Hello everyone, i'm new here.
(If this thread is in the wrong section then feel free to move it)
I don't know where to start, and sorry this is very long, I've needed to get this all out and pray that god will use someone to give me insight.
I'm 19 years old, and I live in Australia.
I was saved around the end of 2014, after a 2-3 month battle with psychosis/schizophrenia. I grew up agnostic without influence for my very early years and after my half-brother moved in with us later on I leaned towards athiesm (Because he was, and I never grew up with a brother so I took it on)
Anyway, as I grew older, I started becoming depraved.. homosexual tendencies, heavy drinking, smoking, drugs, and became influenced by that sort of crowd that it became my nature. for about 6 years i went off the rails, and eventually burned out.
It was my grandma's partner who started introducing me to christ, although in a strange way. He started telling me about Jesus and his testimony of being delivered from a demonic attack, also went into detail about conspiracies in the roman catholic church, and did alot of writing on demons and spiritual warfare.
So after one day of talking to him, I was sitting in the bathroom of my apartment smoking marijuana, (as I had done everyday for 3 years), I had this strange feeling come over my whole body, and in an instant I knew God was real. At first I thought it was good, but as I walked into the kitchen, I saw a silhouette of a bulls head in the screen door. I knew something wasn't right, everything was different.
Over the next couple of days, I started having horrible delusions. I started thinking I was Jesus second coming, was seeing signs everywhere, police helicopters, it was awful, I wont even go into detail about some of the delusions.
But one night, I was sitting at my dads house, and the television started talking to me, which i now understand to be demonic in nature. It sent my delusion into overdrive, only i could see this happening.
Immediately my parents took me to the mental ward the next suburb over. I was in there for a month, and the delusions didn't stop.
After I was released, I was forced on heavy medication, and the episodes with the TV happened for months, I was realizing that I wasn't Jesus and that I was being tormented. After a while, I was able to talk to people, and ended up going to a friends 18th party. I had a couple of drinks and left early, not telling anyone about the delusions. While waiting out the front, I started praying to God for the first time. Probably for an hour I sat there praying. That night I went to bed, and God had given me a dream/vision.
In this vision, I was standing in my back yard, surrounded by a swarm of locusts.
I then said "Send these locusts onto every man who is with sin"
A man then appeared in front of me and said, "I am coming to eat you within an hour, for no man is without sin."
walking up the stairs to my house, I heard God announce "And that is how the devil fooled the whole world."
I woke up in a cold sweat, I couldn't believe what had just happened, i was terrified.
During the week, God had put it on my heart. "How could I be Jesus?" "Jesus was sinless, and God has shown me that I'm with sin" and came to the conclusion that I wasn't Jesus.
A few weeks later, I couldn't take it anymore, I just cried out to Jesus, saying "Jesus if your there, please come and help me because i can't handle it anymore."
and a couple of nights later, He answered in another dream/vision.
In this vision, It was nighttime, and i was standing down the end of the back yard. (we lived on a river)
I called out to Jesus, somehow knowing i'd see him.
Almost instantly, a great light lit the whole place up, and standing before me was Jesus himself! We sat down at either end of the fishing table in my back yard, and he started speaking. At first, I could only hear the sound of his words, they were muffled to me. I had my head down with my hands over the top of my head, I could not handle it. After that, I walked over to give him a hug, and he knew my thoughts and the madness in my head. He pushed me back gently and commanded "Be free of this madness." I then felt a rush through my whole body, which I won't compare to electricity, this was greater, completely of him.
after this, I said to Jesus, "It feels like you're a brother to me" to which he replied "Well, what do brothers do for their brothers."
The answer I would've given him now would be, "Love them and look after them" which is what I now realize I've always wanted in a brother.
But for some reason, I answered him like a smart a**, and said "Teach them how to cast out demons"
I remember the look he gave me, I can't tell if it was disappointment, or sadness, or what, but whatever it was, it was the reaction of God. As I walked off I was worried, and I looked back. He was standing in the river with his hands on the bank, and His head down. My nan, (Who is a christian) said he was interceding for me, and my charismatic friend I feel took it way out of proportion and attributed all sorts of prophecies and meanings to it, that didn't make sense.
Anyway, I woke up that morning, and felt the greatest peace I've ever felt. I ran into mum and dad and shouted "I JUST SPOKE TO JESUS!" their reaction was blunt due to the psychosis, which I saw the bright side of.
I went out and thanked Jesus immediately, and began my walk with God.
I started attending a small pentecostal church which my nanna recommended, and I thought it was amazing at first. At the end of every sermon we stood in a circle, and the pastor started declaring that the holy ghost manifest himself, and people would start behaving erratically. swirling around in circles, speaking in tongues, laughing, screaming hysterically, and the pastor would "prophecy". being new, I thought this was it, this was what I'd been missing out on my whole life. After a few weeks, something just wasn't right. The signs and wonders was all anyone seemed to care about. I stopped paying attention to sermons, and just waited for the "anointing".
I ended up leaving shortly after.
During attending the church, I started suffering demonic/evil nightmares, where demons would say things to me and try to warp my mind/heart.
I ended up backsliding for 4 or so months and doing drugs and drinking again.
I ended up finding myself stopping after a much needed warning.
I went to a lovely baptist church where I met one of my good mates. I loved it, it wasnt crazy, you could see the love in most of them.
I attended there for a couple of months, and met some great people. During this time, I started getting drawn into Messianic Judaism.
There came confusion about the law, the sabbath, dietary rules, and so forth.
That lasted for a month, until I felt God draw me away from it.
I found myself in a charismatic church, that a friend of mine attended, who I found out was saved the year before me.
I started going there, and had mixed feelings about it. some aspects of it were VERY worldy and carnal, like playing pop music before church started, the way people would talk, the cliques, etc, but the enthusiasm during worship and the joy had me hook line and sinker. I thought "this is what i've been missing" and started going regularly. After months, I started to notice things. Every sermon sounded the same, people were different outside of church,
(remember I'm not Jesus, I'm not talking as the perfect christian, This is my walk so far and I'm sharing it so fellow brothers or sisters in Christ can shed some God given light on my life)
The manifestations were very bizarre. I'd never heard of people falling over, or fire tunnels, or tongues being a sign of the holy spirit, and all of that.
I left that assembly around October last year, and not many people from the church talk to me anymore, unless its to get me to come back, or rebuke me for questioning things.
Throughout this 15 month period, on the side, i've battled demonic dreams, deterioration, invasive thoughts, OCD, and a general lack of growth, and relationship.
I feel I have no genuine love in me anymore. I'm demotivated and confused. I get horrible, scary thoughts, which recently progressed to invasive feelings. I need to reach out to God, I feel so worn out spiritually and emotionally, I think im possessed sometimes. I've heard Gods voice 3 times over these 15 months, which is FAR different to the voices you hear during psychosis. your whole spirit just knows its God.
I haven't been in a church for 3 months, I have NO fellowship with anyone, Ive gone absolutely stale. Everytime I go to draw near to God now, I hold back and get anxious.
I struggle with "Letting go and letting God." I know I NEED to let god have full possession over me, and my life, and deep down I am willing, I don't know what it is.
I freak out over the fact that God knows and knew ALL things before he made life, and it makes me afraid to even move, or think.
I suppose theres a great lack of trust, love, and devotion, and I feel asking God for that is a great disrespect after all the wonderful, loving, GRACEFUL blessings he has given me.
Thankyou if you read all of this. It is my hearts intention to write this, that someone sound (because God knows I'm not sound) would write back. I'm not after words to tickle my ears, I understand Godly advice isn't always sugar sweet haha.
Praise Jesus, our Lord, and God Bless.
(If this thread is in the wrong section then feel free to move it)
I don't know where to start, and sorry this is very long, I've needed to get this all out and pray that god will use someone to give me insight.
I'm 19 years old, and I live in Australia.
I was saved around the end of 2014, after a 2-3 month battle with psychosis/schizophrenia. I grew up agnostic without influence for my very early years and after my half-brother moved in with us later on I leaned towards athiesm (Because he was, and I never grew up with a brother so I took it on)
Anyway, as I grew older, I started becoming depraved.. homosexual tendencies, heavy drinking, smoking, drugs, and became influenced by that sort of crowd that it became my nature. for about 6 years i went off the rails, and eventually burned out.
It was my grandma's partner who started introducing me to christ, although in a strange way. He started telling me about Jesus and his testimony of being delivered from a demonic attack, also went into detail about conspiracies in the roman catholic church, and did alot of writing on demons and spiritual warfare.
So after one day of talking to him, I was sitting in the bathroom of my apartment smoking marijuana, (as I had done everyday for 3 years), I had this strange feeling come over my whole body, and in an instant I knew God was real. At first I thought it was good, but as I walked into the kitchen, I saw a silhouette of a bulls head in the screen door. I knew something wasn't right, everything was different.
Over the next couple of days, I started having horrible delusions. I started thinking I was Jesus second coming, was seeing signs everywhere, police helicopters, it was awful, I wont even go into detail about some of the delusions.
But one night, I was sitting at my dads house, and the television started talking to me, which i now understand to be demonic in nature. It sent my delusion into overdrive, only i could see this happening.
Immediately my parents took me to the mental ward the next suburb over. I was in there for a month, and the delusions didn't stop.
After I was released, I was forced on heavy medication, and the episodes with the TV happened for months, I was realizing that I wasn't Jesus and that I was being tormented. After a while, I was able to talk to people, and ended up going to a friends 18th party. I had a couple of drinks and left early, not telling anyone about the delusions. While waiting out the front, I started praying to God for the first time. Probably for an hour I sat there praying. That night I went to bed, and God had given me a dream/vision.
In this vision, I was standing in my back yard, surrounded by a swarm of locusts.
I then said "Send these locusts onto every man who is with sin"
A man then appeared in front of me and said, "I am coming to eat you within an hour, for no man is without sin."
walking up the stairs to my house, I heard God announce "And that is how the devil fooled the whole world."
I woke up in a cold sweat, I couldn't believe what had just happened, i was terrified.
During the week, God had put it on my heart. "How could I be Jesus?" "Jesus was sinless, and God has shown me that I'm with sin" and came to the conclusion that I wasn't Jesus.
A few weeks later, I couldn't take it anymore, I just cried out to Jesus, saying "Jesus if your there, please come and help me because i can't handle it anymore."
and a couple of nights later, He answered in another dream/vision.
In this vision, It was nighttime, and i was standing down the end of the back yard. (we lived on a river)
I called out to Jesus, somehow knowing i'd see him.
Almost instantly, a great light lit the whole place up, and standing before me was Jesus himself! We sat down at either end of the fishing table in my back yard, and he started speaking. At first, I could only hear the sound of his words, they were muffled to me. I had my head down with my hands over the top of my head, I could not handle it. After that, I walked over to give him a hug, and he knew my thoughts and the madness in my head. He pushed me back gently and commanded "Be free of this madness." I then felt a rush through my whole body, which I won't compare to electricity, this was greater, completely of him.
after this, I said to Jesus, "It feels like you're a brother to me" to which he replied "Well, what do brothers do for their brothers."
The answer I would've given him now would be, "Love them and look after them" which is what I now realize I've always wanted in a brother.
But for some reason, I answered him like a smart a**, and said "Teach them how to cast out demons"
I remember the look he gave me, I can't tell if it was disappointment, or sadness, or what, but whatever it was, it was the reaction of God. As I walked off I was worried, and I looked back. He was standing in the river with his hands on the bank, and His head down. My nan, (Who is a christian) said he was interceding for me, and my charismatic friend I feel took it way out of proportion and attributed all sorts of prophecies and meanings to it, that didn't make sense.
Anyway, I woke up that morning, and felt the greatest peace I've ever felt. I ran into mum and dad and shouted "I JUST SPOKE TO JESUS!" their reaction was blunt due to the psychosis, which I saw the bright side of.
I went out and thanked Jesus immediately, and began my walk with God.
I started attending a small pentecostal church which my nanna recommended, and I thought it was amazing at first. At the end of every sermon we stood in a circle, and the pastor started declaring that the holy ghost manifest himself, and people would start behaving erratically. swirling around in circles, speaking in tongues, laughing, screaming hysterically, and the pastor would "prophecy". being new, I thought this was it, this was what I'd been missing out on my whole life. After a few weeks, something just wasn't right. The signs and wonders was all anyone seemed to care about. I stopped paying attention to sermons, and just waited for the "anointing".
I ended up leaving shortly after.
During attending the church, I started suffering demonic/evil nightmares, where demons would say things to me and try to warp my mind/heart.
I ended up backsliding for 4 or so months and doing drugs and drinking again.
I ended up finding myself stopping after a much needed warning.
I went to a lovely baptist church where I met one of my good mates. I loved it, it wasnt crazy, you could see the love in most of them.
I attended there for a couple of months, and met some great people. During this time, I started getting drawn into Messianic Judaism.
There came confusion about the law, the sabbath, dietary rules, and so forth.
That lasted for a month, until I felt God draw me away from it.
I found myself in a charismatic church, that a friend of mine attended, who I found out was saved the year before me.
I started going there, and had mixed feelings about it. some aspects of it were VERY worldy and carnal, like playing pop music before church started, the way people would talk, the cliques, etc, but the enthusiasm during worship and the joy had me hook line and sinker. I thought "this is what i've been missing" and started going regularly. After months, I started to notice things. Every sermon sounded the same, people were different outside of church,
(remember I'm not Jesus, I'm not talking as the perfect christian, This is my walk so far and I'm sharing it so fellow brothers or sisters in Christ can shed some God given light on my life)
The manifestations were very bizarre. I'd never heard of people falling over, or fire tunnels, or tongues being a sign of the holy spirit, and all of that.
I left that assembly around October last year, and not many people from the church talk to me anymore, unless its to get me to come back, or rebuke me for questioning things.
Throughout this 15 month period, on the side, i've battled demonic dreams, deterioration, invasive thoughts, OCD, and a general lack of growth, and relationship.
I feel I have no genuine love in me anymore. I'm demotivated and confused. I get horrible, scary thoughts, which recently progressed to invasive feelings. I need to reach out to God, I feel so worn out spiritually and emotionally, I think im possessed sometimes. I've heard Gods voice 3 times over these 15 months, which is FAR different to the voices you hear during psychosis. your whole spirit just knows its God.
I haven't been in a church for 3 months, I have NO fellowship with anyone, Ive gone absolutely stale. Everytime I go to draw near to God now, I hold back and get anxious.
I struggle with "Letting go and letting God." I know I NEED to let god have full possession over me, and my life, and deep down I am willing, I don't know what it is.
I freak out over the fact that God knows and knew ALL things before he made life, and it makes me afraid to even move, or think.
I suppose theres a great lack of trust, love, and devotion, and I feel asking God for that is a great disrespect after all the wonderful, loving, GRACEFUL blessings he has given me.
Thankyou if you read all of this. It is my hearts intention to write this, that someone sound (because God knows I'm not sound) would write back. I'm not after words to tickle my ears, I understand Godly advice isn't always sugar sweet haha.
Praise Jesus, our Lord, and God Bless.
