Do men need to be needed?

[Doctor Strangelove]

In that case I think the people you call self-sufficient have too much pride to admit that they really need someone.

I guess I was like that to an extent. I was lonely but I would chide myself for having such "weak" feelings which I tried to suppress. That did get me through a difficult time in my life where I had to suppress a lot of my feelings to just cope with a lot of bad things that were going on. Now that I am more comfortable being human I can acknowledge my feelings without denying them or being overly controlled by them. I think in a way owning up to my needs has made me less "needy."

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

To be honest it seems to me that you do not seem to know what question it is that you want people in this thread to answer. I said I disagree with your initial assumption. If that is not good enough for you, then have it your way.

what ever you say man...peace out!

 

[Spunkn]

OK I'll admit it! I need someone! I just don't need someone to BE my happiness. I am pretty self sufficient in the fact that I have no choice but to do it all on my own. Would I LIKE help? YES I would. Do I NEED it? NO I do not. But I also don't go around broadcasting either position. I don't go around saying "I don't need ANYONE!" nor do I go around saying "OH I wish I had someone in my life." But I DO agree with what you said.

I don't think you absolutely -need- someone to be your happiness. However, I think everyone has a desire to be needed. Does that make sense? So for example

A man gets into a relationship with a woman who is needy. He takes care of, makes her feel good, does all the handyman stuff etc. It's very obviously reflected to him that he is somehow supplying a need.

A man gets into a relationship where the woman is extremely independant and always used to doing things herself. It's not as obvious here for the man that he's needed so it can be more of a struggle and not as enticing as the other relationship because feeling needed can be a strong emotion. While he may not be needed for all the handyman work, and that sort of thing. The woman still has need for feeling loved. Appreciated for who she is as a person. And I would say that in this sort of relationship the woman needs to be careful that she does not take control of everything because to do so would be to strip the manhood from a man (if you want to call it that).

I say this as someone who has always been sort of a very passive person. I am not good at taking control. So naturally I would be attracted to someone who does take control. At first it would work out, but eventually it would get ugly because I believe God wants the man to be the head of the family. To feel confident in leading his family and worship and certain decisions. That is not to say the man should ignore the wife in decisions and areas of worship.

It's hard to describe what I want to actually say, and maybe I'm failing at it I don't know.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

what ever you say man...peace out!

I'm at a bit of a loss what to say myself. This thread is unravelling.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I don't think you absolutely -need- someone to be your happiness. However, I think everyone has a desire to be needed. Does that make sense? So for example

A man gets into a relationship with a woman who is needy. He takes care of, makes her feel good, does all the handyman stuff etc. It's very obviously reflected to him that he is somehow supplying a need.

A man gets into a relationship where the woman is extremely independant and always used to doing things herself. It's not as obvious here for the man that he's needed so it can be more of a struggle and not as enticing as the other relationship because feeling needed can be a strong emotion. While he may not be needed for all the handyman work, and that sort of thing. The woman still has need for feeling loved. Appreciated for who she is as a person. And I would say that in this sort of relationship the woman needs to be careful that she does not take control of everything because to do so would be to strip the manhood from a man (if you want to call it that).

I say this as someone who has always been sort of a very passive person. I am not good at taking control. So naturally I would be attracted to someone who does take control. At first it would work out, but eventually it would get ugly because I believe God wants the man to be the head of the family. To feel confident in leading his family and worship and certain decisions. That is not to say the man should ignore the wife in decisions and areas of worship.

It's hard to describe what I want to actually say, and maybe I'm failing at it I don't know.

I totally get what you're saying and I agree with you. Thanks for your input.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I'm at a bit of a loss what to say myself. This thread is unravelling.

Interesting that it's usually people that don't post here often or haven't posted here that tend to unravel things. I'm glad I'm not the only one, geez....

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

I totally agree with the last 2 comments by the good Dr. and Spunkn.

It just seems sometimes the needy women get the men more often, but I suspect they also look more often so...

I was just wondering what the men thought about this.

I wonder about the quality of such relationships. There are some men who see that a woman is vulnerable and they seek such women out and such men do not have good intentions.

 

[WisconsinRetiree]

I need to be needed, but the women in my life need more than I can give.

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Wisconsin,
Welcome to CF.
I think its wise to only give what we can give and then say something about that's all I can give..

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I wonder about the quality of such relationships. There are some men who see that a woman is vulnerable and they seek such women out and such men do not have good intentions.

Well here is one example I know of. One of my son's friends lives with us. His mom doesn't make much money. She is very attractive (a slender petite woman). She gets emotional alot and it sometimes affects her physically. She met her current boyfriend (with whom she now lives) online. He is a good guy. Works for the local electric company and his job is running the plant. He's not a weirdo he's just a decent guy, making decent money. He is very frugal in the electricity dept. Only running appliances when it is the cheapest. Won't turn on the A/C or heater unless his GF complains (cuz she gets cold easily due to no body fat probably). She's a very smart woman and she really does deserve a guy like this. I just think that part of the "attraction" is that she needs someone to lean on. I'm not talking financially (although she could use help in that dept too) but emotionally.

So it's just my observation which may or may not be factual that some men like to be the heros or like the fact that the woman they care about needs them in some way. JMHO.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

I am thinking about legitimate need vs codependency. In a relationship both parties should support each other. At different times and under different circumstances one person might need more support than the other. That is all normal and healthy. If I had a significant other and I was supportive and my support made her feel stronger and more empowered about some issue, that would make me feel more fulfilled. What would not feel good for me and it would be wrong would be if I were to not help her or "help" her in a way that undermines her so I can be the "strong" person. If you feel strong by diminishing others, that is a false strength. In general as Christians we are to build one-another up and that is surely more important in close relationships. That does not rule out things like constructive criticism and honest disagreements - indeed, an abusive or codependent relationship cannot handle such things.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

yep I totally agree Dr.

 

[dayhiker]

Good thought, Doc. The distinction you make should be part of any discussion of a couple and what each needs.

 

[WisconsinRetiree]

Hi Wisconsin,
Welcome to CF.
I think its wise to only give what we can give and then say something about that's all I can give..

I have been learning this slowly.

 

[bocannes]

Well here is one example I know of. One of my son's friends lives with us. His mom doesn't make much money. She is very attractive (a slender petite woman). She gets emotional alot ... She's a very smart woman ... I just think that part of the "attraction" is that she needs someone to lean on. I'm not talking financially ... but emotionally.

Your original post was about practical things but your example is about the emotional side. In a healthy relationship, man and woman lean on each other in both areas (though in different ways). We all need someone to lean on, at times. In a healthy relationship, that other person isn't the source of happiness but they definitely should be a source of happiness.

Men and women both want to feel desired. In that sense, we all "need" to be needed. You said this woman was smart, attractive, emotional and needs someone to lean on. That seems mostly positive. Someone leaning on you shows trust on their part and potentially, other things such as desire and respect. There's a point where it's unhealthy but that's not evident, here.

Generally, men do want to be the hero. So, it's attractive to find a woman who is strong enough to make herself vulnerable and let him exercise that. It can be simple things, too, like letting him open the door for her. She could obviously do that herself but letting him shows respect.

 

[exitstageright]

Your original post was about practical things but your example is about the emotional side. In a healthy relationship, man and woman lean on each other in both areas (though in different ways). We all need someone to lean on, at times. In a healthy relationship, that other person isn't the source of happiness but they definitely should be a source of happiness.

Men and women both want to feel desired. In that sense, we all "need" to be needed. You said this woman was smart, attractive, emotional and needs someone to lean on. That seems mostly positive. Someone leaning on you shows trust on their part and potentially, other things such as desire and respect. There's a point where it's unhealthy but that's not evident, here.

Generally, men do want to be the hero. So, it's attractive to find a woman who is strong enough to make herself vulnerable and let him exercise that. It can be simple things, too, like letting him open the door for her. She could obviously do that herself but letting him shows respect.

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow ​

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on​

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won't let show

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand (Chorus)
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on



More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/bill_withers/
​

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

LOL exit I was thinking the same thing Hahaha!


Bill Withers - Lean on me - YouTube

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Generally, men do want to be the hero. So, it's attractive to find a woman who is strong enough to make herself vulnerable and let him exercise that. It can be simple things, too, like letting him open the door for her. She could obviously do that herself but letting him shows respect.

Thats me. But I try to never cross that line of making it where a woman is somehow unable to do anything herself. We both need to be needed to some degree. Acceptance is important in a relationship. She needs to know that I need her and don't look at her past mistakes as a problem. Just as I need to know she needs me and doesn't look at my disabilities as a issue. Overall we need to be loved. We are very romantic people.

 

[bocannes]

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow
Lean on me...​

Yes, I knew someone would have to say that. I think this much (above) is enough

Anyway, I made my answer and hopefully, it helps contribute to some understanding.

 

[mjmcmillan]

Need to be needed-- for home repairs? These days, a lot of people live in places where the maintenance department takes care of that. Apartments, condos and even some HOAs have crews that take care of everything so you have a maintenance-free lifestyle. I've lived in apartments half-past forever, and while I certainly can talk a recalcitrant furnace into providing one more night of heat it seems apartment management frowns on that and want you to call maintenance.

Lawn mowing-- see above. Snow shoveling-- see above.

So, I reckon if she needs me it's for something other than household heavy maintenance, the traditional role of the home-owning man.

Ahhhh...... what did you have in mind???