Someone said in an earlier post that they would find inappropriate content more problematic than an actual affair, because the actual affair only happens once - but inappropriate content happens "again and again and again".
Gotta admit - that's exactly the opposite way that I'd look at it. I'd find an actual affair FAR more problematic. The reason for this is mostly because of how I always looked at inappropriate content from a personal standpoint.
For me, when I'd indulge in inappropriate content, it was pretty much utilitarian. It was tied intrinsically to one specific thing - "self pleasuring". No more, no less. And to view it in it's proper context, for me at least, I have to look at the self-pleasure thing and how inappropriate content fit into it.
I figured out about self-pleasure long before I had the slightest hint and/or understanding about sex. I mean, really, it was as simple as I bumped into a wall one day and discovered "Hey, that felt kinda good". Once I discovered that, I was off to the races with it. I mean, why not? I discovered something that felt good.
So I was probably a year or two into that habit before I even started to put the pieces together of how that fit into other things. I started figuring out the sex thing, and what the act was mimicking, probably by around 12-13. And yeah, once I started to piece things together, it took on a sexual nature. Mostly it was in fantasy.
This was about the time that my pastor at church told us kids that "Sexual sin, including masturbation, is second only to murder in the eyes of God." - which really caused me problems - because I was in the midst of puberty, self-pleasuring already, etc. The next couple of years just sucked - because it was one failure after another - promising God I'd "never do it again", feeling that my immortal soul was in danger each time I "failed", etc.
One GOOD thing did come from that though...it made me really sit back and think about what I was doing - how it fit into the "sins" my church was trying to infer I was guilty of - etc...and I came to some conclusions.
Did it really fit into the "He who looks upon a woman with lust has already committed adultery in his heart"?
No, not really. I mean - when I self pleasured - sure - there were sexual thoughts associated with it. But, they were not directed at ANYONE. It was more like sexual scenarios I'd concoct in my head. There were female forms, there were sexual acts, etc...but I wasn't fantasizing about Lisa who sat across from me in History. I was fantasizing about a faceless, nameless, female form, engaging in a sex act with me.
Does a momentary product of your imagination count as a person that you're looking upon with lust? IMHO no. It's a creation of your mind to fulfill a need at the moment, and discarded the moment you don't need it any more. It's identity-less. I could understand the "don't look upon someone with lust" thing in that context if I was actually fantasizing about people - but I came to the conclusion that it wasn't the same thing. I never fantasized about real people.
As time progressed and I discovered inappropriate content - in a sense it almost became a substitute for that imaginary individual in my head. Almost a sort of intellectual laziness. Why exert the effort to concoct a scenario and/or figure in my head if one can be presented to me?
That really was what inappropriate content was, for me at least. I'd watch it if I felt the itch to go take care of myself, and once I was done, it was out of sight and out of mind. Two minutes after I was "done", I probably couldn't tell you the first detail about the girl. I couldn't tell you if she was blonde or brunette, her name, what happened (apart from "sex") in the video, etc. A half hour later, I likely would have forgotten I'd done it altogether. That's how much importance I put on it, and what space it occupied in my mind.
I mean, I'm 48 years old. I "discovered" self stimulation when I was probably 10-11 years old - went through puberty - went through my teens - my 20's - 30's - etc...and a good percent of that time was single. A good percent of that time was taking care of myself. Most likely we're talking total thousands of times if you were to really sit back and work out the math on it. MOST of those times included some concocted scenario in my head. A good percent of those times were watching a scenario presented to me. And I don't remember a single one of them. It truly was "I've got an itch, just took care of it, now on with my day." and whatever was in my head was forgotten about in short shrift.
So since that's how I see self-stimulation and it's corollaries of fantasy (and as a tangent inappropriate content) to assist in self-stimulation - I would FAR prefer my spouse to engage in that over an actual sex act with an actual person. Sure, that ACTUAL sex act with an ACTUAL person might be once whereas the inappropriate content (in my scenario) could be habitual - but ya know - the ACTUAL act (if she was anything like me) would be FAR more meaningful than the habitual self-rub and then going about her day forgetting about the whole thing.
That is a HUGE difference in my mind.
Now, I did eventually come to have a lot of problems with inappropriate content - but not for the types of reasons people are saying here. For me, it was coming to the realization that it wasn't just some substitute-for-my-fantasy I was watching. I was watching an actual person - and what kind of life events could lead someone to make those types of life choices? Where you'd show your face on VIDEO having sex with someone and all of the consequences socially that brings - for a couple of hundred bucks? Were there drugs? Was there sexual abuse they underwent when they were younger? Was my "substitute for fantasy" profiting an industry that exploited broken people?
I came to the conclusion that "yes, it was", and that's the basis of why I eventually came to have a lot of problems with it.
But I also understand people that might not be at that juncture yet - as I spent a good amount of time just kinda happily going along doing my own thing in a sort of disassociated way - equating what was really happening to those people with what ought have just remained within my head.
If that makes any sense.
