Emotional Affair

[lancers]

Hi,

This is my second screen name (I’m on these boards as another name, as well) I wanted to be completely anonymous for this question.

I went to a class reunion a couple of years ago and was reacquainted with several old friends. One of them was a girl that I liked in school, but we never went out. Anyway, we have been e-mailing since then (I have also e-mail other old friends).

Here’s the problem. Even though we are both married to other people, I can’t get her off my mind. I don’t think she is aware of this, and our e-mails are real casual (how was your kid’s soccer game?, etc.). I’m having an emotional affair all inside my head!

Has anyone ever gone through this? How do I get over it?

 

[HelenM]

I suggest

1) Stop e-mailing her.

I think this verse applies to relationships:

Mark 9:43 If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out.

I.e. don't encourage a relationship that is causing you to sin.

2) Work on your own marriage. All the time you're thinking about her you're not thinking about your wife. Be intentional about making time to spend with your wife, to be together, talk, etc.

Please be careful because this quite possibly will mess up your marriage - is it worth it???

Helen

 

[IndianaEnoch]

About temptation, 1 Corthians 10:13 says "...such is common to man..." Many men and women have this problem. I have it myself, and had to stop emailing and chatting. I still have some contact with one person, but very limited to keep it from growing. There is a part that is a frienship which we enjoy and cherish, but the naturial progression is to be more. I would also say your friend is feeling the same way you feel. I think its even more tempting for women. It gives them the attention they desire and deserve, but often do not get. We have to call it what it is. Its not an emotional affair, its sin, or at least the begining of it. And the nature of sin is that it is a lie. What you think you would have is not what it would be at all. James 1:14-15 says sin starts in our thoughts and ends with death. It would be the death of the friendship and your marriage. To many lifes have been ruined this way.

 

[Kelly]

Even if innocent, your emails are feeding a need that could lead to trouble. Think of it this way...if it's truely innocent, cc your wife on them.

If you feel that you couldn't/shouldn't then it's heading in the wrong direction. Everyone has thoughts of the past and things that could have been - you can't help that. Remember that one tends to look at the past through rose colored glasses...

 

[DaveKerwin]

emotional affairs are VERY dangerous. you will end up divorced real soon if you keep this up, I am serious. you need to meet your emotional needs with your wife. if I was you, I would tell this other woman why you can no longer be friends with her, and pray she understands. then confess to your wife that you feel emotionally disconnected with her, and explain what has happened. I would cut this other woman of IMMEDIATELY, because you are swimming with sharks right now bro, cut it off now, trust me. Cut contact now and reconnect with your wife.

 

[ElElohe]

A good new, practical, book series called EVERY MAN'S BATTLE . . . sorry don't have more info on it presently

Hi,

This is my second screen name (I’m on these boards as another name, as well) I wanted to be completely anonymous for this question.

I went to a class reunion a couple of years ago and was reacquainted with several old friends. One of them was a girl that I liked in school, but we never went out. Anyway, we have been e-mailing since then (I have also e-mail other old friends).

Here’s the problem. Even though we are both married to other people, I can’t get her off my mind. I don’t think she is aware of this, and our e-mails are real casual (how was your kid’s soccer game?, etc.). I’m having an emotional affair all inside my head!

Has anyone ever gone through this? How do I get over it?

 

[49erfan]

You yourself said that it is all in your head.

Think about it.

If she didn't go out with you in high school when you were both single; why would she want to go out with you now when you are both married?

 

[stephen1964]

lancers,

I can completely understand your problem here. I had a similar experience recently and followed the advice given in this thread: cut off all communication! Your obession with this woman probably is fed from fond memories of past times; but you have your own wife now so it's time to let go of past relationships.

 

[DustedOffMouse]

Dangerous ground, that.

My mom went through the same thing from when I was 13 to when I was 18- over a guy she works with. And it too, was one-sided.


And here's the thing- she told my dad how she felt about everything. And she had no friends to talk to and so she told me everything too.

BIG MISTAKE.

It was very detrimental to us as a family. I was already dealing with depression and suicide and that all made it many times worse. And my dad was depressed and suicidal.. and she went to a counselor once (and the person wasnt a good fit) and that was that.

We just had to suffer through it.


Some suggestions?

PRAY.

Stop emailing her. It may be one sided, but its still affecting you and indirectly your marriage. Continuing it - even though it seems just harmless on the surface - will indulge your little in-your-head thing, involve this other woman in something she has no idea she is being dragged into (and consequently people will hate her.. your wife.. children.. because of YOU when she has done nothing wrong and its all your fault for allowing yourself to continue this)

Don't lie to your wife. Don't necessarily offer info, but if she asks, be honest.

If you have kids, DONT let them know what is going on, no matter what.

FIND A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR. At least go by yourself. And if your wife knows, you need to go together. At some point in the counselling, you should go together anyway.



You need to nip this NOW. Letting it go will just cause more pain and hurt down the road. Instead of investing thought and emotion in the people who deserve it (your family) you are thinking of her. And even though you are not having sex or anything, sometimes emotional investments are stronger than physical ones. And that means more detrimental, too.


But stop ALL contact with her- explain it how you like to her but her being hurt about it doesn't matter when your family is hanging in the balance. Find a counselor NOW and go, either alone or with your wife, but GO. And DONT tell your children about this.


I don't have time now to go into more detail, but if you want to know exactly how my mother's doing this affected my family - for ten years now and still affects it - I will be happy to tell you.

But let me just make it clear, you are on dangerous ground. And I see that you say you want to get over it, but I hope you are sincere in that desire and not just trying to put up a good front. Because if you are not sincere about it, it will end up compounding the pain that will result. I pray that you are sincere and that you will honestly seek counselling and do all you can to stop this. For you and even more so for your family.

But if you are sincere, which I hope you are, find a counselor today. The longer you put it off, the longer it goes and the worse it gets. And if the counsellor you find isnt right, try another one and another one and another one. Until you find one that works for you. Your family needs to come above and inconvenience this process may be to you. You started this in your head and its up to you to finish it.

 

[GREG]

Be Friends And Be Friends Only

 

[YaeSu]

I think the only way this would happen is if you didn't marry your soul-mate. But at the sametime she would have to feel the same way. If its just you "wanting" her, then its just lust and depending on your age it could be mid-life.

Alot of factors, best thing to do is to sit down and do alot of thinking. Clear thinking. If after that you still have her on your mind. I would tell her, and say that you have to stop because of it.

This also could be, if she does not feel the same that is, it could be you trying to fill a void you never filled earlier in life somewhere. If all else fails go see a theripist, someone netural you can talk to. You can't talk to your wife, she will just get upset.

 

[sad astronaut]

I know of two couples at my church that were involved in an emotional affair. the lady was the college sunday school director, the guy was the associate pastor. they become emotional involved, never physical (even though it could have happened eventually). the wife of the guy found out, and both couples went to the pastor. since the couples were involved in the church, they both talked during the service about what they did. both marriages are being saved, but they had to deal with the consequences. we lost a great college sunday school director and an associate pastor (they both stepped down), and I'm sure it wreaked havoc on both families.

 

[DustedOffMouse]

Be Friends And Be Friends Only

NO. Let me reiterate. NO.



This is BAD advice.

You are already 'friends' with this woman and having these feelings.

Continuing your friendship with her will allow these thoughts to continue.


You have to make a decision.


Her or your family.


You can't have both unless you want everyone involved to hate you and leave you. Because if you try to have both, that's what will eventually happen. I am sorry to sound so harsh, but I have been there. And I know what this can do to a family and the feelings it can cause. It took me a long time to stop hating my mother because of what she did- and she was doing the same thing you are. Just talking, but having 'feelings'. It took me a long time to decide that she is allowed at my wedding this fall. We were even going to go to a jop the day before just so she wouldnt be at the real wedding. What she did has affected how I see the world, how I trust (or rather dont trust) people and how I feel about life in general. Not only was it devestating to our family relationship, it was devestating to me as her child. And it will ALWAYS be with me. That will never change. And even though she finally asked forgiveness from me a month or so ago, and even though I do love her and have forgiven her, that doesn't change the effect it has had on me. I know longer resent her, but will live with that pain everyday for the rest of my life. Do you want to cause that kind of turmoil in the lives of your children? I thought about killing myself everyday for three years because of what she was doing. I tried multiple times. I was hospitalized twice. And the foundations of it all revolved around her and her refusal to care enough about me and my dad to stop 'being friends' with this guy. When she finally came to her senses, A LOT of damage had already been done.

Do you want to do that to those you love? Take Greg's advice and that's what will happen.

I apologize that I have no sympathy for you and tons of empathy for your family. But you're getting the results of this sort of thing from the horses mouth, so to speak. What you do with this truth is up to you.


Let me say it again- do NOT listen to Greg.

His advice is the worst you could get short of him telling you to leave your wife for her.

While I have no sympathy for you, like I said, I will be praying for you. No sympathy doesn't mean I don't care- I do. It just means that I don't think what you are doing is right and that you need to make some changes. NOW.

 

[IslandBreeze]

I want to add another side to this. An ex-boyfriend and I got in touch over the holidays. We now email each other a few times a month to keep in touch. We are both married, and his wife and my husband know about our friendship. We do not talk inappropriately, or do we talk about the past and/or 'what might have been,' and the only feelings we have towards each other are completely platonic.

HOWEVER, if you can't get over the past and continue to have thoughts towards this woman, I don't believe a friendship can work out, and you need to end communication with her at once.

 

[Evee]

Affairs of the mind are the most painful.
DustoffMouse has great advice but will it be taken?

 

[DustedOffMouse]

Cammie is right that two people can keep in touch as friends....

But only if that reconnection starts and stays friends.



Lancers, you have already gone past this point. So its no longer an option for you. It might have been at one point, but no more. And its unfortunate but its the way it is. You've come to the point of a decision. Her or your wife and family.



Still praying...... and will continue to....

 

[DustedOffMouse]

See my reply(ies) on the Couples Ministry Thread :o)

 

[DMX]

You got to the point you are because you allowed your mind to develop a situation that could become a monster. God did not intend for our emotions to be our master, but rather a slave to our will and intellect. In the situation you describe, your emotions are ruling. Your intellect will tell you that this is wrong - you are both married to other people being one reason - and now you bring your will into the picture to correct the wrong. So without getting to spiritual, tell your emotions (your flesh) to take a seat, bring it under subjection and every thought captive, and channel your energies towards your own marriage/relationship.

Now unlike most people, I am not advocating severing connections in this particular case. The woman has done nothing wrong, the problem is you. Even if you stop communicating with her, someone else may take her place at some point. The challenge is to not simply trim the branches off the tree, but to get to the root. I submit that root is your thoughts and the lack of control over them and your emotions. Remember you emotions are not your master. God intended for it to be your slave.

 

[Durango]

Lancers,

Short and sweet answer here, end the relationship and communication immediately, as it is, it will already be difficult enough to get her out of your head. To prolong the relatioinship will only make matters worse and begin to affect other areas of your life such as your marriage.

Durango

 

[SonWorshipper]

I have merged the two threads on this same topic together in this one forum. I feel both views ( male and female ) are warrented here, and posting same in two forums is spamming.

For my 2cents, stop the emailing and question yourself why? Bring this before the L-rd, to help you with this, as you can't do it yourself.