Does anyone listen

[Man From Dirt]

They say talking about your past helps you get over it. What happens when you can't talk about your past to anyone. What if it is because of your past that you're afraid to talk to someone. Don't tell me you know how I feel. How it feels to be cut down, called ugly every day of your life, to have to live self-consciously in constant fear that your not only going to be verbally abused but physically too, not just for what you think and say, but for how you look or how your hair is. It scars you for life. You can try to work it out in your head, make sense of it, and in paper you can say “ya this will work”, but it doesn't. All you can do is sit and stay sad and wonder why you were picked to be the scapegoat for others.

How do you think it feels to be unable to feel loved? Isn't that a terrifying thought? Welcome to my misery. It's so ingrained that I am too ugly or too weird to find someone. And it's easy to pass it off when it happens occasionally, but six years? Going through the motions day to day to come home to what? The reality that I am still alone and will probably always will be. It hurts more than you can think. The tears don't make it easier, they make you tired so you can sleep and forget that life really sucks.

You know the guy who mumbles to himself all the time, who everybody thinks is so strange? There's a good chance that if you tell them you're willing to listen they'll open up. Cause I'm not gonna when every time I have it's just used as ammo against me. The honest truth is I'd love to pour my problems out on someone, and that they'd care. That they would sincerely care. But it doesn't happen. The only reason I don't off myself is faith in God that it will get better, and that in the end, I'll be able to do what I was created for and sing praises to my saviour.

How about things we take for granted. First kisses, first dates. My dates have been flukes, and first kiss? Forget it hasn't happened yet. But how can I expect it too if all I can think of is how much nobody will want me? How do you have confidence to speak to a women if you have absolutely zero confidence in how you look? So I'm told I'm ugly and in combination with no women has ever wanted to date me, well, it feels like they may be right. All I'm looking for is for a girl to say “You're looking good”. But alas, it appears that it won't happen. If only being lonely didn't hurt. If it didn't cut so deep, create such a debilitating pain, then maybe I'd get over it. But it gets hard to walk with the pain in your chest, ready to burst open in tears in public any second.

So then I wallow in self pity and shame, and end up sinning to make myself feel better. It doesn't. Actually, I feel worse, and I don't feel like I should even be forgiven by my saviour at that time, but it's wonderful that He does. But to take away the pain for a second.... oh the misery, the sorrow, the pain. How I wish it would end. So I seclude myself from others, so that I don't feel like I'm being judged, but in doing so, I'm just defaulting their judgement that I'm just a crazy loner who doesn't want to talk to anyone. Please just come and sit with me. Just be in my presence so I'm not alone anymore. A hug would be nice too.

It's funny how being alone can change you. I read more, and have realized a lot of things. How kids say things when their young they don't mean. And while you can tell and try to convince yourself that it's no longer true, try telling that to your conscience when your out and about, in the thought pattern that you're not good enough. I didn't choose to be like this, trust me. I've tried changing what I can to hopefully rid myself of these feelings, but I find that they isolate me from others even more. So now I'm stuck in this shameful spot. I can see the the problem, I can see the causes and the symptoms, but I can't do anything about it. I can do nothing for me. Somebody else has to. Somebody else has to hold me and comfort, because no matter what I say it doesn't make a difference. But you see, that's not going to happen. I can't go to anybody. And nobody wants to come to me.

Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if maybe I hadn't switched schools when I was ten. Maybe those relationships with the female friends I had would've turned into something more as I progressed through age. Unfortunately I chose to be home schooled, the first of my isolation and had I seen in coming then, probably would've chosen a different path. Instead, because of lack of parents at the time,, and though I didn't know it at the time, loneliness, the enemy had a chance to sink his claws in to my innocent self. Now pornography has tainted what I see when I see women, exasperating an already difficult problem. If only I hadn't turned on the television that fateful day I when I was about to turn thirteen.

I remember playing Harvest Moon and when you'd court the women, I'd think to myself “I can't wait to get married one day”. Now I sit here, 21 and single. Never had a girlfriend, not even a first kiss. Figured I'd be married by now, hopefully with kids. Instead I sulk when I know I should be praying. Be thankful that you're not hurting like me. All I can say is, someone please help me. Can you pray for me?

 

[mikemack]

You're right, I can't say what all of that feels like. But I did grow up moving constantly. I wonder about the few places where I did start to form relationships if anything would be different had I stayed.

If not for family I'd spend all my time alone. The most stressful time of the week for me is the Sunday before church. Sometimes the thought of it scares me so much ill sin just so I have a reason not to go.
See my problem isn't that I feel ugly, its that I have almost uncontrollable stress. Someone can knock on the door and in a minute ill be sweating heavily, my face will turn bright red and mentally ill just be wanting them to leave already so I can stop looking that way infront of them.

Never been kissed, on a date, and I wonder "what if" I had never seen that porn when I was younger.

But do you know what you do have? You're still so young and you don't even realize it. You figured out already that you'd like, need, things to change. I have almost ten years on you and I only just figured this out a few years ago. And while my life is no where near where I'd like it it is getting there now.

But more importantly God showed me one thing. We need confidence in Him. Self confidence is great, but it can only do so much to change life. Confidence in God can do anything.

About a year ago I was in an elevator and my body started to stress out. Only the whole time it was happening I was smiling, and I didn't care what those who saw me thought about it. Now that may seem irrelevant to some, but it was the first time in my life I understood what people meant when they said to just trust God and he'll take care of everything.

As of today my life isn't always like that. But the more I learn and trust God the better it gets.

And I agree that sometimes it's just nice to be able to talk...so if you ever want to say anything just message me. Ill be praying.

 

[Man From Dirt]

Romans 6:14 Sin will not have power over you because you are not under the law but under grace. If sin does still have power over you, clearly you are not under grace (completely) but still operating under the law. Sin's passion is aroused by the law (Romans 7:5) The strength of sin is the law (1 Cor 15:56). Under grace all we have to do is rest in Him. How? The way I did it was to just thank Him every time I sinned that I am still righteous before Him because of what Jesus did. Not my obedience but His. After about three days of praying this I felt so free. I started to praise and worship Him because He truly set me free. The accuser will come against you trying to make you feel guilty for sins but don’t listen to him. God nailed the law to the cross and in doing so He disarmed Satan (Col 2:14-15). Don’t give Satan back his power over you by going back under the law. Sin is no longer imputed to us (believers). Sin is not taken into account when there is no law (Romans 5:13), but just by trying to be righteous by the law you are alienating yourself from Christ (Galatians 5:4) and have fallen from grace. Enter into His rest and stop trying to resist the temptation of sin with your own strength. Satan knows that sooner or later you will fall back into that sin. Resist by simply praising God–Satan hates that. All who rely on observing the law are still under the curse (Galatians 3:10) Why would you continue in the flesh what you started in the spirit (Galatians 3:3). Worship God in spirit and in truth (John 4:23) by praising Him, that will make you want to know more about Him. The more you know, the more you can’t help but fall in love with such a good God. That is your power to stop sinning. A good man is not even tempted to cheat on his wife. Not because it’s wrong but because he truly loves her and hurting her is just not an option. You won’t earn God’s favor. If you kept the law better than anyone else, Jesus would still be telling you, “there is still one thing you lack.” The law will only make you self-righteous (Phil 3:9) instead you should be seeking His righteousness (Romans 10:3) and not your own. His righteousness is through faith in Jesus and then you become a slave to righteousness (Romans 6:18). The Bible actually calls the teaching of the law “the ministry of death” (2 Cor 3:6-11) because the spirit gives life and the letter (law) kills. No matter what anyone tells you remember this: God loves you the same as He loves Jesus (John 17:23) and that is not because you are trying so hard to be good. It’s because God is a good God. I hope this helps someone like it helped me a few years ago. God Bless.

One more thing…
Please don’t misunderstand, the law is holy, righteous and good (Romans 7:12) which is why it doesn’t work for us–because we are not.

God Bless

I came across this looking for how to keep from sinning. I hope this comforts someone as much as it has me. May the He be praised now and forever!



--------------------

@mikemack
It's true, the more you trust God the better it gets. In my short time since re-dedication to Christ, I have realized this. I gave up my finances, my anger, my worries. It's been a blessing. I know that there is someone for me, I have seen it in a dream, the same ones that always "seem" to happen (They do, and I know the Lord is preparing me). I also know that the Lord is capable of anything having my own pains healed by his name, and seeing cancer healed through prayer. How could you possibly explain a hand with every bone crushed in it miraculously healed? I know the Lord keeps his promises too. I also know that those shameful chains of addiction need to be broken first before this will happen. It's difficult, but I am realizing that I shouldn't be relying on my own strength to break free of them, but rather through the strength of Christ.

 

[NoddaProbBob]

Man From Dirt...
I read your first post, and I want to say welcome to Christian Forums! You're going to be angry after I say this, but I want to say it. With almost every word you wrote, I nodded my head and said, "Yes, I know how you feel!" Contrary to what you think, it is possible for others to know how you feel. I mirror your life quite a bit. I know how it feels to start believing things you've been told. And this is only normal because we've been told over and over how we're not good enough, how we fall short. No one praises anyone for what they do right, and for the good that they are. We are constantly belitted. It hurts even more when it comes from someone you think you trust, especially when it's family. For most of my life, my older brother has abused me in every fashion. He was my constant reminder of inadequacy. Physical, emotional, you name it. I praise you for keeping your faith!
With that, I want to tell you that there is healing! Believe it when others say, yes, talking about your past does help. Because it does. I've recently began therapy after a rough past. And in just a couple short months, I've found some self-esteem buried deep in my dirt. I understand how you said you couldn't talk about anything because you've been discouraged from speaking. I was the same way. I grew up in a family that believed in sweeping things under the rug. And I can attest to the unhealthy outcomes of doing so. I, like you, began sinning to cope. I believe you can heal though. I never thought I could, and I am proof that relief is there if you seek it! Not only through therapy but through God as well. Seek him, and seek help. You will look back on that decision and be proud.
Everyday is a victory. One day at a time. Progress, not perfection.
You're more than welcome to private message me if you need anything.
I am praying for you!

 

[devastated]

Hi, I'm not going to say that I understand what you're going through, because I don't. I do struggle with low self-esteem and anxiety and depression. My husband left me three months ago and I have had many days where I struggle to get out of bed, or to eat, or to get dressed. But one thing that has helped me is going to counselling. I'm a girl, so I don't know whether you (as a male) would take to counselling, but it has certainly helped me. I've never really been good at expressing my feelings (not a typical girl). And at the moment I don't want to talk to anyone I know for fear that they will judge me, and because I feel like a complete failure. So fo me it is a lot easier to talk to a stranger. She has helped me understand why I feel the way I do, and just listened to what I have to say -without judgement. She has told me (athough most of the time I don't believe it) that I am a good person and that the bad things that happen to me aren't all my fault. She has also encouraged me to cling to God as his grace will help me.

I don't know whether what I write will help you, but I pray that you will continue to turn to God. You need to cling to God and work on yourself before you are ready for a relationship. Believe me, I know that. I depended too much on my husband for my self-esteem, and now I am lower than I ever was. So work on yourself, and don't just jump into any relationship just for the sake of a relationship. Pray for strength and guidance from God. And he is has plans for you to be in a relationship and be married, then it will happen.

 

[saved24]

Praying for you MFD,

I also have not gone through everything you have gone through but I feel for you. I was told often enough when I was young, that I was ugly by my peers that I believed them. I pray that with the Lord's help you will know how much He loves you and that He sees someone very lovable and you are not ugly. You are fearfully and wonderfully made as it says in Psalm 139:14. I pray that will be a verse you will look at often.

So much good advice from your fellow Christians, and you have also posted things that will help others.

God bless.

 

[AmplifiedHeart]

Hi I can definatly say that I can relate to you. I have very low self esteem and I suffer from severe depression. I have been told I was ugly for the better part of my life too. I was picked on constantly at school by students and teachers alike, yea u read that right..even some of the teachers were nasty to me because of the way I looked. I know how it feels to lock yourself in your room, completly isolated from society. Everything you described , I can relate to.

 

[Klesk]

Dude I used to play Harvest Moon on the Nintendo 64! It was awesome!

You're right. Only you know exactly how you feel at the moment. I remember a time (not too long ago) when I was contemplating suicide. When I felt completely alone and numb to the world around me, unable to feel happiness. I would take long drives late at night because I couldn't sleep, and I wasn't able to eat anything at times either. God seemed a million miles away, and my life was nothing like I thought it would be. Worst time of my life. Nobody understood what I was going through. At least thats what I knew to be true.

Then I found out that God uses the worst, most broken people for the greatest of things. When God says that "He knows the plans he has for you- plans to give you a future and a hope" He's not telling a joke. I didn't understand why God would make me go through the things that I had gone through. That is, until he helped me counsel several people out of some of the worst depressions of their lives. I didn't even know it at the time, but God had chosen to put little me in the path of some people to help them get through the worst times in their lives. They needed someone that had gone through the darkness that I had gone through, and God used me to get to them. He will do the same for you.

Somewhere down the line, you're going to help someone get through the worst times in their lives. You might even save their lives. God is shaping you into the man he wants you to be. God uses people like you to communicate and relate to a broken world. Life will improve my friend, and God makes no mistakes. Trust in God. Spend time in His Word. Stay true. Your best days are still ahead. And God is going to use you for His glory.

 

[batsheba]

i came across this and held on to it, now i know why. this will help you a lot.


You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11
One day I'll wipe away every tear from your eyes and take away all the pain, you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is... Will you be my child? John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32