Divorced, re-married and confused

[jwebhead]

I am placing this question/dilemma in this forum because I need Christian advice. Theological advice if possible. Here is my situation...sorry if it is long.

Here it is in a nutshell and if more background info is needed, ask. I selfishly (I see that now...I didn't see it at the time) sought a divorce from my husband. No adultery, no physical abuse just neglect and he didn't show love towards me. No intimacy, not interest in the children, nothing. After 6 years I got fed up and did get swept away with the flattery of another man. Someone I have known for years but never allowed myself to admit my feeling for him. Well then one night on a phone call we both allowed ourselves to come clean with our feelings.


After I requested the divorce my husband confessed to me that he was addicted to porn and really struggling with it but as per usual he did nothing to fix it. Yes he claimed to stop, but there was no effort in fixing us.

Anyway the divorce went through. I moved away and married the man whom I knew for the past 8 years. He is the love of my life and I adore him more than anything in this world. The problem is I never stopped loving my now ex-husband and he has turned a new leaf and is really a new person in Christ. We have 2 sons that are 2500 miles away from their Dad and are adapting well, but still upset that Mom and Dad are not together.

This may sound like a bizarre question and even a situation that I want my cake and eat it too, but because I sought the divorce without biblical reason and now re-married does God recognize my marriage with my present husband? If not and because I still love my ex-husband is it a sin to get divorced, yet again, and be back with my ex. I know in the old testament there is reference to having a husband issue a certificate of divorce to his wife and then if her new husband issues her a certificate of divorce she is NOT to go back to the first husband.

Recently I have had some people telling me that my marriage is not recognized in the eyes of God and I need to reconcile my family? How do I do that and is that biblical...

help

 

[Risen Tree]

I would make a suggestion, but after something that happened to me at work today related to this issue, I cannot answer this question with a clear head right now.

 

[HolyRoller]

Reflect on your relationships. Do you still love your former husband or is it that you want what you do not have. Not tring to be mean. This is a question you need to pray deeply about.
you say that your present husband is the love of your life but you still love your past husband. Pray about what love is.
You have a problen that plagues many people. May God bless you

 

[jwebhead]

Do you still love your former husband or is it that you want what you do not have...
you say that your present husband is the love of your life but you still love your past husband.

Will pray about the meaning of love, but I always loved my now ex-husband I just could not handle the neglect and negativity he always expressed. He has really made a change and both he and I believe he is NOW a true Christian. Before it was for show and no heart. God really has done a huge work in him as he has finally LET god.

As far as my present husband being the love of my life I say that because it is so simple for he and I to be and show eachother the love and appreciation for eachother. For he and I it comes naturally but I made a family with my ex. I am just confused about the recognition of God in my present marriage. Does He recognize it or no because I illegitimately broke the previous covenant?

 

[desi]

Biblically you are still married to your first husband until he divorces you for fornication.

 

[Yitzchak]

My mother always told me growing up that "two wrongs don't make a right." I am convinced, reading the bible, that God agrees. Way to go Mom......
You would be making a mistake to divorce your current husband and instead of fixing your first mistake, you would simply compound it.
God is not as legalistic as Humans can tend to get at times. God is more interested in what is in the heart and relationships than legalities...... The real issue here is "two wrongs don't make a right" and a second wrong doesn't fix the first one.
I suggest that you work on fixing your selfishness which led to your first divorce and thus avoid a second divorce for the same exact reason meaning selfishness. It really is quite simple, just not easy to walk out in real life.....You are to be faithful to your current husband , period, no if, ands or buts.......... If you truelly have learned from your first mistake, you will not compound it with a second divorce......

 

[jwebhead]

Biblically you are still married to your first husband until he divorces you for fornication.

~Desi~
So what are you saying exactly? The divorce has happened. I am re-married...you havene't answered anything.

 

[jwebhead]

I suggest that you work on fixing your selfishness which led to your first divorce and thus avoid a second divorce for the same exact reason meaning selfishness. It really is quite simple, just not easy to walk out in real life.....You are to be faithful to your current husband , period, no if, ands or buts.......... If you truelly have learned from your first mistake, you will not compound it with a second divorce......

I agree completely and I am working on how selfish I was (and maybe still am) but from the previous post from "desi" what does that mean if God does not recognize my second marraige.

 

[kbean]

I haven't had a post get me this emotioal before, normally I keep a pretty objective view on things....
What a hard situation. Yitzchak, I do understand your point of 2 wrongs don't make a right....but that's assuming that the second divorce is a wrong to as well.
The kids is what gets me. I say do whatever it takes, putting yourself completley last (which is a good cure for working on the selfishness problem) which the bible tells us to do...and heal those boys of yours. Bring them back to daddy. I could cry. Boys NEED there dad. The problem with new marriages invoving kids is there are SO SO SO many complications, you will never forsee, not until you face them. You married the new guy for completley selfish reasons (I think, I am right?) I understand the touble you were facing in yuor 1st marriage, but marriage is like that. You have GOT to face the troubles, not leave them and get into more trouble.
Do you see what i am saying? I will pray and pray and pray for you and yuor boys, and for your 2nd husband to support you if you go back and for your 1st husband to continue the positive changes....
What do you think you want the story to tell when you are 75? That you made it through for those boys of yours and did what was right, or that you stuck to doing what made you happy at the time?
This is a hard one and I am glad you have posted about it.
By the way, I really don't think it's possible for kids to 'adapt well' in any situation like this, when dad is still alive but the new guy in mom's life is taking over...please get more informed on the impact your decisions are REALLY haveing on your children.
God bless you and I say all of this with a heart of treamendous compassion for you all.

 

[Sketcher]

~Desi~
So what are you saying exactly? The divorce has happened. I am re-married...you havene't answered anything.

God only recognizes a divorce if spouse who initiated the divorce did so because his/her partner cheated. God does not recognize your marraige. Technically, it is still an affair. Therefore I do not see divorcing your "current" husband as sinful.

 

[desi]

God only recognizes a divorce if spouse who initiated the divorce did so because his/her partner cheated. God does not recognize your marraige. Technically, it is still an affair. Therefore I do not see divorcing your "current" husband as sinful.

That's about the size of it.

 

[HumbleBee]

God only recognizes a divorce if spouse who initiated the divorce did so because his/her partner cheated. God does not recognize your marraige. Technically, it is still an affair. Therefore I do not see divorcing your "current" husband as sinful.

Major caution here...

No one should say "God only..."

 

[Sketcher]

As far as Scripture indicates, that is the only case where He recognizes divorce. And that's being generous. Many other passages do not even mention adultery as a legitimate excuse to divorce.

"He told her, 'Go, call your husband and come back.'
'I have no husband,' she replied.
Jesus said to her, 'You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.' "-John 4:16-18, emphasis mine

 

[jwebhead]

You married the new guy for completley selfish reasons (I think, I am right?) ...
By the way, I really don't think it's possible for kids to 'adapt well' in any situation like this, when dad is still alive but the new guy in mom's life is taking over...please get more informed on the impact your decisions are REALLY haveing on your children.

I married my 'new' hubby for many reasons. A) Love that we have for eachother (I am not going to say that was not selfish) also because B) and I mean this, he is a good man and it sounds like a contradiction now, but a Godly man and a better influence on the boys than their father. Their dad is a better 'part time' dad than a full time one. He was never there for the boys and now that he doesn't have to be he makes the time he is with them count.

As far as the new guy taking over, I am not sure what you mean exactly. (My parents are still together, so I guess I am asking if your are only because I wonder if you are speaking as a child of divorce. If so, then this is why I ask because I do not understand how long or what it means to have the new guy take over.) I think my hubby has done a great job in allowing the boys to 'come to him' per say, but again as I have no personal experience I do not know. I have spoken to the boys about it and they love their step-dad and grow closer each day. I try very hard to not fully focus on the marriage and focus more on a family without putting pressure on the boys to have full loyalties towards their step-dad and I encourage them that they are not 'betraying' their dad.

I feel like I may be rambling but I hope I made sense. The looking back at 75 and what story I want, I just am so confused about the issue of divorce and if it is wrong then how is divorcing for a second time the 'right' thing.

Oh how I wish God did audibly talk to us and tell us exactly what to do. I am just so confused.
I do appreciate the advice and I hope there are people praying for me. I am struggling

 

[jwebhead]

Jesus said to her, 'You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.' "-John 4:16-18, emphasis mine

HAVE HAD...no indication that the man she is living with is someone she formally married or if they are just living together.
No indication as to what she did then after that with the man she was 'with' now. Not much help.

 

[Anduron]

Matthew 5:31-32
"It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery."

 

[Sketcher]

Well, how about these:

"For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries another man." - Romans 7:2,3

"To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord." - 1 Cor 7:10,11,39

"But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery." - Matt 5:32

 

[jwebhead]

twistedsketch,
okay, more clear...thhose reading this thread, do not think of this question as trying to get justification, I am trying to get advice.
Does it matter that my ex-husband did admit to me before the divorce was final that he had been addicted and obsessed with pronography? If Jesus says that if we look at another with lust we have commited adultery...does this negate any of the scriptures you have quoted?

 

[desi]

twistedsketch,
okay, more clear...thhose reading this thread, do not think of this question as trying to get justification, I am trying to get advice.
Does it matter that my ex-husband did admit to me before the divorce was final that he had been addicted and obsessed with pronography? If Jesus says that if we look at another with lust we have commited adultery...does this negate any of the scriptures you have quoted?

Why don't you just do what you're going to do. As Christians our adivce and justification should come from the Bible.

 

[Rafael]

twistedsketch,
okay, more clear...thhose reading this thread, do not think of this question as trying to get justification, I am trying to get advice.
Does it matter that my ex-husband did admit to me before the divorce was final that he had been addicted and obsessed with pronography? If Jesus says that if we look at another with lust we have commited adultery...does this negate any of the scriptures you have quoted?

If we sin or a spouse sins, we are to help each other out of the sin and not divorce. So, no, the admitted sin isn't the same as the act or we could divorce for some pretty small offenses like looking at another women with lustful thoughts - not uncommon.

I think that we all weave some webs that catch us, and yours sounds difficult to deal with, too. I haven't been so fortunate as to have marriages work either, but I can look back now and see, as you have seen your selfishness, where I did the wrong thing, and I will have to count on the blood of Jesus to cover that sin or I am doomed. My plan is that there will be streets of gold for me to sweep, as I failed to obey very good in life, myself. Some plan, huh, as I cannot go back and fix them all now? Sometimes we have to sit in the garden we have planted in life. I hope yours bears good fruit, and like the rest of us, that our sins are covered and forgotten as far as the east is from the west.