to agree with the exposure point ixoye is making. Some things are intended to be done one-on-one with a trusted mentor like a pastor or a cell-group in communion with one another. While some of us are more inclined to commend your bravery, it's not worth the cost of your downward swings are damaging to you. We do care for you; I'm all for your finding private discussion on these issues, and I expect that when you find one that's honest and true, their affirmations will be helpful.

My experience is different, but even my slight connections with cell groups as a teen were very influential.

Nobody's perfect, though. So it's important to look for where you can help, as well as recognizing and asking at the points where you can be helped.

Peace -- and Favor. It's what most of the letters of the New Testament started with. And it's what I hope for you.

 

[laconicstudent]

@thread

wut?

 

[Crosssword]

Thank you everyone. One of the things I feel good about myself for is being respectful of others enough to have an open mind, but arguing on Jesus behalf.

I's hard not see life as a rhythm, a dream within a dream, a marriage of polarities, something which was never intended to be evil. However true this may seem it is yet of my own understanding.

Today in church the lesson was on Solomon's words to not live in the past or in the future, which is exactly what I have been doing all my life big time.

I was so far gone into feeling rejected I even began to apply to God. The word reprobate means rejected, so God turned me over to a reprobate mind so that I could finally see how horrible I had become. Hopefully that I may repent and be saved for real. http://www.learnthebible.org/a-reprobate-mind.html

But this is so unfair, because my deep feelings of rejection come from all the tragedies and my rejection from others, which I mistook as good persecution on behalf of my faith, but since I didn't committ 100% to God my faith was pointless. Have I fallen away as in Hebrews 6:6, or never really known the way and felt included in the way enough to believe? I am hoping he will yet have mercy on me.

As for going elsewhere, I would but I don't know how. I am trying. I'm here alone all the time, and my turning from the world and trying to cling to faith was literally turning from the world and doing nothing. I'm clueless. lol.

Well, I'm trying. Thank you all for being patient with me and such. There is no one at all in my life that I feel intimately close to, even my grandfather who is old, good in his ways, but doesn't remember half of what I tell him.

 

[liars_paradox]

The main issue I having with Christianity, it seems, is that I am too much of a free thinker to just follow along with the crowd. All of my free thinking has lead back to Jesus, for which I am grateful, but whether or not any of it is actually helpful is another story.

The ideal Christian is to me:

1) perfectly tranquil at all times. Not having any fear or worries
2) Perfeectly happy at all times. Being blessed with a good family situation
3) perfectly righteous at all times, denying himself and praising the lord

It just seems like my qualities of strong emotions, free thinking, imagination, and individuality do not lend themselves well to enduring persecution, being patient with others, and going with the herd.

I'm somewhat certain that someone else has already pointed this out to you (I haven't really looked at any other posts on this thread), but I really don't think that you're right about "ideal Christians" not being free thinkers and having a "go with the herd" mentality.

For one thing, look at all the prophets in the bible who went against the herd. In fact that's usually why they were persecuted and sometimes painfully killed by their own people, to be made an example of for any other "free thinkers" who disagreed with the leadership.

People who aren't free thinkers and go with the heard do so because they don't want trouble from the herd, they don't want to be made examples of that is. I don't know if there's anything that I can say to help you, but it seems that your falling out of a relationship with God seems to be due to a disconnect between what you think is written in the bible and what's actually in there.

I admit to not being an expert of the bible myself and some things written without knowing more details behind certain passages did kind of push me away from God at some times. I hope that you find the help that you need for you to develop a closer relationship with God.

One thing that does stick with me is the notion we are all here to learn lessons in life, and to grow beyond our normal abilities.

BUT, I'm not sure that it's actually written in the bible that we're here to learn any lessons. What was Judas' lesson? Or, what about the lesson for anyone else who God has determined their demise?

Take the following scripture:

The Lord works out everything for his own ends - even the wicked for a day of disaster.

Proverbs 16:4​

Sometimes God wants to test us like Job and sometimes God wants us to fall do evil deeds for the sake of everyone else.


This is an actual debate within Christian theology and is one aspect of Christian understanding that has caused for there to be so many denominations in Christianity in the first place.


I knew one guy who converted into Christianity sometime in college, and knew this sort of thing much better than me. Not only did he read the entire bible, but he studied up on all the things surrounding it (not literally all but pretty much as far as I can tell). Basically, if I remember him correctly, most Protestants don't believe in the existence of a "Free Will".

Obviously some do, but typically Christian denominations (maybe some of their members are ignorant of this?) don't support the idea of a there being a Free Will based on their own analyses of Scripture.


But, as far being a "free thinker", there's nothing un-Christian about it. You can't be another sheep in the herd and still be righteous if the herd is wicked.

Also, I want point out about never being worried or having fear. Seriously, read the bible, try reading Psalms and you'll find chapters dedicated to asking God to protect them from their enemies. The writers are usually worried about what everyone else is going to do to them and sometimes they are alone in their troubles and everyone surrounding them is their enemy.

Consider the following passage:

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent...
But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by men and despised by the people. All who see me mock me; they hurl insults, shaking their heads: "He trusts in the Lord; let the Lord rescue him. Let him deliver him, since he delights in him."...
Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and there is no one to help.​

Taken from Psalms 22:1-11