Emotional Affair and Heartbreak

[KLadySaved]

Hi. I have been married for 10 years, and have an addiction to the rush feeling you get when you're attracted to someone/vice versa. I've had some emotional affairs. I've also been to recovery groups, and recently have started to reach out to ladies I trust. Last year, my husband and I had joined a small group. There is a married man, that would look at me sometimes with attraction; though for the most part seemed to reel it in. Recently, he was giving into it, and would lust after me. I really tried to pray/rebuke the enemy, and do what I could to not let him know that I was having the same struggle. There was a time recently, where he gave me a ride when I messaged our group asking if someone could help me get a courtesy vehicle while ours was being worked on. I tried to tell him that I felt like God wanted me to mention that it's a sin to lust after someone when you're married/their married. He played it off, like he just happened to see the text for giving me a ride. The last time I had been around him, I'd felt awkward about his lust. But during the ride, I felt comfortable; but too comfortable. I was feeling flirty. I tried to repent. I saw him at church yesterday, and though I had much less constraint on my feelings; he didn't look at me. I felt that he was different, and after fighting tears I started to bawl my eyes out during a lot of the service. I felt such a heartbreak and loss, and embarrassment from it all. Remorse for having it be such an idol above God. Last night the Lord revealed that he used me. He's a womanizer that will flirt with a lady until she flirts back, then he backs off. I've been feeling such heartbreak, and in a fog a bit. Apparently I'd given him too much of my heart. I try to remind myself that this hurts a million times less than if I lost my husband. I did not know this would be so devastating. God wants me to go with my husband to small group on Wednesday (we're changing groups in January anyway). This isn't meant to get sympathy for the pain I feel, but to address it. Please pray for me. Also, does anyone else here have this issue? Thanks.

 

[Endeavourer]

Hi Sister K,

You definitely must not go to any small group with this man, or go to any places where you see him. i'm sure you realize by now it was unwise to accept his ride. Addictions are strong, strange things and as repentant and remorseful as you are, it is too dangerous to put yourself in these shoes. Very few people who have affairs were actually planning on having them - they just got caught up in a growing addiction to the "rush" you described.

Have you disclosed this struggle to your husband? Specifically, have you exposed your attraction to this man? It's crucial that he know the truth about his life because you having an affair would be one of the most painful things that could happen to him. It's very important that he be brought into the struggle now, before one erupts, so that he can help you take action to avoid this catastrophe looming over both of you.

It seems that overall you lack good boundaries with the opposite sex. Someone with your struggle in particular must never be in the company of someone of the opposite sex alone because as soon as they start meeting your emotional needs you have been allowing them to make deposits in your love bank. This is very dangerous to married women.

From what you have written, your love bank is being kept open for other men. This is entirely not fair to your husband and very dangerous for the both of you.

By the way, an emotional affair is nearly as painful to the other spouse as a physical one - and sometimes at least equally as painful. Emotional affairs are also a very small inch away from a physical affair. You must protect your marriage from ever having one of those again. I'm so glad you reached out for help.

By your definition, you are a serial seeker of emotional affairs, so you need to take even more precautions than the average person does with boundaries around the opposite sex.

Please read this very informational and illuminating article and reply with your thoughts:
The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage : Marriage...

 

[turkle]

It sounds like you have managed to mostly control your behavior, but I think that the only way to address this addiction is to look at its source.

Why do people want this rush? It's a need for approval and validation of attractiveness and worthiness. It sounds like the man in question has the same problem. The need for attention feeds the ego, and the more you get it, the more you want it. It is entirely self-centered as well as self-destructive.

I think that you need to look deep within yourself and understand why you have such a need for attention. There is probably an empty part of you that is looking for filling by the attention of men. If you find this place then you can take it to the Lord for healing. If you can't find it, ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and discernment so that you can deal with it and cut it loose.

Pray for your marriage and for God to help you to find full satisfaction with your husband, growing in love day by day. Through prayer, you can let go of your emotional neediness and be fulfilled in your marriage and your relationship with God.

 

[JohnDB]

I'm confused...

Sex isn't love and love doesn't always end up in sex...that's Christian Life 101a.

Look, my best friend's wife is a very attractive creature and a very pleasant person to talk with. I love her to pieces.

But that doesn't mean that I envision some kind of toudry affair with her. She is a friend. She is my friend's wife...she and my friend are married and living a happy full life with each other and their boys. I get visitation privileges as they grow up.

Besides all of this...
I really love and appreciate my wife. She is my best friend and confidant. She is my noble protector from overly friendly women.
I grab her when someone gets overly friendly for protection. Because I dearly love my wife several ladies in our small group Bible study are rather jealous. But they don't have what I want... only my wife does. They love the idea of love like we have but don't own the skills to make it happen.

Why this is even an issue for you is outside of my understanding.

What price are you willing to pay to not have this ever be an issue?

 

[KLadySaved]

Thank you, yes this makes total sense. Also, the first person is right that we need boundaries. I normally don't hang out with males, and try my best to avoid them. This was definitely an exception with the ride, that my husband encouraged for the situation of needing a ride. He's been sick/having to be home recently (though he's the one that works right now). I'm a stay at home mom at the moment, so it can makes that a bit easier for avoiding males. The enemy started to use the closest people he could. But I've definitely realized the source for my issues. It stemmed from self esteem issues, and daddy issues. For me, it's the literal feeling of a drug. I do believe the Holy Spirit has been working on me/things, because The recent times I've had these issues, I've also felt more miserable while/about having them; when I used to enjoy it more. I've been in groups and trying to work on moving past the past. There are ways that my self worth has improved, but it's a process.

 

[KLadySaved]

It's tough for the average person to understand the issues of an addict.

 

[turkle]

I'm confused...

Sex isn't love and love doesn't always end up in sex...that's Christian Life 101a.

Look, my best friend's wife is a very attractive creature and a very pleasant person to talk with. I love her to pieces.

But that doesn't mean that I envision some kind of toudry affair with her. She is a friend. She is my friend's wife...she and my friend are married and living a happy full life with each other and their boys. I get visitation privileges as they grow up.

Besides all of this...
I really love and appreciate my wife. She is my best friend and confidant. She is my noble protector from overly friendly women.
I grab her when someone gets overly friendly for protection. Because I dearly love my wife several ladies in our small group Bible study are rather jealous. But they don't have what I want... only my wife does. They love the idea of love like we have but don't own the skills to make it happen.

Why this is even an issue for you is outside of my understanding.

What price are you willing to pay to not have this ever be an issue?

This completely misses the point.

The OP is not talking about sex. It is also not about your superiority as a spouse. It is about her issues with low self esteem and a need for validation and attention. I'm having difficulty understanding why you would post this as a response.

 

[JohnDB]

This completely misses the point.

The OP is not talking about sex. It is also not about your superiority as a spouse. It is about her issues with low self esteem and a need for validation and attention. I'm having difficulty understanding why you would post this as a response.

Because you obviously didn't read what I wrote...
I wrote my understanding of what a normal relationship looks like. The OP is so far out from that it's a wonder why she is in a relationship to begin with or how her husband would put up with her.

She goes to church but missed out on the very most basic of lessons that should be taught. (Has been in every church I've been to and I've visited most denominations at some point coast to coast and in other countries)

 

[KLadySaved]

Ok, so he's obviously being a troll; and not productive in any way. I pressed ignore on him. If anyone else is equally as negative/completely unhelpful, I'll do the same. This is a place to lift others up, not the opposite. ::rolls eyes::

 

[JohnDB]

Ok, so he's obviously being a troll; and not productive in any way. I pressed ignore on him. If anyone else is equally as negative/completely unhelpful, I'll do the same. This is a place to lift others up, not the opposite. ::rolls eyes::

I'm not a troll...look at how long I've been a member here.

But when Christians forget the most basic of lessons of love...that it's not all about you and your "feelings" I'm going to be rather unpopular.
We have roles and jobs and tasks to perform. Running and hiding away isn't the role. A complete change of heart is. A new goal in life is...

Coddling and pampering a wolf in sheep's clothing is never a good idea.

 

[Endeavourer]

It's tough for the average person to understand the issues of an addict.

Dear Sister K,

You are correctly identifying that an affair is an addiction. It's an addiction SO powerful that those who engage in them are willing to do so at the cost of their children's stability, their marriage and at least half of their worldly goods.

Essentially, an affair is a long, slow process of achieving a sexual climax. As most of us on this board know, once you are at a certain point your brain recedes and your drive takes over. It's the same with an affair. The hold the addiction has on you slowly grows to the point that your brain recedes and the powerful drive of satisfying the addiction takes over.

Playing around with attraction to the opposite sex in marriage is playing with a nuclear bomb hanging over your family and children. At a certain point you won't care. It's that powerful.

What did you think of the article I linked for you?

 

[Endeavourer]

But I've definitely realized the source for my issues. It stemmed from self esteem issues, and daddy issues.

I've been in groups and trying to work on moving past the past. There are ways that my self worth has improved, but it's a process.

Sister K, some good news for you is that if you change your behavior in the present you won't have to worry about these issues of the past because they will be forgotten.

If I were you, I'd stop spending my money on any groups and stop spending any energy thinking about those issues from the past. Instead, it's time you lived in your present and faced your future.

Please tell your husband what you've told us about this man and, with his help, you will break this cycle, leave it in the past and move on to a future where such cycles of feeling shameful about emotional affairs and heartbroken when you put a stop to them will end. This cycle is not good for you and, as I mentioned in the prior post, it's a nuclear bomb hanging over your family.

Here is a great article for further reading:
How to Avoid an Affair - Letter #1 : Marriage Builders, Inc.

You'll see a list of links on the left for more letters to click into on this topic as well.

Sister K, I'll pray for you. Please know that I'm responding to you because I deeply care about marriages achieving their potential for joy. It's a mission field the Lord has planted in my heart. I do sincerely care about you specifically, and also your marriage, even though I don't know you.

PS: God does NOT want you to go to that small group anymore. He does not want you to place yourself in the way of terribly destructive temptation that you may be unable to resist. You know who does want you to do that, right?

((hugs))

 

[KLadySaved]

I agree with the link, and I don't really have friendships with males; other than if we see them at church at happen to chat, or in groups typically.

 

[KLadySaved]

By the way, I haven't spent money. I've gone to church recovery groups, and other small groups.

 

[AK1982]

Hi. I have been married for 10 years, and have an addiction to the rush feeling you get when you're attracted to someone/vice versa. I've had some emotional affairs. I've also been to recovery groups, and recently have started to reach out to ladies I trust. Last year, my husband and I had joined a small group. There is a married man, that would look at me sometimes with attraction; though for the most part seemed to reel it in. Recently, he was giving into it, and would lust after me. I really tried to pray/rebuke the enemy, and do what I could to not let him know that I was having the same struggle. There was a time recently, where he gave me a ride when I messaged our group asking if someone could help me get a courtesy vehicle while ours was being worked on. I tried to tell him that I felt like God wanted me to mention that it's a sin to lust after someone when you're married/their married. He played it off, like he just happened to see the text for giving me a ride. The last time I had been around him, I'd felt awkward about his lust. But during the ride, I felt comfortable; but too comfortable. I was feeling flirty. I tried to repent. I saw him at church yesterday, and though I had much less constraint on my feelings; he didn't look at me. I felt that he was different, and after fighting tears I started to bawl my eyes out during a lot of the service. I felt such a heartbreak and loss, and embarrassment from it all. Remorse for having it be such an idol above God. Last night the Lord revealed that he used me. He's a womanizer that will flirt with a lady until she flirts back, then he backs off. I've been feeling such heartbreak, and in a fog a bit. Apparently I'd given him too much of my heart. I try to remind myself that this hurts a million times less than if I lost my husband. I did not know this would be so devastating. God wants me to go with my husband to small group on Wednesday (we're changing groups in January anyway). This isn't meant to get sympathy for the pain I feel, but to address it. Please pray for me. Also, does anyone else here have this issue? Thanks.

Appreciate your self realisation. Step one towards deliverance!

A spirit-flesh struggle we all experience in varied aspects of spiritual living and in various degrees. Your post explains your need and strong desire to free yourself from this addiction.

Remember, Joseph fled from Potiphar's wife? Sorry to say, but you walked towards it instead of fleeing when you chose to take a ride. Sin brings shame, sooner or later. Fleeing is the most effective way to fight temptations.

But God knows our frailties. We can talk to him freely about our temptations. He listens, understands, delivers and cleanses us.

1 John 1:9 - If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

if this rush of yours is happening with every other guy you meet, then as posters here rightly pointed out, it has to do something about the "emotional void" you are experiencing in your marriage or as a person. Pray that God heals the roots.

 

[Endeavourer]

if this rush of yours is happening with every other guy you meet, then as posters here rightly pointed out, it has to do something about the "emotional void" you are experiencing in your marriage or as a person. Pray that God heals the roots.

AK had some great thoughts in her post.

I wanted to follow up on this comment, though.

@KLadySaved , how much one on one time do you and your husband spend with each other every week - on average? Time that counts is alone time, just between the two of you where you are interacting, such as going out for dinner, and your attention to each other is undivided. Time spent at home together hardly counts because there are usually distractions and interruptions. Also, no counting time at movies or watching TV where you are not interacting with each other, and no counting time when you are with others.

 

[KLadySaved]

I think I figured out what happened. I think he finally got the hint. The last time there was interaction, we were with our church people volunteering. I had decided to not address him, and went to help a different couple. I wasn't looking at him most of the time he'd say something, when he happened to be closer. I didn't completely ignore him, but didn't do much. At one point I was looking for his wife, and when he asked who I was looking for; I said (rather firmly) "Your wife". Didn't actually intend to sound so firm, but I guess it wasn't a bad thing, lol. So, I think I can feel some accomplishment; along with the fact that the day before this I prayed that he would change his ways (even though my flesh was fighting that prayer tooth and nail). So, thankfully, my not showing interest and having such mental struggles finally paid off.. But I've been left feeling such a void that I hadn't felt in a while after this sort of thing. I'm working on a couple of books. One is "Healing for Damaged Emotions", and the other is "So Long, Insecurity". Both are Christian based.

 

[KLadySaved]

AK had some great thoughts in her post.

I wanted to follow up on this comment, though.

@KLadySaved , how much one on one time do you and your husband spend with each other every week - on average? Time that counts is alone time, just between the two of you where you are interacting, such as going out for dinner, and your attention to each other is undivided. Time spent at home together hardly counts because there are usually distractions and interruptions. Also, no counting time at movies or watching TV where you are not interacting with each other, and no counting time when you are with others.

We hadn't had much time alone. I did bring up the date idea to him yesterday, though. He likes the idea.

 

[Endeavourer]

Dating is a really important part of keeping the closeness between you and maintaining a strong in-love feeling with your husband. This is crucial to keeping your love bank so filled up by your husband that you don't wander with your thoughts and imagination with other men.

Here's an article about that, and you'll initially say that's WAY too much time - we can't do that!!! But, you spend approximately that amount of time investing in your relationship while you were dating and fell in love. You can't expect to change your methods and keep the same results.

The Policy of Undivided Attention : Marriage Builders, Inc.

 

[didi768]

Hi. I have been married for 10 years, and have an addiction to the rush feeling you get when you're attracted to someone/vice versa. I've had some emotional affairs. I've also been to recovery groups, and recently have started to reach out to ladies I trust. Last year, my husband and I had joined a small group. There is a married man, that would look at me sometimes with attraction; though for the most part seemed to reel it in. Recently, he was giving into it, and would lust after me. I really tried to pray/rebuke the enemy, and do what I could to not let him know that I was having the same struggle. There was a time recently, where he gave me a ride when I messaged our group asking if someone could help me get a courtesy vehicle while ours was being worked on. I tried to tell him that I felt like God wanted me to mention that it's a sin to lust after someone when you're married/their married. He played it off, like he just happened to see the text for giving me a ride. The last time I had been around him, I'd felt awkward about his lust. But during the ride, I felt comfortable; but too comfortable. I was feeling flirty. I tried to repent. I saw him at church yesterday, and though I had much less constraint on my feelings; he didn't look at me. I felt that he was different, and after fighting tears I started to bawl my eyes out during a lot of the service. I felt such a heartbreak and loss, and embarrassment from it all. Remorse for having it be such an idol above God. Last night the Lord revealed that he used me. He's a womanizer that will flirt with a lady until she flirts back, then he backs off. I've been feeling such heartbreak, and in a fog a bit. Apparently I'd given him too much of my heart. I try to remind myself that this hurts a million times less than if I lost my husband. I did not know this would be so devastating. God wants me to go with my husband to small group on Wednesday (we're changing groups in January anyway). This isn't meant to get sympathy for the pain I feel, but to address it. Please pray for me. Also, does anyone else here have this issue? Thanks.