Divorcing because "Irreconcilable Differences"

[Barzel]

I think a lot of marriages are tantamount to adultery, because people marry those they're not meant to be with. I've known couples who were married for years before they realized they were in the wrong relationship. One friend described his first marriage as a ten-year affair. In such cases, I see divorce as a good thing, if it's followed by entering into a right marriage or none at all.

Some other marriages end in divorce because people don't want to accept responsibility, nor do they want to acknowledge marriage takes work. That's the bulk of divorces I hear about, or at least the ones where I'm privy to the details.

I personally won't enter into any romantic relationship if I can't see myself married to that person, nor will I marry a woman unless I'm certain she's my soul mate. To do otherwise would be adultery to me. I'm convinced people called by God to marriage have a soul mate, and should wait for that person. If they don't, it's not going to end well.

Edited to amend an earlier statement.

 

[blackribbon]

What do you mean by "its followed by entering into a right marriage". If you didn't pick right the first time, how will you know that you got the right one the next time.

And what if there is no other one...

 

[Barzel]

What do you mean by "its followed by entering into a right marriage". If you didn't pick right the first time, how will you know that you got the right one the next time.

People are capable of learning, and of turning away from previous lines of thought. My friend realized he was in the wrong marriage when he learned what love truly was, and it did not exist in his marriage.

And what if there is no other one...

If you're in the wrong marriage, the right person is out there, if you're called by God to be married. I'll amend my earlier statement to, "...as long as it's followed by entering into a right marriage or none at all." The point is, we can't just bail on a marriage because we're tired of it or want to pursue selfishness, and expect God to be okay with it.

 

[quietpraiyze]

I didn't post this in the "Divorced" section, because I was advised that since I had never been married, that I don't qualify to post within that section, so I figured I'd go with the general singles thread...because this concerns the newly single or newly divorced or perhaps single people who are considering marriage that may end up in divorce.

We have a lot of divorces occurring these days not because of abuse, infidelity, or substance abuse, but because of "we grew apart" or "the marriage has become stale" which is kind of the same wheelhouse. I'm sure God isn't too crazy about these kinds of reasons, tossing someone away and replacing them like a new car, but it is what it is.


I was discussing breaking up with a female friend of mine, she has been single for several years, did finally meet someone though and we got to discussing how she finds it unacceptable that people break up for rather petty reasons or the ol' "we grew apart" thing. "Got bored of each other"

One day, they just got sick of looking at their spouse or their spouse becomes more of a roommate as the years go by.

I posted this article... "Why I'm Not Marriage Material"

From there she states when she was married, I'm thinking in her early 20s, and by the time they both reached their 30s, they were two completely different people, with completely changed beliefs and world outlooks.

"Irreconcilable Differences" is legalese for that.It's as if she was justifying the divorce due to that.

Then I saw this article in The Atlantic regarding how people are expecting way too much from their partners (or future partners).

There they talk about how some partners might differ in life goals...one is content in working a 9 to 5, 40 hr work week, while the other is pursing their ambitions in climbing the corporate ladder. Apparently, if they aren't aligned here, this could bode problems for the marriage, yes?

A typical comment of a marriage couple not in alignment...

"He’s a wonderful man and a loving father and I like and respect him, but I feel really stagnant in the relationship. I feel like I’m not growing and I’m not willing to stay in a marriage where I feel stagnant for the next 30 years."

Problem is, I'm probably this man. lol...but I'm not really seeing the issue here. How is he making it stagnant. Of course, that's her opinion. Why would this even be an issue?

The interview goes as far as to compare time periods in history given the reasons WHY people married. In the past, the woman was considered the nurturer, and not as aggressive...and the men of the old days were. Now, the roles have reversed or are kind of the same between the 2 sexes.

Now, expectations are different, and as a result, marriages aren't lasting because somewhere down the line, someone feels "stagnant" for whatever reason.

"There were relatively well-defined expectations for how people should behave, and in the 1960s, our society said, 'To he** with that'"

With all that said, I've always wondered if I was born in the wrong time era and probably would have preferred to have been born into the 1940s/50s.

But do you find it to be a cop out to use this as your reason for divorce?

I have a friend who when she got married her husband's work hours got switched to nights. She worked days so they hardly got to see each other. One day when I was visiting they both separately mentioned to me that they felt more like roommates than mates. Their home even felt that way. Bells, alarms, and whistles started going off for me. I'm sure there were others but I know I started specifically praying for them concerning not only their work hours but that God would bind them together. That was almost 20 years ago and I saw God answer that prayer. I said this to say, I think they were in danger of “growing apart”. It could have easily happened to them. I think the “church” talks a lot about marriage but it doesn't really supply authentic social supports/relationships to maintain it. Marriage is both personal and communal and if you don't have both and/or know how to fight for your marriage, you could easily become a casualty because “irreconcilable differences” can be anything.

 

[Gnarwhal]

But do you find it to be a cop out to use this as your reason for divorce?

Divorcee here.

To answer your question: yes and no.

I think a lot of people are quick to pull the trigger on the divorce gun, and when they do, they try to hang their hat on that reason. That being said, I think there are situations when no other reason really fits. At least from a legal standpoint.

I'm pretty sure 'irreconcilable differences' is what my ex-wife put on our divorce paperwork when she filed (she was the petitioner and I was the respondent, or whatever it's called - it's been four years since we filed, three and a half since it was completed).

We never should've gotten married in the first place, and that was something that became increasingly apparent with every passing day. We were polar opposites, but we were young and dumb (21) and thought we knew each other well enough after two months to get engaged. So we did. We knew each other a grand total of about nine months on our wedding day, and boy did it show in the immediate aftermath.

She was hostile towards me from the get-go, whether it was physically (she threw things at me) or verbally (disrespecting me, emasculating me, etc). I don't consider myself abused, but it really sucked. Neither of us enjoyed the other's interests, or being around each other's families, we went through these three month cycles of good -> okay -> fighting, and back to good again.

The biggest issue was probably the differences in our faith. A [future] Catholic and a charismatic pentecostal who likes the International House of Prayer, do not a good match make - let me tell ya.

Luckily the Church nullified our marriage as well, so in the eyes of the Church the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony was never entered into; the marriage was invalid. That's the opinion I put more value in anyway, compared to any secular/non-Catholic judgments of the marriage.

TL;DR - Do I find "irreconcilable differences" to be a copout of a reason for divorce? Yes, but not always.

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

On the sub-line to irreconcilable differences during paperwork there should another clause which says, "I was too lazy to work out my problems within God's grace and mercy". Yeah, that might sound harsh but I speak to Christians. Irreconcilable differences as an excuse to divorce is a fallacy and joke.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

On the sub-line to irreconcilable differences during paperwork there should another clause which says, "I was too lazy to work out my problems within God's grace and mercy". Yeah, that might sound harsh but I speak to Christians. Irreconcilable differences as an excuse to divorce is a fallacy and joke.

Husband comes home from work, after 20 years of marriage, wife's bags are packed, "We outgrew each other, good-bye"

Husband is scratching his head, asking himself, "What happened?"

Maybe she should be asked, "What would Jesus do?"

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

But do you find it to be a cop out to use this as your reason for divorce?

yes.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Divorcee here.

To answer your question: yes and no.

I think a lot of people are quick to pull the trigger on the divorce gun, and when they do, they try to hang their hat on that reason. That being said, I think there are situations when no other reason really fits. At least from a legal standpoint.

I'm pretty sure 'irreconcilable differences' is what my ex-wife put on our divorce paperwork when she filed (she was the petitioner and I was the respondent, or whatever it's called - it's been four years since we filed, three and a half since it was completed).

We never should've gotten married in the first place, and that was something that became increasingly apparent with every passing day. We were polar opposites, but we were young and dumb (21) and thought we knew each other well enough after two months to get engaged. So we did. We knew each other a grand total of about nine months on our wedding day, and boy did it show in the immediate aftermath.

She was hostile towards me from the get-go, whether it was physically (she threw things at me) or verbally (disrespecting me, emasculating me, etc). I don't consider myself abused, but it really sucked. Neither of us enjoyed the other's interests, or being around each other's families, we went through these three month cycles of good -> okay -> fighting, and back to good again.

The biggest issue was probably the differences in our faith. A [future] Catholic and a charismatic pentecostal who likes the International House of Prayer, do not a good match make - let me tell ya.

Luckily the Church nullified our marriage as well, so in the eyes of the Church the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony was never entered into; the marriage was invalid. That's the opinion I put more value in anyway, compared to any secular/non-Catholic judgments of the marriage.

TL;DR - Do I find "irreconcilable differences" to be a copout of a reason for divorce? Yes, but not always.

Hm I would figure this behavior, ie, dish throwing and the like, would something you'd pick up from while dating her , yes? I know it's "Could have, would have, should have" as it's water under the bridge...but I guess there's something to be said for people hiding this behavior well, and then come the honey moon night, she throws something at you? and you're like "What have I done?!"

Anyway, there's another thing that comes to mind. Is it wrong to date a divorced person that has been divorced through "Irreconcilable diff?

I mean, we as never been married Christians, who come across so many divorcee's, are really going to bother with vetting our dating prospects with, "So...what's your reason for divorcing? Oh, you just grew apart? Sorry, can't date ya."

Plus, that is an awkward topic to bring up.

 

[Citanul]

I mean, we as never been married Christians, who come across so many divorcee's,

Quite honestly I don't come across divorcees to the extent that you seem to. Admittedly maybe I have met some at social gatherings and I just haven't got to know them well enough for that to come up, but those who I have got to know that well are all definitely never married rather than divorced.

So we've definitely had very experiences when it comes to divorcees, and I think I may have said it before, but it probably comes down to where we've lived. I don't think I've met anyone who got divorced in their 20s, and it would be unusual for me to do so as people generally only seem to get married here in their late 20s. But if you're living somewhere where getting married younger is more common then that would increase your chances of meeting younger divorcees.

That doesn't mean divorce isn't something I might never have to deal with, especially if I remain single as the older I get the greater the chances of single women my age being divorced. But I do think you're generalising a bit and divorce isn't necessarily going to be as big a thing for others as it is for you because of the different prevalences of divorce in different communities.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Quite honestly I don't come across divorcees to the extent that you seem to. Admittedly maybe I have met some at social gatherings and I just haven't got to know them well enough for that to come up, but those who I have got to know that well are all definitely never married rather than divorced.

So we've definitely had very experiences when it comes to divorcees, and I think I may have said it before, but it probably comes down to where we've lived. I don't think I've met anyone who got divorced in their 20s, and it would be unusual for me to do so as people generally only seem to get married here in their late 20s. But if you're living somewhere where getting married younger is more common then that would increase your chances of meeting younger divorcees.

That doesn't mean divorce isn't something I might never have to deal with, especially if I remain single as the older I get the greater the chances of single women my age being divorced. But I do think you're generalising a bit and divorce isn't necessarily going to be as big a thing for others as it is for you because of the different prevalences of divorce in different communities.

From what you said, I don't think it's location, but it's the age group. So it would make sense you'd meet 20-somethings that have never been married. It's probably common knowledge. But when you start getting into your 30s/mid-30s, the accumulation of Christian divorcee's skyrocket. lol

 

[Barzel]

I've started meeting more divorcees in my social circles because I'm getting older, and meeting people in their late twenties and thirties, and shenanigans happen. I used to be of the mind that I'd never date a woman who had been divorced because she was "damaged goods." Thankfully I grew up and got over myself. Now, I would be interested to hear a date's story if she was divorced and wanted to tell me, but the fact she's divorced would not be a deal breaker by itself.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I've started meeting more divorcees in my social circles because I'm getting older, and meeting people in their late twenties and thirties, and shenanigans happen. I used to be of the mind that I'd never date a woman who had been divorced because she was "damaged goods." Thankfully I grew up and got over myself. Now, I would be interested to hear a date's story if she was divorced and wanted to tell me, but the fact she's divorced would not be a deal breaker by itself.

Yeah, I remember when younger men heavily judged young divorced women as dealbreakers for marriage prospects. They figure, "Well, if their marriage only lasted 3 years, obviously they couldn't do much to keep it going."

They somehow associate marriage failure with, "What if she dumps me after 2 or 3 years?"

They figure there's a pattern that if it happened to her, it'll happen to him if he marries her.

Now, if they've been divorced 2 or 3 times, I'm kind of gun shy of those, even though I'm in my 40s.

 

[Barzel]

Yeah, I remember when younger men heavily judged young divorced women as dealbreakers for marriage prospects. They figure, "Well, if their marriage only lasted 3 years, obviously they couldn't do much to keep it going."

They somehow associate marriage failure with, "What if she dumps me after 2 or 3 years?"

They figure there's a pattern that if it happened to her, it'll happen to him if he marries her.

Now, if they've been divorced 2 or 3 times, I'm kind of gun shy of those, even though I'm in my 40s.

I'd be interested to hear why her marriage(s) failed, when she's ready to talk about it. What would send up red flags for me or not would be her attitude about it, and who she is as a person.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I'd be interested to hear why her marriage(s) failed, when she's ready to talk about it. What would send up red flags for me or not would be her attitude about it, and who she is as a person.

This one woman I know. She's a devout Christian. Greek Orthodox to be exact. Told me, "We weren't meeting each other's needs"

Now...we had just started talking, but...I'm not sure if I should pry for details?

Of course, if it isn't for the reason of abuse or infidelity, "Not meeting someone's needs" could be vague for something rather trivial.

She said it was an amicable divorce, and they are still friends.

 

[CCHIPSS]

I think when these people say in their vows "For better or for worst...", they don't actually know what that means.

We seen plenty of young men who married young, and then they start making a ton of money. Then in comes his 2nd and 3rd and 4th mistresses. What happened to "for better"?

And we also see other cases where one of the spouses is messy, or have health issues, or is boring, or under performs in his/her careers, or isn't producing children, so the other spouses cheats or leaves. What happened to 'for worst"?

The cause of this? Lack of responsibility. Back in the ancient days a boy would have been trained to farm since childhood. So by the time he was like 14 he can pretty much run the farm by himself. Then we compare to a boyman who is 30+ years old. He is still living in his mother's basement playing video games. He works but he won't pay his family any money, blaming his huge student loan. All the money he makes he spend on himself and his toys.

As for divorce the bible only allows 2 causes:

1) Adultery - Obvious ones are cheating. Also included here will be he/she watching illegal porn like child porn, which would be immediate grounds for divorce. When even non-believers say it is a crime, we know how serious it is. Technically even if a person watches adult porn this is still considered adultery. But my take on this is to give your spouse a lot of patience and forgiveness when possible.

2) Abuse - Includes both physical abuse, verbal abuse and psychological abuse. By this I mean things like he repeatedly pushing you to the wall, calling you dumb and retarded (or other names), or even pointing a unloaded gun at you and laughing about it (this is call a threat). It doesn't include things like "He is so messy and throws his socks everywhere!" nor "He always forget to call me when he leaves work to come home!"

 

[ThisIsMe123]

The cause of this? Lack of responsibility. Back in the ancient days a boy would have been trained to farm since childhood. So by the time he was like 14 he can pretty much run the farm by himself. Then we compare to a boyman who is 30+ years old. He is still living in his mother's basement playing video games. He works but he won't pay his family any money, blaming his huge student loan. All the money he makes he spend on himself and his toys.

Funny that you mention this, but there had been a ton of articles on how about a good chunk of Millennials , although they HAVE lived on their own...for a time...wind up moving back in with their parents. This goes for both men and women, but there's kind of a double standard that if a man does this, he's undate-able.

I'm sure the part about them playing video games and skating by on life is not uncommon, but you do have to consider the frequent layoffs that do occur, and the job hunt can be unending, unless you know someone that can hook you up with a job (relative or friend).

Young adults living with their parents hits a 75-year high

The causes are legit:

“Even though unemployment rates have decreased and the economy is picking up, we know wages are stagnant, so this will impact this generation of homebuyers,” making it more challenging to save for a down payment, said Cheryl Young, senior economist at Trulia. “The millennials are getting married later and having fewer children, and that’s particular to this generation.”

In a time where one could buy milk for a nickel, and a single income could feed a full family, times have changed economically.

Also,....

The last decade hasn’t been kind to America’s youngest generation of adults. They came of age just as the economy fell into a recession, which caused higher unemployment rates and tighter credit markets. While it was tougher to qualify for a mortgage following the recession, millennials were also taking on increasing amounts of student debt.

If colleges didn't charge so danged much for their tuition, well, they wouldn't be in this situation. Of course, if I had been that generation, I probably would have opted out of college altogether and get into the workforce young.

Of course, they can work, but won't get paid the amount to live on their own. At the local Publix here , everyone doesn't even work 40hrs. They make them work part time. Basically employers are too cheap to pay their employees decent wages.

 

[CCHIPSS]

Hm I would figure this behavior, ie, dish throwing and the like, would something you'd pick up from while dating her , yes? I know it's "Could have, would have, should have" as it's water under the bridge...but I guess there's something to be said for people hiding this behavior well, and then come the honey moon night, she throws something at you? and you're like "What have I done?!"

Anyway, there's another thing that comes to mind. Is it wrong to date a divorced person that has been divorced through "Irreconcilable diff?

I mean, we as never been married Christians, who come across so many divorcee's, are really going to bother with vetting our dating prospects with, "So...what's your reason for divorcing? Oh, you just grew apart? Sorry, can't date ya."

Plus, that is an awkward topic to bring up.

If a Christian decides to date a divorcee, who claimed that he/she has repented, I think it is reasonable to ask him/her the true reason for the divorce. In fact if possible I think it is good to meet also with the other ex-spouse to listen to that side of the story.

God is a good of light and truth. In God there is no secrets.

If this divorcee you are dating have this dark secret in his/her past marriage that he/she cannot dare to tell you, something is very wrong don't you think? Either this divorcee don't trust you. Or that dark secret is so bad that it pretty much can never be redeemed.

For example this divorcee was in fact an abuser. He/she used to throw knifes at their ex-spouse, etc. These kind of dark secrets are almost not redeemable. These abusive people are mostly called to stay single for the rest of their lives.

Now if this divorcee confesses these kind of dark secrets to you, then perhaps he/she is truly repentant. And if God calls you to love him/her then you can do so. But if this divorcee refuses to tell you these dark secrets, I would be very weary.

 

[blackribbon]

Funny that you mention this, but there had been a ton of articles on how about a good chunk of Millennials , although they HAVE lived on their own...for a time...wind up moving back in with their parents. This goes for both men and women, but there's kind of a double standard that if a man does this, he's undate-able.

A 32 year old woman who lives with her parents is more dateable than a 32 year old man who lives at home?....(not because they are supporting their parents).

Why?

 

[Barzel]

A 32 year old woman who lives with her parents is more dateable than a 32 year old man who lives at home?....(not because they are supporting their parents).

Why?

Some people would say it's because it's up to a man to provide a house for his wife, so a man is undate-able because he doesn't have a home of his own, whereas all she has to do is move out to live with him. That's not my opinion, but I've heard that argument before. Personally I think it's male bovine poo.