Does "The Truth Always Come Out"?

[DZoolander]

...and one more thought.

You should have no expectation of privacy. Don't conduct yourself in a way that if a third party *were* to find out - would hurt your position. Whether or not she can use that tape - who knows. However - you shouldn't have provided her that kind of ammunition in the first place. You won't have privacy. Expect that anything you say can be, and will be, used against you in a court of law.

Ya know?

 

[Autumnleaf]

...and one more thought.

You should have no expectation of privacy. Don't conduct yourself in a way that if a third party *were* to find out - would hurt your position. Whether or not she can use that tape - who knows. However - you shouldn't have provided her that kind of ammunition in the first place. You won't have privacy. Expect that anything you say can be, and will be, used against you in a court of law.

Ya know?

I've given up on the idea of privacy since watching Joe's Apartment.

 

[5kidsdad]

I have tried, almost without exception, to do just that. I have been 'grilled' by her, and have said little to nothing. I know it drives her crazy. In my humble opinion, nothing is her business. She keeps aking what do I have on her, and what do I want as far as a settlement. I tell her basically nothing. I did tell her that being away from her was the best thing that happened to me...sure it made her mad. I do not recall ever telling her anything else. She has a habit of calling up, and railing, ranting, and crying for, in one case, a couple of hours...there is only so much of that a sane person can take. Here, I do believe that you have to get approval from the authorities to record conversations. As far as the medical/therapy records...there is a statemnt I read in the law that states that if a patient feels that there is any chance that what they tell their physician or therapist could be brough into the open, then there is no trust there, and that there can be no real help given to the patient. Not that I am really worried, but I think it strikes of desperation on her part. We will see. I do not tell her much of anything, and when she tells me anything, I do not believe her...she has demonstrated the ability to lie about even the most insignificant thing that she is not trustworthy in any situation to me.

5kd

 

[DZoolander]

Good

Just wanted to make sure you weren't getting riled up and saying stuff that might come back to bite you in the butt later.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Well, when I say unmerciful, I mean don't spend a lot of time worrying about the "fairness" of suing for sole custody or how she's going to appear/etc. My stance would be "You've ended the relationship under these circumstances - my emotional obligations as being a loving spouse have ended."

...and that's what matters. You are not her advocate anymore.

Agreed. What is best for the kids is what is important. I personally would like to see people caught in their lies. It would be better if they came clean on their own, but if not then let them be caught.

It may be a bit too soon to feel pity for her, but it is a sorry thing to see people make wrong, stupid decisions.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I have tried, almost without exception, to do just that. I have been 'grilled' by her, and have said little to nothing. I know it drives her crazy. In my humble opinion, nothing is her business. She keeps aking what do I have on her, and what do I want as far as a settlement. I tell her basically nothing. I did tell her that being away from her was the best thing that happened to me...sure it made her mad. I do not recall ever telling her anything else. She has a habit of calling up, and railing, ranting, and crying for, in one case, a couple of hours...there is only so much of that a sane person can take. Here, I do believe that you have to get approval from the authorities to record conversations. As far as the medical/therapy records...there is a statemnt I read in the law that states that if a patient feels that there is any chance that what they tell their physician or therapist could be brough into the open, then there is no trust there, and that there can be no real help given to the patient. Not that I am really worried, but I think it strikes of desperation on her part. We will see. I do not tell her much of anything, and when she tells me anything, I do not believe her...she has demonstrated the ability to lie about even the most insignificant thing that she is not trustworthy in any situation to me.

5kd

I think you can record it if you tell her in the beginning that you will be recording all conversations with her to make sure everyone is clear about what is said.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Ya know - I've been thinking about 5kd and his situation this morning...and kind of how it pertains to what my own experience was when I went through my divorce years back. The long and the short of it is that he wants the truth about what's been going on to come out.

...and I remember thinking the same thing years back.

Without going into all of the sordid details - when I got divorced - it was because after an un-arguably crappy marriage - my ex-wife got into all sorts of deviant behaviors (bondage/discipline/sadism/masochism) - and decided that was going to become her primary focus. After she notified me that she had no intention of stopping - I called foul and filed for divorce.

The only thing was - it put me in a bad position. I did not feel that it was my place to notify the world *why* we were getting a divorce. My sealed mouth put me in a situation where everyone else (who apparently did not respect boundaries like I did) were free to talk about what a horrible person I was for "abandoning the marriage".

So - I remember kinda being in his place...and wondering when people would stop advising me that *I* needed to fix the situation - or that it was *my* fault that the marriage had ended.

The one thing that the whole experience taught me though - is that the truth *does* eventually come out. While it sucked at the time - eventually things did start getting out. After all - she *was* engaging in that behavior. When her new boyfriends started showing up - people started figuring out what might be going on. So - the nonsense being directed toward me lessened.

People started asking "was that going on when you were married?" - instead of accusing. Those types of questions I felt justified in answering.. "Yes. That's why we got divorced." Originally I was the "bad guy" - but eventually things turned 180.

So - my point of view is - the truth does usually come out on it's own accord. It's simply a matter of waiting until that happens - and sticking by your own convictions until it does. That was my experience.

Has anyone ever experienced different? Has the advantage of time (like - I'm talking about years since it's been over...since you can't really look at it when you're freshly going through it) not been to anyone's advantage?

It's annoying how judgemental people can be in these areas! I guess we have to be confident in ourselves so that people can think what they want.. as long as we know the truth.

HB

 

[spencerian]

I was so torn when i first separated. I wanted everyone to know what was going on. I wanted them to know about her drug and alcohol abuse. I wanted them to know about her sexual affairs.

It all comes out!

My patience and holding to God's word did the work for me.

I held to the word that says "what's done in the dark will be brought to the light".

No need to gloat in this life. On the day of judgment she will have all her sins announced.

But she has started to reveal herself.
It started with her family seeing her with the new guy playing in our yard with the kids.
Then her new man assaulted me.
Then Social Services found her guilty of neglect.
Then her new man shot me.
Then she got the kids taken away from her.
Then she got a DUI.

I believe that no matter what we do in life we will have it revealed.
We are known by the fruits we bear.

 

[Easyk]

zoo i am suprised at the subject heading of this post.

As Jesus has stated the truth will allways be revealed.. there is no going around it..

 

[SearcherKris]

Ya
The only thing was - it put me in a bad position. I did not feel that it was my place to notify the world *why* we were getting a divorce. My sealed mouth put me in a situation where everyone else (who apparently did not respect boundaries like I did) were free to talk about what a horrible person I was for "abandoning the marriage".

So - I remember kinda being in his place...and wondering when people would stop advising me that *I* needed to fix the situation - or that it was *my* fault that the marriage had ended.

I was dealing wit the same thing when my marriage was ending. I post about the things that happened on message boards because there is a level of anonyminity there. I've shared only with VERY close friends, my mom and sister. I don't go around "gossiping" about my ex. There's a verse in Scripture that says that it is shameful to even mention the bad things people do in secret.

I have had contact with his family, and I have never said a single word to them about our separation and divorce. Besides, I figure he has already told them what he wants them to believe. If I were to say anything to the contrary it would probably only cause a conflict.

At the time I was going through the separation and preparing to divorce there was one thing that brought me a great deal of peace, God knows.

God knows the truth of the situation, how hard I tried to fix it, all his abuse, neglect, and adultry, the other women, the std's...He saw it all, and in the big scheme of things, that's all that matters.

 

[SearcherKris]

zoo i am suprised at the subject heading of this post.

As Jesus has stated the truth will allways be revealed.. there is no going around it..

While I agree with you, I don't believe that everything will be revealed in this lifetime. Some things are carried to the grave. I believe that all truth will be known in Heaven.

 

[SearcherKris]

I think you can record it if you tell her in the beginning that you will be recording all conversations with her to make sure everyone is clear about what is said.

I don't know if the law is the same everywhere, but here in Texas you can legally record anything as long as at least one other person knows you are doing it. The other person who knows does not have to be the one being recorded. It can be anyone...your niegbor, your mom, your lawyer...

 

[myanchor]

A lot of states allow for only one person to record and they don't have to notify the other person. Colorado is one. Check with your lawyer. Change your cell phone number so she can't call you on it. The office phone, you may have to clear with your boss since they own the phone. Even if your phone recordings are not admissible in a court of law they will give you starting points for your investigators and lawyers.

Definitely fight for your kids as hard as you can legally.

 

[BRISH]

"So - my point of view is - the truth does usually come out on it's own accord. It's simply a matter of waiting until that happens - and sticking by your own convictions until it does. That was my experience.

Has anyone ever experienced different? Has the advantage of time (like - I'm talking about years since it's been over...since you can't really look at it when you're freshly going through it) not been to anyone's advantage?"



A part of me wants to scream it out to the world in the local paper. A part of me feels guilty for feeling that way. Wanting my ex to found out would mean he hasnt changed, and ultimately I feel that THAT should be my main focus.....but still.


Im not fresh in it, but I'm not really a decade post either. Divorced a couple years, but seperated a total of about 4 yrs. I'll take yours and anyone else's word on it that the truth does come out, but in my situation the ex did not continue his actions. He actually, is portraying the exact opposite. At first I thought it was real change, but his actions show the same ol person. It seems I'm the only one that can "see" him. I see it in a hidden glare, sharp quiet words, and lies. It's like he's in costume and everyone is enamoured (sp?) at his transformation, but I still see a wolf.

I've honestly just given up on the wish of the truth coming out. I did the best I could and those closest to me (us) know the truth. Everyone else can believe what they want. I dont have to answer for their thoughts, they do.

 

[Conservativation]

Had an interesting anecdote about this truth coming out question. Im not divorced but was almost, and lived seperated in an apt for about 1.5 years.
I met other "men in exile" there, and one had a fascinating story.
His teen son stayed with him because per them the mom was a little whacky...no big deviant things, just what we once called flighty.
So, in her instability she decided that my buddy was evil incarnate, and there was per them no drugs, abuse, alcohol, porn or affiars. Just a mid life low conflict divorce.
the end of their divorce approached and he was so ready to be done. he didnt battle any material things, nada, just wanted closure.
So they go to court what was to be the final time and it was where they were to get the official rendering of property split...which was all agreed. The wifes lawyer asked for a delay. Judge asked why 9this had been happening alot and the wife had been coming up with all sorts of things to prolong this.)...Wifes lawyer said he needed more time to prepare. Judge said, "prepare for WHAT, we are here to divide property per whats already agreed. Lawyer says yes but Mrs has more "evidence". of what nature? "Character evidence"....Judge says, look Mrs so and so, no matter how or hard you try, i am not going to, on behalf of the state, declare your husband a horses backside, so lets proceed.

I wonder, was truth suppressed or was the judge on to something, this quest to have one spouse publically excoriated.

 

[Jer29]

I am an example of one of those times when the offending spouse doesn't WANT the truth to come out. In my case, I never found out why my ex filed for divorce after abandoning our 20+ year marriage and running to another state to file. It was a No Fault state so even though I protested the divorce there was nothing I could do to stop her. She filed under the "marriage is irretrievably broken" excuse. I never came close to finding out what exactly she felt that made our union "irretrievably broken". Certainly there was no immorality or abuse on my part and nothing that would have granted her a biblical divorce. She knew that and didn't want to stick around our church and family and be held accountable.

Years later, I have a very good picture of certain sad truths from her past that helps me understand why she did what she did .... but even with that trauma, there was no valid reason to run away and not stay in our marriage so we could work it out together. Suffice it to say she willingly sacrificed our marriage on the altar of victimhood.

My recommendation for a couple staying in the church setting would be to institute the Matt. 18 process. This way, both parties actions are open to inspection and discernment by the church .... and there is more of an incentive to be held accountable and to fight for the marriage. My ex-wife knew this, and she ultimately was NOT going to be held accountable by "those men" in the church leadership. So, she turned to the world for validation and her divorce.