do i stay???

[joaddi3]

hi guys...i am pretty active here at cf, but this is the first time i have actually broken down and asked for advice on my marriage. it is horrible at best. we don't talk or spend any time together anymore. any conversation is tense and uncomfortable. i pickup all of the overtime i can because i dont want to be home. we went to counseling about 3 years ago and it was helpful, but back then i was hopeful. i'm not now. my husband is extremely unhealthy (diabetic, high blood pressure, thyroid issues, etc.) and refuses to take medication. he eats the most unhealthy things and has no regard for his health. i cannot tell you how many times i have been terrified to go home and find him...deceased. i dont want my kids to see that. he acts like he doesnt care about anyone including himself. we arent making enough money to survive, so i went to him and asked him to get a second job or at least a better paying one. he has done nothing, so i am the one picking up the overtime. i resent him for not being able to support us. i resent him for treating me like garbage. i feel like i'm suffocating when i am at home and i miss my kids so much. it's not fair for them to have to be around us when we are like this. normally our christmas decorations and the tree are up by the first week of december, but we have yet to even buy the tree. WHAT IN THE WORLD CAN I DO?????? i pray about it, but the Bible says that i made the commitment so i have to stay, right??? i feel like there is no hope for us, and that i should make my own way for my kids and myself. i am already going to nursing school and trying to better my situation. any advise will be greatly appreciated

 

[dancingwithhim]

Pray! you are probably already doing this, but my advice is to pray for your husband. Encourage him even though your are getting the crap end of the deal. (I know that this sounds really stupid, but it worked for me) My situation was not anything like yours, but my marriage was not good for several years, had some really bad times, etc. I prayed, encouraged him and got others to pray for him and us. It took some years, but my husband finally came around. God is the only one who can change him. Sad to say, but it may take him getting worse for him to see the light.

I am not saying that you take the verbal abuse, but you can tell him that you can't take it anymore. You can, in a calm, gentle, loving way, tell him your concerns. Right now, he probably feels less than a man because of his health and so he digs himself deeper in a hole. He also probably hates himself and has some deep rooted rejection issues of his own and so he takes it out on everyone. God is a God of restoration. He can restore your marriage and make it better than it is now. I wouldn't recommend divorce, but you might want to tell him your heart, in a loving way. He may need to go to counceling just for himself. You have to be totally exhausted and you both need some vacation time. Weigh any options that you might have.

If you give up now, then it will only get worse and you will only get more bitter. Let God be your hope and cry out to Him. Not to complain about your husband, but about your situation. (He already knows, but tell Him anyway) Let Him comfort you and let Him be the one to change your husband. One thing to pray for your husband would be that God would open up his eyes to see how much God truly loves Him and to heal his heart. Pray that God will bless him and that he would give him a desire for the Lord. Once he gets a taste of this, his life will change. He just needs to see.

 

[IKTCA]

I just prayed that your husband find the love of God.

 

[bliz]

If you can buy any life insurance on your husband, do so. Start living as if he were already gone - don't expect him to do anything and then you will not be quite so dissapointed.

Any chance he will talk to a doctor about depression?

 

[Ari5]

My father in law also had the tyroid problems & this sounds alot like how he was. He never could keep a job & when he went off of his meds he was awful.

Do you have a pastor that can intervene to help you? Maybe guide you on how to handle things and/or talk to your husband for you. He needs someone to be accountable to, whether it be a pastor or a friend or a counselor. The most you can do is pray, the more you try to change him the worse it will make things.

My in laws were always in a financial hardship. I think the only thing you can do is if your kids are not being cared for , like you don't have enough to take care of them, I don't see anything wrong with taking a break from him until he can get some help. Or explain to him that you'll stay under certain circumstances, like he goes to counseling, gets a job, & sees a doctor.

There is nothing wrong with taking care of your children & doing what you have to for their sakes. Even though I don't think divorce is right, you can still seperate if it not a good sitution for the kids. Ari

 

[Canuckmom]

Hang in there; sometimes when night seems darkest, morning comes. Separation may lead to more alienation, and the only Biblical reason to divorce him is if he is unfaithful.

 

[joaddi3]

Pray! you are probably already doing this, but my advice is to pray for your husband. Encourage him even though your are getting the crap end of the deal. (I know that this sounds really stupid, but it worked for me) My situation was not anything like yours, but my marriage was not good for several years, had some really bad times, etc. I prayed, encouraged him and got others to pray for him and us. It took some years, but my husband finally came around. God is the only one who can change him. Sad to say, but it may take him getting worse for him to see the light.

I am not saying that you take the verbal abuse, but you can tell him that you can't take it anymore. You can, in a calm, gentle, loving way, tell him your concerns. Right now, he probably feels less than a man because of his health and so he digs himself deeper in a hole. He also probably hates himself and has some deep rooted rejection issues of his own and so he takes it out on everyone. God is a God of restoration. He can restore your marriage and make it better than it is now. I wouldn't recommend divorce, but you might want to tell him your heart, in a loving way. He may need to go to counceling just for himself. You have to be totally exhausted and you both need some vacation time. Weigh any options that you might have.

If you give up now, then it will only get worse and you will only get more bitter. Let God be your hope and cry out to Him. Not to complain about your husband, but about your situation. (He already knows, but tell Him anyway) Let Him comfort you and let Him be the one to change your husband. One thing to pray for your husband would be that God would open up his eyes to see how much God truly loves Him and to heal his heart. Pray that God will bless him and that he would give him a desire for the Lord. Once he gets a taste of this, his life will change. He just needs to see.

thank you so much for your advice....you guessed right i am praying alot. he won't go to church and doesnt "buy it" as he puts it. i believe that my God is a God of family and i know He wants our marriage to stand. i'm just so discouraged right now.

 

[joaddi3]

I just prayed that your husband find the love of God.

i appreciate that more than you know

 

[joaddi3]

If you can buy any life insurance on your husband, do so. Start living as if he were already gone - don't expect him to do anything and then you will not be quite so dissapointed.

Any chance he will talk to a doctor about depression?

when i began to start doing for me and my sons, this was my take on the situation...fix yourself and do for your kids...you can't fix him he has to fix himself...as far as life insurance, i hate to admit it, but i have it maxed out on both of us through my job...he would never qualify for traditional insurance. thank you for the reality check i appreciate it

 

[joaddi3]

My father in law also had the tyroid problems & this sounds alot like how he was. He never could keep a job & when he went off of his meds he was awful.

Do you have a pastor that can intervene to help you? Maybe guide you on how to handle things and/or talk to your husband for you. He needs someone to be accountable to, whether it be a pastor or a friend or a counselor. The most you can do is pray, the more you try to change him the worse it will make things.

My in laws were always in a financial hardship. I think the only thing you can do is if your kids are not being cared for , like you don't have enough to take care of them, I don't see anything wrong with taking a break from him until he can get some help. Or explain to him that you'll stay under certain circumstances, like he goes to counseling, gets a job, & sees a doctor.

There is nothing wrong with taking care of your children & doing what you have to for their sakes. Even though I don't think divorce is right, you can still seperate if it not a good sitution for the kids. Ari

thank you for responding he is not open to going to church and has no relationship with my pastor. the worst thing my husband ever did was become a salesman. he always thinks someone is trying to sell him something and doesnt believe anyone. he went a couple times, but was not "impressed". very frustrating

 

[joaddi3]

Hang in there; sometimes when night seems darkest, morning comes. Separation may lead to more alienation, and the only Biblical reason to divorce him is if he is unfaithful.

i know it. and that, is something he would never do. bottom line is...i still love this man. thank you for the advice.

 

[c1ners]

Have you read up on your husbands thyroid problems? Do you know how this disorder is effecting him? Would you mind terribly if I told you a little about it?

Most people just brush off a thyroid disorder. They think it's a nothing disease. But that's far from the truth. Your thyroids effect your entire body. It sounds like he has hyperactive thyroidism, am I correct? If this is the case, it's the disease that is causing everything else. An overactive thyroid will cause high blood pressure, high cholestrol, diabetise, mood swings, heat intolerance, sleep disorder, fatique, and over all body aches. Oh, and did I mention that stress is the biggest trigger of it all? His pulse rate is probably so high and fast that it makes it very difficult to do the littlest things. And by the way, a too high and rapid pulse can lead to a heart attack. There is no simple "cure" for an over active thyroid disease. You can take medicine for an underactive thyroid, but an overactive thyroid is different. Sometimes it takes years for the doctors to figure out what to do for you. In the meantime yhe can take medicine for all the other aliments, but until he gets the thyroids under control, those other problems will not be able to get fixed either.

I understand your hurt with your husband right now, but try looking at things through his eyes. He's sick, and it doesn't sound like anyone even cares. If you were sick and could barely even get out of bed each morning wouldn't you want someone to be there for you? It's the same for him.

I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings in any way shape or form, but right now your husband needs you. Love is the one thing that makes things better. It may sound strange, but it's true.

 

[joaddi3]

Have you read up on your husbands thyroid problems? Do you know how this disorder is effecting him? Would you mind terribly if I told you a little about it?

Most people just brush off a thyroid disorder. They think it's a nothing disease. But that's far from the truth. Your thyroids effect your entire body. It sounds like he has hyperactive thyroidism, am I correct? If this is the case, it's the disease that is causing everything else. An overactive thyroid will cause high blood pressure, high cholestrol, diabetise, mood swings, heat intolerance, sleep disorder, fatique, and over all body aches. Oh, and did I mention that stress is the biggest trigger of it all? His pulse rate is probably so high and fast that it makes it very difficult to do the littlest things. And by the way, a too high and rapid pulse can lead to a heart attack. There is no simple "cure" for an over active thyroid disease. You can take medicine for an underactive thyroid, but an overactive thyroid is different. Sometimes it takes years for the doctors to figure out what to do for you. In the meantime yhe can take medicine for all the other aliments, but until he gets the thyroids under control, those other problems will not be able to get fixed either.

I understand your hurt with your husband right now, but try looking at things through his eyes. He's sick, and it doesn't sound like anyone even cares. If you were sick and could barely even get out of bed each morning wouldn't you want someone to be there for you? It's the same for him.

I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings in any way shape or form, but right now your husband needs you. Love is the one thing that makes things better. It may sound strange, but it's true.

oh my gosh...you could never hurt my feelings i posted this thread knowing and hoping for a broad range of responses. he has an underactive thyroid. but refuses to take his medications regardless. just the past week he has gotten very verbally agressive and it feels like things are coming to a head. he actually tried to keep me from going to take my sociology final this morning. i think my being a student scares him because it symbolizes freedom for me. thanks for the response

 

[lbclvsrjc]

Most people just brush off a thyroid disorder. They think it's a nothing disease. But that's far from the truth. Your thyroids effect your entire body.

There is not a truer statement in the world. I am a Thyroid Cancer Survivor - they did a removal of one side after a malignant tumor was found. Because your parathyroid and voice box sit so close to your thyroid, the risk was to high for complete removal - doctors chose to close me up...I suffer in many ways. joaddi3, is correct - every hormone function in the human body works in some way off the thyroid, I am not going into my history, but it has taken 11 yrs to finally feel halfway decent - I don't believe I will ever get the person back that I was prior - for 2 reasons: 1) Remember - your husband is or would be taking a synthetic medication - no matter how good medicine can be - nothing replaces the real thing 2) A lot of thyroid medications have serious side affects and they take a long time to regulate - I take synthroid - there was a class actions lawsuit against the makers because there was no generic, well when the generic came out of course everyone wanted it...I can tell you for myself that I took the generic and in 2 months I thought I was coming out my skin - I have heard several people mention this issue - the other thing is regulation 3 months on one dose, blood work, 3 months on adjusted dose, blood work, 3 months for the next dose, blood work etc. etc., - for me - took 11 doses to get me to the okay level - realistically 11 times 3 = 33 (actually 119) months of not feeling good-so sleepy I could fall asleep driving, no energy, no sex drive-no patience-no nothing!! At one point I cried rocking on the sofa saying I wanted to die - for females the thyroid works with petuatary (not sure spelling) to make fetuses grow...I had two miscarriages in those 119 months (reason so long first was just not having information and facts, then I had way to many to count of fighting with doctor, because it was within normal range..trying to find endo - switching gp - driving 100 miles to see and endo - bouncing back and forth off anti-depressants because it had to be depression...etc.) To the last statement - see a endocronologist only about this issue - please take it from me - many thyroid medications deplete the calcium from your body and a calcium supplement needs to be taken - for 7 yrs I just seen my GP there was only 1 endo doctor on my insurance and it took 5 months to get appointment, 5 times 11 - NO WAY...well when I kept having teeth problems and had to have a bone density test...who knows - but I can tell you at 22 I had the cancer and my bones, teeth and everyday function was great...at 33 - I have the bones of a 42 year old, my teeth are in constant repair (I don't want false ones yet and my everyday function is medicore. Anyway, it is a serious situation, but the medication can help - you just need to find him the right doctor willing to work with you - I take one does Mon-Thurs and a higher dose Fri - Sun - can get confusing, but hey its worth it.
2nd issue - my husband left 8 weeks this coming Sunday...he got tired of the mood swings and the irritable attitude - he got tired of our arguements and the cruel things I could say - I am always tired - well for me I haven't felt better..I've been getting less moody and he has been getting more...his baby girl comes up pregnant, he is put on steriods for a serious cluster migraine issue (nickname "suicide headache" nothing compares to those deadly cruel things) and he gets a new boss that he don't like...add that on top of our years of struggle with my disease and wow and behold he is over the top and gone. I never realized what words could do, but it is as if we switched roles now and it is tearing me a part. I love him - anyway - two books I would highly suggest - 1. Five Love Languages - Gary Chapman - excellent Godly man who has an outstanding point - maybe your husbands "Love Tank" is really empty - I can tell by your post that yours is - I think you will get a lot out of this - it is really easy read - 2. Power of Praying Wife - Stormie Omartian - another excellent book. I honestly believe after reading the 1st and 2nd you may have a different view. I really would be interested in knowing. Please feel free to PM me anytime.
I hope this helps, you are in my prayers and sending you lots of

 

[joaddi3]

There is not a truer statement in the world. I am a Thyroid Cancer Survivor - they did a removal of one side after a malignant tumor was found. Because your parathyroid and voice box sit so close to your thyroid, the risk was to high for complete removal - doctors chose to close me up...I suffer in many ways. joaddi3, is correct - every hormone function in the human body works in some way off the thyroid, I am not going into my history, but it has taken 11 yrs to finally feel halfway decent - I don't believe I will ever get the person back that I was prior - for 2 reasons: 1) Remember - your husband is or would be taking a synthetic medication - no matter how good medicine can be - nothing replaces the real thing 2) A lot of thyroid medications have serious side affects and they take a long time to regulate - I take synthroid - there was a class actions lawsuit against the makers because there was no generic, well when the generic came out of course everyone wanted it...I can tell you for myself that I took the generic and in 2 months I thought I was coming out my skin - I have heard several people mention this issue - the other thing is regulation 3 months on one dose, blood work, 3 months on adjusted dose, blood work, 3 months for the next dose, blood work etc. etc., - for me - took 11 doses to get me to the okay level - realistically 11 times 3 = 33 (actually 119) months of not feeling good-so sleepy I could fall asleep driving, no energy, no sex drive-no patience-no nothing!! At one point I cried rocking on the sofa saying I wanted to die - for females the thyroid works with petuatary (not sure spelling) to make fetuses grow...I had two miscarriages in those 119 months (reason so long first was just not having information and facts, then I had way to many to count of fighting with doctor, because it was within normal range..trying to find endo - switching gp - driving 100 miles to see and endo - bouncing back and forth off anti-depressants because it had to be depression...etc.) To the last statement - see a endocronologist only about this issue - please take it from me - many thyroid medications deplete the calcium from your body and a calcium supplement needs to be taken - for 7 yrs I just seen my GP there was only 1 endo doctor on my insurance and it took 5 months to get appointment, 5 times 11 - NO WAY...well when I kept having teeth problems and had to have a bone density test...who knows - but I can tell you at 22 I had the cancer and my bones, teeth and everyday function was great...at 33 - I have the bones of a 42 year old, my teeth are in constant repair (I don't want false ones yet and my everyday function is medicore. Anyway, it is a serious situation, but the medication can help - you just need to find him the right doctor willing to work with you - I take one does Mon-Thurs and a higher dose Fri - Sun - can get confusing, but hey its worth it.
2nd issue - my husband left 8 weeks this coming Sunday...he got tired of the mood swings and the irritable attitude - he got tired of our arguements and the cruel things I could say - I am always tired - well for me I haven't felt better..I've been getting less moody and he has been getting more...his baby girl comes up pregnant, he is put on steriods for a serious cluster migraine issue (nickname "suicide headache" nothing compares to those deadly cruel things) and he gets a new boss that he don't like...add that on top of our years of struggle with my disease and wow and behold he is over the top and gone. I never realized what words could do, but it is as if we switched roles now and it is tearing me a part. I love him - anyway - two books I would highly suggest - 1. Five Love Languages - Gary Chapman - excellent Godly man who has an outstanding point - maybe your husbands "Love Tank" is really empty - I can tell by your post that yours is - I think you will get a lot out of this - it is really easy read - 2. Power of Praying Wife - Stormie Omartian - another excellent book. I honestly believe after reading the 1st and 2nd you may have a different view. I really would be interested in knowing. Please feel free to PM me anytime.
I hope this helps, you are in my prayers and sending you lots of

all i can say is WOW...sounds very familiar except for the fact that he wont take the meds they are giving him. i am printing your response and giving it to him in the morning. thank you so much and i am sorry to hear about your hubbie. i try to keep in mind that with God anything is possible

 

[TCat]

Praying for you and your family.
I went through a terrible depression several years ago and at one point was suicidal because of it. NOTHING anyone said or did aside from prayer and counseling helped. I couldn't love my husband or family the way they needed me to because I felt so incredibly bad about everything else in my life. Meds helped, counseling helped even more, the fact that my husband persevered and hung in there when I was so unloveable made a huge difference and of course finding my faith in Jesus was the greatest healing of all.
Finding ways to take care of yourself and your kids is wise, continuing to pray and seeking ways to cope in comendable. How about individual counseling for yourself to help you deal with the stresses in your life?
God Bless you.

 

[2theBone]

You must take action......you are the only one who can solve the problem......no one else can or will do it and it MUST be done.

You should start seeing a divorce counselor with the goal of facilitating your divorce. You need help with this.

This man left you long ago. He has disappeared to a self-destructive place within himself.

You have no obligation to stay married to him.......but somewhere deep inside you think you do.

That's a lie.

Your children are being damaged EVERY day by him and, sad but true, that is your responsibility because you choose to keep them in close relationship with him.

Doing nothing is not an option.

 

[Lambkins]

hi guys...i am pretty active here at cf, but this is the first time i have actually broken down and asked for advice on my marriage. it is horrible at best. we don't talk or spend any time together anymore. any conversation is tense and uncomfortable. i pickup all of the overtime i can because i dont want to be home. we went to counseling about 3 years ago and it was helpful, but back then i was hopeful. i'm not now. my husband is extremely unhealthy (diabetic, high blood pressure, thyroid issues, etc.) and refuses to take medication. he eats the most unhealthy things and has no regard for his health. i cannot tell you how many times i have been terrified to go home and find him...deceased. i dont want my kids to see that. he acts like he doesnt care about anyone including himself. we arent making enough money to survive, so i went to him and asked him to get a second job or at least a better paying one. he has done nothing, so i am the one picking up the overtime. i resent him for not being able to support us. i resent him for treating me like garbage. i feel like i'm suffocating when i am at home and i miss my kids so much. it's not fair for them to have to be around us when we are like this. normally our christmas decorations and the tree are up by the first week of december, but we have yet to even buy the tree. WHAT IN THE WORLD CAN I DO?????? i pray about it, but the Bible says that i made the commitment so i have to stay, right??? i feel like there is no hope for us, and that i should make my own way for my kids and myself. i am already going to nursing school and trying to better my situation. any advise will be greatly appreciated

Hi Joaddi!

I will be praying for you!
Stand strong...God is with you!!
He has been so good to me through my struggles!
Soak yourself in the Word of God!!
Love and HUGGIES!!

 

[joaddi3]

Praying for you and your family.
I went through a terrible depression several years ago and at one point was suicidal because of it. NOTHING anyone said or did aside from prayer and counseling helped. I couldn't love my husband or family the way they needed me to because I felt so incredibly bad about everything else in my life. Meds helped, counseling helped even more, the fact that my husband persevered and hung in there when I was so unloveable made a huge difference and of course finding my faith in Jesus was the greatest healing of all.
Finding ways to take care of yourself and your kids is wise, continuing to pray and seeking ways to cope in comendable. How about individual counseling for yourself to help you deal with the stresses in your life?
God Bless you.

thanks for the advise. we have actually had a change for the better over the holidays.

 

[joaddi3]

You must take action......you are the only one who can solve the problem......no one else can or will do it and it MUST be done.

You should start seeing a divorce counselor with the goal of facilitating your divorce. You need help with this.

This man left you long ago. He has disappeared to a self-destructive place within himself.

You have no obligation to stay married to him.......but somewhere deep inside you think you do.

That's a lie.

Your children are being damaged EVERY day by him and, sad but true, that is your responsibility because you choose to keep them in close relationship with him.

Doing nothing is not an option.

in my head i think that, but what about the committment i made to him before God?? i didnt take it lightly. also, i cannot divorce him unless he is unfaithful. i do appreciate your input very much. thanks