Does this sound like OCD?

[flowerforever7]

Hi,

I have severe OCD / scrupulosity. Sometimes I have trouble discerning what are my thoughts and what is OCD. I'm asking for honest clarification on this:

This is a typical pattern: for some reason I will get an urge to deny myself something, it could be for no reason at all (or it could be for a sensitive spiritual conviction). Sometimes I make a vow about it. When I get this urge to deny myself (which happens a lot) I also want to do what it was I set out to do. I feel frusterated in my heart and then phrase f*ck you comes out in my heart toward the Holy Spirit. I hate that this happens; but my frusteration is honest frusteration that I am feeling prompted to deny myself. After this happens I feel like I can no longer do that thing anymore ever because to me it feels like it would validate breaking a vow to God, and / or cursing at the Holy Spirit.

Your honest evaluation of this is appreciated.

Thanks.

 

[BeccaLynn]

I think I can relate to what you are saying. I often feel like I'm supposed to deny myself something or do something different than what I had intended or wanted and that it's part of "denying" my fleshly desires and bending my will to God's will for He knows best. It's like if I don't listen I think that I'm ignoring God and going my own way, but if I do, am I just giving into more ocd-like demands or requiring something of myself that isn't really God, leaving me feeling frustrated as well. Is this like what you mean?

I do have scrupulosity ocd and a minister friend once pretty much told me that I seem to deny myself things a lot that I think God isn't wanting me to do, etc., that he really doesn't himself see as God.

 

[Jonathan95]

Hi, read this, helped me:

Scrupulosity: Blackmailed by OCD in the Name of God | OCD Chicago

God bless.

 

[flowerforever7]

Here are 11 examples of situations. Your feedback on any of them or general feedback is appreciated. Thanks.


Example 1:
This morning, I decided to deny myself of something for someone else. I wasn't sure how long I had decided this time period to be for (I don't think I specified it in my mind, or if I did I wasn’t sure how long it was specified for). I went downstairs and came back up again and again wasn't sure how long I had agreed to fast from this thing. I have been wanting to buy these Christian shirts online. There is a sale today, so I went to the website (feeling guilty that I may have been fasting. Also, since tomorrow is black friday I thought that I would buy a shirt maybe then (but in my heart I took this as a vow to God). As I was looking through the website, it occurred to me that I couldn't look at a specific section of the webpage because I vowed not to prior (can't remember why). Anyway, I think I got irritated at this and cursed toward the Holy Spirit in my heart, so I left the page and did not buy anything, and then was wondering if I bought anything in the future from that site if it would be approving of the anger toward God's Spirit.

Example 2:
A few days ago, I was thinking about a shirt I wanted to get from that website, before the above example took place. For some reason I had agreed to fast or deny myself of something (of course when you fast you deny yourself of what is pleasing to you). I think I thought that if I think about that shirt while I was denying myself then I could no longer get it I made a mental vow. Well guess what happened, I thought of the shirt, so I felt like getting it would be going against my vow and God. Of course I felt frustrated at this.

Example 3:
I was on Facebook and going through people I may know. I saw someone I knew, whose profile I had seen before. I had made a mental vow I believe to God prior that I would not click on this person’s profile. In the picture I noticed the person looked kind of sad (I just lost a friend to suicide). I thought that maybe I should click on their profile and see what’s up (but that could have been a cover to really do what I want to do – click on the profile). As I was about to click on the profile, I remembered my vow, felt frustrated, and the phrase f*ck you came out toward the Holy Spirit. I decided not to click on the profile.

Example 4:
One night I was trying to think pleasant thoughts. I do some makeup artistry, but found out that I have to have a license to do that in a state I am planning to move to. So I have been planning to go to esthetician school once I move. I was thinking about how I could do bridal makeup. Then, I started to think about how makeup is really a form of falsehood/deception and started to think that on a person's wedding day, [also because this is a ceremony before God] that a person should be as natural as possible and should maybe even forego makeup because it is a form of deception. Or at least that I should not be promoting deception myself by applying makeup to someone's face for this type of occasion. (I have struggled with feeling convicted about this for a while.) I started to get frustrated, and had a quick burst of anger and the word f* you shot out while I was picturing the Holy Spirit. I felt so angry afterward! I hate that I do this / this happens! So basically, of course because I did that I felt that I could no longer use any of the products I was thinking about using or do the makeup artistry thing because of my curse toward the Holy Spirit. Then, I thought, well it was just about wedding makeup so maybe I can still do makeup artistry, just not wedding makeup artistry. Then I thought with conviction well I will just not do wedding makeup artistry. Then I remembered that in esthetician school this is most likely something you are taught, and as a career as an esthetician in a salon you will be asked to perform regularly. So now I can't go to esthetician school because I would ultimately be doing wedding makeup artistry and would be breaking my vow not to, and would also be sinning against God & the Holy Spirit by choosing to do this because I feel convicted about it and more so because of the frustration I felt at denying myself of this and the word f* you toward His Holy Spirit. What are your thoughts of this situation?

Example 5:
Another time I felt compelled to fast from some design stuff because I felt like I was ruminating on it too much. Then I desired to do something with design got frustrated that I couldn’t and the phrase f*ck you came out really fast and aggressive toward the Holy Spirit. I have not used any of the design programs I learned since, and have not put them on my resume, because I feel like using them or benefiting from them would be an affront to God since I had such a bad thought against God’s Spirit at my being frustrated from denying myself of them.

Example 6:
Same thing happened when I wanted to use Crest Whitestrips one time, felt compelled to fast from doing so, or was fasting from something and got frustrated could not use them and the same thing happened, and now I feel like I cannot use this or brighten my teeth.

Example 7:
I made a vow that I could not work for a specific company; can’t remember why. So, if I do I feel like I will be going against my vow and sinning against God.

Example 8:
I had been looking for portfolios to showcase my work in. The one I have is getting tattered. I made various vows not to use certain kinds for various reasons. So I didn’t get those. Then in a moment of frustration I vowed that I would not get any online or offline. So, now I feel like I cannot get another portfolio or I would be breaking my vow and sinning against God.

Example 9:
I thought about using a slideshow application on my website; but cannot because I vowed not to use a slideshow application (cannot remember why).

Example 10:
I vowed to God that I would only use a specific kind of font for the title of my website (cannot remember why); so I feel like I cannot change it.

Example 10 (from a previous post of mine on this site):
“I do photography and have been told I am talented at it. I have felt guilty about doing photography because the Scripture in Deuteronomy talks about not making graven images of anything in Heaven above or the earth below. In light of this, I feel in my heart like my photography is a sin. Also, I have wanted to get highlights in my hair but have felt guilty that I am not accepting the way God made me and therefore am going against God's way for doing that. Anyway, one night, I was considering the possibility of becoming Amish to solve some of these problems. I was thinking I could give away whatever money and worldly possessions I have to people in grave need (something Jesus wants us to do) and move into an Amish community and live there. Because they take the Scripture in Deuteronomy 'no graven images' seriously and for the discouragement of vanity they do not allow photography. There goes the photography problem. In an Amish community I would not be worrying about sinning against God by promoting and perpetuating deceit and vanity in altering my hair color or wearing cosmetics. I don’t want to live an Amish life; (not that there is anything wrong with it; I respect these people highly because in many ways they seem to really value what God values, and seem to be all about God –even when it’s hard, not popular or counter cultural. Even though I do not agree with everything they do.) …However, I have dreams of winning people over for Christ through use of my talents and in my own natural unique way. I also like to see myself look a certain way physically (which involves makeup and highlights). The night I was thinking about becoming Amish, I started feeling really convicted that I need to give up all these things (that society relates to and feels is normal / common / popular). In thinking about giving all this up to live (similar at least) to an Amish person, and feeling like God was calling me to give all this up I got really angry. I felt a deep heartfelt blast of anger toward God for convicting me about this and at that same I felt the phrase F-you toward God come out of my heart. As it was coming out I tried to stop it because I knew it was wrong. I thought about how it’s the Holy Spirit who convicts us of sin, and feel like I have committed blasphemy of the Holy Spirit in my heart. I thought about highlighting my hair anyway because it was not a full f-you that came out, but I would still be going against the way God has made me – which is denying Him / His way. And also because I had such an angry feeling in my heart toward His Spirit and because that cursing started to come out I feel like the moment I would do it I would lose my salvation. Part of me feels like well I am probably going to Hell anyway, but another part of me feels like well maybe there is still a chance if I don’t add insult (to injury & insult) by doing this. I feel ashamed that I still even desire to get them. I know some people say that blasphemy against the Holy Spirit means continually rejecting Him, but JESUS said that anyone who speaks a WORD against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven in this age or the age to come; that they are guilty of an eternal sin. God may overlook a blasphemy because of an uncontrollable intrusive thought, but saying f-you toward His Holy Spirit in anger because of feeling convicted to change or deny myself of something is another thing entirely. I feel condemned. I am not looking for anyone to say warm fuzzy things toward me or assure me of God’s forgiveness if the reality is I am not forgiven and will not ever be forgiven. But if anyone has insight on anything I wrote, I would appreciate it. Thanks.”

I think of Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5 who vowed something to God, then broke their vow and they immediately died because of it. I fear that. I don’t want to be told things that feel good to hear about this; I want the truth. I know I have OCD, but at the same time, the frustrations and anger I feel inside are genuine at denying myself. It is not right to get angry at God. I chose a path of Christianity which means self-denial. Just because I have OCD it does not validate the anger toward God or any curse phrase that came from my heart to His Spirit in response to the prompts to deny myself. Also, I am feeling like I am still bound to the vows that I have made no matter how silly, good intentioned, or whatever, if I vowed them to God.

What are your thoughts on this? Is there any example I gave above that you have some insight on? In general?

Thanks.

 

[flowerforever7]

???

 

[Jonathan95]

Sounds like OCD, compare those situations with the article I linked above too.

 

[flowerforever7]

Another situation that just happened:

I was on an online photoalbum of mine; sometime ago I believe I made a vow that I wouldn't edit it (not sure why). Anyway, I decided that I would challenge that and edit the album. As I went to edit it I felt convicted that I should give up doing that in order to I guess give a sacrifice for violating another vow I had made way back for some reason that I knowingly violated today. When I thought of sacrificing for that I got angry and immediately the phrase "troll digger" came to my mind with an image of the Holy Spirit in the form of a dove. I think what I was thinking of was the story of Rumplestiltskin how the person promised their first child and was called on to give it. I got angry that I got angry at God. I thought about how "God remembers our sins no more" and how I need not try to pay for my sin by trying to sacrifice in another area for it. Yeah, well that's all fine and great but I already showed aggression towards God Spirit in my heart about it. So now I feel like I can not edit the album because going ahead and doing it anyway would be approving of the aggression I had toward's God's Spirit at the idea of denying myself, and also, I feel guilty that I am not willing to deny myself of this thing as a gesture of penatence for violating another vow I had made earlier.

Thoughts???

 

[flowerforever7]

So here are some more situations that have happened since I have posted this; if anyone can leave thoughts on any of the situations specifically that would be great:

I was thinking about getting something I want, and had a feeling in my heart that said maybe I should curse the Holy Spirit so I won't have it. Ugh. Obviously I don't feel right getting it now and it feels like my salvation may be in jepordy if I did. I later went back to the website to look at it, and thought as I was doing it that I should wait until I hear back from someone here on if doing such a thing would be okay or not, in light of what I just mentioned. I think I made a vow that if I looked at it again before I heard back that I definately would not be able to get it. Well, now I feel like I definately cannot get it since I looked at it.

Last night I looked at a store and made a mental vow that if I make a comment about that store that I can no longer do a specific kind of photography (which is the photography I most do); I made a comment about the store immediately after, and now feel like if I did the photography that I would be breaking a vow to God. I think of Ananias and Saphirra. I don't want to die spiritually.

There was a job I wanted to apply for. In their promotions they use the word "magic"; but I think the intended usage of it is to describe a whimsical feeling, not sorcery (however I really don't know what their intended usage of that word is). It sells general wares. I felt convicted about working for a company that uses the word magic in their promotions because of how the Bible condemns sorcery. I think I may have made a mental vow toward the Holy Spirit that I would not apply for the job because of the fact they use the word magic and I don't want to be affiliated with that before God. I have decided not to apply, at least because of the magic thing at most because of possibly making a vow to God's Spirit about it and feeling fearful of breaking it. Me saying that I have decided not to apply also feels like a vow within itself.

The other day I wanted to get a type of photography lens I had been wanting for a while. I had difficulty getting it because of not being able to remember if I made a mental vow against getting that type of lens. I swore off the other lenses I saw, and went to get it, (sounds silly) but I kept repeating the word "shing" repeatedly as I was in the process of purchasing it online so that no intrusive thoughts would interrupt me; ended up purchasing it and then I think I felt convicted that I was spending more money than I felt comfortable with on it (couldn't get the other more affordable lens options because I believe I had vowed not to get those specific lenses for some reason). After I purchased it, I felt convicted as it was more than I probably should be spending on it and then I felt the phrase f* you start to come out of my heart/mind toward the Holy Spirit. Obviously, I went back and canceled the order, partly because I felt convicted about the price, partly because of this aggressive feeling towards God's Spirit.

I have been writing an instructional topic based book for some time now; because the book is Christian in nature and the audience for the book is a mixed audience (men and women), I have felt convicted time to time about that and similar endeavors surrounding this topic because of the Scripture 1 Timothy 2:12 "I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet." One night I felt convicted about writing this book and I think frustration mounted up in my heart and mentally shot out"f* you" to God's Spirit.


I am so fed up and angry that I keep doing this. I am at a point where I feel painted in a corner. Because of this and the other experiences mentiioned above, I feel like most of what I have wanted to do I can no longer do. I have one thing which hasn't been tainted yet, and the worry lingers in my head that one day I won't be able to do that thing either. I am so discouraged as it feels like the things I have wanted I can no longer do either because of having an aggressive feeling and cursing the Holy Spirit concerning feeling convicted to deny it, or because of making vows about / surrounding it (I understand the importance of vows), don't want to be like Ananias or Sapphira who died because of lying to God's Spirit. Please help? If you can also comment on any of the experiences specifically in my post(s) here I would appreciate it. Not looking to be coddled but for honest evaluations of them. Thanks.