Does God Care?

[SAAchristian757]

I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this. For some reason I think putting my thoughts into words will help (like journaling). I have so much going on, or going wrong. I know factually and Biblically that God cares for us. But I just don't feel it and I have not experienced His care. Saying this I know sounds Satanic; he wants us to believe that God is a liar. (to get right to the point skip down to 'The Issue')

A little background. I am 46 years old. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from childhood sexual abuse and physical abuse; Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID, Multiple Personalities); OCD. I am also same sex attracted (SSA) and have gender identity issues (dysphoria). I have been married for 23 years and have two daughters. I was hospitalized last year for seriously planning to commit suicide. I regret that I didn't.

I was not raised in a Christian home. My family was CEO's (Christmas and Easter Only). I knew that I was gay from about 10 years old and wished to be female from probably 4 years old. Through teen years I knew enough to know that it was wrong and would pray that it would go away. By 18 years old, I was going to gay clubs with gay friends. I was never promiscuous, but I wanted to be. I got saved one night after a friend from work witnessed to me and gave me a tract. I read it at home late that night and I was so convicted of my life. I honestly thought that God turned me straight that night.

I meet my wife at church and we became close friends. She knew about my SSA and we met with her mom to talk about it. After marriage, it still did not go away. It went into the shadows. I covered up and lied for years until our second daughter was born. I started attending Exodus International (ex gay therapy) secretly for a while. I continued to hide and with the advent of internet everywhere I developed a porn addition (same sex). For years I knew that I was out of control, but I didn't know where to get help; and getting help would mean that I would be admitting to it. I got caught looking at porn 5 years ago. This was my chance to get help. I started Christian Therapy and soon learned that changing my sexuality was not going to happen. It took me several years to accept this. I was deeply suicidal. I stayed in therapy and last year with all of the compounding issues I decided to take my life.

I got out of the hospital and was still dissatisfied with my life, marriage, recovery and sexuality. I have worked for 20 some years to get free of homosexuality. The Bible says that it's and abomination. I think, "Lord, Why won't You help me? I know I can't do this on my own. But You send not help or relief."

By Christmas of last year I was done. My New Years Resolution was, "I will not spend another year of my life fighting homosexuality." I knew telling my wife that I was gay would mean the end of the marriage. I told her and it was bad as expected. I ended up having an affair with a pastor that recently came out as gay. My wife and I are back together now. She knows about everything. We are in Christian therapy together. We are working on marriage.

The Issue:
I think of suicide almost daily. I feel that God does not care about me. Why has He let me suffer in this for my whole life? We are a financial disaster. It seems like things just keep getting worse. I know that all things work together for those that love God. But I just don't see how if you have the power and means that you let people suffer like this. My head says that He cares. My experience says He doesn't.

 

[teresa]

Hello and welcome to CF SAAchristian757

I'm sorry for your struggles, dear friend.

You can ask the forum to pray for you here: Prayer Wall

You can ask for Christian Advice here: Christian Advice

You can ask to speak to one of our chaplains as well: Chaplains Office

Also discuss grief and loss here: Caregivers, Family & Grief Support

Here is a Prayer for Peace Within, its spoken word and is soothing:

 

[Amazing Horse]

John 14:19
Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.

John 15:20
Remember the word that I said unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord. If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you;

 

[Tolworth John]

I am sorry that you are suffering. May I ask a question?
What is your relationship with Jesus?
If you call yourself Christian, why do you say you are a Christian? What is it that makes you a Christian?

The sex drive, as you know is a powerful force and there isn't a man alive who doesn't suffer because of that drive. At least he does if he tries to contain it.

Please talk to someone about your relationship with Jesus and about your problems.

 

[SAAchristian757]

I am sorry that you are suffering. May I ask a question?
What is your relationship with Jesus?
If you call yourself Christian, why do you say you are a Christian? What is it that makes you a Christian?

The sex drive, as you know is a powerful force and there isn't a man alive who doesn't suffer because of that drive. At least he does if he tries to contain it.

Please talk to someone about your relationship with Jesus and about your problems.

My relationship with Christ is very strained. I have a lot of hurt and disappointment over all of this. When I was 19, I asked Christ into my heart (Rom 10:9). I ask myself a lot what else must I do to be saved. There is nothing I can do, I've asked Christ into my heart and asked Him to forgive me of my sins (1Jn 1:9). I have to rely on His sacrifice on the Cross for my payment of sin. I use to have a very active prayer and devotional life.

 

[Tempura]

My relationship with Christ is very strained. I have a lot of hurt and disappointment over all of this. When I was 19, I asked Christ into my heart (Rom 10:9). I ask myself a lot what else must I do to be saved. There is nothing I can do, I've asked Christ into my heart and asked Him to forgive me of my sins (1Jn 1:9). I have to rely on His sacrifice on the Cross for my payment of sin. I use to have a very active prayer and devotional life.

That's just about what I do. Can't do much else than to have hope that Christ is enough, because I am surely not. To have hope in that unconditional love, and try to live like unconditional love is a thing to strive for, even though we can rarely love that way. If I try living religion as if it's a bunch of rules, I fail. If I try to save myself, I fail. If I try to lie to myself and others, I fail. If I try to chase a feeling, that feeling of God - which we often do, you are doing it now - I fail. Feelings often betray us, and they come and go like the wind. For me, it's just about having hope. Where there is any kind of need or despair, there is also a place for hope. Sometimes faith, for me, is a choice. Because of that, I won't let it go even if I don't feel God. That may sound like it's depressing, but I think it's quite the opposite. In weakness His strength is made perfect. Perhaps you'll actually feel it one day.

 

[SAAchristian757]

That's just about what I do. Can't do much else than to have hope that Christ is enough, because I am surely not. To have hope in that unconditional love, and try to live like unconditional love is a thing to strive for, even though we can rarely love that way. If I try living religion as if it's a bunch of rules, I fail. If I try to save myself, I fail. If I try to lie to myself and others, I fail. If I try to chase a feeling, that feeling of God - which we often do, you are doing it now - I fail. Feelings often betray us, and they come and go like the wind. For me, it's just about having hope. Where there is any kind of need or despair, there is also a place for hope. Sometimes faith, for me, is a choice. Because of that, I won't let it go even if I don't feel God. That may sound like it's depressing, but I think it's quite the opposite. In weakness His strength is made perfect. Perhaps you'll actually feel it one day.

I use to feel it, until maybe about a year and a half ago. I always had hope that Christ would heal me. That somehow it will all be better. I've become very cynical about life. I have been fighting for 20 some years. I'm really tired of it. Looking back, If I knew then what I know now I would not have wasted those years; in other wards I would have came out as gay. If I have to spend the next 20 years like this I just assume die and be done with it.

 

[Tempura]

I use to feel it, until maybe about a year and a half ago. I always had hope that Christ would heal me. That somehow it will all be better. I've become very cynical about life. I have been fighting for 20 some years. I'm really tired of it. Looking back, If I knew then what I know now I would not have wasted those years; in other wards I would have came out as gay. If I have to spend the next 20 years like this I just assume die and be done with it.

I had that feeling once, feeling that "love". For a moment. I consider it a blessing, not as requirement, not as something I should demand.

I don't claim to be a wise man, nor someone who should speak on God's behalf. But I believe the Bible to be a spiritual book, not a book of laws just for the sake of laws. There are many things mentioned that are forbidden. Many of them seem like old, traditional convictions and regulations more than anything. I do not follow many of them. I've broken them a lot. I wear mixed fabrics, for example. We tend to make big deals out of A, while ignoring B. Just because we have always done so. I do not believe Christ bring more chains, I believe it's the opposite. Which is why I care more about faith than I do about religion. And if we're talking about what I believe to be sins, I've done plenty. I will continue to do them. This is why I need Christ. Why don't I hate myself, why aren't I desperate? Because I choose to hope that what I am - especially my failings - means far less than what God is, and what grace is. I know my weaknesses and I have many of them.

I'm not a homosexual. But If I was, I'm pretty sure I couldn't do much about it. And sexuality is just one thing. There are tons of things in each of us that we are or do, and some of them we want to change, some we can, some we can't. Some things are easy to notice, some things are very hidden. Pride, for example, is always hidden deep inside. So we don't even want to see it, especially in ourselves. It becomes easy to judge others for all kinds of various things if we think we're so clean and on a holy mission as judge and jury. And those who judge, they are full of pride. And I can't say that I'm not guilty of it myself.

I think it's good to accept some things about ourselves. Especially the things we don't like. To make peace with ourselves, to understand ourselves. Otherwise we end up hating ourselves, and everyone else soon after that. Faith that drives one to love, to have hope, and to treat others well is the most important thing. Fear and senseless shame over one's being is not. I struggle with these last two things, but I'm sure they're useless.

I guess I wanted to say that don't be too hard on yourself. You're not any more of an "abomination" than anyone else. Said a prayer for you. Hoping for guidance and peace to come your way. Just hang in there. Life is precious, even if our feelings about it often aren't. Sometimes we're driven on a very difficult path, but there is usually a chance to learn something about ourselves and the very nature of our faith when that happens.

 

[Tolworth John]

My relationship with Christ is very strained. I have a lot of hurt and disappointment over all of this. When I was 19, I asked Christ into my heart (Rom 10:9). I ask myself a lot what else must I do to be saved. There is nothing I can do, I've asked Christ into my heart and asked Him to forgive me of my sins (1Jn 1:9). I have to rely on His sacrifice on the Cross for my payment of sin. I use to have a very active prayer and devotional life.

Tempura has said better than I can.
If you are Jesus then you are his.
We are not promised that sinnful desires will cease, for many Christians life is one long struggle with sexual temptation.

 

[SAAchristian757]

Tempura has said better than I can.
If you are Jesus then you are his.
We are not promised that sinnful desires will cease, for many Christians life is one long struggle with sexual temptation.

I think what is really upsetting is this is more than temptation. There is anxiety, PTSD, OCD, isolation, can't seem to connect with males (the correct way), feelings that I'm the wrong gender (I have gender dysphoria) and a lot of emotional pain. It's difficult to get help or feel the love from the Body of Christ because this is not something people understand. Usually, they are hostile to anything LGBT. I have to hear that we are perverts from the pulpit.

 

[Tolworth John]

I think what is really upsetting is this is more than temptation. There is anxiety, PTSD, OCD, isolation, can't seem to connect with males (the correct way), feelings that I'm the wrong gender (I have gender dysphoria) and a lot of emotional pain. It's difficult to get help or feel the love from the Body of Christ because this is not something people understand. Usually, they are hostile to anything LGBT. I have to hear that we are perverts from the pulpit.

Are you getting treatment?
Mental illness of any sortdoes not just get better without treatment.
If your church is proclaining an unloving and unhelpfull message. I am afraid only you can meet with them and explain the treatment you are undergoing, the suffering you are endurring and ask them how can they help and support you.

 

[SAAchristian757]

Are you getting treatment?
Mental illness of any sortdoes not just get better without treatment.
If your church is proclaining an unloving and unhelpfull message. I am afraid only you can meet with them and explain the treatment you are undergoing, the suffering you are endurring and ask them how can they help and support you.

Yes, I'm in treatment. Unfortunately, I am sworn to secrecy to my family about my issues...

 

[Tolworth John]

I am sworn to secrecy to my family about my issues...

Secrecy and shame make it hard to change attitudes of those who have never knowingly met someone struggling with these issues.