Emotions and weirdness

[CShephard53]

Before I get into this, I'm going to give fair warning that this is going to be a bit difficult and perhaps long-winded.

I'm a 19 yr old man, and I feel like I've been through the ringer. Let me explain. As a kid, I constantly got in trouble, and as a result constantly got harped on by my parents. So much so that I can't remember getting much love from them (real love). The people I called my friends weren't really friends at all. They constantly discluded me from activities, saying I couldn't play with them. When they did let me play with them, I always felt one step behind, like I was a slow thinker or something. I'm not very athletic, so I didn't really care to play many sports. To get into that would take more than I can put in this initially and it's a far cry from the full picture, so feel free to ask more questions about that.

Here's the issue:
As far as I can remember, I've had trouble feeling much besides guilt, fear, anger, and awkwardness. I can't explain it very well. It's like there's a bitterness and hatred rooted deep inside, waiting to lash out at anyone who pushes their luck by being rude or otherwise mean. I don't understand much of what most understand about emotion. Sure, I'm cheerful and such, but it's only temporary. It's like I'm emotionally dead. Like I can't feel. I can hardly ever cry unless I'm really tired and really upset, even if I want to cry. I'm already seeing a Christian counselor, but there doesn't seem to be much progress, and I'm really frustrated by it.

So... yeah. If anyone has anything, shoot. I'm at a loss.

 

[BigToe]

Is there another counselor you can see? A different one at the church or a different church or maybe even one not affiliated with a church? The only way therapy can work is if you find the right counselor. Maybe even telling the one you see now that you want to get more out of it could help you feel like you are making progress.

To me it sounds like you were put in a certain role from childhood, one you were put in without your permission really. It sounds like you were sort of forced to be the outsider or outcast. I can definitely understand feeling angry and awkward and all those other things. And sometimes when we're forced to be in a role we don't want to be in, we fail to learn how to distinguish our emotions from each other.

I struggle with identifying what emotions I am feeling too. You aren't alone in that. I don't if that comforts you or not, but others can identify with what you're going through.

I'm here to listen if you need or want to talk.

 

[Onlythingavailable]

I suffer from some sort of low self-esteem. I always feel like I have to prove myself, make constant excuses if I make a mistake etc. I often fail to see that others are as flawed as I am. Maybe you aren't a skilled athlete, maybe you are, we all have our own strengths and weaknesses. Leave the past behind you, but do try to learn from it! If you look at others, you will notice they have the same troubles you do. Showing emotion isn't a weakness.

I suggest you focus on Jesus' love for you, and then pray for those who have mistreated you in the past and forgive them. With God's strength we can overcome our past and become new creations.

 

[inHisgripkim]

. . .and I can identify with your feelings. I was a loner of sorts and battled low self-esteem for years. I felt bitter, angry, resentful, unhappy and so on.

I am wondering if you are not battling depression of sorts? I would recommend that you take the questionaire that physicians give out for depression. Ask your counselor about it? If the counselor you are seeing is not working, you may want to consider seeing one that can prescribe meds should they decide you may need it.

I've been on anti-depressants and they have done me a world of good. I felt like a new person once I started taking them. You may also want to consider doing some kind of group therapy. In many instances, the group scenario works well.

Diet and exercise is important for good mental health. I know you say you are not athletic, but don't let that stop you from working out.

You are in my prayers.
Press on and look up. Keep positive thoughts. Avoid negative self-talk. Think good things only.

God Bless you with peace of mind,
InHisgripKim

 

[loveGod4life]

i feel the same way. I cant tell you why except it is life we have to deal with it

 

[Johnnz]

You have been deeply hurt and given wrong messages about life. That is so sad. Your condition is not irreversible but you will need some skilled Christian counselling to help you undo parts of your life and then to rebuild them.

I have seen and helped many deal with a similar past to yours. That can happen.

John.
NZ

 

[LoG]

The journey is often about acceptance and loving of self. God created us perfect but through life experiences we may have taken on some negative characteristics which make it difficult to accept and love others and in turn ourselves.

We were created perfect but that doesn't mean we were all created the same. Some have athletic ability, some intellectual, while others have a very giving and generous spirit while others are teachers. We have all been created with certain talents that we need to discover within ourselves and then build on to the greater glory of God. The talents are sometimes obvious but sometimes hidden and only come to light through pain and growth.

God loves us but we need to open ourselves up to that love through a process of acknowledging, repenting and asking God to remove anger, fear, bitterness and hate from within us. As we lose those characteristics we become more able to love others and in turn ourselves. After all, at our core we are all very much alike. If I dislike something in another person, I by extension, hate that trait in myself. If I hate myself in spite of God loving me, I will never have a sense of peace and contentment.

We are not the sum of our negative characteristics. They are often self-defense mechanisms we have taken on as we grew up to protect ourselves from being hurt emotionally and spiritually. The problem is that they can become a lifelong pattern that blocks us from love and intimacy with God and people. Since we took those traits on they are not a part of us. They can be removed. Unfortunately it is often very difficult to do so unless we look to God to help us with the process.It is also much easier when we are in community with others who are on a similar path to wholeness.

Myself, I took advantage of 12 Step recovery groups like, Emotions Anonymous, ACOA, Co-Dependents Anonymous and even Celebrate Recovery (a 12 Step Christian Recovery program) to find that community.

Good luck and God bless you in your search.

 

[sinneD]

I was going to post some wise council for you, but after reading these other posts, I don't think I could add to anything that has already been said. There is some good advice here. I guess the only thing I will add is that you can PM or email me if you just need someone to talk to or vent.

 

[CShephard53]

Thank you all for your replies. I know there is hope, but it seems sometimes that it's so deep-rooted that anything that would get to the roots makes me defensive. I'm not depressed, but at the same time I'm not happy. I can't really explain it. I know what's wrong. I even know ways it can be fixed- through healing and stuff. But that doesn't make it happen. I'm very aware of things. It may take me a couple minutes to catch on to something, but I understand what is going on, even if it's a counselor asking me questions. I know why they are asking the questions, and I know what they'll try to do next. Rarely in counseling do I not know what they're going to say next. And the thing that really stinks about my current counselor is that I have to stick with her for right now. Would it be safe to conclude that the only progress I'm going to make right now is through having real friends that trust me and care- friends that do the opposite of what happened when I was a kid? I just don't know anymore. But if there's anything that makes me stop and think about who my friends are, it's the people who take time to listen to me. It's the people who care. The people who trust me. The people who may not tell me they love me, but never fail to show it every single time they see me. So is that my only resource for healing and change? I don't know. But I do know I'm really tired and need sleep.

 

[giftofmusic]

hope your doing ok....praying for you

 

[Johnnz]

There can be real healing with friends, and with more mature marrieds who an show you some things about family life and relationships that are missing in your life.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[CShephard53]

Thanks for the comments by the way, and the encouragement. It's not like I'm ignoring it. Just trying to reflect.

 

[Daughter of His]

Wow, you just seem like you are so ready to leave this all in the past and move on. Our God is able and you sound like you would be an awesome person to know. I'll be praying for you!