Do we always have to help when asked?

I don't know about the verses you seek, but I might have a story.

My (soon-to-be) father-in-law runs a Christian newspaper. There is this lady in town who comes by every once in a while. She asks to use the telephone and for money and all of these other things (like rides around town).

For a long time he too felt the need to help. He gave her money and acted very Christian about the whole thing. One day though, a police officer noticed what he was doing and came to inform him that this lady is well-known at the precinct (this is a small town too). Well, it turns out that this lady was known for taking advantage of all sorts of Christian churches and organizations around town.

My father-in-law then decided to draw a line. He informed this lady (nicely), that he would no longer be able to help her in such ways. I imagine if she ever really needed the things she was requesting, that then he would help. But as it were, he did not feel compelled in the Lord to continue "helping" her.

I know that this is not exactly the same situation, but I just want you to know that if you do not feel compelled to help this girl, perhaps it is of the Holy Spirit within you.

I would argue for you and say something along the lines that this is not really "helping her". If she needed help moving, or something more "legitimate", or if it were an opportunity to witness to someone or get to know someone so that you could begin to "plant seeds", these are all good reasons to look at your verses and say, "I need to get off my butt and help."

Your friend's request does not seem to fit that description.

whatseekye said:

Should a Christian always help another Christian out, even if it makes them uncomfortable or makes them feel used? I ask because I have a friend at church who always seems to call when she needs something. Sometimes she asks for help on things that I really don't think I should help her with, but I feel obligated according to my people pleasing tendency, and also some passages in the bible that say we should help others even when we don't want to. For instance, I recall that there's a passage that says if a person asks you to walk 1 mile with them, you should walk 2 miles. And another passage says that you should loan to people you don't like. But I really feel like I should set a boundary and say "no" to her latest request. She asked me to help her set-up her e-harmony (dating service) account. I told her a week ago that she needs to make it a priority to explore that Web site and set it up herself, otherwise she shouldn't pay for an expensive internet service that she doesn't know how to use. But she called me today and asked me to help because she can't figure it out. I don't feel comfortable being involved in her dating life. I imagine it may make me her constant helper with e-harmony, and then hearing her dating stories, and then meeting her dates, and then.... (???) I just don't want to go there. What would you do? I guess I can be honest and tell her that I don't want to be involved in that area of her life, and that I know it's selfish of me to not want to help. But I just don't want to be involved at all.

Do you know any bible verses that suggest a Christian should be discerning when getting involved and helping?

Click to expand...

I've wondered this, too. I have a coworker/friend who needs a servant for every finger and toe. He literally comes across lazy and just doesn't want to do anything himself and always asks me to help him. It frustrates me after awhile. His wife does EVERYTHING for him just like his mom did when he was a child. It aggravates me and if my heart isn't right in what I am doing, then am I wasting my time by not being a 'cheerful giver'? Now, if he needed me, had a problem he needed to discuss, or truly needed help moving something or assisting him in taking to his vehicle, then I would not have any reservation. I'm glad that you made this post because I was thinking the same thing earlier.

That's tough situation... Getting involved on web related stuff whit people who don't know what they are asking can be... tricky. If you help her you could give her advice and tips so she learns her self. Instead of doing it all for her. Because like you said she should know what she is paying for.

Hmm, have you thought that maybe she needs a friend?

Here's how I look at it: we are supposed to be cheerful givers, servants to each other, feed and clothe and house the needy, etc. But, that is really very different from being at someone's beck and call for anything and everything.

If this girl needed money to pay her rent or she would be thrown out, or didn't have groceries to feed her kid, or needed a friend to help her out of an abusive relationship, or anything that is a *necessity* as opposed to a *want* - then I would say yes, you should help her. But a person's extraneous wants are not our obligation to meet. We need to help them meet their needs. I don't think an internet dating site qualifies as a need.

A quick story of my own:

I have a friend who is always having trouble with her computer. She is a newbie at the internet and never used any virus protection. I had to clean her computer of viruses and worms, reinstall her operating system, etc., and I spent hours at her house on several occasions getting things fixed up. My husband and I even spent 6 hours on Easter Sunday last year helping her out. She needed a computer to send resumes out for her husband, so it was a necessity.

As part of my fix-up for her, I put Norton and a firewall on her computer, and showed her how to use them. I expressed the importance of keeping the products up to date so this kind of thing didn't happen again. She messed up a second time, and I told her again how important it is for her to keep her virus software updated, and I spent more time cleaning her computer. She messed up again - out of laziness for not wanting to spend the time on dial-up to get the virus protection updates. I stopped going over there to help her. I gave her verbal instructions on what to do, but I let her work it out for herself. I was tired of going over the same things with her repeatedly. She had to figure out what a pain in the butt it is to fix this stuff so she would be more careful.

And she figured it out. She fixed it - it took her a looooong time, but she did it - and she was proud of herself for doing it on her own. Furthermore, she saw how much time it took to correct the problem and she is now much more careful about keeping her computer updated herself. I'm still willing to help her out, but I'm not going to spend hours at her house doing things for her that she can do herself.

Anyway. Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime.

You have a choice. You are not obligated to help everyone who asks for your assistance. you may be asked for help in matters that are morally or spiritually dubious, in such a case you can always respond negatively...also, though it may be seen as the 'christian thing to do' to help those who request our help, it doesn't neccessarily do any favours for the one doing the asking if we don't allow them to work things out on their own.

You have to decide where the boundaries are drawn, and evaluate each situation as it arises.

God bless.

It is ok for a Christian to say no and to have boundaries. We are supposed to be servants, but that doesn't mean being doormats. Sometimes we do need to do things we would rather not - but we don't have to let other people use us. In fact, sometimes the most loving thing to do is to stand up for ourselves and make the other person fend for himself/herself. That way he/she will learn valuable life skills other than how to get someone else to do everything.

Great topic, whatseekye. I appreciate the chance to think about this, and also liked your perspective on doing what Jesus has called you to specifically. I think our attitudes are what are most important. We may not be able to help everyone, but we ought to *desire* to help them. That's better than NOT wanting to help and feeling obligated to.

We're all finite beings with finite time, and God's given us certain responsibilities. It's fine, imho, to take care of one's responsibilities first and then - IF you have more time in your schedule - to help those constantly needy friends. I mean, the important thing is that you would desire to help someone more than you would desire to squander six spare hours on TV, right?

Anyway, in the end, you and the Lord know where your heart is. Other people -- such as needy friends, or in my case, a passive-aggressive friend -- will always try to define who you are. If you don't help out when they want you to, you're a "bad friend." If I don't act exactly the way my friend expects me to I am "mean."

God knows your heart. Just make your efforts to keep your heart under His care.

Jenster said:

If you don't help out when they want you to, you're a "bad friend." If I don't act exactly the way my friend expects me to I am "mean."

God knows your heart. Just make your efforts to keep your heart under His care.

Click to expand...

My coworker/friend likes to say, "That's 'real' Christ-like of you to not help me." He'll say something like that when he wants ME to walk out to his car and get something when he is just being lazy. However, if there was ever a time that he needed my help, I would crawl out of bed in the middle of the night to help him, no questions asked.

You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable or make you feel like you're being used. You always have the option of saying no whether it feels right or not. But you can always help someone out by praying. You may not be helping them physically, but you'll help them some other way. Besides, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, and you don't do whatever it is, then maybe you're benefiting them as well.

whatseekye said:

Should a Christian always help another Christian out, even if it makes them uncomfortable or makes them feel used? I ask because I have a friend at church who always seems to call when she needs something. Sometimes she asks for help on things that I really don't think I should help her with, but I feel obligated according to my people pleasing tendency, and also some passages in the bible that say we should help others even when we don't want to. For instance, I recall that there's a passage that says if a person asks you to walk 1 mile with them, you should walk 2 miles. And another passage says that you should loan to people you don't like. But I really feel like I should set a boundary and say "no" to her latest request. She asked me to help her set-up her e-harmony (dating service) account. I told her a week ago that she needs to make it a priority to explore that Web site and set it up herself, otherwise she shouldn't pay for an expensive internet service that she doesn't know how to use. But she called me today and asked me to help because she can't figure it out. I don't feel comfortable being involved in her dating life. I imagine it may make me her constant helper with e-harmony, and then hearing her dating stories, and then meeting her dates, and then.... (???) I just don't want to go there. What would you do? I guess I can be honest and tell her that I don't want to be involved in that area of her life, and that I know it's selfish of me to not want to help. But I just don't want to be involved at all.

Do you know any bible verses that suggest a Christian should be discerning when getting involved and helping?

Click to expand...

Greetings ,

Even though this thread came to somewhat of a conclusion , additional words cry out to be heard .

Intriguing and exciting are the many ways in which Bible verses address the many varied issues and situations common to humanity .

For this reason some may think The Bible has a lot of contradictions .

But it's really a matter of understanding which verses fit best with the matter in question .

And this ability is given us by God's Spirit .

There is rarely , if ever , one statement that will always apply , regardless of the details of our situation .

A few exceptions would be : Seek The Lord's counsel . Find The Lord's counsel . And Follow The Lord's counsel .

Because -

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. <-----> Isaiah 9:6

And -

He revealeth the deep and secret things: he knoweth what is in the darkness, and the light dwelleth with him. <-----> Daniel 2:22

Also -

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven . <-----> Ecclesiastes 3:1

As a general Principle we are told :

Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again. <-----> Luke 6:30


And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins. <-----> 1st Peter 4:8


As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith. <-----> Galatians 6:10

General Principles cover the broad spectrum of life's experiences .
They are idealistic and full of promise .

Individual situations sometimes conflict with the application of these ideals .

Then specific instructions are sometimes applicable , which are less ideal in nature , for they are designed to address an unideal which does not positively respond to the ideals of the general Principle .

Such as , when there is a lack of reciprocation , and an inequity results , which is due to indifference or sloth , and not a case of genuine incapacitation .

Consider the following verses -

For if there be first a willing mind, it is accepted according to that a man hath, and not according to that he hath not.
For I mean not that other men be eased, and ye burdened:
But by an equality, that now at this time your abundance may be a supply for their want, that their abundance also may be a supply for your want: that there may be equality:
As it is written, He that had gathered much had nothing over; and he that had gathered little had no lack. <-----> 2nd Corinthians 8:12-15

Note that the " having no lack " is meant to be for all concerned , not just those with the most outstanding sense of need .

Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye withdraw yourselves from every brother that walketh disorderly, and not after the tradition which he received of us.
For yourselves know how ye ought to follow us: for we behaved not ourselves disorderly among you;
Neither did we eat any man's bread for nought; but wrought with labour and travail night and day, that we might not be chargeable to any of you:
Not because we have not power, but to make ourselves an ensample unto you to follow us.
For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat. <-----> 2nd Thessalonians 3:6-10

( See Also 1st Timothy Ch. 5 - for discussion over who should receive support from the Church , specifically regarding widows .)

The Principle which guides the principle of giving is that we give where there is evidence that it will do the most good .

Else , unnecessarily unreciprocal causes will deplete our resources and ultimately leave those who can positively respond with regard for equality and fairness , with less .

Now by reciprocal , and equality in giving , this does not mean we should give only to those who can give back in the same way ,( i.e. materially for material , etc . )

For it is written :

Then said he also to him that bade him, When thou makest a dinner or a supper, call not thy friends, nor thy brethren, neither thy kinsmen, nor thy rich neighbours; lest they also bid thee again, and a recompence be made thee.
But when thou makest a feast, call the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind:
And thou shalt be blessed; for they cannot recompense thee: for thou shalt be recompensed at the resurrection of the just. <-----> Luke 14:12-14

This principle applies where others have no resources to repay .

In instances where there are resources , yet there is negligence .

The following applies -

Woe unto him that buildeth his house by unrighteousness, and his chambers by wrong; that useth his neighbour's service without wages, and giveth him not for his work . <-----> Jeremiah 22:13

The understanding here is that we give where it will do the most good .

For this reason , those who to seek exploit the giving of others , who've found it's just physically easier to let the burden fall on someone else , ( without compensating them ) , who have the ability , but lack the proper inspiration / motivation ; these are not being helped by continued support .

But those who show that they are truly grateful , by doing what they can , not wanting to be a burden , if at all possible ; these are those who are truly in need , and not simply posing as a charity case , ( because it's easier to leech off others ) , rather than to take some inititive and teach themselves as much as can be learned , so that they are , in turn , not only - not a burden , but able to help others also .

As in -

Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth. <-----> Ephesians 4:28

Peace and Joy , In The Beloved .

wm