Don't want to lose her!!

[asterix]

I met this girl 3 weeks ago and we both like each other.

The thing is I have been involved with other women in ways that I am not proud of. I've had a couple one night stands too.

I've changed since then. I'm working on myself, and my relationship with God, but I still have an addiction to masturbation.

1) What can I/should I tell her?
2) There'a good chance I will lose her if i tell her about the relationships or addiction. Perhaps I don't deserve her yet? Perhaps I need to work on myself first before starting a relationship?

I do want to open up and be completely truthful, but I really don't want to loser her! What do I do? Please help!

 

[Sketcher]

You're thinking of dating her and maybe eventually marrying her after three weeks. Mistake number 1.

You're thinking of telling her this sort of thing early on in the relationship. Mistake number 2.

Mistake number 1 makes me think you are either not guarding your heart at all (Proverbs 4:23) or you are trying to play the field. Both are wrong.

Mistake number 2 has been made by a lot of people. You don't tell people some things until you've been friends for a while. For example, a good female friend of mine got into the graphic details of her menstrual disease when we were only aquaintances. Yeah, that turned me off. You need to have tact. If you feel guilty about dating someone who doesn't know your past, then let them know before you start dating.

Which brings me back to mistake number 1. It is stupid to date someone before you get to know them as a friend, and that takes months, not weeks. It has personally saved me from a couple of would-be breakups. The relationship isn't worth beans if it doesn't have a decent chance of turning into a happy and stable marraige. As time goes by, you can weed girls out of your list of potential mates, and not waste your time and theirs by dating them for a couple months, then breaking up.

 

[asterix]

Thanks for your reply.
I just want to clarify, that this is not about dating. In fact different people define this term very differently and I don't even want to get into that.

All we are doing is talking and hanging out. We both know we are interested in a deeper relationship, but that's it. We will go out together, do fun stuff, go to church together, etc...

My problem remains however. She has asked me about my past. I've managed to postpone the conversation, but it's only a matter of time before she asks again. How do I handle it?

 

[Clayman]

Well I was in about the same spot you are in now.

I got engaged to a girl and we had sex, long story short, we broke up.

I started praying for my future wife and a year later I met someone I really wanted to get to know. We "hung out" for about a year before we started dating. During that time that same topic got brought up and I told her. I figured that if God brought her into my like to be my wife then God would have prepared her to deal with my past. When I told her about me she understood.

We are now very happily married, so honesty worked for me. However I agree with Twisted I didn't tell her in the first 3 weeks. We had been friends for several months before we started in on those topics.

Good luck, I will be praying for you guys.

 

[InTheFlame]

I'd say, if she's asked, give her a very broad overview of your past - along the lines of 'I've had a few relationships in the past, and I haven't always followed God'. I think it's important that she know a bit about your past as well as who you are currently. Not only will it give her an idea of what she's getting into, it'll help you see if she's going to be non-judgmental when she finds out more, as she's going to have to eventually.

Because you're struggling with an addiction to masturbation, it COULD finish up best if you cool it to friendship level for a while till God's had a chance to work more on you. Do you have a christian counsellor/mentor/director who you can talk this over with in more depth? I don't know you, and don't know your specific struggles and growth stage, so I can't give much of an informed opinion.

 

[Lyle]

Man, if you're thinking of trying to build a relasionship on anything other then the trut, it will fall.

 

[asterix]

Thanks to all for the input. I think I will tell her about my past relationships without going into all the details. I'll admit to having indulged in sexual sins with others - without dwelling on it or going over them case by case.

 

[silentpoet]

I told my girlfriend of my sexual abuse not too long after our first date(maybe a week or so later. I felt it would be helpful to her understanding who I am.

 

[Mayzoo]

All relationships need to be based on truth which leads to trust. How much truth is to be told at any given time is determined by the depth of the relationship. I think what you stated in your third post sounds pretty good to me. Truthful and a begining point for deeper conversations as the relationship grows.

By relationship I mean ANY relationship--ie...friends, dating, parent/child etc....

As for the touching yourself.....continue to look to God to guide you and work in your life. Also, this thread may be of intrest to you: http://www.christianforums.com/t46636.

Welcome to CF. May you find fellowship and answers.

 

[LegomasterJC]

Let us know how it goes too.

 

[forgivenmuch]

i think its to early to be even talking about things like that.. if it dont work out between you two.. and you tell her..she may spread rumors about you.
you just need to deal with your addictions and stop doing them.. you can stop ..its your choice. i would never share deep details with a person i did not know like that..without knowing them for at least 6 months. but i would not lie either.. i would just say.. i do not want to talk about it right now.. but when the time is right i will.. simple

 

[Sketcher]

Thanks for your reply.
I just want to clarify, that this is not about dating. In fact different people define this term very differently and I don't even want to get into that.

All we are doing is talking and hanging out. We both know we are interested in a deeper relationship, but that's it. We will go out together, do fun stuff, go to church together, etc...

My problem remains however. She has asked me about my past. I've managed to postpone the conversation, but it's only a matter of time before she asks again. How do I handle it?

To me, that sounds like dating, because that is how I define it. Did she ask you about your sexual past or did she just want to hear your testimony? Because if she did the former, it doesn't sound like she's guarding her heart either.

I'm a fan of "friendship only" for a while, stuffing all chemistry until you've known the other person well for at least a few months. That may be a healthy step for you to take, given your past. You may need to replace the worldly dating values of the old self with the Godly values of the new self, all the way down to gut level.

The Bible doesn't say much about dating (as it didn't exist back then) but it does say things about honesty, integrity, and self-control. If you haven't yet, read your Bible and pray about how to have a Godly relationship.

I admit that I may be jumping on you, but I had that same attitude 3 weeks after I met a certain girl. That was a disaster waiting to happen, and a small disaster (for me) did happen. I don't have the past baggage you do, but I understand how easy it is to lose one's head when you meet an attractive girl, and your head NEEDS to be engaged.

 

[Los]

I met this girl 3 weeks ago and we both like each other.

The thing is I have been involved with other women in ways that I am not proud of. I've had a couple one night stands too.

I've changed since then. I'm working on myself, and my relationship with God, but I still have an addiction to masturbation.

1) What can I/should I tell her?
2) There'a good chance I will lose her if i tell her about the relationships or addiction. Perhaps I don't deserve her yet? Perhaps I need to work on myself first before starting a relationship?

I do want to open up and be completely truthful, but I really don't want to loser her! What do I do? Please help!

1. How old are you?
2. Who cares?
3. Work on your relationship with God before you work on a relationship with someone else. Trust me, its so much better that way.