divorced; want to remarry

[dan00000]

Hello, I'll just get right to it. I am a divorced 28 y/o male. This is what happened:

We both played a dumb (ungodly) game on the computer. She met another on the computer and was "in love" with him. We decided to get divorced (I was pretty upset). She says she wants me to be happy and introduces me to a girl she knew on there. I was lonely and upset and it seemed good at the time, she was going through a divorce and we empathized with eachother. My now ex-wife wanted us to meet eachother and said she didn't care if we slept together and said in fact that since I hadn't ever slept with anyone else that kind of always had "intimidated her". So I did, and committed adultry, although my ex wife had already done so. I came to my senses the next minute and immediately regretted what I had done and prayed for forgiveness and called my wife to ask her if we could work it out and that I didn't want to get divorced... she said she did, but when I got back she didn't and kept on with the same guy from before I found out later. She was also playing a vampire role game out in town at all hours of the night. I stopped doing anything with that other woman and just wanted my wife to work it out with me. I was in the military and had to move, and my wife refused to go and said she wanted a divorce. After I left the guy she was with on the computer moved in with her and my daughters (two daughters); this guy was bad news... I did not want a divorce, I got very depressed, had a nervous breakdown and was seeing a counselor and I started to go back to church more and I got baptised and got hot about it again, and I know the things I did were wrong. I invited her to come to talk to the pastor with me and she did so but told him lies about me, then told my other counselor lies about me as well... (ie like I was abusive, when I wasn't). My pastor did not believe her becuase she was still in "vampire game mode"... anyway I begged her not to leave me and wante dto work it out, but she would have nothing of it. It took four years for the divorce to go through. My ex is about to get remarried.

I am over it now, and I know that divorce is a sin. But I also know that I am forgiven. But I have questions:

a) do I fall in to a biblical divorce since we BOTH commited adultry (although she did so first and in secret which is when I threw in the towel and I immediately repented and not in secret of that and feel awful for it- I'm not lying I have nothing to gain from that)

b) do I fall into biblical divorce because she deserted me and would not return, even when I went back to the Lord and then asked and begged with her and really did NOT want it (bear in mind she's living with that guy at this point)? I mean seriously, I would have done anything, anything to have her love me again. I had made mistakes in our marriage before it started with that other guy she had on the puter, but nothing catastrophic.

c) I have had a girlfriend for a while and eventually I want to marry her (we are not having sex, don't worry). She is not a divorcee, and we are both christians. Is this possible? Or rather, if I do marry again, would it still be adultery? Please remember that I did not want the divorce and was truly abandoned. Jesus got me over my depression about it; I couldn't do it on my own.

 

[search1ng]

Matthew 19:9
And I [Jesus] say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery."

So if you want to be technical, you do fall under the Biblical "rules" for divorce, and you will not be guilty of adultery if you remarry (insofar as I understand).

Also 1 Corinthians 7:15
But if the unbelieving partner actually leaves, let him do so; in such cases the remaining brother or sister is not morally bound. But God has called us to peace.

So if your ex-wife left (which she did), then you have no moral obligation to your marriage with her, and God will not hold you to it.

If you want my opinion... enjoy your relationship with your special lady and don't worry about the past -- it's all forgiven and forgotten in the eyes of God. I would suggest counselling though; there's a lot of issues that divorce brings up (which I'm sure you know) and your new relationship will be all the more blessed for it. Focus on the Family has a great counsellor referral service: http://family-referral.custhelp.com/cgi-bin/family_referral.cfg/php/enduser/ask.php

May God bless you as you grow in Him

PS. Ask your pastor what his/her views on this matter are -- I'm sure they'd be more than willing to share their thoughts with you.

 

[Yitzchak]

I subscribe to what I like to call "common sense theology". There is a passage in JOHN chapter 7 which illustrates this "common sense theology" which deals with the sabbath. It is an occasion where the pharisees (the jewish religious leaders of that time) came against Jesus for healing on the sabbath because it was against their rules for the sabbath to do so. Jesus responds by pointing out how the pharisees themselves make exceptions to the sabbath for "common sense" reasons. Under jewish law a child was to be circumcised on the 8th day ( Genesis 17:10-14, and leviticus 12:3 ). What happened though when the 8th day fell on the sabbath? Did they break the law of circumcision or the law of sabbath? Jesus points out how they broke the law of sabbath and circumcised.
What am I saying? I am saying instead of a person giving themselve a headache by analyzing every passage concerning divorce and remarriage with a fine tooth comb. I suggest using "common sense theology". Marriage is meant to be for life. Sometimes there are common sense exceptions when a situation gets complicated. The "rules" in the word of God are not there to put people under bondage. The final verse in the passage on the sabbath which I mentioned is a well known and often quoted verse. It says do not judge by appearance but rather judge a righteous judgement. In order to judge a righteous judgement concerning things, legalism must be out aside and an honest look at the heart be brought forth.
You may have arrived there after some major stumbling, but you reached the point where you desired reconciliation and faithfulness in your marriage. Clearly that is God's will concerning marriage. However, your ex-wife choose to end the marriage. If it was in your power to do so, you would have reconciled and made things right. That is also God's will concerning marriage. However, the scripture teaches that even under the law, Moses made exceptions for the sake of hardness of heart. Obviously , both you and your ex-wife had hardened your hearts. When your's finally softened, hers unfortunately remained hardened. Ouch!
Now your marriage is over and so you are free to move on. Make sure you keep your heart free from bitterness and keep a soft heart towards God and towards your future wife. Because the hardness of heart was the root of your divorce, not the other surface problems (although they were some huge problems).
Just my opinion here. I apologize if I was too blunt. My basic premise is that God deals with the heart and not just the intellect concerning all matters including this one.

 

[dan00000]

No apology necessary, I seek the truth to do what is right in the eyes of God at this point. I am really trying to put away everything that takes me from god. I just want to know if I can remarry without it being sinful.

 

[enslow]

I think you need to talk with your pastor about this. I would say there are biblical grounds for your divorce.

If you and your girlfriend are serious about marriage, I would be brutally honest about your past. You don't need to go into details. If you plan to marry this woman, not only do you have to be comfortable with your past and how you resolved it, so does she.

Enslow

 

[dan00000]

She does know everything; I've talked with her... she's upset that I am having difficulty at this point (we've seen eachother for about three years) kind of all of the sudden; I just got hot again after being admitedly luke warm. I've spoken with my pastor, and didn't leave any details out with him either, and he is of the notion that I may remarry, but I'm meeting with him again just because I want to have it "proven" I guess. I just didn't want to go any further with my girlfriend if I would have to face the fact that I cannot be with her. Also, I don't think I ever could drag her into some sort of permanent sinful union... You know, it's so difficult to know what exactly to do. I miss the childlike simplicity.

 

[King Element]

I don't think it's an unforgivable sin to remarry -- even if some people feel according to the scriptures that you don't qualify to do so. But that's just my opinion. I do think that you should let God be the main factor in deciding on whether you should remarry...and to whom.

 

[ceres]

If she is gone and about to get remarried then you guys are not going to reconcile, you are free to marry again.

 

[enslow]

Oh Dan, just go and pop the question!

Enslow

 

[ceres]

if you are not sure, i would wait until your former wife is already remarried. maybe she will suddenly break up with her fiance before she marries him and want to reconcile? never know. i would hate to be engaged and confronted with that issue...

 

[dan00000]

Well, I'm not in any hurry or anything... I just kind of freaked out. When i was going through all this some years ago I was a basketcase of depression over it all... my pastor at the time said it would have been all right to remarry in that he told me that God would find a new mate for me eventually (not that I even could think or wanted to hear that at the time.)
My ex-wife and I can never reconcile. I just don't believe that is possible any longer... there have been a lot of lies that I just have to overlook for the sake of my daughters. I do hope that she gets saved and I do forgive her. She is, in fact about to be remarried. He isn't saved either, but they are not acting up or anything. Unfortunately the only way I get God into my children's lives is through myself exposing them. So I've got a big job now... I'm hoping, since my daughters do like it, that they can influence my ex-wife perhaps and her new husband.
Thanks for all your comments though!

 

[j3r3m3y]

There is only one unforgivable sin:

Mark 3
28I tell you the truth, all the sins and blasphemies of men will be forgiven them. 29But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin."

Other than that all you have done can be forgiven if you ask for it.