I'm new here on the boards, and am unsure what is appopriate to bring up and what is not. I do have something on my heart that I am unsure of how to react to it, or what to do... 2 years ago I met a man very unlike myself. I was raised in a christian home with very high standards. He was not. He was a new christian and I helped him with his walk, and he has become a great man with a love for the Lord. There are still many things he battles with and may always battle with, one of which just recently came up. At a young age of twelve he became very sexually active and things progressed from there. He entered into the military where of course he was involved in multiple sexual relationships and was trapped in the world of porn. Since we met, he has for the most part changed... He rarely looks at porn, maybe once or twice in the past year, of which he regrets, he also is very faithful to me and would never think of breaking his promise to me or God. A problem we dealt with while dating was abstaining from sex... Abstinence was what God wanted, but not what my "now" husband was used to. He compensated by masturbating. I was not happy to find this out yet was unsure of how to deal with it. I thought after we married it would end. I recently found out this was not the case. My husband currently masturbates a few times a week. Help!! I need suggestions, I need prayer. I can't be judgemental of my husband. He already thinks of me as a self righteous freak always aking to do this or stop that. I know men will be men, and because of all my husband has been through at this point his body is trained to do this. When he can't release himself he honestly gets physically ill. Our sex life is good at least 3 times a week... I know for a fact that the masturbation will not stop, not unless God intervenes and works a miracle. As a christian wife I feel I need to be a part of it. I feel that this sensation or act is given by God. for a husband and wife to enjoy TOGETHER not seperately. I can't stop working nights and soon my husband will have a job taking business trips. There will be nights when we won't be together no matter what. I need suggestions...What can I do to be a part of this act with him?
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Don't know what to do....
- Thread starter Olovelyone
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Jenna
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I don't know, maybe it was just the way that I was raised, but I don't see the problem with it. It is great that you guys have a healthy and active sex life. *thumbs up* Obviously, if he is lusting after someone else and doing his thing with porn videos or magazines, that's a big problem. I'm still having a hard time feeling that he's doing anything wrong if he's thinking about his beautiful wife when she isn't around to provide for him. If you are physically there, there are plenty of things that you can do to participate. Ask him. I'm sure he'd share options with you. If you are away, call on your lunch break or something. Give him a treat of phone sex if you feel spunky. lol
Most of all..........take a couple deep breathes.
Most of all..........take a couple deep breathes.
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charligirl
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I am in a similar marriage to you, I brought my husband to the lord (before we were dating, it wasn't missionary dating!) and he went into the Navy at 16 years old, sounds like he has had a similar life to your husband, although my husband has never been into porn.
I know how you feel about being seen as self righteous, . It is so hard not to 'suggest' things as I am sure my husband thinks I am nagging. I am getting up early each morning to pray for him at the moment as he is hitting some stuff and he is still a baby christian, not able to feed himself!
I also understand how you feel about the masturbation, I would be a little put out if my husband was getting off on his own without me there. I feel that it somehow wastes or cheapens the incredible sexual/spirtiual act of making love if we are not both included.
All I can suggest is pray , pray and pray I am finding that God does move incredibly (not always as and when I would like ) He gave me a word i nmy prayer time early in the marriage
Psalm 138:8
The LORD will perfect that which concerns me
So he will continue to perfect my husband and our marriage.
Not sure if that that helps, just wanted to encourage you that God does sort it out, but we have to trust Him to deal with our spouse.
I know how you feel about being seen as self righteous, . It is so hard not to 'suggest' things as I am sure my husband thinks I am nagging. I am getting up early each morning to pray for him at the moment as he is hitting some stuff and he is still a baby christian, not able to feed himself!
I also understand how you feel about the masturbation, I would be a little put out if my husband was getting off on his own without me there. I feel that it somehow wastes or cheapens the incredible sexual/spirtiual act of making love if we are not both included.
All I can suggest is pray , pray and pray
I am finding that God does move incredibly (not always as and when I would like ) He gave me a word i nmy prayer time early in the marriagePsalm 138:8
The LORD will perfect that which concerns me
So he will continue to perfect my husband and our marriage.
Not sure if that that helps, just wanted to encourage you that God does sort it out, but we have to trust Him to deal with our spouse.
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hisbloodformysins
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Hmm, first my question is, which you already kind of answered, is why it bothers you? Is it just because you were taught that it's not right?? Or is it more personal? I personally think that sometimes we really need to look at the heart of the issue and let go of our religous beliefs that lead to legalism rather than relationship. I'm not saying whether or not I agree or disagree with the situation, though I know that it's not the "christian" thing to do. But let me ask, does it really truly bother you apart from that? And if so why? You two may become closer if you seek to understand him, then he will be more open with you if you don't come across as judgemental- as you have already said that he feels like you are a "self righteous freak". I personally think that sometimes being more concerned about being accepted by the christian crowd by doing all the right things is hindering- but this is coming from someone who like your hubby, was not raised in a christian home and i am a liberal christian.
If it's because you feel like he's being kind of unfaithful to you, because maybe he's having images of other women while doing so- that can be very hurtful, especially if he's closed to you about it.
But if it's just because it's "wrong" then maybe you ought to let that religous conviction go and truly look into your heart. Might benefit you two if you allow yourself to be a little bad.
I know, some will really dissaprove of this- but I don't really care, because I don't answer to others, but to my lord. And if he thinks it's wrong, I trust him to sanctify me, I try not to get ahead of him and make it about rules, but that's just me.
Good luck, and god bless.
If it's because you feel like he's being kind of unfaithful to you, because maybe he's having images of other women while doing so- that can be very hurtful, especially if he's closed to you about it.
But if it's just because it's "wrong" then maybe you ought to let that religous conviction go and truly look into your heart. Might benefit you two if you allow yourself to be a little bad.
I know, some will really dissaprove of this- but I don't really care, because I don't answer to others, but to my lord. And if he thinks it's wrong, I trust him to sanctify me, I try not to get ahead of him and make it about rules, but that's just me.
Good luck, and god bless.
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I
I'ddie4him
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Personally I tend to agree with Jenna on this, Just take a few deep breaths and approach the subject with your spouse and ask him if would be a problem for you to somehow be included ?? I guess thats the only way I can put it....I know that you feel like you are being closed out in some way, But, Just be honest and let him know that it's important for you to feel loved and not like he is fantasizing about some other woman during this "gulp" activity. My wife will probably kill me for saying this, But, During the last 15 months since I have been having very serious back problems and 2 surgeries, Sex has not been a real high point in our marriage. So, we have turned to other alternatives to help keep the spark. Such as manual stimulation for each other. I wish you luck in expressing your concerns and hope that he is willing to be more open.
God Bless.
God Bless.
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I don't belong to myself anymore. I belong to my wife. So I don't have the freedom to do that anymore. That's how I look at it.
lol. Jenna has a point.
Here the issue isn't whether the act is wrong or not, but a spouse doesn't need to do things that hurts the other.
On teh upside, your husband has come a long way.
We're men. We're a little slow. But we straighten up eventually.
Change is gradual.
lol. Jenna has a point.
Here the issue isn't whether the act is wrong or not, but a spouse doesn't need to do things that hurts the other.
On teh upside, your husband has come a long way.
We're men. We're a little slow. But we straighten up eventually.
Change is gradual.
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I
I'ddie4him
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Kind of a funny way to put it Cheese, But, I think your right.Mr.Cheese said:
It isn't whether the act or wrong or not, I do think it's selfish in a way for her man to do things like that by himself tho.
Sometimes it may take a 2X4 alongside the head to help us along the way too.
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Jenna
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All in all, it just seems that there isn't much more to be said without really knowing what is going on. For instance, we don't know what her husband's motivation is. We don't know if he is losing himself to lust, or maybe just gets too lonely without his honey. Of course I think that a spouse should consider their mate's feelings. I just recognize that sometimes we make more problems for ourselves than what there has to be. And I mean that in a very loving and positive way. It just sounds like the two need to do some talking to find out what it is that is drawing her husband to pleasure himself when she isn't around. Most times there are small changes that can be made to help everyone feel more secure and content in the relationship, which seems to be the real jist of the problem.
And I mean that in a very loving and positive way. It just sounds like the two need to do some talking to find out what it is that is drawing her husband to pleasure himself when she isn't around. Most times there are small changes that can be made to help everyone feel more secure and content in the relationship, which seems to be the real jist of the problem.
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I agree Jenna- What is the motivation. I'll add to your maybes. Maybe he feels that since thay are already having sex 2-3 times a week, and he wants more, that attending to his own needs is less selfish than going to her again. I know a woman who's husband wanted sex everyday. Sometimes more than once a day. She felt used and uncared for. When I, just kinda thinking outloud, suggested that he could take care of it himself sometimes, she was rather offended. She pointed out to me that "some people regard that as a sin you know". I stated that that was true and dropped it right then. This issue is supposedly why their marriage went south. This and other things I'm sure.
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I can eat 50 eggs
what we have here is a failure to communicate
I call BS on this. It may not be the greatest feeling, but he can live with it if he sucks it up.
Let me suggest he reads teh book "everyman's battle" (Shoot, all men should read it)
The problem is, he has trained his body to react like that, and need that frequency. He can just as easily retrain it.
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