Emotional reset button, please!

[KeilCoppes]

We all have internal pendulums of thoughts and hopes that swing back and forth. For some of us that pendulum swings with singlehood possibilities - some days we do really well and the world shines and we are properly relying on God, other days... well let's just say other days are more difficult. Those days you see someone and your eyes snap shut from simply knowing that it can never happen and that you shouldn't be thinking in that direction and need to think about anything else. Over time you can get more sensitized to that which previously had no effect and it gets more immediately painful. And then you step back, get some perspective again, realize you were thinking wrongly and go on.

All I can say is, where is the reset button?! And can I arrange for it to be welded closed? Life would be so much easier.... Lord, more perspective, please, and maybe a working resolution?

 

[kelco]

One big red button for Keil. When you find out how it works let me know OK?

http://images.google.com/imgres?img...ages?q=big+red+button&hl=en&lr=&safe=off&sa=N

 

[caitlincares]

I hear you, Keil.

Most of the time I have my guard up so I do not have the possibilty of getting hurt.

Then there are times someone gets thru that very high wall...

Then I started having feelings
Then I start thinking - Well maybe
Then I think - I am sure they don't feel the same way

It is easier to just stay friends for fear of being rejected.

 

[KeilCoppes]

Thanks, kelco - It didn't work, but now I have a fingerprint on my screen!

Actually, Caitlin, it's recently gone beyond that, sometimes seeing folks walking by of the female persuasion and feeling the painful echoes of company. Of course it's only when I'm tired in the evenings, or had a long day at work, but it would be a lot easier if all women in the world looked like mailboxes....

Of course, these are not all the time, and I'm not a drooling mess of course, but it would be significantly easier if I weren't human (come to think of it, I've been too human for decades!). It is indeed more difficult if you've recently spent dinner with someone who gave hope. But I suppose that's just God's way of asking how much you trust.

All I can say is - it can be uncomfortable. And it's too bad, because I pretty much had it licked when I left on vacation. For me, though, there's no way I can shut people out - sharing is so much of what I am, so building walls isn't an option - I've done it before and it doesn't work. I'm glad I've experienced that good, balanced, and positive mindset, though - even now the memory brings the starts of a smile and relief.

 

[kelco]

I'm like Caitlin. If I don't let them in then I don't have to face the rejection. I broke my own rule though a few months ago and it still smarts and now I wish that I had listened to what I was trying so desperatly to tell me. "Leave it alone and you won't get hurt." But then I have never been a really good listener.

 

[KeilCoppes]

With regard to walls, Caitlin, my version from 10 years ago for those who've been there... things have been much better in perspective for the last several years, but the heart remembers and the mind knows it can never go back to living there.


COPING & CONFLICT

I had shut off
Within my soul
All hope of ever being
Other than alone,
I shut it in
With bands of harsh control
And sealed it with my tears
Lest there be some
One to stab my heart again.
The years passed by
And I
From time to time saw hope escape
To prick my soul to pain.
My little hopes died gruesome deaths
And I gave up again.

The hope was silent for so long
I thought that it had gone
To leave me with some peace
Inside its prison's walls

But I was wrong,
As slightest outer hope soon showed
That captive hope had grown
To burst out from its dungeon's halls triumphant.

Its current rampage is forestalled
For small dismays have scared it back
Into the dreary cold
And there it silent cries.
It knows not why
My ravaged soul still fears
Its failed attack
Or why no girlish hope has ears
To hear its hopeful song.

My daily heart still knows
If girlish hope should ever call
It would with prisoned hope be bold,
But oh, the risk
If it should fall
To break on lonely rocks below,
And so my knowing mind
Will do its best to slow
And temper hope's new blind
And maybe foolish rush
With caution, slowly growing wisdom
And knowledge that true love
If God ordains that it arrive
Will stand the test of time.

3/11/1993

 

[throwingbones]

I'm sorry, but maybe I'm getting the wrong jist from this message. Why would you want to walk through life desensitized? Why would you want to block out feelings? Why do you want to keep people at a safe distance? Yes, you do risk getting hurt; and boy does it hurt sometimes! But you aren't living if you aren't feeling. "Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." Anyways, just my 2 cents.

 

[Living4Him03]

I hear ya...recently I've gotten back in contact with this guy who is not only a very Godly man, a man after God's own heart, but he's also very attractive. It's hard not to have feelings for him. I've placed our friendship above any feelings I have, but it's still hard not to get giddy after talking to him. It helps when I just stop and talk to God about it and tell Him what's going on and ask Him to help me bring my focus back onto Him and to serve Him. Class gets so boring though sometimes and I tend to daydream a lot...but I have noticed that when I stop and pray when I realize what I'm starting to daydream about it's a lot easier, although not easy of course.

 

[caitlincares]

Thanks for sharing another of your poems, Keil.

We need to remember in order to find true love we do need to risk our heart.

 

[Living4Him03]

good poetry by the way Keil

 

[KeilCoppes]

I'm sorry, but maybe I'm getting the wrong jist from this message. Why would you want to walk through life desensitized? Why would you want to block out feelings?

TB, actually it's just a relapse to a place I've been before. Sometimes one can be a bit oversensitized, though, and that can be not only inconvenient, but painful as well if you're having a day when your system is a bit overworked. I am the world's greatest pursuer of true feelings. I also know that I have often in life deceived myself as to things that were not reciprocated. For someone whose preferred method of living has no barriers, that's very painful. And so I work to grow in wisdom.

Actually, after a good meal, a hot bath, and some sunshine, one tends to feel better and the perspective follows. Of course none of this holds a candle to the company of a good friend and encouragement in the faith. :^)

 

[KeilCoppes]

Thanks for sharing another of your poems, Keil.

We need to remember in order to find true love we do need to risk our heart.

Thanks Cathy, L4H. Sometimes words need to be... enhanced, to express things. And if you do not risk all, what true togetherness can you gain?

 

[kelco]

Very touching poem Keil.

 

[Nico]

if i'm understanding the emotions described in the op, they're pangs of loneliness and want for someone in your life? no? i wouldn't beat yourself up about those feelings. perhaps i don't know exactly what it is you want in life, but if you don't have someone in your life, and would like to find a mate, then i think loneliness can be an appropriate and normal reaction to seeing someone who strikes a chord in you (for whatever reason). am i wrong? it seems rather human and necessary, in fact. i wouldn't shut out painful feelings simply b/c they are painful, or whatnot. i rather think they're important within the balance of life and to improve one's wisdom. i don't know, i think i'm babbling about something non-related. i guess, b/c, i feel lonely a lot, too. i do want to find someone amazing. and i'm not going to surpress that feeling. but i'm not going to go out and try and snag the next male i see no matter who he is. the loneliness stems from wanting the right person, not just anyone. i know if i were with "just anyone" i'd pretty much be miserable. oh it's all just so odd....life is just a weird thing

 

[KeilCoppes]

i rather think they're important within the balance of life and to improve one's wisdom. i don't know, i think i'm babbling about something non-related. i guess, b/c, i feel lonely a lot, too. i do want to find someone amazing. and i'm not going to surpress that feeling..... the loneliness stems from wanting the right person, not just anyone..... oh it's all just so odd....life is just a weird thing

"i rather think they're important within the balance of life and to improve one's wisdom."

You know, that's the most encouraging thing I've heard in quite a while - Your phrase is very rare and precious. How many people in the world seek and value wisdom?

No babbling at all - I would never want to suppress the search for someone amazing, though the amazing is so often hidden within the ordinary. My loneliness and difficulty comes from there being so few who echo the desire for wisdom and understanding. The pain has come from that as well. There is so much fools gold.... and then seeing gold that is out of reach... A lot of challenge comes from my own sometimes foolishness. I am glad that God actually does press reset from time to time.

 

[wvmtnkid]

I think it goes beyond lonliness and venturing into the area of knowing you are thinking about a life that will not be yours. I stuggle with this when I spend time with some friends of mine. I dated the fellow before he married the woman he ended up marrying. I know, sounds like a nightmare doesn't it? There are times when everything is fine. I am really, really good friends with the wife and was long before the fellow came into the picture. But we will be talking and I realize just how much in common I have with the fellow. And I realize that the life she is leading could have been mine. And all the what if's start running through my head. And then the why's start. And I have to bring myself back from a path I don't need to be going down because all it does is dredge up old heartache that is better off forgotten.

Love the button, Kelco! Wish it worked in real life. All you computer whizzes should surely be able to fix it up, right?

 

[KeilCoppes]

Nico, to clarify the better thought than where I was at the beginning of the thread, this is from last Monday...


What is it?
Where is that eye of knowing true?
Of knowing, feeling,
Of seeing through and through,
Of butterfly wings, of sunshine glowing,
Warming, growing in my walk and what I do?
No answers I can find within myself
Of now-seen circumstance,
Yet does that 'tile me to look
Askance at what God's giv'n?
Most cert'ly not, the thoughts declare,
For what you have
Has come from His own hand, and
By what right would you demand
That He still give you more?
No right, no score,
No store of works to buy Him off,
And then stand scoffing
When He does not as I will.
"Be still
And know that I am God."

20041004


In the end my wanting is to live wisely, but there are difficult challenges on the way. Wisdom is what either removes the difficulty of those challenges, makes them blessings, or simply makes it easier to live with them.

 

[KeilCoppes]

I think it goes beyond lonliness and venturing into the area of knowing you are thinking about a life that will not be yours.

That has a lot of the heart of it. And yet I do not know that it will not be mine - it's in God's hands, not my own. When I suddenly feel that twinge, though, I think of myself - fool, fool... And then a while later, I step back into a better perspective, let the pain go, and go back to trusting, though it returns from time to time. It would be great to set the good emotions and perspective into concrete.

There are still the echoes at times. But happily there are also times when the old wounds are no longer visible and the world is one of sunshine. I just scrolled up pressed the friendly red button again. :^)

 

[Nico]

well, the search for wisdom is something to which i relate. i used to get so frustrated b/c my life was this sisyphean cycle--i felt as though i made the same mistakes over and over. now, i try extra hard at reflecting and trying to make changes so that the same old doesn't continue to plague me (it still does, though), but as i still make so many mistakes, i've learned to laugh at myself while still struggling to better myself. and (at least i'm hoping) that as through these mistakes in life and love, i am steps closer to being a wiser, gentler, more excellent me and closer to finding the man/relationship that is more and more, if i may use the word, perfect for me. yeah, keep working on growing more wise. and perhaps its a blessing that to find that quality in another is so hard, seemingly covered by so many other distractions. but i know that there are others out there (if i'm one, there's got to be more). when you find her, i suppose you'll know....perhaps?

hey wv; i have been so often the one who dated a guy only to have him leave me for another and get married to her. and the bets were so close between the other girl and me; but she always gets chosen. hm. i'm just hoping that i continue to learn and end up being some ultimate, amazing woman and that i will find someone better for me than the last. in fact, each guy that i seriously date is better (for me than the last). just a little weird when one moment its almost you, and then it's so not.

i feel as though i fall down so often. mostly i'm the cause of it all. but looking back on it all, as long as i turn it around and use it properly; finding the wisdom and grace in the seemingly wisdom-less and graceless, i think it's all worth it.

 

[KeilCoppes]

finding the wisdom and grace in the seemingly wisdom-less and graceless...

Kudos on another phrase!