Don't know if I'm married or not!?!

[fishstix]

Next question... he professes belief in God, and says he prays, and he calls himself a Christian, but defines his Christianity very loosely... is liberal. The fact that he does profess Christianity makes me all the more hesitant to just assume that the marriage never was real, and won't last.
-AJ

I would actually look at that from the other direction. Someone who would pretend to be in love with you and lure you into marriage just to get what he wants would likely also pretend to be a Christian just to get what he wants. If he claims to be a Christian but doesn't even attempt to walk the walk then you probably have less of a chance of a real marriage than if he didn't claim Christianity at all.

We did live together for some time after the marriage, and he knew me before we were married... just enough so that when we did go to the interview, his knowledge of me and his lawyer's help enabled him to actually get the official green card. In about 3 months from now, they (INS) are going to check up on him to see if there is proof we are still living together (photos, addresses on bills , etc), so he will be trying to sweeten me up to get these things from me.

Don't let him use you again. Don't lie for him; don't let him convince you to play his game.

Am I willing to be his fool twice? No way! The only hope I have is if God miraculously works a change in him. I guess that I am waiting for that. People tell me I am too kind, and don't have a tough enough or mean enough side to me. I don't know... I have always been brought up in an atmosphere (church) where we were always reminded of God's grace and power in doing miracles in people's hearts. I guess the big question is... should I be just and give him what he deserves for lying and decieving me (run in with the INS, and possible deportation), or should I wait and trust in God to show him grace and forgiveness and a second chance. ?????

Lying to the authorities and pretending that everything is ok and you have a wonderful marriage, etc. is not doing yourself *or* him any favors. All it's doing is allowing him to keep on living a lie and using people to get what he wants. That includes not just you but probably each and every person he is in contact with - such as those women he is seeing. Do him a favor and let him face the consequences of his actions, even if it means that he gets deported. At the start you probably aren't in a huge amount of trouble - you're a victim in the situation as he lied to you. However if you start playing along and lying for him and pretending that everything is ok when it is not then you eventually may be in legal trouble yourself too. The longer you wait before letting the authorities know, the more likely that there will be problems for you. And if you tell them before they find out on their own, it will be more likely that you will be considered a victim rather than an accessory. It's probably best to consult a lawyer, as people have said, but do it with the goal of ultimately being honest with the authorities and letting your husband face the consequences of his actions. Don't do it out of anger or revenge. Do it out of honesty and wanting to help this guy to quit lying and using people. Letting a person face the consequences of his actions is often ultimately the kindest thing that one can do. After all, that's very often how God deals with us while we're here on Earth. He doesn't lie to cover up for us. He forgives us but that doesn't mean that He takes the earthly consequences away. And God should be the one setting the example for us.

 

[dasielady]

I agree with fishstix above.

 

[Sketcher]

If I were to look for grounds for cheating, there would be alot, I guess. He told me openly he was going out with other women, he shows me their pictures, he goes on out of town trips, and every other time he manages to convince me to visit him (for friendship only) he makes sure that the Trojan label from a new box of condoms is conveniently on the top of the trash in his kitchen, and when I'm with him in his car, and he asks me to get something for him out of the glove compartment, I have to root through piles of condoms. He's not used any on me, so who else is he using them with? That's how obvious he is.

Several have mentioned annulment, which is what I originally thought of... but I learned that you have to start that process either a month, or 3 months after the marriage, and it's been almost 2 yrs. now.

-AJ

Well, in that case, you do have the right to divorce. Remarraige is still sketchy, though.

Annulment is not Biblical. Divorcing because they cheated on you is. Remarraige after said divorce MIGHT be, but I don't like "might". I like something solid, many times this exception is not mentioned and we may even be misinterpreting it so the loophole might not even exist. If there was overwhelming Biblical evidence that remarraige is a Godly option, I would think differently, but I fail to find it. If it was my call, I think I'd be more lenient, but it's not my call. It's God's call.

 

[dasielady]

Well, in that case, you do have the right to divorce. Remarraige is still sketchy, though.

Annulment is not Biblical. Divorcing because they cheated on you is. Remarraige after said divorce MIGHT be, but I don't like "might". I like something solid, many times this exception is not mentioned and we may even be misinterpreting it so the loophole might not even exist. If there was overwhelming Biblical evidence that remarraige is a Godly option, I would think differently, but I fail to find it. If it was my call, I think I'd be more lenient, but it's not my call. It's God's call.

Each state has its own laws regarding annulment. When I got divorced, I had to look into an annulment, and for my state it was for the use of "declaring the marriage illegal in the first place". For example... had I married my cousin and not known we were related, or had we gotten married and then found out he was still married to someone else. A situation like that would have made my marriage illegal in the first place.

As far as annulment not being biblical, let me ask this...
If a couple gets married, and later finds out that it was illegal for them to get married in the first place, then what would God say about the union? What does the law say about the union? I know this is a touchy area here, but I just don't conclude annulment as sinful just because it is not mentioned in the Bible. In those times, two people generally did not marry illegally because marriages were arranged, or forced by another party.

Just a few thoughts.
But for the original poster--- I still advise you to consult a Christian attorney to figure out your rights and responsibilities, under federal, state AND God's law.

 

[Sketcher]

As far as annulment not being biblical, let me ask this...
If a couple gets married, and later finds out that it was illegal for them to get married in the first place, then what would God say about the union? What does the law say about the union? I know this is a touchy area here, but I just don't conclude annulment as sinful just because it is not mentioned in the Bible. In those times, two people generally did not marry illegally because marriages were arranged, or forced by another party.

I don't care much about what the law says, but what God says about the union. If a brother unknowingly marrys his biological sister (maybe a wieeerd adoption case, but bear with me) God still sees it as incest, not a marraige. If someone with a living spouse marrys someone else who did or didn't know about it, God sees that as adultery, not a marraige. If two gays decide to get married by anybody, God sees that as homosexuality, not a marraige. So "annulment" only works if the two did not legitimately marry in God's eyes. Annulment for any and every reason, just like divorce, is wrong.

I believe we should put God first and the law second. Even if our law provides for a divorce or annulment in a way that is more lenient than Scripture, we should follow the higher standards of Scripture.

 

[aeyler]

Someone who would pretend to be in love with you and lure you into marriage just to get what he wants would likely also pretend to be a Christian just to get what he wants. If he claims to be a Christian but doesn't even attempt to walk the walk then you probably have less of a chance of a real marriage than if he didn't claim Christianity at all.

Unfortunately, I have to agree with you on this one. His claiming to be a Christian, and then doing this terrible thing with no guilt whatsoever makes me think there is less hope for resolving this situation in a positive way. It sort of reminds me of the verse in the Bible where the lukewarm Christian is compared to warm water being spit out of someone's mouth. It's better to be hot or cold.

To daisielady, thank you for your advice ... one thing... I am hesitant to contact a lawyer or the INS. I am not sure why... I hate to betray this guy or act hostiley toward him, because of my feelings for him and my hope that he will turn around. I am too kind, that's a problem for me all the time.

-AJ

 

[fishstix]

To daisielady, thank you for your advice ... one thing... I am hesitant to contact a lawyer or the INS. I am not sure why... I hate to betray this guy or act hostiley toward him, because of my feelings for him and my hope that he will turn around. I am too kind, that's a problem for me all the time.

-AJ

The thing is, not telling anyone is not doing him any favors. Especially when you consider the long term effect of his current actions on his own soul. The kindest thing that you can do for him is to report him and have him deal with the consequences of his actions. Sure it's not going to be pleasant for him temporarily, but that's often how we learn and grow best - by dealing with the consequences of our actions. Reporting him and refusing to let him use you anymore is *not* acting hostile, nor is it betraying him. Allowing him to continue a pattern of lying to and manipulating those around him would ultimately be betraying him, and to someone a lot worse than human authorities.

 

[Tink]

The thing is, not telling anyone is not doing him any favors. Especially when you consider the long term effect of his current actions on his own soul. The kindest thing that you can do for him is to report him and have him deal with the consequences of his actions. Sure it's not going to be pleasant for him temporarily, but that's often how we learn and grow best - by dealing with the consequences of our actions. Reporting him and refusing to let him use you anymore is *not* acting hostile, nor is it betraying him. Allowing him to continue a pattern of lying to and manipulating those around him would ultimately be betraying him, and to someone a lot worse than human authorities.

 

[dasielady]

The thing is, not telling anyone is not doing him any favors. Especially when you consider the long term effect of his current actions on his own soul. The kindest thing that you can do for him is to report him and have him deal with the consequences of his actions. Sure it's not going to be pleasant for him temporarily, but that's often how we learn and grow best - by dealing with the consequences of our actions. Reporting him and refusing to let him use you anymore is *not* acting hostile, nor is it betraying him. Allowing him to continue a pattern of lying to and manipulating those around him would ultimately be betraying him, and to someone a lot worse than human authorities.

Have you tried looking for any christian legal websites? I have seen legal forums that post answers to legal questions there. Perhaps you could try that to have some questions answered?

 

[forgivenmuch]

like fishstix said, you could get in trouble your own self, and thats true. the guy dont love you. you were used. i am sorry 4 ur troubles but if your just going to stand by and let him do it,,, then what could anyone say to help u see the truth. you claim to be a christian but yet your living a lie. you need to turn the man in and do what you need to do. he is very selfish. if you are attracted to this kind of a realationship.. get counsling. you have been violated by this man. he needs God in his life... but he dont want God.. he wants freedom in the united states..but not freedom with God. its his choice to turn away from what hes doing. and its yours to get away from him and do the right thing. call a lawyer..tell them what has happened .. if you dont..you will reap what you sow.. we all do... thats a part of life.. God bless

 

[aeyler]

i am sorry 4 ur troubles but if your just going to stand by and let him do it, then what could anyone say to help u see the truth. you claim to be a christian but yet your living a lie. you need to turn the man in and do what you need to do. he is very selfish. if you are attracted to this kind of a realationship.. get counsling. you have been violated by this man. he needs God in his life... but he dont want God.. he wants freedom in the united states..but not freedom with God. its his choice to turn away from what hes doing. and its yours to get away from him and do the right thing. call a lawyer..tell them what has happened .. if you dont..you will reap what you sow.. we all do... thats a part of life.. God bless

To forgiven much... thank you for your reply. However, I was so sorry to see that you implied that I wasn't a Christian. I am a Christian, searching for advice, not for people to criticize. I am not living a lie, I am turning to Christian friends here for advice. Both of my parents are Christian, and have been for years, and neither of them encouraged me to turn in this man. They advised me to wait it out, pray, and hope for the best. Fishstix is the first person who advised me to take legal action, which I have been thinking about since he and the others have brought it up. Just imagine, I married this guy (the one getting the green card) fully believing that it was a real marriage, fully loving him. If you ever hear stories of people in love, you would know that love is blind, and it takes some time to realize that the one you love is using or decieving you. You don't just immediately jump up and take action, you need time to absorb the truth and do what needs to be done.

 

[Serapha]

Maybe somebody can give me some advice here, so I can figure out if I am married or not. !

I live in the US. So, I met a gorgeous, handsome, European guy 2 years ago, and we hit it off. It was like he could read my mind and understand me, we had an amazing personality connection and felt natural with each other. We dated almost two months, and Surprise... he proposed to me. I was so shocked he proposed without really knowing me well. I said yes, but my family was even more shocked, and warned me that he could be chasing me to marry me and get his green card through me, instead of marrying me because he loved me. I took the warning and gave him his ring back a couple days later, and he was totally crushed. I felt very bad, and months later started going out with him again... and... he proposed again (!) This time I had gotten to know him better... I loved him and he said he loved me, so I said yes. OK.

Little did I know what happened next. I found out days after the marriage that he had tricked me into marrying him just so he could get his 'green card' so he could stay in the United States. My family's warnings from before were not so silly. A few days after the marriage, he tells me that he married me for the card, and he wants to kick me out of the house because I'm putting relationship pressure on him. But I am shocked and can't move out and leave him because I had comitted to our marriage, and had moved across the state to be with him, and had nobody else I knew who could take me in, since I was new to the area. He eventually relents and we stay 'together' but it is half hearted, and in another few months he gets angry and tells me he is kicking me out, and that the only use he has for me is the green card, that he doesn't love me and never did. That really made my heart break, and he did manage to force me to leave... fortunately I was able to move in with another family. Crazily enough, my heart is still with him. Maybe it's because he abandoned me, and the shock of that won't let me experience real feelings, like hatred of him and dislike of him. I do hate what he did, but I feel like I won't ever give up on him, and want him back.

The odd thing about this situation is that he occasionally does tell me he loves me, and that he often thinks I'm attractive and cute, and pretty, and the whole nine yards... but he doesn't let it go any farther, and if I try to encourage it to go farther, he gets angry and jerks away. He openly tells me he is dating other women, and he encourages me to date other men. I sometimes wonder if he plays it sweet with me just enough so that I don't get upset and report him. Anyway, in his mind, he never married me... it's just a small document in the courthouse that says we're married... he doesn't want anyone else to know, and he doesn't acknowledge that we are or should be together. He wants to be my best friend (so he can keep track of me and make sure I won't report him to the government) but he wants nothing more.

My question is... in God's eyes, am I married or not? Should I feel guilt over going out with other men right now? Should I try to get our "marriage" back together, or should I act as though it never took place? Should I feel terrible when he hints that he's going out with other women, or should I pretend it doesn't hurt me like a knife in the back? Should I keep hoping he will want me some day, or should I get on with my life? I have options right now where a job might be leading me out of state (5 hours away from him) and I don't know if leaving is a good idea or not. Should I relocate with a clear conscious, or should I feel guilty contemplating even thinking of leaving the state where he could easily get back together with me. ???? Would I be damaging our marriage by leaving, or was I simply never married in the first place, as he says.????

Does anyone know any verses from the Bible that could point me in a positive direction? Much thanks!!! -AJ.

Hi there!




First of all ... withdraw you petition to the government ... it is a form I-130 that you would have filed for your spouse to gain citizenship. It will prevent him from gaining citizenship to the United States based upon your marriage


Second, call a divorce lawyer.

Third, You were purposefully deceived by your spouse; however, pray about your situation until you have a clear understanding from God on what He wants for your life. Your spouse made a vow that he had no intention of keeping... therefore, there is no covenant with God in that marriage.




"Knowing this: that the law is not made for a righteous person, but for the lawless and insubordinate, for the ungodly and for sinners, for the unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, for fornicators, for sodomites, for kidnappers, for liars, for perjurers, and if there is any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine,"
-1 Timothy 1:9-10 (NKJV)


~serapha~

 

[forgivenmuch]

I Was Not Meaning You Was Not A Christian. I Am Just Giving You My Advice On What I See That You Wrote. You Say You Love Him And You Know That He Is Cheating On You And That You Know He Has Used You For A Green Card. It Seems You Took Me Wrong. I Am Saying That If You Allow This Man Who Is Your Husband .. And You Know He Is Breaking The Law.. And Used You .. Then Why Are You Being Used Like This? I Was Only Concerned For You Is All.. I Believe You Are A Christian. I Also Believe You Are A Victim Here. If That Was Me.. In Your Place I Would Turn Him In And Let The Authorites Tend To The Matter. But I Could Be Wrong. If You Love Him Thats Hard.. And I Know It Is. I Also Was Meaning..dont Live A Lie .. Thinking Everything Will Be Ok In The Long Run..

 

[TheMainException]

I would take that job far away and pretend like it never happened...that's not based biblically...but you might, after a while, get a divorce, or just divorce him now and get it over with. If he threatens you, report him, stay safe though. With love, I'll be praying, Lauren

 

[fishstix]

I would take that job far away and pretend like it never happened...that's not based biblically...but you might, after a while, get a divorce, or just divorce him now and get it over with. If he threatens you, report him, stay safe though. With love, I'll be praying, Lauren

While moving far away might be a good idea, pretending that it never happened would not. It did happen and legally there is still a marriage there, and a guy committing fraud - that needs to be dealt with not ignored. Quite often when one just pretends something didn't happen without actually dealing with it it comes back to haunt them later in life. It is best to deal with things rather than avoiding doing anything and pretending that nothing happened. Denial is not a good option.

 

[InTheFlame]

Aeyler - *huggggggggggg*

I hope you work this out.

One thing I'd suggest - whatever you do, do it prayerfully and aware of your own motivations. Don't do anything for revenge - it'll hurt you more than him. Personally, I think you should be going to the relevant authorities and reporting what he's done. NOT to get back at him, but because he's done the wrong thing and should take the consequences of those actions. That's how God tends to work - he loves us, and he doesn't angrily punish us when we do the wrong thing, but he generally doesn't shield us from the consequences of our actions, either.

God bless!

 

[rockwell]

I dont know how it feels to be treated like a thing to achieve something (citizenship in this case) and you got all the right to be angry at this man; but what i do know is that if you report him to immigration while you are angry at him all your hopes of him becoming a true christian and a good husband (cos i think you really liked the guy) will be gone. Pray heaps and dont do anything in the heat of the moment. remember that God is a patient God so get some advice from pastors and close friends and your Christian nuclear family and above all seek God's will through prayer and fasting.
May God grant you the wisdom you need to do the right thing cos anything that it's not done in wisdom is done with a proud and revengeful heart.

God bless

 

[daisypromise]

Hi

I think you are married. I would advise you to seek God about what that means for you and your life now and what he wants you to do. You never know what God may have in store or could do with this man.

I too would advise you to consider prayerfully going to immigration - it may not be God's will for you. I also advise you, if you do go to immigration to do so with support. I don't want to sound dramatic but he could turn nasty about it and you may need to be protected in some way. I also agree with the person who advised you to find a pastor. This is not something I would advise you to dael with alone.

Hope that helps

love Sara xxxxx