Does anyone else feel this way?

[Porcelain]

I've only self-injured once, and it was quite some time ago; however, I've really felt the need to cut lately, and it's something I've really been struggling with. I haven't yet, for the most part because I know how dangerous it is. I know better, but still, I can't fight this feeling. This may sound strange, but sometimes I feel the need to hurt myself when I feel closest to God; or rather when I long to feel close to God. It's like when I can't feel Him, I want to experience the deepest pain (more so emotionally), and cutting just makes me feel alive. The deep emptiness of being unable to be close to Him makes me want to feel anything just to know my heart is still there. Also, when I feel close to Him, it stirs up so many emotions, and cutting is almost like a release. Can anybody else relate to these feelings?

Well, my spiritual struggle has been one reason for my thoughts about cutting, but I also feel like doing it just to make the pain inside more real. It's like if I can see the blood on my arms, I can't be imagining this. Right? I don't know...it's just something I'm really debating in my mind, and I was wondering if anyone has any thoughts or advice. There's so much more I want to say, but I think I'll stop here for now. Thanks for reading this, if you do.

p.s. I just have to get this out...I'm only 15, but I hate how some people (including peers) view teenagers who self-injure. I'm not trying to be 'emo', and I'm not just freaking out over some little thing that won't matter tomorrow. I realize that at a young age, it's very easy to be unable to see the whole picture and to make things out to be worse than they are. However, I just wish that people wouldn't be so quick to judge emotions. This is a deep emptiness and longing for God....it will still be there tomorrow. *sigh*...just had to get that off my chest.

 

[FireLight09]

You know what? You're not alone. Remember that. I never got to the point of cutting myself, but I've been down those roads. I've felt pain, sorrow. Being alone. Not knowing where to turn. Being powerless over what's happening... I sunk into despair, hopelessness. I stopped caring about others. I considered suicide. I felt isolated from God. Feeling like you can't reach Him... it's a hard pain to bear.

Just remember. He's closer than you think. You have a love for God that I see in you, the desire for an intimate relationship. You want to just know Him. You want to love Him and embrace His love. He's there. He loves you. He cares for you more than you realize. Just move forward. If things are holding you back, let them go, break free from them. Do whatever you can to let go of the past and keep going forward. Don't be afraid to be real with God. He wants to know you, just as you want to know Him. He wants the same intimate relationship you want. Break free, and go meet Him.

And, no, you're not emo in any way. If anything, I'm proud that you would admit something like this. I dunno why I'm saying this to a complete stranger, but you just seem like you needed the help. God bless, I will be praying for you. And, remember, you're not alone.

 

[luv2bowl2008]

i do... i feel like i just want to let go and do it... it had been about 4 months since i last did it... but stress has been getting to me a lot... so i was sitting in foods class yesterday... and i didn't even realize it... but after i saw what i was doing... i kept doing it because i remembered that thats the only way i used to feel alive... the only way i knew i was not dead... and i'm not saying its ok to just give in... your stronger than me being able to not do it even after feeling like you want to... i'm praying for you... God Bless Kayla

 

[bassdrum1]

i have cut and yeah i felt that way for the most part too. but it deffently isn't the best way to handle feelings. i know. have friends who r accountable to u. let them keep u accountable,make sure u r o.k. that's what i do. and trust me, the more ppl say they care about u and love u, u won't want to do it. at least for a very long time. hope this helps.many hugs.

 

[Porcelain]

Hey guys, thanks for your help and prayers. I really appreciate it.

 

[NinadeDios777]

hey, that was kinda how i felt when i started cutting; like, i cut once, then it was a few months later i felt the strong need to cut again.... thats when it started getting out of control. i would cut sometimes at nights and i woudln't even know why. i would jsut need to.
i got out of control. so much i almost....just be careful ok? i'll be praying for you.

 

[julez]

your deffinately not alone..........ive felt this way so many times before....dont worry..i have to go but if u need some one to talk to, im here.