Do People avoid you

[karykay]

As a single person do other people avoid you? My aunt told me long time ago that after her husband died her friends disappeared. As if she now was taboo.
Married couples are reluctant to make friends with single people.
I found out why! as a single man or woman you are a possible threat to a married couple. They are scared that you will steel they partners or have an affair with their husband or wife.
This is part of the problem I have had, as soon as people find out I am single their attitude towards me changes, they become more cautious and less friendly.
It took 18 years for my neighbor to trust me, that I was not going to steel her husband. And it think she was worried since I did not have friend or boyfriends.

And another thing when you are not married others are inclined to think there is something wrong with you. They wonder if you are backward or gay. And it is worse when you are not and extrovert.

So have you experienced this?

 

[dayhiker]

karykay ... I think you are pretty accurate with your evaluation. Tho it hasn't been with every married couple I've known. But there is clearly a tread. Yet I also when I've been single felt strange calling up married people and asking if I can come over and hang out as well. So there is a two way separation.
Both when I was married and single I have always respected the other group. Yet I usually was hanging out most of the time with the group I was apart of.
When I've been single this time I'm much more comfortable around married people that I was back in my 20s. So I think things can change as we mature.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I think some married people might be worried that you would steal their partner, but others I think just want to hang around people like them. Like 2 couples instead of a couple and a single gal. What if the two gals get to talking and then the man has to sit there and observe?
I would never even think of trying to steal someone's spouse. But I guess not everyone would know that. I remember after my husband died and his best friend and I became good friends. And from my end it was friends only. So then he gets a girlfriend and I tried to be friends with her also, but she was really jealous of me for some reason. Then my SIL and BIL told ME I needed to get a life now that he had a GF. I was like WOW! My husband just died, I needed a friend and his best friend was there, I would have loved to be friends with him AND his GF but I needed to go find a life! I was like OK...where should I go to find this life? He was the only one that was a friend to me at the time and I was feeling pretty low after I was told to get a life. BUT my BIL and SIL have a VERY jealous relationship. She is always concerned that her neighbor wants her husband and you can't even joke with them if one can't get ahold of the other like "oh he's probably at his GF's house" OH NO! I did that once and it caused SERIOUS problems. I was like WOW if I thought this was really an issue I certainly would not joke about it. SMH

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

As a single person do other people avoid you? My aunt told me long time ago that after her husband died her friends disappeared. As if she now was taboo.
Married couples are reluctant to make friends with single people.
I found out why! as a single man or woman you are a possible threat to a married couple. They are scared that you will steel they partners or have an affair with their husband or wife.
This is part of the problem I have had, as soon as people find out I am single their attitude towards me changes, they become more cautious and less friendly.
It took 18 years for my neighbor to trust me, that I was not going to steel her husband. And it think she was worried since I did not have friend or boyfriends.

And another thing when you are not married others are inclined to think there is something wrong with you. They wonder if you are backward or gay. And it is worse when you are not and extrovert.

So have you experienced this?

I agree with your summation almost entirely.

When these scenarios arise, its based on insecurity and lack of trust toward the Single and maybe sometimes...toward a Spouse who has been wayward in the past . I think it has alot to do with how Single people are stereotyped in movies and TV with their world being one of 'mega-hedonism' . So, as Singles we have that to contend with as well.

What ive found as a Single with Marrieds., is, the absolute necessity to never be alone with someones Spouse (wife) and only when they are both home . Billy Graham said he has never rode in an elevator with another woman where its been just them two, and its this kind of precaution that has to be excerised i feel.

 

[Willie T]

Wow! What friends. After my first wife died, I was included in so many things our married friends did that I hardly had a free day to myself.

 

[karykay]

Wow! so you have noticed as well. Thinking about my uncle he must of felt the odd one out not have another man around to talk to. When my aunt, mother and myself were together my uncle would got off and work in the garage. So couples must find it difficult to be friends with a single person.

I think Billy Graham's approach is a wise one, I never thought about that. Now I see the complications that can arise. This is something to remember.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

Oh, wow, I could write something similar! I think if you are older and never married or haven't been married for a long time, people will think there is something wrong with you. I know of widows/widowers who have been treated like they are bad luck or something - some have written on this forum about that. I am pretty sure there is less stigma on divorced people, but I'm sure that some still exists.

I grew up as a bit of a loner. I was into science and some arts, like Classical music. I often didn't have any close friends. I think in college I went to two or three parties, total. I never was part of any cliques at school or work. This helped me to be independent-minded but I also didn't have a "good old boy" network backing me up. The truth be told I am probably guilty of avoiding people. Sometimes I'm preoccupied with things and talking would be a distraction. I'm probably seen as unfriendly. I don't do a lot of small talk at work but I can lead meetings when I have too.

When socializing at church, some people know I am single. I don't think I have ever told anyone I was never married. I think a guy who is never married beyond a certain age is seen as probably gay, or a playboy, or someone mentally immature who spends his life in video games and comic books. I imagine some people incorrectly think I'm gay - I used to work as an artist - I would rather go to a museum than a football game. And I don't fit in with the playboy or Peter Pan stereotypes, either. People who know me better know I don't seem to fit in any stereotype well. Some people find that interesting but I know some people find me a puzzle and off-putting.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

.................

I think Billy Graham's approach is a wise one, I never thought about that. Now I see the complications that can arise. This is something to remember.

He is a smart man cause in his Position, he is even more open to Rumors flying around based on lies . There are born Gossipers that have poisoned spirits who actually get enjoyment out of defaming Others . So its something we all have to be aware of ; choosing Ones friends wisely is so important as well as watching for potential snare traps .

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Oh, wow, I could write something similar! I think if you are older and never married or haven't been married for a long time, people will think there is something wrong with you. I know of widows/widowers who have been treated like they are bad luck or something - some have written on this forum about that. I am pretty sure there is less stigma on divorced people, but I'm sure that some still exists.

I grew up as a bit of a loner. I was into science and some arts, like Classical music. I often didn't have any close friends. I think in college I went to two or three parties, total. I never was part of any cliques at school or work. This helped me to be independent-minded but I also didn't have a "good old boy" network backing me up. The truth be told I am probably guilty of avoiding people. Sometimes I'm preoccupied with things and talking would be a distraction. I'm probably seen as unfriendly. I don't do a lot of small talk at work but I can lead meetings when I have too.

When socializing at church, some people know I am single. I don't think I have ever told anyone I was never married. I think a guy who is never married beyond a certain age is seen as probably gay, or a playboy, or someone mentally immature who spends his life in video games and comic books. I imagine some people incorrectly think I'm gay - I used to work as an artist - I would rather go to a museum than a football game. And I don't fit in with the playboy or Peter Pan stereotypes, either. People who know me better know I don't seem to fit in any stereotype well. Some people find that interesting but I know some people find me a puzzle and off-putting.

I have to admit Dr. that at first glance or knowledge of someone being never married, I would think "what's wrong with them?" BUT after having gotten to know a little of your story on here I don't think it's odd for you at all. I do understand it. And because of knowing you on here, it has changed my perception of others that I might come across that have never been married.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

Thanks, Michelle! Most kind of you to say that.

 

[miss-a]

My story on this is similar to what's already been said. The only thing I can add it that often times I don't think the discrimination is intentional, but rather that they don't think about it or notice they are doing it. I've had couples around me all talk about going out to lunch after church. We finish our conversation and they all go off, and I don't think it ever dawns on them that they didn't think to invite me, nor do I think it dawns on them that they should have. I don't at all think they dislike me, but rather they are so involved in their couples and families scene, it just doesn't occur that other life forms are out there.

There was a time in my life when this really bothered me, truly broke my heart. As a newer Christian I'd heard the term "church family" so much, and because I don't have an actual family I was excited to think I might get a church family. Finding out I wouldn't was a crushing blow. But in the last year or so, the Lord has really helped me bounce back from that. Now I see going to church and being their for others as service and an opportunity to take the lower seat. He's freed me from needing to be included in the family sense. I guess people just aren't ready for that yet, and I'm okay with it. God does grant us serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. Some things just need to be filed under "accept the things we cannot change," so we can move on and into whatever the Lord has for us.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Thanks, Michelle! Most kind of you to say that.

well you are most welcome, but I am not just saying it to be kind. I really mean it!

I don't know what God has planned for you, but surely it must be something good and if it involves a lady, I just know you will treat her right and she will be perfect for you.

I don't know what God has in store for me either, but I agree with miss-a I have to file it under things I cannot control.

 

[redblue22]

maybe the wife or husband senses that his or her spouse really could be stolen.

.

 

[karykay]

I think sometimes it is that they do not trust themselves or their spouse.