Divorced and Child Support

[coons786c]

Here is my story,

I have been divorced for 5 yrs now and am remarried(2nd Marriage). Occasionally, I still feel hurt by the whole thing.
She had divorced me for various reasons, none of us are perfect. I never cheated on her, but do struggle with porn. Trying to overcome it. It was not to reason for the divorce only. I had my ways of raising my son and she had hers, we would argue and 1 day she just decided to live with her family again. I think outside friends may have had an influence on the divorce but I am not positive.

Anyway I have to pay $350.00 a month on child support for 1 child. I know it could be worse, but I always think maybe what would have prevented this divorce in the 1st place. My current wife is supportive and understanding in everything. The church I go to condems divorce, but it still happened to me. Is there anyone out their with a similar situation?
We had went to mediation a few yrs back to lower the child support less$100.00 but it did not happen. Oh my former wife is remarried now and yes I do get along with him. I need encouragement Thanks

 

[Autumnleaf]

That is rough. Thankfully you have a good woman to be with now. Its no good to focus on things you don't like but can not change. Focus on the blessings and you will feel blessed.

 

[overit]

bah...what can I say I can't respect a man that balks at paying ONLY, yes ONLY $350 for HIS OWN flesh and blood. This is money that helps clothe, feed, house your child. A child costs money-honestly I'm upset you would even try to lower it and resent what you do pay.

 

[dayknee]

I agree with overit.
It's appauling to even think of wanting to lower it. How old is the child? If the child is very young they require a lot of things. It is your job to do what you can do and not balk about having to pay so much. Which $350 is NOTHING. Just becuase the marriage ended and it was mostly her doing, does not mean you are not responsible to pay for your child. And you want to lower it to $250?? <shakes her head> shameful. That poor kid..hope the child never finds out anything so awful..

 

[PolarBear3]

It sounds like you're still hurting quite a bit from your divorce ... it can take a long time to heal. I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time.

There can be legitimate reasons to reduce child support (my ex and I did that), but in my state at least, it cannot be lowered because of anything your ex-wife did when she divorced you - it can only be lowered if the needs of the child change. So my advice would be to try and think of child support as for your child's benefit - not as a payment to your ex-wife. And if your child's expenses have changed (or your or your ex-wife's income have changed) or if you want to cover some of your child's expenses directly instead of handing a check to your ex-wife, you may want to try talking to your ex-wife about it or try going through mediation again.

And I think AutumnLeaf is right that it's good to focus on the good things that are happening in your life now instead of what has happened in the past.

 

[Autumnleaf]

bah...what can I say I can't respect a man that balks at paying ONLY, yes ONLY $350 for HIS OWN flesh and blood. This is money that helps clothe, feed, house your child. A child costs money-honestly I'm upset you would even try to lower it and resent what you do pay.

Give me a break. What does a kid use or need that costs $350 per month? Child support has become a form of exwife support for all too many men.

 

[dayknee]

Give me a break. What does a kid use or need that costs $350 per month? Child support has become a form of exwife support for all too many men.

Food, medicine, shampoo, deoderant, haircut, shoes, socks, any school functions say like...feild trips that cost money, lunch money and many other things.

I should know, I have two children and my son needs all these things. And whatever is left over from that goes into a seperate account for future needs that arise.

Sadly, there are many men do not wish to fulfill their responsibilities. And there are many women who have to get on food stamps and various types of government aid to help them make ends meet becuase, like the OP, they just don't want to give that much for their child.

 

[DZoolander]

lol - so wait - I'm still having a hard time understanding this post.

What's the guy asking? Is he seriously asking for advice on how to lower his child support from $350 to $250 per month?

I really had a hard time even following the point of the OP.

 

[drpepper101]

Food, medicine, shampoo, deoderant, haircut, shoes, socks, any school functions say like...feild trips that cost money, lunch money and many other things.

I should know, I have two children and my son needs all these things. And whatever is left over from that goes into a seperate account for future needs that arise.

Sadly, there are many men do not wish to fulfill their responsibilities. And there are many women who have to get on food stamps and various types of government aid to help them make ends meet becuase, like the OP, they just don't want to give that much for their child.

You know women are far more likely to default on their "child support" than men are per capita.

 

[drpepper101]

As for the OP, there really isn't much you can do about it. I tend to think a huge reason why women are so prone to divorce (and women file for the vast majority of divorces) is because they believe (often correctly) that family courts will give them the lion's share of the marital assets and monthly annuity payments that the courts call "child support." It's obviously an effective finanical incentive for divorce: you get nearly everything, monthly payments, and the court sancationed freedom to drive your ex out of his children's lives because you don't like him anymore. Why solve conflicts in parenting style when you can just boot the husband of the house, keep it, and have free range to let your little brats behave as they will?
As child support is tied to income, and often set at absurd levels, it certainly becomes back door alimony. For instance, men paying $1000 a month on a single child. There isn't a terrrible lot of research, probably because it would be a disaster for the family "court" system, on the actual costs of raising children. However, the federal data there is shows that middle and upper middle class people spend no more than 1,100-1,300 dollars monthly on children. Which includes many of the indulgence items that are in no way neccessary for children to grow up properly. Yet, oddly children of divorce seem to require so much more money, after all the CS payment is supposed to only represent half of the child's "needs."

My ex-wife was ordered to pay $654 monthly for our daughters, she never paid a dime of it and I didn't care. Supporting children is supporting children in your care, they weren't in her care anymore and I don't believe anyone is entitled to annuity payments that amount to little more than indentured servitude. Children do not own their parents, regardless of what the kangaroo court, er ah, family court system would have you believe. Nor should hard working people be deprived of their income to pay the costs of enforcing these "child support" orders and punishing those that will not comply.

 

[dayknee]

As for the OP, there really isn't much you can do about it. I tend to think a huge reason why women are so prone to divorce (and women file for the vast majority of divorces) is because they believe (often correctly) that family courts will give them the lion's share of the marital assets and monthly annuity payments that the courts call "child support." It's obviously an effective finanical incentive for divorce: you get nearly everything, monthly payments, and the court sancationed freedom to drive your ex out of his children's lives because you don't like him anymore. Why solve conflicts in parenting style when you can just boot the husband of the house, keep it, and have free range to let your little brats behave as they will?
As child support is tied to income, and often set at absurd levels, it certainly becomes back door alimony. For instance, men paying $1000 a month on a single child. There isn't a terrrible lot of research, probably because it would be a disaster for the family "court" system, on the actual costs of raising children. However, the federal data there is shows that middle and upper middle class people spend no more than 1,100-1,300 dollars monthly on children. Which includes many of the indulgence items that are in no way neccessary for children to grow up properly. Yet, oddly children of divorce seem to require so much more money, after all the CS payment is supposed to only represent half of the child's "needs."

My ex-wife was ordered to pay $654 monthly for our daughters, she never paid a dime of it and I didn't care. Supporting children is supporting children in your care, they weren't in her care anymore and I don't believe anyone is entitled to annuity payments that amount to little more than indentured servitude. Children do not own their parents, regardless of what the kangaroo court, er ah, family court system would have you believe. Nor should hard working people be deprived of their income to pay the costs of enforcing these "child support" orders and punishing those that will not comply.

Did this whole subject touch a sore spot with you?

Seems you have something against supporting the children you helped create.

Divorce happens for many reasons sadly, but the children still need to come first and be taken care of and I have absolutly no respect for anyone who cannot and will not pay child support. Men and women included. And I have even less respect for anyone who wants to lower it becuase they feel they should be paying less.

 

[drpepper101]

Did this whole subject touch a sore spot with you?

Seems you have something against supporting the children you helped create.

I worked in law enforcement for 27 years and hated it, but I did it for my girls. My ex-wife never put in a day of labor on their behalf. I also paid for both of them to go college out of pocket, but that's my choice. I won't even go into the legal fees it cost me to win custody over my idiot ex. My children do not own me, nor is one human being entitled to serve another.

Divorce happens for many reasons sadly, but the children still need to come first and be taken care of and I have absolutly no respect for anyone who cannot and will not pay child support. Men and women included. And I have even less respect for anyone who wants to lower it becuase they feel they should be paying less.

And I have no respect for anyone that believes they're owed an income for popping some kids out. Nor do I believe in demonizing the poor because they cannot afford "child support." Nor do I believe in attempting to pretend the child support system is about anything other than finanically crippling men for the sake of supporting women's divorce. You've got one hell of a sense of entitlement don't you?

 

[5kidsdad]

I have no problem paying support. I would just like for it to be fair for the non-custodial parent. I am at $1000 a month. My 5 kids mom used to work, now doesn't. My question, when did it become my sole responsibility to take care of the kids financially? I didn't want the divorce, I didn't go and have an affair. I want shared custody. Heck, even then I'd be willing to give up some cash, but not so much that I get strapped, and cannot live my own life after it all is over. I still have to provide for the 5 when I have them, buy their food, clothes, etc. I don't want to live with my family for another 15 years until my kids have all grown up, and another job would mean 2 things...more support coming out, and I would most likely have to work on the days I am supposed to have them. I don't question helping support them, I am just wanting fairness, that's all. Each one should have to help...equally, not to the detriment of the other.

5kd

 

[dayknee]

I worked in law enforcement for 27 years and hated it, but I did it for my girls. My ex-wife never put in a day of labor on their behalf. I also paid for both of them to go college out of pocket, but that's my choice. I won't even go into the legal fees it cost me to win custody over my idiot ex. My children do not own me, nor is one human being entitled to serve another.



And I have no respect for anyone that believes they're owed an income for popping some kids out. Nor do I believe in demonizing the poor because they cannot afford "child support." Nor do I believe in attempting to pretend the child support system is about anything other than finanically crippling men for the sake of supporting women's divorce. You've got one hell of a sense of entitlement don't you?

You're damn right I do. My husband neglected me, abused porn for 10 years, had online sexual relations with many other women, has verbally abused me and our children and has threatened to withhold financial support of our children. The demise of my marriage was nothing I wanted and nothing I asked for. The down fall of the marriage was his doing and his lack of repentence and unwillingness to change had nothing to do with me. So hell yes I expect child support.
You act like it is only women who file for divorce in your ridicoulously ignorant statement " for the sake of supporting women's divorce". Like women are the ONLY one's who file. Ignorant!
I did not ask for my estranged husband to do the crap that he did to me and our children so yes he is required to pay to help support them.

Your law enforcement career did not teach you anything about compassion for others and their situation, nor did it seem to teach you that every single situation is different.
What are you looking for? A brownie button becuase you raised your daughters and supported them? That is your job as a parent. Who the hell complains about that. I dont. I love taking care of my children and I do that ever single day without complaint. You talk as if you should be owed something for doing what you did.
Every single person who is in the situation of divorce and child support are not always there on their own volition. Get that straight before you label women in such a manner.

 

[stickin2thword]

As a solo parent, child support is not something I have had the fortune of receiving ...yet... and probably never will.... The fact is, it does make a difference to the lives of our children when child support is paid. I have 4 children at home ages ranging from 4 - 15 and each one has their own needs. We have gone without much to make ends meet and have often visited welfare agency's for food and/or financial help. My daughter has Cerebral Palsy which makes it difficult for me to work but I am managing to study.... The system is the problem, we are just the one's caught up in it..... child support like Social Security payments needs to be based on the individual circumstances of each family and all parties involved, including step children. Child Support Agency's also need to hold more power when it comes to obtaining much needed payments from those who refuse to pay. I don't know how the system works in America but, from the sounds of it it also has it's problems.... So sad really cause at the end of the day we all love our kids and want what is best for them.... In my situation, which I might add is only 260.00 a month, the money would make our lives just a little easier.
Ps. DrP... In Australia women often are the ones who file for divorce because when on a welfare payment the divorce comes free, where as if the "working" husband was to apply he would have to pay full court costs.... Don't know if it works the same where you come from.

 

[overit]

It's sad there are so many poor excuses of people balking at supporting their kids really. I'm all for fair...and at least here it's quite fair-they take in consideration both parents income in determining support-previously it was based on a percentage of the father/mothers pay-so much percentage depending on number of children. And believe me that amount covers basics pretty much. Unless you're talking of a guy who makes extremely good money then of course the CS will be much higher-but the woman probably has more costs to maintain based on their living situation.

THe courts basically want to ensure that the children are protected -you're the grown ups...get another job if you need to...but they also try to help maintain a semblance of lifestyle. You know I hear so many guys gripe but reality is with divorce typically the womens standard of life reduces while the mans typically betters a lot more (if they are the non-custodial parent)

ANd honestly I think it shows a huge entitlement problem if you don't think you should support the children you created. Man or woman-if drp wife didn't pay support that's your fault for not ensuring the courts collect. Judges here get mad when you don't pursue it-it's not about what makes it easier for you (oh....well...i don't have to deal w/the stress of it), you OWE it to the childrne to collect support, period. Whether it's for current needs, a savings or investment for college or to help get started in life, or if that money simply would have been used to help with common expenses. SOme parents chose not to pursue becaue they don't want an ex involved or deal w/them...sorry that's selfish and you are NOT doing what's best for the kids. you owe it to them to collect, period. It's not about YOU, it's about them. SO I fault the ones that don't pay, try to pay less, and the ones that don't collect or try to pursue collection of it..none of them are putting their kids best interests at heart-only serving their own.

There are so many needs...people just can't grasp the fact that the money goes to the custodial parent who then pays for the kids expenses...they want to create a seperate account they manage....it's stupid. And because they have animosity towards the ex they resent it. But really they are damaging their kids.

Kids have clothing needs, food needs, school lunches at times, school events, project, outings, birthdays, fundraisers, sporting event costs, dr appointments and expenses, housing...YES -your money also helps the custodial parent with a roof over your kids head! ....it's not about WHY the divorce happened, that's what people can't get it seems...why they divorced...it doesn't MATTER, what matters are the kids NOW, so people need to get over their bitter selves and do what is right for the kids NOW, this is how it should be.

 

[stickin2thword]

^^^^ Oi... Amen!!!!

 

[rppearso]

The one who is at fault in the marriage should be the one to support the kids (ie be left holding the bag), the neglected spouse now has to go find another mate and that takes money, Its already hard enought to find a GF as a single person I could not imagin how hard it would be trying to pay child support and dealing with an ex and kids and finding a GF. You could go work in azerbaijan and get out of both taxes and child support or sakhalin island. Who cares who respects you or not, look at enstines life and he became one of the most respected men in all of human history. 1000$ a month would put me into forclosure, of course I would just sell and pull the equity and leave the country, if ludicrious amounts of child support is going to force you to live in gov housing with gang bangers you might as well live in azerbaijan and be compensated for your risk. People are going to put guilt trips on you to get a desired response and control you, thats manipulation.

You have to live your life happy and normal but always be running the what if scenario in the back of your mind and be prepared to take drastic measures if the "what if's" play out because when they do play out most of the people closest to you will not be taking actions consistant with your best interestes. Right after my ex left me a number of church members went from friends to vipers, I maybe have one or two true friends in the chruch, its really sad but thats how people are

I have no problem paying support. I would just like for it to be fair for the non-custodial parent. I am at $1000 a month. My 5 kids mom used to work, now doesn't. My question, when did it become my sole responsibility to take care of the kids financially? I didn't want the divorce, I didn't go and have an affair. I want shared custody. Heck, even then I'd be willing to give up some cash, but not so much that I get strapped, and cannot live my own life after it all is over. I still have to provide for the 5 when I have them, buy their food, clothes, etc. I don't want to live with my family for another 15 years until my kids have all grown up, and another job would mean 2 things...more support coming out, and I would most likely have to work on the days I am supposed to have them. I don't question helping support them, I am just wanting fairness, that's all. Each one should have to help...equally, not to the detriment of the other.

5kd

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I've probably received a total of $1,000. in child support in 10 years for two kids. I left, but he filed the divorce. I haven't received a dime in 4 years. I also don't ever get weekends or evenings off, but since he was an idiot I'm glad he's not influencing my kids while he's enjoying his disability settlement in another country.

 

[rppearso]

Fault in the divorce and who filed are not the same, the one who files can be the one at fault or not. Some guys are smucks and the woman gets burned it goes both ways. The oneus should be put on the one who caused the divorce. Obviously the best thing is for the 2 to stay happily together. I just know alot of guys who had crazy wives and got burned and there can be sweet heart women with crazy guys too.

I've probably received a total of $1,000. in child support in 10 years for two kids. I left, but he filed the divorce. I haven't received a dime in 4 years. I also don't ever get weekends or evenings off, but since he was an idiot I'm glad he's not influencing my kids while he's enjoying his disability settlement in another country.