Don't know if I'm married or not!?!

[aeyler]

Maybe somebody can give me some advice here, so I can figure out if I am married or not. !

I live in the US. So, I met a gorgeous, handsome, European guy 2 years ago, and we hit it off. It was like he could read my mind and understand me, we had an amazing personality connection and felt natural with each other. We dated almost two months, and Surprise... he proposed to me. I was so shocked he proposed without really knowing me well. I said yes, but my family was even more shocked, and warned me that he could be chasing me to marry me and get his green card through me, instead of marrying me because he loved me. I took the warning and gave him his ring back a couple days later, and he was totally crushed. I felt very bad, and months later started going out with him again... and... he proposed again (!) This time I had gotten to know him better... I loved him and he said he loved me, so I said yes. OK.

Little did I know what happened next. I found out days after the marriage that he had tricked me into marrying him just so he could get his 'green card' so he could stay in the United States. My family's warnings from before were not so silly. A few days after the marriage, he tells me that he married me for the card, and he wants to kick me out of the house because I'm putting relationship pressure on him. But I am shocked and can't move out and leave him because I had comitted to our marriage, and had moved across the state to be with him, and had nobody else I knew who could take me in, since I was new to the area. He eventually relents and we stay 'together' but it is half hearted, and in another few months he gets angry and tells me he is kicking me out, and that the only use he has for me is the green card, that he doesn't love me and never did. That really made my heart break, and he did manage to force me to leave... fortunately I was able to move in with another family. Crazily enough, my heart is still with him. Maybe it's because he abandoned me, and the shock of that won't let me experience real feelings, like hatred of him and dislike of him. I do hate what he did, but I feel like I won't ever give up on him, and want him back.

The odd thing about this situation is that he occasionally does tell me he loves me, and that he often thinks I'm attractive and cute, and pretty, and the whole nine yards... but he doesn't let it go any farther, and if I try to encourage it to go farther, he gets angry and jerks away. He openly tells me he is dating other women, and he encourages me to date other men. I sometimes wonder if he plays it sweet with me just enough so that I don't get upset and report him. Anyway, in his mind, he never married me... it's just a small document in the courthouse that says we're married... he doesn't want anyone else to know, and he doesn't acknowledge that we are or should be together. He wants to be my best friend (so he can keep track of me and make sure I won't report him to the government) but he wants nothing more.

My question is... in God's eyes, am I married or not? Should I feel guilt over going out with other men right now? Should I try to get our "marriage" back together, or should I act as though it never took place? Should I feel terrible when he hints that he's going out with other women, or should I pretend it doesn't hurt me like a knife in the back? Should I keep hoping he will want me some day, or should I get on with my life? I have options right now where a job might be leading me out of state (5 hours away from him) and I don't know if leaving is a good idea or not. Should I relocate with a clear conscious, or should I feel guilty contemplating even thinking of leaving the state where he could easily get back together with me. ???? Would I be damaging our marriage by leaving, or was I simply never married in the first place, as he says.????

Does anyone know any verses from the Bible that could point me in a positive direction? Much thanks!!! -AJ.

 

[Sketcher]

Unfortunately, you are married and stuck to this guy. Unless he was married to someone else who isn't dead, in which case your marraige is invalid. Matthew 19:9 is where that comes from, outright cheating on you is the only reason that God would allow a no-fault divorce. He wasn't married to you, then decided to sleep with another woman, he just used you. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

This isn't what you want to hear, but pray for him. God might get a hold of him and bring him back to you someday. He's been known to do that, and it is a truly awesome work. Another guy is not an option unless you find out with honest facts that he was married to someone else before you who is still alive. Or unless he dies.

 

[Lyle]

Yes, you're married.. But if you needed to, you can seek legal action against this.

 

[Tink]

I would suggest that you IMMEDIATELY gain the advice of a local pastor in accordance with your faith. I'm praying for you.

In Christ,
Tink

 

[daveleau]

Wow. I am sorry for your situation. I will pray that the man relents and becomes the husband he should be.

3 questions that may pertain:
1- Is he seeking other relationships?
2- Have you been intimate?
3- Does he profess Christianity?

 

[dasielady]

Here is what I think:
1) You married him whole heartedly, but you did it in the assumption that he was marrying you for YOU, not for citizenship. So, your union is based on a half-lie on his part.

2) To my knowledge, The bible says that if a non-christian is willing to live with and love a Christian(you) then the Christian should stay with them. Search the bible for answers about marriage and divorce. You will see that God allows divorce when a spouse, is unfaithful (which applies to your situation). You will also see that the Christian spouse is not obligated to stay married to the non-christian if the non-christian initiates the separation and refuses to "be together". Read Ezra 10:1-3. In reference to this my study bible says "It was indeed a drastic measure, but the need for obedience to God's commands... lead to the distinction of the "marriage"...sharing a bed rather than establishing a home. Each case was considered carefully before making a determination about whether to continue or dissolve the union."

3) Spouses should never entie one another to do wrong, but if that happens, each one's first obligation is to obey Christ. Now the Bible says to obey the law. Is is lawful for you to knowingly allow your "husband" to get away with his scam on the greeen card?

4) Know that Christ has never required divorce, but rather permitted it in certain situations because he know of the hardness of peoples hearts (like your husbands). Jesus says that only if a spouse has done something that irreparably ruptures the parriage can such a divorce be right. Read the verse Mark 10:11-12. Think of it this way, Judgement is placed on the person who remarries after pursuing an illegitimate divorce. If the divorce is invalid, so is the rremarriage. But the reverse is also true: if the divorce is valid, then remarriage is acceptable.
5) Search your heart for whether he really ever loved you or not. Speak with a pastor that you trust. Pray about it. Give a little time to the situation to "wait and see". Consider what could happen to you if the authorities found out the reason for the marriage was the green card, and pray about that too.

Good luck, on this one! God will help you figure it all out.

 

[fishstix]

Quite honestly, if I were you I most certainly would report him to the government (the sooner the better) and then see what happens from there.

For one thing, think about the other women he is dating. I'm guessing that he probably doesn't tell any of them that he's married. That's the kind of thing that would be extremely important for them to know, especially if any of them ever gets to the point where they want to consider marrying him...

 

[Lyle]

You will see that God allows divorce when a spouse, is unfaithful

Does not the Bible say rather, for fornication?

 

[Ashlynn]

I too would contact immigration and tell them what is happening- especially since he "kicked you out"- Im not completely sure, but just being married isnt enough to keep him in this country. You would have had to have lived together, and you have to go on an interview together and such. If he kicked you out, how can he possibly know enough about you to be convincing about living together as man and wife? He still needs you. He's done it once and he will do it again- he will be nice to you and get back into your good graces until this part is done and then dump you again. Are you willing to be his fool twice?
Im not certain of all of this but do contact the immigration office as soon as you can and get what information you can.
You say you still love him and want him back...I dont know why when he was so conniving and devious with you- do you think he will automatically change? You need to go to a pastor or counselor about your marriage. If in deed it is that.

 

[bliz]

I would contact a Christian lawyer who specilizes in family law.

You may well have legal grounds to annul this marriage. There ws no meeting of the minds here. One could argue that this was never a real marriage, which is what an annulment means. You were deceived into this marriage. When a contract is made where one party deceives the others, it is not legally binding. Personally I don't think God waits to catch people in technicalities.

I would chat with that lawyer before you contact immigration. How likely are they to believe your story? Will they think that you knew all along that the marriage was to get him "green card" - after all, you were warned about this in the first place. (I am not saying that you knew... I'm suggesting that others might.)

 

[aeyler]

Thankyou to everyone who responded to my question. To daisylady, Thankyou!! so much! I will look up the Bible references. I don't want to do anything too hastily in responding to him (the guy who married me), and I want to have Biblical reasons for what I do.

Wow. I am sorry for your situation. I will pray that the man relents and becomes the husband he should be.


3 questions that may pertain:
1- Is he seeking other relationships?
2- Have you been intimate?
3- Does he profess Christianity?

In response to these questions... Yes, he is seeking other relationships, and he often shows me photos of some of his girlfriends, which makes me so upset and angry... he tells me I should feel free to go out with other men, because he is going out with other women. Next question... were we intimate... yes, while we were dating, and during the first few days and months of the marriage, and then after he told me he married me only for the green card, the physical side just slowly died. Next question... he professes belief in God, and says he prays, and he calls himself a Christian, but defines his Christianity very loosely... is liberal. The fact that he does profess Christianity makes me all the more hesitant to just assume that the marriage never was real, and won't last.

-AJ

 

[aeyler]

I too would contact immigration and tell them what is happening- especially since he "kicked you out"- Im not completely sure, but just being married isnt enough to keep him in this country. You would have had to have lived together, and you have to go on an interview together and such. If he kicked you out, how can he possibly know enough about you to be convincing about living together as man and wife? He still needs you. He's done it once and he will do it again- he will be nice to you and get back into your good graces until this part is done and then dump you again. Are you willing to be his fool twice?
Im not certain of all of this but do contact the immigration office as soon as you can and get what information you can.
You say you still love him and want him back...I dont know why when he was so conniving and devious with you- do you think he will automatically change? You need to go to a pastor or counselor about your marriage. If in deed it is that.

We did live together for some time after the marriage, and he knew me before we were married... just enough so that when we did go to the interview, his knowledge of me and his lawyer's help enabled him to actually get the official green card. In about 3 months from now, they (INS) are going to check up on him to see if there is proof we are still living together (photos, addresses on bills , etc), so he will be trying to sweeten me up to get these things from me.

Am I willing to be his fool twice? No way! The only hope I have is if God miraculously works a change in him. I guess that I am waiting for that. People tell me I am too kind, and don't have a tough enough or mean enough side to me. I don't know... I have always been brought up in an atmosphere (church) where we were always reminded of God's grace and power in doing miracles in people's hearts. I guess the big question is... should I be just and give him what he deserves for lying and decieving me (run in with the INS, and possible deportation), or should I wait and trust in God to show him grace and forgiveness and a second chance. ?????

 

[dasielady]

I would contact a Christian lawyer who specilizes in family law.

You may well have legal grounds to annul this marriage. There ws no meeting of the minds here. One could argue that this was never a real marriage, which is what an annulment means. You were deceived into this marriage. When a contract is made where one party deceives the others, it is not legally binding. Personally I don't think God waits to catch people in technicalities.

I would chat with that lawyer before you contact immigration. How likely are they to believe your story? Will they think that you knew all along that the marriage was to get him "green card" - after all, you were warned about this in the first place. (I am not saying that you knew... I'm suggesting that others might.)

I totally agree with this here. An annulement might be possible. I didn't think of that.

 

[Macrina]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I agree with the suggestion that you speak with a Christian lawyer who practices family law. About dating other men -- I think that since you are legally married, no matter what the actual situation is, that you will need to resolve the marriage issue before you look into other relationships. Consider an annulment.

I know that you hold out hope for this to work out, but remember that can only happen if he repents of his sin. He has sinned against the government and against YOU. Protecting him from the consequences of his sin (both legal and relational) will not help. You do not need to be vindictive in order to report him and see that justice is done. He ought not to treat you that way without answering for it according to the law. You deserve better.

As you consult a lawyer and consider your options, please remember that this is NOT YOUR FAULT and HE is the one to blame. It takes two people to make a marriage work. If he is willing to go to marriage counseling with you, leave behind his girlfriends, and make this a real marriage -- well, then there is hope. But if he is determined to use you and say this isn't a "real" marriage, then what can you do?

Again, I'm sorry to hear about this. I pray for you.

Macrina

 

[Sketcher]

I would check up on his past and see if he left another woman he was married to. It seems like it is within his character.

As much as it hurt me to say what I said, I stand by the fact that Scripture does not allow divorce unless the spouse was cheating. Period.

 

[eviltangerine]

I would check up on his past and see if he left another woman he was married to. It seems like it is within his character.

As much as it hurt me to say what I said, I stand by the fact that Scripture does not allow divorce unless the spouse was cheating. Period.

er, not to get nit-picky, but isn't him going out and having girlfriends considered cheating? The fact that he has photographs to prove it is even worse. So that'd make it (in your eyes) valid for her to get a divorce/annulment, right?

my side: break this off and contact the authorities. The fact that he's using you to get his green card is wrong on so many levels. You can pray, and I'll pray that he turns around, but I believe that it may be better for you to disconnect yourself from him at this time.

 

[dasielady]

To the original poster---I just wanted to let you know that I would really like an update when you decide what you are going to do, or what happens.

 

[dasielady]

I would check up on his past and see if he left another woman he was married to. It seems like it is within his character.

As much as it hurt me to say what I said, I stand by the fact that Scripture does not allow divorce unless the spouse was cheating. Period.

To repliant who says that divorce is only allowed by cheating....
Let me question, isn't dating other women with the intentions of being with them.... while married to someone else.... considered cheating?

According to the bible, one does not need to have sex with someone to be guilty of the lust associated with it. I know that lust and cheating are not the same thing here... but I just wanted to speculate the possibility that his actions *might* be considered as cheating because he has denounced her as his wife and is having relationships (possibly sexual) with other women. Besides, if he were to break all contact with her, and have another girlfriend , even if he claimed that they did not have sex, would'nt at least that be "cheating"? I am not being snide or flippant here, I am really just posing the question honestly:
Do you have to have SOLID unrefutable proof (admission or eyewitness of the intercourse) that he has been sexual with another woman, or would other evidence (like admission of a new girlfriend and photos to boot!) be permissible to dignify a christian to get a divorce?

 

[aeyler]

To repliant who says that divorce is only allowed by cheating....
Let me question, isn't dating other women with the intentions of being with them.... while married to someone else.... considered cheating?

According to the bible, one does not need to have sex with someone to be guilty of the lust associated with it. I know that lust and cheating are not the same thing here... but I just wanted to speculate the possibility that his actions *might* be considered as cheating because he has denounced her as his wife and is having relationships (possibly sexual) with other women. Besides, if he were to break all contact with her, and have another girlfriend , even if he claimed that they did not have sex, would'nt at least that be "cheating"? I am not being snide or flippant here, I am really just posing the question honestly:
Do you have to have SOLID unrefutable proof (admission or eyewitness of the intercourse) that he has been sexual with another woman, or would other evidence (like admission of a new girlfriend and photos to boot!) be permissible to dignify a christian to get a divorce?

If I were to look for grounds for cheating, there would be alot, I guess. He told me openly he was going out with other women, he shows me their pictures, he goes on out of town trips, and every other time he manages to convince me to visit him (for friendship only) he makes sure that the Trojan label from a new box of condoms is conveniently on the top of the trash in his kitchen, and when I'm with him in his car, and he asks me to get something for him out of the glove compartment, I have to root through piles of condoms. He's not used any on me, so who else is he using them with? That's how obvious he is.

Several have mentioned annulment, which is what I originally thought of... but I learned that you have to start that process either a month, or 3 months after the marriage, and it's been almost 2 yrs. now.

-AJ

 

[bkg]

I would contact a Christian lawyer who specilizes in family law.

You may well have legal grounds to annul this marriage. There ws no meeting of the minds here. One could argue that this was never a real marriage, which is what an annulment means. You were deceived into this marriage. When a contract is made where one party deceives the others, it is not legally binding. Personally I don't think God waits to catch people in technicalities.

Is annulment Biblical? I did a quick search on bible.com but came up with nothing. I'm very curious about this, actually, as my studies have come up empty on anything related to this....

If all that it takes to have a "annul-able" marriage is that there be no "meeting of teh minds", what about all of those people who are divorced because their spouse really didn't mean "until death do us part"? Is that not grounds for a non legally binding marriage as well?

I agree that God doesn't use technicalities - this is (sad to say, I'm afraid) a real marriage in God's eyes.