Don't know what to call this: marriage question

[Luther073082]

I have to say I just don't understand anger issues. . . I really don't.

If something ticks me off, like really ticks me off, which takes considerable effort to do, I will often save screaming for some place where I'm alone. Like if I really want to scream I know I can get in the car on the highway with the windows up and I can scream, yell, and curse about it all I want and no one will the the wiser.

I mean I'm not saying that getting in the car and shouting and cursing at the top of my lungs just because I feel like shouting is the wisest or best way to deal with anger. . . but you know. . . I sort of feel like its better then doing it out in public or unleashing that on someone else.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

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[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

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[visionary]

Bullies have no respect for weakness or signs of weakness.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Bullies have no respect for weakness or signs of weakness.

True, too true.

 

[dallasapple]

I agree with Stan Jane..in a sense you are letting him get away with it..

Point your finger at him and start LAUGHING your head off walk away shaking your head and tell him the truth..SOMETHING is wrong with you ..

Refuse to allow him to go with you anymore..Seriously go to church by your self..Your children already know because of HIM..that something is wrong..so just tell them you arent putting up with it anymore ..If your chidlren acted like that you would ground them..you can't ground your husband but you can refuse to allow him the PRIVELEDGE of beign with you in public.

Another thing you can do is do you have the picture or movie feature on your cell phone?..However you have to do it..have a camera ready to film him..take a movie of it while looking at him like hes an animal at the zoo(how hes acting)..then downolad it on the computer and send it to everyone you know...

Title it "I love him but hes a pain in the ***" ...send it to anyone and everyone..

You will probably only have to do that once..

That..or you can do a combination..leave him at home..decide he can go if he promises to behave himself..if he doesnt ..film it..other times you could start screaming as loud as you can like primal screaming..turn it around on to him.

Pull the rug out from under him..be unpredictable as he is.make HIM tippy toe on egg shells..

My husband is mortally terrified of being publically humiliated..the opposite of your husband..so his deal is he will jab at me under his breath when we are out ..like hes deliberately trying to provoke me for some UNKNOWN reason that he antagonizes me when people are around..I finally just one time..decided to walk off..I walked off from him at a store when we were in line waiting to purchase something..his face turned red as a beat..then he asked me when he got outside where I was waiting by the car "whats your problem "?..I said YOU ARE..Dont you ever expect me to stand there..and do nothing while you whisper your snide remarks ever again..next time it will be worse..I'll start screaming SHUT UP!!!!!!...If you want to find out ..I dare you ...

Unfortunately he did it again in a movie theatre..well I decided to NOT follow through in that case..because it WAS a movie theatre I was afraid to cause a mass panic...instead I have refused his invitation since then on going to the movies with him and told him its not worth it..he doent deserve my company..

Im actually mad at myself..that I didnt get up and walk of..but I wasnt 'prepared"..

Whether he ever stops doing this I dont know..maybe he will maybe he wont.in the meantime Im not going to make it easy for him..Im not going to be a victim or a doormat..

Dallas

 

[Athene]

Carry a tea towel around with you, when he starts shouting put it on your head. Or even better - a paper bag with eyes cut in it and a goofey face drawn on. I would bet that while he isn't embarrassed by his own actions in public, you doing that would really make him cringe - just repeat until he gets the point.

 

[dallasapple]

Yes..the brown bag...another thing Jane?Seriously (Im not even kidding) carry a fog horn in your purse..you know like one of those people use at a foot ball game?Pull it out and start blowing it the minute he starts screaming..stop when he stops ..when he starts again blow the horn..Where you cant even hear him..and he cant hear himself either(I know he is legally deaf but he should be able to hear a fog horn right?)...

He screams you blow..he stops screaming you stop blowing ...back and and forth ..until you say "are you done? and he says yes"..do it all day if you must untill he shuts up..

Dallas

 

[FaithPrevails]

Their poor kids will never want to go anywhere with them.

 

[dallasapple]

Their poor kids will never want to go anywhere with them.

Her husband is causing the scene..they see it..they are already in the middle..Her standing there and doing nothing isnt teaching them anything but that hes getting away with verbally abusing her ...

For all we know they are wondering why she doesnt do anything about it..I would be..

At the very least she should walk off..and then refuse to go anywhere with him again until he promises to stop it..the counselor even said he was making a choice to have a "short fuse"..and he seems to be actually proud of it..

The kids see the facade they are old enough..

Dallas

 

[beckyjustbecky]

My uncle was horribly rude my aunt for a very long time o the point we cried when mum said we were visiting, until one day, I never laughed so much in my life!

My uncle started the usual raising his voice cursing and yelling at her, so she pulled from her pocket, an a4sized red page folded. When she opened it up it was a sign that read "I don't understand-me no speak pig!" his face dropped! I nearly peed my pants! (literally!I was about 10!) auntie carried paper with different words on it with her into shops, restaurants, bars, theatres until he got too embarrassed of what she'd do next he stopped yelling at her.

I think the last one read "my husband likes men-what's a woman to do?" I don't thnk he's ever yelled since!

 

[Psalm63]

I found some really practical material on communication and setting personal boundaries which I am posting below. Look esp at the statement I highlighted in red. If I was you, I'd re-think the church thing. What if he just decided that the f-bomb is more important than church and dropped out of church altogether rather than agree with you that the behavior needs to be addressed?

Formula for emotionally honest communication:

When you . . . . .
I feel . . . . .
I want....

When your voice gets louder and your face gets red and you clench your fists, I feel scared, intimidated, unsafe. I feel like you are going to hit me. I want to feel safe and respected in our relationship.

When I try to talk to you while you are watching television and I have to say your name 3 or 4 times before you respond, I feel angry, hurt, discounted, unimportant, insignificant, invisible, like I am being punished. It feels like you do not want to communicate with me. I want you to ask me how my day went and really listen to my answer.

Statements Setting Boundaries:
If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.)
I will - a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.
If you continue this behavior - a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.

examples:
If you verbally abuse me by calling me names like stupid or jerk, I will confront you about your behavior and share my feelings.
If you continue that behavior I will leave the room/house/ask you to leave. If you keep repeating this behavior I will start considering all of my options, including leaving this relationship.
~
If you break your plans with me by not showing up or by calling me at the last minute to tell me that you had something else come up, I will confront your behavior and share my feelings. If you repeat that behavior, I will consider it to mean that you do not value or deserve my friendship - and I will have no contact with you for a month. (source)

​

 

[chaz345]

I found some really practical material on communication and setting personal boundaries which I am posting below. Look esp at the statement I highlighted in red. If I was you, I'd re-think the church thing. What if he just decided that the f-bomb is more important than church and dropped out of church altogether rather than agree with you that the behavior needs to be addressed?

Formula for emotionally honest communication:

When you . . . . .
I feel . . . . .
I want....

When your voice gets louder and your face gets red and you clench your fists, I feel scared, intimidated, unsafe. I feel like you are going to hit me. I want to feel safe and respected in our relationship.

When I try to talk to you while you are watching television and I have to say your name 3 or 4 times before you respond, I feel angry, hurt, discounted, unimportant, insignificant, invisible, like I am being punished. It feels like you do not want to communicate with me. I want you to ask me how my day went and really listen to my answer.

Statements Setting Boundaries:
If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.)
I will - a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.
If you continue this behavior - a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.

examples:
If you verbally abuse me by calling me names like stupid or jerk, I will confront you about your behavior and share my feelings.
If you continue that behavior I will leave the room/house/ask you to leave. If you keep repeating this behavior I will start considering all of my options, including leaving this relationship.
~
If you break your plans with me by not showing up or by calling me at the last minute to tell me that you had something else come up, I will confront your behavior and share my feelings. If you repeat that behavior, I will consider it to mean that you do not value or deserve my friendship - and I will have no contact with you for a month. (source)

​

My personal opinion is that threatening divorce as the red highlighted example implies is NEVER a good idea. Better to only mention the next step in the escalating conseqenses rather than lay out the whole what if possibility in such a way as to likely just cause more escalation.

 

[Psalm63]

My uncle was horribly rude my aunt for a very long time o the point we cried when mum said we were visiting, until one day, I never laughed so much in my life!

My uncle started the usual raising his voice cursing and yelling at her, so she pulled from her pocket, an a4sized red page folded. When she opened it up it was a sign that read "I don't understand-me no speak pig!" his face dropped! I nearly peed my pants! (literally!I was about 10!) auntie carried paper with different words on it with her into shops, restaurants, bars, theatres until he got too embarrassed of what she'd do next he stopped yelling at her.

Inspired!
(Wouldn't work behind closed doors at home, however)

 

[mkgal1]

From what Psalm posted, I grabbed this.....I wonder if this idea of "toxic shame" is really the root cause? I really agree with this attitude (in the article) to combat this....

There is no blame here, there are no bad guys, only wounded souls and broken hearts and scrambled minds.

In order to stop giving the toxic shame so much power, I had to learn to detach from my own reactive process enough to start being able to see a boundary between being and behavior. I had to stop judging myself and other people based on behavior. I started to learn how to observe behavior without making judgments about myself and others. There is a huge difference between judgment in my definition and observation. It is vital for me to observe other people's behavior in order to protect myself. That does not mean I need to make a value judgment about their being based upon their behavior.
Judgment is saying, "that person is a jerk." Observation is saying, "that person seems to be really full of anger and it would be better for me to not be involved with them."

 

[Athene]

My uncle was horribly rude my aunt for a very long time o the point we cried when mum said we were visiting, until one day, I never laughed so much in my life!

My uncle started the usual raising his voice cursing and yelling at her, so she pulled from her pocket, an a4sized red page folded. When she opened it up it was a sign that read "I don't understand-me no speak pig!" his face dropped! I nearly peed my pants! (literally!I was about 10!) auntie carried paper with different words on it with her into shops, restaurants, bars, theatres until he got too embarrassed of what she'd do next he stopped yelling at her.

I think the last one read "my husband likes men-what's a woman to do?" I don't thnk he's ever yelled since!

Brilliant - your aunt is the bomb.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Her husband is causing the scene..they see it..they are already in the middle..Her standing there and doing nothing isnt teaching them anything but that hes getting away with verbally abusing her ...

For all we know they are wondering why she doesnt do anything about it..I would be..

At the very least she should walk off..and then refuse to go anywhere with him again until he promises to stop it..the counselor even said he was making a choice to have a "short fuse"..and he seems to be actually proud of it..

The kids see the facade they are old enough..

Dallas

I certainly don't advocate "standing there and taking it". I didn't in my previous marriage. But, matching his antics with antics of her own wouldn't accomplish anything but further embarrassment for all of them. JMHO

 

[FaithPrevails]

My personal opinion is that threatening divorce as the red highlighted example implies is NEVER a good idea. Better to only mention the next step in the escalating conseqenses rather than lay out the whole what if possibility in such a way as to likely just cause more escalation.

Agreed. It is seen as an ultimatum or a threat and people with anger issues don't respond positively to threats.

 

[dallasapple]

Yes...but if the further embarrasment LEADS to a future of no more embarrasment..then its darkest before the dawn comes to mind.And besides that..your assuming that if Jane called him on it right then and right there that it would even "further embarrass them' in the first place..For all we know they would hi-five her and say its about time..

Dallas

 

[FaithPrevails]

Yes...but if the further embarrasment LEADS to a future of no more embarrasment..then its darkest before the dawn comes to mind.And besides that..your assuming that if Jane called him on it right then and right there that it would even "further embarrass them' in the first place..For all we know they would hi-five her and say its about time..

Dallas

I'm entitled to my opinion and you're entitled to yours. *shrug*