Divorced with Children

[JAM2b]

Something I have dreaded for a long time is coming soon.

My oldest son will be graduating from high school in May (on a WEDNESDAY night! Who schedules graduations in the middle of the week????).

So also this May, my ex husband and I will have been divorced for 10 years. He is remarried to a woman who is mean to our youngest son. They have a child together and he is not very well behaved. They plan to come to the graduation.

I wasn't sure if they would because we live in the next state, and my ex has only troubled himself to come to where we live ONCE in four years. I have driven to his place several times and met him midway most of the time to exchange the boys for visits. However, he has plans to be here for the graduation.

He isn't speaking to me, so I don't know if he is really bringing his wife and other child. My son gets stressed when I ask him if he has spoken to his dad and what the status is.

After years of raising the boys almost entirely on my own, no help from him when things were hard, and he wouldn't even call to talk to the boys if they were having a hard time, ill, and even hospitalized...I have to share my son's graduation with him.



I hardly ever see my ex. We don't speak much when we do because the less we say, the less we fight. I have not seen or spoken to his wife in almost four years. The last time i saw her, she had intentionally clawed my youngest son (graduating son's little brother) on the arm twice, leaving 8 huge scratch marks from his elbow to his wrist, to make a point. I reported her to authorities. They weren't concerned saying, "It was just a scratch," but they didn't see, didn't look at photos, and would not even talk to her or my two sons about it. They wrote it up as "inappropriate discipline" and said I needed to tell her she shouldn't do that. Nothing was ever done about it. She and my ex have my son convinced that it wasn't that bad and it was his fault for making her reach the point that she wanted to do that to him (classic abuser tactic).

So, my ex and this woman are possibly coming, and in my mind I see them taking away my son's attention and getting in the way of me being able to celebrate with him. My son wants to have a party.

In mid-June my son plans to move to Texas to go live with his dad and step-mom, and go to college there. I'm not OK with that, and I'm not ready for it. To be honest if feels so unfair. Why do they get to have my kid? Why would he choose to leave here to go be with them? Why would he want to be with people who have mistreated both him and his brother, and neglected both of them for years? (Not asking for answers, these are just the thoughts that keep running through my mind)

I'm not sure what to do. I'm on an incredibly tight budget, I'm having surgery between now and then, missing a lot of work for that, and having to get ready to say goodbye to my son. I don't know if I'm going to handle this well. I don't know what to expect or how to plan for this. I'm trying to reach a place in my mind where I am OK with it, but I'm just not, and I don't know if I will be by the time I have to be.

 

[mukk_in]

Something I have dreaded for a long time is coming soon.

My oldest son will be graduating from high school in May (on a WEDNESDAY night! Who schedules graduations in the middle of the week????).

So also this May, my ex husband and I will have been divorced for 10 years. He is remarried to a woman who is mean to our youngest son. They have a child together and he is not very well behaved. They plan to come to the graduation.

I wasn't sure if they would because we live in the next state, and my ex has only troubled himself to come to where we live ONCE in four years. I have driven to his place several times and met him midway most of the time to exchange the boys for visits. However, he has plans to be here for the graduation.

He isn't speaking to me, so I don't know if he is really bringing his wife and other child. My son gets stressed when I ask him if he has spoken to his dad and what the status is.

After years of raising the boys almost entirely on my own, no help from him when things were hard, and he wouldn't even call to talk to the boys if they were having a hard time, ill, and even hospitalized...I have to share my son's graduation with him.



I hardly ever see my ex. We don't speak much when we do because the less we say, the less we fight. I have not seen or spoken to his wife in almost four years. The last time i saw her, she had intentionally clawed my youngest son (graduating son's little brother) on the arm twice, leaving 8 huge scratch marks from his elbow to his wrist, to make a point. I reported her to authorities. They weren't concerned saying, "It was just a scratch," but they didn't see, didn't look at photos, and would not even talk to her or my two sons about it. They wrote it up as "inappropriate discipline" and said I needed to tell her she shouldn't do that. Nothing was ever done about it. She and my ex have my son convinced that it wasn't that bad and it was his fault for making her reach the point that she wanted to do that to him (classic abuser tactic).

So, my ex and this woman are possibly coming, and in my mind I see them taking away my son's attention and getting in the way of me being able to celebrate with him. My son wants to have a party.

In mid-June my son plans to move to Texas to go live with his dad and step-mom, and go to college there. I'm not OK with that, and I'm not ready for it. To be honest if feels so unfair. Why do they get to have my kid? Why would he choose to leave here to go be with them? Why would he want to be with people who have mistreated both him and his brother, and neglected both of them for years? (Not asking for answers, these are just the thoughts that keep running through my mind)

I'm not sure what to do. I'm on an incredibly tight budget, I'm having surgery between now and then, missing a lot of work for that, and having to get ready to say goodbye to my son. I don't know if I'm going to handle this well. I don't know what to expect or how to plan for this. I'm trying to reach a place in my mind where I am OK with it, but I'm just not, and I don't know if I will be by the time I have to be.

You have a lot on your plate sis. May I suggest this: "Do not be anxious about anything. But in everything with prayer, supplication and thanksgiving present your requests to God and the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus our Lord." Folks here with children will be able to help you better. I've been praying for the healing and well-being of your family. Peace in the Lord Jesus Christ.

 

[Servant68]

Since you are having a party for your son, I would ask your ex and his wife to respect your privacy and not attend. At my daughter's graduation, there was plenty of time after the ceremony to talk with and congratulate the kids and socialize. Then there was a private party that one of the parents had at their house for the kids and their close friends and family.

Maybe you could coordinate a party with your son's best friend's parents to cut down on costs.

I have been blessed in that I have not had to see my ex after our divorce except one time at my daughter's wedding. My daughter told her to leave her new husband at home. It was a big fight...

Now, my daughter is having twins in ten days and my ex is flying out to see them. My daughter told her that the new husband is not welcome. My daughter doesn't know the guy and doesn't want strangers visiting; she says it's too stressful. My ex is, of course, upset that my daughter won't accept her new husband. But my ex is a very selfish and self-centered person who is truly blind to how her actions affect others and have consequences.

I told my daughter to not deny her mother access to the babies on my account; that I'm over being bitter and angry at the adultery and lying and just feel sorry for such a lost person. But my daughter says it's not about me, it's about what's best for her and the newborns. I know it's absolutely tearing my ex up inside to have her choices rejected by her own daughter.

My son, on the other hand, loves the new guy and flies out to the Midwest to visit them all the time and sees me, a 5 hour drive away, about twice a year.

I've learned that getting upset with our kid's choices or reading too much into them can be devastating to our own self image and self worth.

 

[quietpraiyze]

Something I have dreaded for a long time is coming soon.

My oldest son will be graduating from high school in May (on a WEDNESDAY night! Who schedules graduations in the middle of the week????).

So also this May, my ex husband and I will have been divorced for 10 years. He is remarried to a woman who is mean to our youngest son. They have a child together and he is not very well behaved. They plan to come to the graduation.

I wasn't sure if they would because we live in the next state, and my ex has only troubled himself to come to where we live ONCE in four years. I have driven to his place several times and met him midway most of the time to exchange the boys for visits. However, he has plans to be here for the graduation.

He isn't speaking to me, so I don't know if he is really bringing his wife and other child. My son gets stressed when I ask him if he has spoken to his dad and what the status is.

After years of raising the boys almost entirely on my own, no help from him when things were hard, and he wouldn't even call to talk to the boys if they were having a hard time, ill, and even hospitalized...I have to share my son's graduation with him.



I hardly ever see my ex. We don't speak much when we do because the less we say, the less we fight. I have not seen or spoken to his wife in almost four years. The last time i saw her, she had intentionally clawed my youngest son (graduating son's little brother) on the arm twice, leaving 8 huge scratch marks from his elbow to his wrist, to make a point. I reported her to authorities. They weren't concerned saying, "It was just a scratch," but they didn't see, didn't look at photos, and would not even talk to her or my two sons about it. They wrote it up as "inappropriate discipline" and said I needed to tell her she shouldn't do that. Nothing was ever done about it. She and my ex have my son convinced that it wasn't that bad and it was his fault for making her reach the point that she wanted to do that to him (classic abuser tactic).

So, my ex and this woman are possibly coming, and in my mind I see them taking away my son's attention and getting in the way of me being able to celebrate with him. My son wants to have a party.

In mid-June my son plans to move to Texas to go live with his dad and step-mom, and go to college there. I'm not OK with that, and I'm not ready for it. To be honest if feels so unfair. Why do they get to have my kid? Why would he choose to leave here to go be with them? Why would he want to be with people who have mistreated both him and his brother, and neglected both of them for years? (Not asking for answers, these are just the thoughts that keep running through my mind)

I'm not sure what to do. I'm on an incredibly tight budget, I'm having surgery between now and then, missing a lot of work for that, and having to get ready to say goodbye to my son. I don't know if I'm going to handle this well. I don't know what to expect or how to plan for this. I'm trying to reach a place in my mind where I am OK with it, but I'm just not, and I don't know if I will be by the time I have to be.

If I could give you a hug...

As I was reading this in my mind I was like ggggguuuuurrrrrrlllllll (It's a cultural response some of us black women say to one another when a sister has shared something that more than likely would have made us snap! Especially when children are involved). I guess my question to you is why do you feel you have to be okay with any of it? Are you equating being okay with it with being a “good Christian” or a “good mom”? By the way I'm a single parent (never married by choice) now of an adult child.

 

[wwjosh19]

Continue to love and care for your boys. Children know in their hearts who truly care for them. My ex and I separated 2007, divorce finalized in 2009. I have 2 girls, one was in middle school, one in high school then. Truly painful experience when divorced with children. But it all come to pass. Not sure the scars will ever completely go away. Kids move on. Just love them and all will be well. I had a nature walk with my younger girl yesterday after her dental. I tended to talk the past, she said ' Dad, no need to look back, look forward, be positive, future is what we should focus"

 

[blackribbon]

This graduation is his and he has the right to have his father there. He didn't pick his father, you did. If you make this about you...and force him to "pick" one parent over the other...then you risk him shutting you out of his life, at least for a period of time. Let him find out for himself who his father is. I suspect that at this point he believes that his father has reject him because of you and your hatred toward his father. You don't have to spend time with your ex. You and your younger son can sit somewhere entirely different than his father and his family. Plan on having your party on the weekend (who has a party mid week anyway?)...ask him if for your sake to not invite his father and ask him what day/night that he wants to reserve for celebrating with his dad so you can plan his party for a different day. Be the better person. Be the mom your son needs to have to not ruin his special day. He didn't ask to be stuck in the obvious animosity between you and his dad. Don't make him have to choice who he loves...you might not like the end result. A boy wants his dad in his life...even a crappy dad.

You also knew that he was about to "grow up" and that he would eventually need to leave home to become a man. I think it would be a relief to know he has chosen to be with a family member over just moving to some school where he has no support system. By living with dad, I am guessing that dad will be the one who has to finance more of college, at least the day to day expenses. Use the savings to spend on your other son...or to save up for him to come see you on the holidays.

Trust God. By him trying to develop a relationship with his dad does not mean that he is turning his back on you. He should be allowed to have two parents. This isn't a him against me...but a boy who wants a dad AND a mom. If you love your son, give him room to have both and to make his own judgement of his dad. If your ex actually stands up finally and is a good dad, your son wins. If he turns out to be a jerk, then it is your son who looses out the most. I hope you really don't hate your ex so much that you really want to see your son disappointed again. Pray for your son to have a good experience with his dad...and behave in such a way that he knows you are his safe spot and won't ever say "I told you so" if dad turns out to be a jerk. Remember, you picked the man who would be his dad...not him. He just wants to get to know the person who gave him half his DNA.

I will be praying for you because this will be a hard time for you. However, this is YOUR SON's day to celebrate, not yours. Don't ruin it for him by being bitter and making him feel guilty.

(I did not invite any of my parents to my wedding (very small because of family drama) because I didn't want to deal with the drama of my parents and step-parents....even though my mom was the solid person in my life. I didn't want to have to cater to everyone else's feelings rather than just enjoying my happiness. No one would guilted me but me, but even that was too much to deal with.)

This is your chance to start giving your adult son the right to love both of you.

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

I don't really have anything to offer other than a big hug I have all of this to come with my two.

Praying for you sis

 

[rubyinprogress]

Something I have dreaded for a long time is coming soon.

My oldest son will be graduating from high school in May (on a WEDNESDAY night! Who schedules graduations in the middle of the week????).

So also this May, my ex husband and I will have been divorced for 10 years. He is remarried to a woman who is mean to our youngest son. They have a child together and he is not very well behaved. They plan to come to the graduation.

I wasn't sure if they would because we live in the next state, and my ex has only troubled himself to come to where we live ONCE in four years. I have driven to his place several times and met him midway most of the time to exchange the boys for visits. However, he has plans to be here for the graduation.

He isn't speaking to me, so I don't know if he is really bringing his wife and other child. My son gets stressed when I ask him if he has spoken to his dad and what the status is.

After years of raising the boys almost entirely on my own, no help from him when things were hard, and he wouldn't even call to talk to the boys if they were having a hard time, ill, and even hospitalized...I have to share my son's graduation with him.



I hardly ever see my ex. We don't speak much when we do because the less we say, the less we fight. I have not seen or spoken to his wife in almost four years. The last time i saw her, she had intentionally clawed my youngest son (graduating son's little brother) on the arm twice, leaving 8 huge scratch marks from his elbow to his wrist, to make a point. I reported her to authorities. They weren't concerned saying, "It was just a scratch," but they didn't see, didn't look at photos, and would not even talk to her or my two sons about it. They wrote it up as "inappropriate discipline" and said I needed to tell her she shouldn't do that. Nothing was ever done about it. She and my ex have my son convinced that it wasn't that bad and it was his fault for making her reach the point that she wanted to do that to him (classic abuser tactic).

So, my ex and this woman are possibly coming, and in my mind I see them taking away my son's attention and getting in the way of me being able to celebrate with him. My son wants to have a party.

In mid-June my son plans to move to Texas to go live with his dad and step-mom, and go to college there. I'm not OK with that, and I'm not ready for it. To be honest if feels so unfair. Why do they get to have my kid? Why would he choose to leave here to go be with them? Why would he want to be with people who have mistreated both him and his brother, and neglected both of them for years? (Not asking for answers, these are just the thoughts that keep running through my mind)

I'm not sure what to do. I'm on an incredibly tight budget, I'm having surgery between now and then, missing a lot of work for that, and having to get ready to say goodbye to my son. I don't know if I'm going to handle this well. I don't know what to expect or how to plan for this. I'm trying to reach a place in my mind where I am OK with it, but I'm just not, and I don't know if I will be by the time I have to be.

You don't have to be ok with your son's decisions but maybe you can trust God that He has a plan. Maybe this college is the right choice for your son. Maybe he has idealized dad and step mom because he hasn't been around them enough to see it for himself. He's young, but he's old enough to figure some stuff out for himself, even if he makes some painful mistakes along the way. Give him your blessing to grow into a man and make decisions (and even mistakes) for himself, even if you can't give him your blessing on these particular choices. Hope that helps. I have two adult sons so I get the painfulness of letting go....

 

[JAM2b]

This did not turn out as horribly as I feared, but it wasn't as good as it could have been.

The graduation was this last week. The ceremony went well, and was a happy event. (BTW, I wasn't the only parent who complained about a Wednesday night graduation. The school and the district administration office received a lot of upset phone calls and emails. People have to work and younger kids are still in school, and the ceremony was in another town on a college campus instead of in our town at our school.)

So, two weeks before graduation my son got a text from his dad that his step-mother would not be coming because of health reasons. My son pressed him about details for their other child and dad regarding their visit and how long he would stay, and if he would be willing to take a load of my son's things with him since he will be moving there next month. After two days of not answering those questions, my ex texted my son to say that he wasn't coming either. He said he was too busy and couldn't afford to drive here.

At first my son went on auto-pilot and acted like he had no emotion for a few days, then he spent a few days being cranky and impatient with everyone who crossed his path. The next week, week before the graduation, my son became very sick and was hospitalized over night for fluids and observation. I texted my ex to tell him that my son was sick. He just told me to keep him updated and didn't ask for any details or call to check on him. Later he texted and told me to tell my son to text or call him. When my son woke up, I told him, and he just glared, rolled over, and said, "No, maybe later." I don't know if he ever did.

The night of the graduation my son finally talked about his dad not showing up. He said that he was very disappointed and angry. He still plans to move there in June, but he isn't as excited about it. He said that if his dad continues to break his word, he will not want to keep living with him. (I was thinking, "he's done this practically your whole life, and you're just now seeing it. It's not likely to change." But I didn't say it.)

Another thing that happened was the school wanted the parents to write a letter to graduating seniors, and they were going to present them with the letters at the graduation before coming out for the ceremony. They sent a letter out to the parents explaining the process and the type of letter it should be (parental pride, love, support, congratulatory). They also said if both parents don't live in the same home, to share the information with the other parent so that each student can receive a letter from both parents.

I told my ex about the letters. It was the only response he gave me to any text this whole entire school year about graduation or visits/moving. He said that he would do it, and I gave him the school address and contact person's name.

He never wrote or sent a letter. After the graduation my son mentioned that some kids got two letters. He said, "I guess they got one from a teacher or something."

I just shrugged, and acted like I didn't know. I will NEVER tell him that his dad was asked, and not only did he not come to the graduation, but he also didn't even bother to scribble even a simple note on a scrap of paper to send to him. No one needs to know something like that.

I have been worried that he might talk to other students and find out that they received a letter from different parents, and my son will ask why he didn't get one from his dad. I expect to be blamed because my ex and my kids often blame me for this kind of thing. I have saved the text messages where I told his father, his father agreed, and I sent the address to him. That way none of them can say it was my fault. Over the years I have had to learn how to defend myself because of the lies and manipulation.

 

[blackribbon]

Your son is almost a man and I do think he is starting to realize what kind of jerk his dad is. Unfortunately, this is a lesson they have to learn on their own.

I am glad that the whole thing was better for you though I hurt for your son. (hugs to you all)

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

It was such an honourable thing for you to remain neutral in spite of your ex's actions. The main thing now is that your son will see and appreciate all that you've had to sacrifice in terms of bringing some kind of normality in his life that his dad chose to neglect.

Big hugs and prayers to you sis

 

[ChristianChar]

Something I have dreaded for a long time is coming soon.

My oldest son will be graduating from high school in May (on a WEDNESDAY night! Who schedules graduations in the middle of the week????).

So also this May, my ex husband and I will have been divorced for 10 years. He is remarried to a woman who is mean to our youngest son. They have a child together and he is not very well behaved. They plan to come to the graduation.

I wasn't sure if they would because we live in the next state, and my ex has only troubled himself to come to where we live ONCE in four years. I have driven to his place several times and met him midway most of the time to exchange the boys for visits. However, he has plans to be here for the graduation.

He isn't speaking to me, so I don't know if he is really bringing his wife and other child. My son gets stressed when I ask him if he has spoken to his dad and what the status is.

After years of raising the boys almost entirely on my own, no help from him when things were hard, and he wouldn't even call to talk to the boys if they were having a hard time, ill, and even hospitalized...I have to share my son's graduation with him.



I hardly ever see my ex. We don't speak much when we do because the less we say, the less we fight. I have not seen or spoken to his wife in almost four years. The last time i saw her, she had intentionally clawed my youngest son (graduating son's little brother) on the arm twice, leaving 8 huge scratch marks from his elbow to his wrist, to make a point. I reported her to authorities. They weren't concerned saying, "It was just a scratch," but they didn't see, didn't look at photos, and would not even talk to her or my two sons about it. They wrote it up as "inappropriate discipline" and said I needed to tell her she shouldn't do that. Nothing was ever done about it. She and my ex have my son convinced that it wasn't that bad and it was his fault for making her reach the point that she wanted to do that to him (classic abuser tactic).

So, my ex and this woman are possibly coming, and in my mind I see them taking away my son's attention and getting in the way of me being able to celebrate with him. My son wants to have a party.

In mid-June my son plans to move to Texas to go live with his dad and step-mom, and go to college there. I'm not OK with that, and I'm not ready for it. To be honest if feels so unfair. Why do they get to have my kid? Why would he choose to leave here to go be with them? Why would he want to be with people who have mistreated both him and his brother, and neglected both of them for years? (Not asking for answers, these are just the thoughts that keep running through my mind)

I'm not sure what to do. I'm on an incredibly tight budget, I'm having surgery between now and then, missing a lot of work for that, and having to get ready to say goodbye to my son. I don't know if I'm going to handle this well. I don't know what to expect or how to plan for this. I'm trying to reach a place in my mind where I am OK with it, but I'm just not, and I don't know if I will be by the time I have to be.

 

[ChristianChar]

This is indeed a hard situation for you and your son, I'm sure. Honestly, I don't know how I would react to all that you've gone through either.
I have found throughout the years as a Christian single-mom that, even though I didn't agree with my ex on many issues of raising our daughter (who is now 30 yrs old and married), and sometimes thoroughly disgusted at some of the things he put me through (even though I've put him through hard times too), I still realize that he is human and that he will indeed sin and make some mistakes in life. We all do, right?

If you keep all these terrible things from the past inside your heart and hold them there as though they were trophies of the past, you will never get past them. You just have to let them go! But in doing so, that requires forgiveness. I realize this is easily said than done and very hard to do, especially if he (and his wife) are doing and acting the same way with you over and over and seem to never change. I can sense by your story that you still hold a lot of bitterness, anger, jealousy, and resentment within. But before you change anything or go on with your life, you must address this issue first. It's true that as time goes on things may settle down and you and your ex can even possibly become civil with each other (or not), but in any case, forgiveness is the key and it's the only way to heal your broken heart.

You see, sense Christ Jesus went to the cross to pay for my sins (and yours) and forgive me of them as well, then how can I not forgive others when they do horrible things (or sin) against me? Who am I to say no to them and to keep them inside this invisible prison inside my heart? Let them go and release those chains that bind you, and that bind your ex (and his wife). The Bible says in Colossians 3:13 to "Bear with each other, and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Matthew 6:14-15 tells us, "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your heavenly Father will not forgive you of your sins." Wow! That's a scary thought to me, how about you? Look also to 1 John 1:9 which says that, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just, and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." And, lastly, Ephesians 4:31-32 commands us to, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you." So you can see that God expects us as Christians to be Christ-like in that we forgive those who have done wrong towards us.

Your precious son will also see your example in Christian conduct so that he too will be encouraged to emulate and imitate you in your reaction to his dad and dad's wife. When you get all hatred, malice, anger, jealousy, and rage out of your heart and life, you will then find the peace and joy that follows.

I pray that your joy does return and that you'll honor the Lord from here on with all that you do. God Bless.
From Charlene Laguer