We did go on Wednesday night to talk it all out. It wasn't great but one thing I did say is that the shouting/cursing/humiliation is over. Done with. He's not doing that any more. I didn't give any consequences, but he understood that it was an ultimatum of a kind. He said "okay". We went over what happened that day, and he still thought he was in the right to be angry, and I agreed that everyone has the right to be angry, it's just the way that he reacts when he's angry. That's the problem. I get angry too but I don't scream at him. I gave him a verbal image of how it would be if I berated him in front of the boys, and he seemed to absorb that. I told him that it was abusive behavior, and he didn't argue. I reminded him that the boys are learning from him how to be husbands, and how will he feel in 10 years, if he's sitting there listening to his sons scream at their wives.
I wish I could do some of those things like have a notice that says something on it, lol. That hit my funny bone. However, I know from experience that something like that would only up the ante. He would just get madder, he wouldn't get embarassed, because then I would be humiliating him in front of other people. Same thing for doing a "talk to the hand". I have in the past walked away, just gone to another part of the house, but of course his voice follows me - berating me all the way, and getting angrier saying "so you don't have to talk to me now?" Ugh.
I know he has a lot of stress. He hates his new job - although he should be able to switch over to a better job in December, when his 6 months probation period is over. He has a lot of pain from his head and neck, which he has had since before his hearing loss, but which has worsened. The doctors have never been able to find the source.
This is all fine, and I feel for him, but his outbursts pre-date this job, and when I first met him, he didn't have these health problems, but the anger was still there. I was foolish enough to think it would change.
I think that all I can do is, when it happens again, just quietly remind him that he isn't going to do it any more. I can't walk on eggshells, which seems to be his suggestion - "just don't annoy me" - I mean .. who knows what annoys him today and what annoys him tomorrow? He needs to be responsible for his reactions and the extremeness (not a word, lol) of them. No swearing. No shouting. No pulling me or "marriage" in general down. That would be good. That would be a HUGE improvement.
