Does is ever get any easier???? Long rant I guess...

[oneandlonely]

So today is day 38 without cuttting. But I am soooooooo close to giving in right now...

Since wendesday I have been feeling so depressed, alone, usless, isoslated, and just really bad... I am feeling soooo tempted to cut. I don't know what to do! I mean, I have tried bunches of things and everything just makes me feel if anything... worse! I have journaled lots, I have tried looking up bible verses, I have screamed, I have beat up my pillow, I have done everything on my list that my youth pastor had me make(things to do insted of cutting) and then some and I don't feel that anything has helped. I am sick of it all! I am sick of feeling this way... sick of fighting it... I have felt this way since wendesday... I feel a little worse everyday... I am sick of everything...I am loosing hope that i will feel better anytime soon... I just want to give in... I want to be numb!

I don't know what to do... I don't know how to handle this...

the last thing that I could do is to call someone... but at this point I don't even know how to tell anyone that i am feeling this bad. I know that I can call my youth pastor anytime, but I a just so scared to! I don't even know why I am so scared, because I emailed him yesterday and told that I was feeling like giving in, and I was not doing well and some of why. So it is not like I would be telling him anything new. But I have never called him for this reason before, I have just emailed him. So I don't know how he is going to react or what he is going to say

So yeah... I am having a really bad week, and I don't know what to do....

sorry for my rant...

Bethany

 

[bassdrum1]

talk to him. talking always helped me.{ o.k. maybe it is was the fact that i would pretty much be killed by them if ever cut again.lol.}it will get better. the temptation might not go away but eventua;;y it'll get better.

 

[oneandlonely]

talk to him. talking always helped me.{ o.k. maybe it is was the fact that i would pretty much be killed by them if ever cut again.lol.}it will get better. the temptation might not go away but eventua;;y it'll get better.

Thanks you...

I am not feeling any better at all today...

Last night was so hard, I just layed in bed a sobbed until I feel asleep. I wanted to get up and cut and just make myself numb. I wanted more than anything to give it, and at one point I had by blade out last night, I want nothing more than to put it to use...

I am so tried of feeling this way... I just want to cut and let all of it out! I don't feel like fighting it today

 

[Renwolf]

I want to say that it gets easier, but I think it's more truthful to say that the more you address the underlying problems, the easier it gets. I've done the thing where all I do is fight the temptation and wait for the urges to go away, but for me, that hasn't been a long term solution. This is something that can be overcome, though. Just keep fighting and try to get to the base of the problem.

I agree that you should call your youth pastor. If he's said before that you can call him any time, then I think it's safe to say that he cares about you. If your choices are call him or hurt yourself, I really think you should try calling first. Even if you're not telling him anything new, just speaking to someone in real time, in person, might help.

Hang in there. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. (hugs if you want them)

 

[BlackRain]

talk to someone about this.

 

[Surrender2Win]

Hi Bethany,

I'm Amanda and I'm new here...

I also wanted to say that it does get easier! I agree with the person who wrote that finding the underlying issue helps make things easier. Something also helpful somebody once told me a long time ago was to go back and trace my steps through the day...figure out when was it that I started feeling that way, What happened that led up to the feeling, what were the thoughts, feelings, situation....then you can help yourself untrigger your feelings of wanting to self injure.

I haven't self injured in probably about 4 years now, there is hope!

I'm lifting you up in prayer...

Amanda

 

[oneandlonely]

Thanks everyone.

I am still haven't done anything... witch makes today day 42. But I still really want to cut. I don't even know why I am still going... there is noting stopping me

As much as I want to call someone right now, I can't now. The 3 people that I would feel comfortalble calling are all on vacation until Sunday.

I don't know what I am going to do. I don't think that I will make it much longer *sigh*

Bethany

 

[bassdrum1]

call them on their cell phones if they have one. i do when my friends r on vacation. if they care about u they won't care if u call if they r on vacation.my friends don't.

 

[oneandlonely]

call them on their cell phones if they have one. i do when my friends r on vacation. if they care about u they won't care if u call if they r on vacation.my friends don't.

I didn't think of that... but owell it is to late now


I am such a failure. 42 days for what? to mess it up really bad last night. I couldn't take anymore.

So I guess I am back to day one

 

[Renwolf]

Relapse is part of recovery. Don't be too hard on yourself. If you did it once, you can do it again. Maybe next time, you'll make it to 43 days. Hang in there and don't give up

 

[bassdrum1]

you r not a failure. u made it that far and that's a awsome achivment. so u r back to day one. just try harder this time. u r not a failure.

 

[oneandlonely]

Thanks guys, but I still feel like I have done something aweful. I threw away 42 days!! 42 days! I feel awful...

 

[Renwolf]

Hey, oneandlonely. I know it's hard, but try not to beat yourself up too much, literally or figuratively. Focus on what you've accomplished, not what you feel you've lost.

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but you started this thread 5 days ago. Have you been safe since then? Even if you haven't, remember that even the smallest amount of time that you manage to keep from hurting yourself is an accomplishment. 15 minutes can be a HUGE accomplishment.

One last thing. Think about what you would say to a friend, or anyone on this message board, who was feeling terrible about having a relapse. I'm betting that you wouldn't be giving them a hard time and making them feel awful ;-). Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

 

[katylees]

nah hun its ok ..ive done that before ...keep going, you will be ok, you wil learn from it maybe. Its a slip and as people have said, they are part of recovery *hug*

 

[oneandlonely]

Sorry that it took me so long to reply, I have been quite busy...

anyways, time for an update...

I am not doing well at all. It just seems that no matter how hard I try, I can't make it 24 hours.

Everyone thinks that I am doing better, and I don't want to let anyone done so i lie and say that I am fine.... I am so scared to tell them otherwise

I am even to scared to be honest with my youth pastor . I feel awful that i cut without calling him first, and now I am scared to call him beacause i don't want to tell him that I am doing so bad

today has been awful, and I want to cut sooooo bad... I want to quit, but I just don't feel I am going to make it tonight...