Drained...

[Casstranquility]

I've been feeling more and more depressed lately. I know most of the ways to ease depression, but for some reason, I've made up all kinds of ways to avoid doing the work.
I used to go for walks. That helped. I found myself depression free for weeks. But, I eventually became more anxious about going out where people could see me. Now I have trouble going for walks. I'm too frightened that someone will see me and expect something from me, and I just want to be left alone.
I tried cognitive therapy a little, but I didn't stay with it long enough for it to work-I guess I decided that it was pointless, so I gave up.
I have tried changing my diet, and with walking, that works too, but it's more then I can handle. I don't know how to avoid the foods I love which are unhealthy for me and increase my depression. When I'm depressed, food is what I head for.
I've got God in my life, but I'm too confused over my own personality to really have a relationship with Him.

Okay, so I have my list of excuses, and I know the messages I tell myself "I'm no good, I'll never be able to do anything, I'm a horrible person, nobody really cares about me, life is pointless..." On and on. I know they are false messages, but there are so many other messages from other people which confirm those messages that I get confused.

Like, I have this friend. She and I have had some miscommunications. I once told her that I hadn't forgiven her for something, and she got very mad at me, like somehow I was supposed to be better than that. I can't be better than who I am. I have trouble letting go of pain. I still have the pain, and now I'm upset at myself for having it because I'm a bad person for feeling that way. But, I have depression, and why is it so hard for someone who loves me to understand what that means? Why do I have to be perfect?

I am depressed over my church situation. I know one reason is because most people in the church believe differently than I do, and if I try to talk to them about my beliefs, I either get ignored, attacked, or told "You'll find the truth one day." That makes me feel bad. I want to be a member of the church, a member of my Christian family, but I'm not accepted for me.
And I'm also upset because I judge them. And I hate that about me. I don't want to judge or be judged. I judge them because I'm lonely and depressed and really want someone to understand me.

I'm depressed about my family, too. Sometimes I feel like I'm a slave. My Dad is always telling me to do things for him and I get so sick of it because I don't like having to do what he wants. And he knows that I have to, otherwise he'll act all upset and I'll feel guilty. I hate feeling guilty. I'd rather do what he wants than feel guilty, but this makes me resent him, and I don't want to resent my father. This is another reason why I believe my false messages to myself! I can't say yes and I can't say no. I can't do anything without something happening that makes me feel worse as a person.

I'm just feeling drained of life lately...
Thoughts?

 

[Everlasting33]

I am truly sorry that you are feeling so drained!
I actually have had a very emotionally draining week so I can completely understand where you are coming from.

You mentioned cognitive therapy (which i am a big fan of), did you work with a counselor? What were some of the things of CT that turned you off?
Have you sought out counseling?

 

[Casstranquility]

No, I didn't work with a counselor, I read a book, Feeling Good, A New Mood Therapy, by David Burns. But, I never wrote down my disfunctional thoughts, I only thought of them and what I could say to defeat them, but I decided I had too many disfuntional thoughts and not enough rational ones for it to work. It would have worked better with a counselor.

No, I haven't sought counseling because I don't have any money nor transportation. I'd have to be able to counsel myself enough to get a counselor!

 

[Darrell2006]

Hi Casstranquility, I ahave similiar problems, and can relate to your situation, I also would go for walks until thay became to stressful, and also have problems avoiding bad habits, not food but coffee,and cigs.
And can realte to the negative feelings etc..
Just wantedto let you know there was someone else out there strugling with some of the same issues, I know it's helpful "sometimes" to know there are other people strugling with the same isssues. I have got a lot of encouragement from this forum and hope and pray that others will have some good ideas and support for you.


Daryl

 

[Casstranquility]

Thanks. I think having people who understand is helpful!
I don't have much support at home or in my neighborhood. All of the people I know who have depression seem to have a hard time understanding me.

 

[everlast]

Hey Casstranquility, dont be discouraged I totally understand what your going through, I have similair problems myself, doing as much as I can for my family leaving me feeling like im a slave even though I should know better, trying my best to stay close to the lord and God when often times I can get easily misguided in the workings of my mind, that like you I just feel like being left alone, infact some times I flourish in solitude but most times its just very lonely which will further the depression, if theirs one thing ive learned with my history of depression its that dont leave your mind to sit because it will wander off, but stay focused and awake, Ill pray for you.

 

[PrairieGurl]

I've been feeling more and more depressed lately. I know most of the ways to ease depression, but for some reason, I've made up all kinds of ways to avoid doing the work.

One of the reasons, Dear, is that you are depressed Sometimes it's more easy to be depressed than 'work' to get out. I'm known for this

I used to go for walks. That helped. I found myself depression free for weeks. But, I eventually became more anxious about going out where people could see me. Now I have trouble going for walks. I'm too frightened that someone will see me and expect something from me, and I just want to be left alone.

Expect something from me and ask what's the matter and then not listen to my answer anyway Right?

I've got God in my life, but I'm too confused over my own personality to really have a relationship with Him.

This happens to me often...even tho I have experienced a close realationship with Him thru out my life, I get confused with me, not as much God.

I can't be better than who I am. I have trouble letting go of pain. I still have the pain, and now I'm upset at myself for having it because I'm a bad person for feeling that way. But, I have depression, and why is it so hard for someone who loves me to understand what that means? Why do I have to be perfect?

No, you can't be any better than who you are. Not letting go of pain does not make you a bad person. It makes you human
I have many people in my life who love me, most of them CAN NOT understand my depression/bp because they have not experienced it themselves. Unfortunately, mental illness, is still many people do not want to admitt their loved one has.
You don't have to be perfect. No one here on earth is. NO ONE!

if I try to talk to them about my beliefs, I either get ignored, attacked, or told "You'll find the truth one day." That makes me feel bad. I want to be a member of the church, a member of my Christian family, but I'm not accepted for me.
And I'm also upset because I judge them. And I hate that about me. I don't want to judge or be judged. I judge them because I'm lonely and depressed and really want someone to understand me.

God's children not accepting people Who God does seems to be a norm in todays Churches Sad
I pray that God would send one person (at least one) from your Church that would love you as you are (as God wants us to do) and be willing to listen even if they do not understand.

I'm depressed about my family, too. Sometimes I feel like I'm a slave. My Dad is always telling me to do things for him and I get so sick of it because I don't like having to do what he wants. And he knows that I have to, otherwise he'll act all upset and I'll feel guilty. I hate feeling guilty. I'd rather do what he wants than feel guilty, but this makes me resent him, and I don't want to resent my father. This is another reason why I believe my false messages to myself! I can't say yes and I can't say no. I can't do anything without something happening that makes me feel worse as a person.

'Dealing' with family during depression is one of the things I find the most difficult

When I am in the depths of dispair...the last thing I want to hear is 'I am not alone' , 'others are going thru the same illness', etc...
I do want you to know that even tho I don't know all the situations you are going thru...I do understand how crippling this disease is.

s & s,
Wendy

 

[Casstranquility]

Sometimes it's more easy to be depressed than 'work' to get out. I'm known for this

Since it's easier, why do we put ourselves down so harshly when we fail to work through our depression. Everyone seems to do it. I've read many books, and I see often that they put down people who stay depressed, even though it's natural for us to do so! I read in one book that people are whiners and crybabies-that's just name calling, and it hurts when people do that. I internalize all of those judgments. I wish it was easy not to.

Expect something from me and ask what's the matter and then not listen to my answer anyway Right?

Well, I'm usually afraid that people will expect me to smile or say hello-I'm afraid of strangers as well as people who will actually ask me what's wrong. Of course, I always say "nothing" because I'd rather not talk about what's bothering me. But, you're right, they peobably wouldn't listen. They'd probably give me advice-or do what someone did once "What about the joy of the Lord?" What about it? I have depression, the joy of the Lord isn't going to miraculously save me from it. And I can't really feel joy when depressed anyway! (Sometimes you know when people don't know what depression is!)

This happens to me often...even tho I have experienced a close realationship with Him thru out my life, I get confused with me, not as much God.

Oh, wow, you actually feel this way, too! Everyone around me seems to be looking to find out more about God, and I really want to know me!

No, you can't be any better than who you are. Not letting go of pain does not make you a bad person. It makes you human

Thanks!

I pray that God would send one person (at least one) from your Church that would love you as you are (as God wants us to do) and be willing to listen even if they do not understand.

I do have one person...but she's the one who says I'll find my way someday-maybe I'll just have to talk to her about that. I have trouble talking to people because I'm afraid of rejection.

Thank you for your thoughts, Wendy.

 

[PrairieGurl]

Since it's easier, why do we put ourselves down so harshly when we fail to work through our depression. Everyone seems to do it. I've read many books, and I see often that they put down people who stay depressed, even though it's natural for us to do so! I read in one book that people are whiners and crybabies-that's just name calling, and it hurts when people do that. I internalize all of those judgments. I wish it was easy not to.

It seems to be a part of this illness to put ourselves down and harshly at that. Most people who write books on certain topics haven't even experienced what they are writting about and should certainly NOT be writting about it!
I work in Health Care...and it saddens me (almost sickens me) how they do not recognize mental illnesses. Of course...those who work with mental illness (at least 90% of them) are working with their hearts. So if the Health professionals don't even accept it as a disabilitating disease...how much more not the 'general public'?

Well, I'm usually afraid that people will expect me to smile or say hello-I'm afraid of strangers as well as people who will actually ask me what's wrong. Of course, I always say "nothing" because I'd rather not talk about what's bothering me. But, you're right, they peobably wouldn't listen. They'd probably give me advice-or do what someone did once "What about the joy of the Lord?" What about it? I have depression, the joy of the Lord isn't going to miraculously save me from it. And I can't really feel joy when depressed anyway! (Sometimes you know when people don't know what depression is!)

When others (not the people who know what I am going thru) ask "How are you"? My reply is "Do you really want to know, or are you just trying to be polite"
I have never understood how another child of God could insinuate that they seem to know more than our Heavenly Father ????

Oh, wow, you actually feel this way, too! Everyone around me seems to be looking to find out more about God, and I really want to know me!

I'll never know all there is about God, no matter how much I search,(and believe me I have moments of indepth searching) till I meet Him in Heaven. Me on the other hand, I have to live with till then.

Thanks!

Your Welcome

I do have one person...but she's the one who says I'll find my way someday-maybe I'll just have to talk to her about that. I have trouble talking to people because I'm afraid of rejection.

I would ask her about that. I ask people many questions...so I don't have to be disappointed when I realize they really don't care or want to understand.
Rejection a major regular thought of one who is suffering with mental illness! This is when I am SO GLAD that I DO know God. And I believe His promises that He will NEVER leave me or 'forsake me!
With Somewhat of an Understanding & s,
Wendy

 

[Amin]

I've been feeling more and more depressed lately. I know most of the ways to ease depression, but for some reason, I've made up all kinds of ways to avoid doing the work.
I used to go for walks. That helped. I found myself depression free for weeks. But, I eventually became more anxious about going out where people could see me. Now I have trouble going for walks. I'm too frightened that someone will see me and expect something from me, and I just want to be left alone.
I tried cognitive therapy a little, but I didn't stay with it long enough for it to work-I guess I decided that it was pointless, so I gave up.
I have tried changing my diet, and with walking, that works too, but it's more then I can handle. I don't know how to avoid the foods I love which are unhealthy for me and increase my depression. When I'm depressed, food is what I head for.
I've got God in my life, but I'm too confused over my own personality to really have a relationship with Him.

Okay, so I have my list of excuses, and I know the messages I tell myself "I'm no good, I'll never be able to do anything, I'm a horrible person, nobody really cares about me, life is pointless..." On and on. I know they are false messages, but there are so many other messages from other people which confirm those messages that I get confused.

Like, I have this friend. She and I have had some miscommunications. I once told her that I hadn't forgiven her for something, and she got very mad at me, like somehow I was supposed to be better than that. I can't be better than who I am. I have trouble letting go of pain. I still have the pain, and now I'm upset at myself for having it because I'm a bad person for feeling that way. But, I have depression, and why is it so hard for someone who loves me to understand what that means? Why do I have to be perfect?

I am depressed over my church situation. I know one reason is because most people in the church believe differently than I do, and if I try to talk to them about my beliefs, I either get ignored, attacked, or told "You'll find the truth one day." That makes me feel bad. I want to be a member of the church, a member of my Christian family, but I'm not accepted for me.
And I'm also upset because I judge them. And I hate that about me. I don't want to judge or be judged. I judge them because I'm lonely and depressed and really want someone to understand me.

I'm depressed about my family, too. Sometimes I feel like I'm a slave. My Dad is always telling me to do things for him and I get so sick of it because I don't like having to do what he wants. And he knows that I have to, otherwise he'll act all upset and I'll feel guilty. I hate feeling guilty. I'd rather do what he wants than feel guilty, but this makes me resent him, and I don't want to resent my father. This is another reason why I believe my false messages to myself! I can't say yes and I can't say no. I can't do anything without something happening that makes me feel worse as a person.

I'm just feeling drained of life lately...
Thoughts?

Hi,
I also don't know exactly how you feel.
Yet i have experienced some of the same things you have. It sounds as tho your giving all of yourself to other things and people. It's not a bad thing to say no, even if it's to your father. When you give everything you have to other things, what's left for you??? It's not selfish to realize you're a person too, and that you have needs just as anyone else. Think about it. There's no reason to feel guilty when you say no to someone.
Has anyone ever told you NO? They probably have. So, if it's okay for other people to say no, why can't it be okay for you too? You can become absolutely Drained when you don't take time for yourself. That might mean saying, no,
i can't right now. That's okay. There's no way you can be perfect and be everything people expect you to be. If
people think less of you for saying no, or
wanting to do things for yourself,then i think they're the ones' with a problem.
Try to realize and say; I need a rest for a while, I need to be good to me for a change. You need those things as well as anyone else. There's no need to feel guilty, or worthless because you didn't
do something for someone. You're a someone just as we are. If you say no,
they're not going to be devastated, they'll just find another way to get it done. Does that make you a bad person?
Absolutely not. You may think this sounds harsh, but it really isn't. If you continue to give everything to others without thinking of yourself too, there won't be anything left to give. To them or yourself. It's not harsh thinking.
Just a reality of life.
Please, Take Care Of Yourself Too.
Amin.

 

[Casstranquility]

Most people who write books on certain topics haven't even experienced what they are writting about and should certainly NOT be writting about it!

I ran into another book which puts me down as a person. It actually says that I'm following Satan and rebelling against God with some of the problems I have! Aaaah! I wanted to tear the book into pieces.

I have never understood how another child of God could insinuate that they seem to know more than our Heavenly Father ????

Me, neither.

This is when I am SO GLAD that I DO know God. And I believe His promises that He will NEVER leave me or 'forsake me!

God is a great God!

 

[Casstranquility]

Hi,

Hi.

It sounds as tho your giving all of yourself to other things and people.

Well, I have plenty of time for myself still...I spend all kinds of time by myself reading. I don't know why I feel so drained, but I think it's the pressure. No matter what I am doing, the pressure is still there.

There's no reason to feel guilty when you say no to someone

Really? I don't know how to not feel guilty. It must be a dysfunctional reason my brain tells me. Just last night I felt terribly guilty for not doing something for my father-and he acted like I was supposed to do it. I didn't say no, I just didn't do it. I cried about that one. I should have done what he wanted.

Has anyone ever told you NO?

Yes, but I usually bother them until they change their mind. I feel hurt when they say no. I don't want to hurt anyone, so I have trouble saying no.

There's no need to feel guilty, or worthless because you didn't

do something for someone. You're a someone just as we are.

But, I'll hurt them.

they'll just find another way to get it done. Does that make you a bad person?

Many times they do not. They blame me for not doing it for them. I feel like a bad person even if I am not one.


Thanks for your thoughts.