Does race factor into who you'd date?

[rachey88]

Ah who cares Rachey. Don't you have a boyfriend anyway?

All I know is that I want a woman who is like ME culturally and intellectually and whom I find physically attractive. If she is my race then that is just a bonus in my opinion.

Yeah we are engaged... I just got upset... I am sorry wiley if I offened you but you did offend me.

 

[WileyCoyote]

This is the exact reason why I never discuss this because someone always try to make it seem like I am racist. And it is a personal preference because it does me feel uncomfortable... it's obviously something you would never understand.

Actually, I understand more than you might think.

You have twisted my words just like everyone else and completely took everything I said in the wrong way. I never said I disagree or don't like interracial dating, marriages, whatever... I just can't do it personally. I am a very open minded person!!!

I wasn't aware I twisted your words, but THOUGHT I was quoting and commenting on what you ACTUALLY SAID. And if you are against people 'twisting your words', it might benefit you if you don't twist mine. I never said you disagreed with interracial dating or marriages. I just pointed out that choosing not to date someone because of their race, was racism. I asked my white roomate this question a few minutes ago and he agreed with me.

Look I didn't date my friend just because he was black and I wanted to see if I could handle an interracial relationship. I dated him because I was attracted to him and we were great friends and we had a lot in common. I find people of other races very attractive. And if you look back in my first post I do find African American men very attractive as well as many other races, but it my preference to be with a white man... and there is nothing wrong with that!!!!!

Nothing wrong with preferring white men. Like I said, personal preferences are ok. But I also think people should be open minded and look at the heart as well. Christians claim that they want to be like God. Well, God looks at the heart, NOT your race. If you would examine your own words, you will see what I'm talking about. You say you were attracted to your friend, you had a lot in common with him, you were great friends with him, it just didn't work out because he wasn't white. Do you not see how someone can come to the conclusion that you are being prejudiced, whether you are or not? Without meaning to, you are admitting that the reason things didn't work out between you and your friend is because he is black. That kind of outdated thinking has no place in our civilization.

Look I hate to say it but there are people who just can't do the interracial dating and it's not because they are racist... it's just something inside doesn't feel right... I was very sad that it didn't feel right but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

WRONG! Something not FEELING right and something actually NOT being right are two different things. Relationships should be built on love and love is a CHOICE. If you make relational decisions based on your feelings, then maybe you are not quite ready to actually be in a relationship.

But I certainly don't disagree with it. I think interracial relationships are fine!! As long as you love the person and they love you back and everything is hunky-dory Great!! But don't try and say that I am racist because I am not!!! I do not hate people for the color of their skin... I do not judge by the color of skin...

I don't know if you are a racist or not and to be honest, I don't care. I WOULD like to see more open mindedness in this nation, however. And thankfully, that is happening. Obama wouldn't have been elected without the white vote. I've always had this attitude towards people who have a problem with me: "Dislike me because I'm a jerk. Dislike me because I am disrespectful. Dislike me because I talked about your momma. But DON'T dislike me because I'm black." I guess I can say something similar to you. Choose not to date someone because you are not compatible. But don't choose not to date somebody because of race. You can have all the preferences you want, but if you can't make exceptions for certain special people (i.e your friend) and still choose not to date someone based on their race, well, I've already said it before. No need repeating.

If you are going to try and put words in my mouth then just disregard my posts entirely because I am tired of this debate. I am racist because I don't date men of other skin colors other than mine!

Now THAT is putting words in your mouth.

On a more serious note, I hope you can come to the point where you can get with, and actually fall in love with somebody who is different than you. Diversity is what makes this nation so great.

 

[AuburnMeg]

Rachey, you may or may not, like what I am going to say!!

I don't think your family is the culprit. You are a grown woman capable of making your own decisions. If your family is like that, then perhaps you can be the mature one and set a new tradition for your family free of racial stereotypes. I feel bad for that guy. I'd be heartbroken if I was in an interracial relationship and the girl broke it off because my skin was darker than hers. It makes me wonder about some people when they say things like, "I like you, I can be your friend, I can even eat from the same plate as you, but I'll NEVER date you, because you're race is different than mine. It just, well, it just doesn't SEEM right." Moses didn't think this way. He married a black woman and his sister seemed to have a big problem with this. I guess his family was similar to yours. (There's one in every family, eh?) God was so offended by Moses's sister that he cursed her with leprosy, turning her skin EXTRA WHITE. It was like He was saying, "So you think black is ugly? Well, I'm going to turn your skin super white." God has a sense of humor. But it proves that God is offended at racism. It's ok to have personal preferences, but to choose not to date somebody because of their race, and there is no other way to say this, but it is RACISM!! And I know that my opinion may be interpreted as biased because I am partially black (Oh looky. Another negro playing the race card) but what I am saying is truth. It would be no different if I chose to only date a certain race but shunned others. Being judged by anything other than your heart is wrong and hurtful. It makes me sad that people still think this way. Blame it on your family all you want, but you are capable of making your own decisions and if you feel that you can't change it, get help.
That's clever. Appealing to the beauty of black women but acknowledging that you don't want to date any of their men. It's kind of like a reinforcement of LaMandaRaye's objections, that people can't see the beauty in black folks. "Oh, I am white but I think black women are very attractive. I just would NEVER date one of your men because it feels wrong."

Don't take this as me saying I don't like you. I don't know you, and you probably are a very nice girl. But I felt a rebuke was in order because I'm tired of seeing this kind of thinking in our society. I have dated a couple of white girls and their daddies didn't like me because they were against the whole 'interracial dating' thing. One girl's father got very angry when she told him she was dating someone black (she told him I was black). She never introduced me to him. No doubt, it would have been a very unpleasant experience.

Like I said, personal preferences are ok, as long as you are open minded. As long as you are willing to look past race and into the heart, you are ok. But once race becomes more important than what is on the inside, it then becomes a racial thing. As kindly as I know how to say it:

Refusing to date someone for no other reason than their race, makes you a RACIST.


(let the criticism begin!!!)

Wiley, it really doesn't sound to me that she is racist, and I think that it was really inappopriate for you to tag her as such.

From what she has said, I can see why she would be uncomfortable dating someone of a different race. Say she dates a black guy that she really likes, but it causes HUGE problems with her family. At that point, it pretty much comes down to chosing the relationship or the family. Some families are very "traditional" in that manner. I'm not saying that it's right, but that's how it is.

Relationships aren't easy to begin with. Having strong negative feelings from the family puts extra stress on the relationship. Stress on her because she knows the family doesn't like it. Stress on him because he isn't accepted. Now, while these two people may care very much for each other, can't you see why it may not work?

 

[WileyCoyote]

From what she has said, I can see why she would be uncomfortable dating someone of a different race. Say she dates a black guy that she really likes, but it causes HUGE problems with her family

THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE SAID!!!!

I am focusing on words said, not hypotheticals.

 

[AuburnMeg]

THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE SAID!!!!

I am focusing on words said, not hypotheticals.

Ahem....you need to cool it, firecracker.

I understand where you're coming from, and I understand that it's something that very near and dear to your heart. And...I agree with you. I think racism is wrong. End of story. You're going about getting your message across the wrong way though. If attacking is how you handle yourself every time a situation like that arises, you're going to get nowhere. The tone that you responded in just makes things worse. EVEN IF you were right, your words tend to lose meaning because the tone of what you're saying (or typing) is what steals the focus.

Just sayin'.

 

[WileyCoyote]

I can see where you're coming from - but does declining to date someone of a different race because you yourself are not attracted to those of that race constitute as racism?

Sometimes I feel that I am not attracted enough to certain races to date them...does that make me bad?

Well, not necessarily, but would you be offended if some guy told you he didn't want to date you because he wasn't attracted to your race? Wouldn't you want a guy to look at what is on the INSIDE and not what is on the outside?

I hate even asking that. Because frankly if I see other interracial relationships and their children, it truly does not anger me at all. It used to anger my mom - but I don't fear anything when I see this in real life. It's their decision if they want to.

I can't even decide though what I'm thinking - I've never had a BF before - so I'm certain that my POV has naivete attached to it.

One thing I will acknowledge - I used to go on this site called Boundless (blech - and good riddance to it). I grew to hate that site really badly.

In one of their blog articles, someone there who I disliked pretty badly was trying to say that people tend to be more attracted to lighter-skinned people because they're "rare" compared to the totality of people in the world and it p'd me off because it was just freakin rude. That was the tip of the iceberg as to the things that bothered me there.

For the record though - for a long time I think I lived in a shell in regard to interracial dating I used to be closed-minded about it. I thank God that I have improved on this over the years. I know that there may be room for me to improve (don't take that the wrong way folks) but sometimes I cringe at how closed-minded I used to be regarding the idea of interracial dating when it doesn't really bother me anymore.

When this presidential election came (please do NOT politicize this), I found the appearance of Barack Obama to be attractive (ok - don't laugh - ok laugh) and it made me happy to realize that if there were someone like him in real life who wanted to date me, I'd have zero problem with it. In fact I think I'd go after him Ok maybe not - I'm not the initiating type

Hope I don't get flamed LOL...anything I said could be taken the wrong way. I somehow have the ability to accidentally offend people even when my intention is the furthest thing from that.

Don't worry, I won't flame you. I will, however, laugh at you and tease you relentlessly because you said you think Obama is attractive.

You seem like an open minded individual. I myself don't want to limit what God can do in my life by settling for a certain race. God may have a WONDERFUL woman for me of a race that I never thought I'd see myself dating. The key is to be open minded. Some people don't seem to be open minded, however.

 

[WileyCoyote]

Ahem....you need to cool it, firecracker.

I understand where you're coming from, and I understand that it's something that very near and dear to your heart. And...I agree with you. I think racism is wrong. End of story. You're going about getting your message across the wrong way though. If attacking is how you handle yourself every time a situation like that arises, you're going to get nowhere. The tone that you responded in just makes things worse. EVEN IF you were right, your words tend to lose meaning because the tone of what you're saying (or typing) is what steals the focus.

Just sayin'.

I apologize. You are right. Maybe I can re-word my position in a nicer way. Forgive me?

 

[deliciousBass]

My ex-wife was "white" even though she was almost as tan as me and it caused a lot of problems with her family and created a lot of stress in our marriage. It left a bad taste in my mouth and makes me reluctant to date white womenz unless I KNOW their parents don't care. She eventually left... not because of the racial thing but other issues but her family and friends from the racist parts of Virginia (her county was like 99% against the Emancipation Proclamation to give you an idea) definitely pushed her to leave me and they were very happy and supportive of her. So yeah, I guess I am racist too because I'd rather NOT date a white girl unless like I said, I know for a fact her family wouldn't care and I would want them to like me.

Just talking (or typing) about it really brings back bad memories... *shudder*

 

[Sketcher]

My ex-wife was "white" even though she was almost as tan as me and it caused a lot of problems with her family and created a lot of stress in our marriage. It left a bad taste in my mouth and makes me reluctant to date white womenz unless I KNOW their parents don't care. She eventually left... not because of the racial thing but other issues but her family and friends from the racist parts of Virginia (her county was like 99% against the Emancipation Proclamation to give you an idea) definitely pushed her to leave me and they were very happy and supportive of her. So yeah, I guess I am racist too because I'd rather NOT date a white girl unless like I said, I know for a fact her family wouldn't care and I would want them to like me.

Just talking (or typing) about it really brings back bad memories... *shudder*

Yeah, her family's got to be cool with it as well. I am not going to be both a husband and a means to rebellion to her.

 

[deliciousBass]

Yeah, her family's got to be cool with it as well. I am not going to be both a husband and a means to rebellion to her.

Yeah, my last gf was white and her parents really liked me. That was nice for a change lol.

 

[AuburnMeg]

I apologize. You are right. Maybe I can re-word my position in a nicer way. Forgive me?

Yes, of course. Thank you.

 

[WileyCoyote]

Yes, of course. Thank you.

Sometimes I get heated and I respond in ways I shouldn't. I guess I can make it my New Year's Resolution to be slow to anger like our Heavenly Father.

 

[Tamara224]

To answer the OP: Race is not a factor I consider in dating.

I don't even believe in "race" really. We are the human race, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve.

Cultural issues may be a factor but skin tone and ancestry are not. I am attracted to all sorts of different types of men, all shades and variations. Although I will say I've always had a special fondness for redheads with blue eyes. Which would explain why I'm dating a guy with dark hair and green eyes.

That being said, my actual dating experience has been all white guys except for one Asian guy I went on one date with in college (he was a jerk). That has to do with the fact that 1) I live in Wyoming and 2) I haven't been asked out by guys who are a different color than me.

My parents only care whether a guy is Christian and of good character.

 

[deliciousBass]

Wow... Tamara frankly I'm surprised. I would've figured a Christian Republican from Wyoming would only be up for dating inside her own race. Serves me right for stereotyping

I love being proved wrong when it comes to this though. It gives me hope

 

[Niels]

Wow... Tamara frankly I'm surprised. I would've figured a Christian Republican from Wyoming would only be up for dating inside her own race. Serves me right for stereotyping

I love being proved wrong when it comes to this though. It gives me hope

I hope you don't mind that I jump in here, and share my 2 cents. This isn't so much a reply to you, as a response to a general attitude.

I grew up in Republican family, and was never discouraged from dating other races. In fact, my impression was that conservative Republicans brought about the end of slavery and strongly supported the civil rights movement. Modern pop culture seems to reflect the opposite... maybe the Neocons are to blame? Either way, I'm not a Republican or a Democrat, but that doesn't have anything to do with my attitudes toward interracial dating. It's still fine by me.


Edit: In case somebody wonders, I wasn't led to believe that the Democrats were racists either.

 

[Tamara224]

Wow... Tamara frankly I'm surprised. I would've figured a Christian Republican from Wyoming would only be up for dating inside her own race. Serves me right for stereotyping

It was a flawed stereotype though because you didn't factor in that I'm edjumacated.

Seriously... I think it was the way I was raised... Until college I honest-to-goodness thought racism was truly a thing of the past. It still boggles my mind sometimes that people even think about such things much less make decisions based on them.

But lots of things boggle my mind. Like those plug things people put in their ears to stretch their ear-lobes out. I just don't get it.

I love being proved wrong when it comes to this though. It gives me hope

 

[Lady Bug]

Well, not necessarily, but would you be offended if some guy told you he didn't want to date you because he wasn't attracted to your race? Wouldn't you want a guy to look at what is on the INSIDE and not what is on the outside?

I don't know, maybe. I do remember overhearing this African-American guy talk to this African-American woman years back in the library saying that he prefers women with darker skin and at the time their comments did offend me. the comments offended me because it looked like they were deliberately saying it in front of me. They seemed to be reverse racists - if that makes sense.

My ex-wife was "white" even though she was almost as tan as me and it caused a lot of problems with her family and created a lot of stress in our marriage. It left a bad taste in my mouth and makes me reluctant to date white womenz unless I KNOW their parents don't care. She eventually left... not because of the racial thing but other issues but her family and friends from the racist parts of Virginia (her county was like 99% against the Emancipation Proclamation to give you an idea) definitely pushed her to leave me and they were very happy and supportive of her. So yeah, I guess I am racist too because I'd rather NOT date a white girl unless like I said, I know for a fact her family wouldn't care and I would want them to like me.

Just talking (or typing) about it really brings back bad memories... *shudder*

There's a lot of people who will deny they are racist until they are faced with situations like this and their racism manifests. I think it's not good to deny you're a racist (not talking about you, talking about the family) if you feel contempt in any way toward someone solely because their skin color is not the same as yours.

 

[Im_A]

For me it doesn't matter for me as long as she is hot.
Actually, when I was young, I was partial to Japanese girls.
I know a lot of people that have racist families too, and that factors into their choice of a mate even if they're not racist themselves.

for me? no. now if my dad has his way, than he'd say, it should. i consider him a segregationalist. he believes we're all equal, but that each race should stick to their own race. my mother on the other hand is accepting to all. she's dating a hindu now and not an americain hindu.

i'm primairly attracted to white skinned women and primairly Americain/European. not for racial issues but for issues involving the body/figure and the face.

but needless to say, my dad hated me being engaged to a Canadian, and he sure didn't like it, when i told him i've dated 2 mexicans before.

so if i would happen to meet someone of a different race and we make it work, and we get engaged work our way to marriage, i'll just suffer consequences as i did before even if they would be worse than what they could have, or would have been before.

 

[GQ Chris]

I'd never restrict based on race, I have seen beautiful women of just about every ethnicity, even though my dating history has been primarily caucasian and latin women.

 

[septemberskies]

I just wanted to add in a few nickels and dimes without quoting, commenting, or pointing to anyone in particular. I think in general people confuse prejudice views with out right racism.

I'll use some examples. Let's say you grow up in a home that says that oranges should only touch oranges and apples should only mingle with apples, you will likely absorb this same thought process. Or let's say you were taught to set the dinner table with the forks on top of the napkins and the cups to the left of the plate. You are likely to prefer this when you set your own table. Even though you are presented with all these other table setting alternatives, you choose what you are familiar with because that's what makes you comfortable. You don't neccessarily hate other options but you don't have the most favorable opinion about the other choices.

Now apply this concept in terms of interracial dating. There are a lot people out there that have been taught things that are not favorable of other races. Sometimes it matures into racism (defined as "a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others"), and other times it comes out as prejudice (which is defined as an unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought, or reason"). A person may have some prejudice views, but it doesn't mean they are a racist.

Honestly? I don't think that all prejudice views are neccessarily conscious, deliberate, or malicious. That doesn't excuse things but it does explain why some beliefs are still in motion.

Prejudice views usually don't have a logical explanation to back it up. People just try and rationalize as best as they can because we want to protect ourselves and choices. The harm it causes is usually not intentional nor (again) conscious.

We should make concious attempts to pay attention to any prejudice beliefs we may have. It can really hurt the group of people that we have an unreasonable view about.

Using myself for example, I believe that almost everyone has some sort of prejudice views and not just about race. It could be as simple as someone's height! Just about a week ago my friend said to me that I was prejudice against short men because I would only consider guys taller than me. I rebuked her LOL. But you know what? She was right. I had an image in my mind of the perfect guy and it excluded all other men who were my height or shorter because tall guys made me comfortable. God showed me that this is something I needed to work on. This means I could have turned away perfectly good men because they were not towering over me. My friend pointed out that my view likely came from the fact that my father is 6'2 and mom is 5'2. I unconsciously preferred taller men because that's what I have seen but was not aware of it. I rationalized in my mind that a tall man would make me feel safe. That needs to change because that is not a fact of life.I realize it won't be changed over night but I want to grow....

I think if we could just take a moment and try to see through another person's eyes, we would feel a lot differently about one another. I try to do that because I hope someone would do the same for me... i'm a sensitive person anyhow

Change starts with me... I can't change anyone else. I hope that my example will encourage others to do the same.

ETA: The fine line between preference and prejudice is that prejudice excludes some things, taking away it's possibilities or potential; where as preference ranks things from high to low, leaving all possibilities open. Makes sense?