DivorceCare

[Manna]

Is there anyone else here taking part of this 13-wk class? It's pretty much a recovery group for divorcees. I've grown to have a love/hate relationship for it myself. I absolutely love the people, and the teaching is great...I've come a long way in just 5 weeks! But it is NOT easy to deal with certain issues!

I was just wondering if anyone had even heard of them!

 

[bkg]

Been through it...

Hated it. I'll never go through it again. The course is supposedly from a Godly perspective, but the video on forgiveness comes weeks AFTER the video on starting new relationships... I found the course to be lacking in the teachings of Christ, the Bible and simple moral fiber.

I've also found, in the two courses that I've baeen a part of, that there is very little healing that happens - I was in one course that was filled with people who were on their THIRD YEAR of the course and were remarried and as bitter as they were the day they divorced. I've also seen a lot of worldy teachings that were directly AGAINST the teachings of Christ.

I've heard more conversation about finding a good lawyer and making sure that "you get what you deserve" and "protect what is yours" than I have words of forgiveness and encouragement of restoration.

I think the course needs a strict Biblical review...

EDIT:
I know that I sound very down on the course. And frankly, I am. I have heard recently that a re-vamped course is coming out this fall, and I hope that it's better. Sadly, this is the only thing that seems available to Christians. Even more sad, is there is very little (that I have found in my limited research) that churches are doing to PREVENT people from having to go through this class.

If anyone goes through this course, please make sure that the church/teachings/teachers adhere to Christ's words and teachings... and are not there simply to tickle the ears of the people attending...

Just my opinion...

 

[bkg]

Wow... I sound bitter...

I'm not... just cautionery.

 

[Manna]

Wow, I haven't seen anything like that yet. Like I said, I'm only about a month into it. The classes that I have been through have handled anger, depression and loneliness. Now, I can only speak for those three topics, but nothing covered (or skipped) in them has been off the mark, as far as I'm concerned. I am so sorry that it was such a negative experience for you. I hate that it was like that. And who knows, it could turn that way for me, too. But as for right this moment, I am loving it. But now that I'm analyzing it a little more, I think that I love it so much because of the people there. I don't look forward to the videos (although I have found them quite helpful so far on dealing with those three topics) as much as I look forward to the fellowship. The group of ladies that I am with is absolutely wonderful. They are incredibly strong Christian women (there is not a woman in there that is OKAY with divorce) and we've grown to become an amazing support system for one another. So far, it's wonderful. There's hardly any "legal talk" going on like you were mentioning...It's horrible that the people you knew were like that...I don't see how they were even pretending to think that those attitudes were going to help someone spiritually!!

Again, I'm sorry that you had such a negative experience. I hope my group doesn't turn into that! I'll be looking for those portions of the tapes that you were talking about...and hopefully the new ones coming out in the fall will be better!!!

Anna

 

[bkg]

There's hardly any "legal talk" going on like you were mentioning...It's horrible that the people you knew were like that...I don't see how they were even pretending to think that those attitudes were going to help someone spiritually!!

This is a very good sign, in my opinion. Our group has grown close, but are starting to separate a bit, I think. Some of us are standers, and I don't think we've received much "support" if you will. Your group sounds much different, which is GREAT!

I'm just cautionary, as I said, based on my two experiences.

 

[Manna]

I'm just cautionary, as I said, based on my two experiences.

I completely understand, and respect you for being so cautious! I would hope that would be the case. Again, I am sorry that you have not received the support that you should have in your group. From what you said, it sounded like you are still in the group...how many more weeks do you have to go?

 

[bkg]

From what you said, it sounded like you are still in the group...how many more weeks do you have to go?

Well... this could get into a very long conversation...

The group was "over" this spring. But many in the group (of about 7?) wanted to continue to meet, so we kept on meeting through out the summer, though w/o the videos. The group had become pretty close - i have made some AMAZING friends from that group, and I wouldn't trade them for anything. But there, in my opinion, adark cloud that has hung over the group for a while.

I think one of the unfortunate outcomes of a divorce is that we are often so lonely that we latch onto anyone who will take us. That often becomes a support group-type setting. While there are some positives to that - common experiences being one of them, support potentially another - it also lays the opportunity for potentially unhealthy, dependent relationships.

ALL that being said, I have left the group in the past, as I thought it was impossible to Stand for my marriage while learning how to heal from a divorce and "move on". I was asked to return to share my position and speak out FOR marriage and restoration... I also believe wholeheartedly that God wanted me there - for some reason.

Blah blah blah blah... I'm rambling. The concept of divorceCare is a good and necessary one. I personally believe the course needs a re-vamp and that all instructures need to be cautious to prevent discussions from turning away from God and towards wordly issues. Sounds like you have a great class!!!! And that's a GOOD THING!

 

[Manna]

that's a GOOD THING!

Yep! If anyone else has anything to add, please do not hesitate! But as for this thread being the place for a conversation between the two of us, let's take it elsewhere! =) Thanks so much for your input...I'll get back to you through a pm!

anna

 

[mghalpern]

Two very different experiences—Imagine that! I'll add a third point of view as I'm attending for the first time tonight. They are in their second week, so I'm not sure if they began the videos yet. I am not divorced (and prayerfully never will be), but there is no place for those who are separated (marrieds group...no, singles...no, divorce...not really, etc.). I believe the Lord is leading me to possible start a group sometime soon. I have been a singles pastor in my church and I'm currently in a master's program for Christian counseling, so maybe I can be used to help in the healing process of the separated (that don't seem to have a place in life - especially the church). I love what bkg said about the church not having anything in place to PREVENT separation/divorce. If we followed the biblical teachings, we would address this by talking to our spouse, bringing two or three others (like pastors, elders, etc.) before our spouse, then addressing it before the church body if need be. This isn't followed very often in our contemporary churches any more...Michael

 

[Manna]

If we followed the biblical teachings, we would address this by talking to our spouse, bringing two or three others (like pastors, elders, etc.) before our spouse, then addressing it before the church body if need be. This isn't followed very often in our contemporary churches any more...

Excellent post! I completely agree. All of the women in my group agree that we should have attended these classes BEFORE we were married. They would have been great tools for preparation.

Anna

 

[bkg]

I love what bkg said about the church not having anything in place to PREVENT separation/divorce. If we followed the biblical teachings, we would address this by talking to our spouse, bringing two or three others (like pastors, elders, etc.) before our spouse, then addressing it before the church body if need be. This isn't followed very often in our contemporary churches any more...Michael

If you do follow through on this, PLEASE let me know. I have been talking to my Adult Ministries pastor about this exact idea for about 6 months!!!

 

[JohnInMichigan]

I've been going to a local Divorce Care Group for 4 weeks now. My wife filed for divorce suddenly, without warning when she returned from visiting a girlfriend and discovered that she had feelings for another guy there and realized our marriage was over at that point. Anyhow, I found the Divorce Care Group and was hesitant at first thinking...
"I'm not divorced yet and still in shock". Yet, I discovered support that can only come from those who've been down the same road before you. The videos provide insight into what I'm feeling/experiencing and the small group discussions afterward allow me to express and learn from others. So far, this has all been very Biblical with regard to what I should be doing right now. Some have shared their mistakes (getting into dating or relationships too soon after a divorce or seeking worldly methods of support instead of relying entirely upon Jesus Christ). I look forward to this Group every week as I struggle to make it through everyday wondering how to get on with life. I know without a doubt that God can and will take this situation and turn it around for His good (which is ultimately my good). I also know that this could be a long road to recovery and will test my faith like never before. As with anything, we need to pray and seek God's will. If our focus is Christ centered, we'll know what to avoid and what to embrace.

 

[mghalpern]

This may be premature, but I'm going to post anyways. I attended my first DivoceCare group on Friday night and was sorely disappointed. There was only one other person in the "group" and the couple who facilitated it. Both of the leaders had been divorced (which I understand that at least one of them has to be divorced in order to head a DC group), but the way they talked about their former mates and how easy it seemed to get past the mess (emotionally, not legally) surprised me. The legal issues were more of a consideration than any discussion about God's will/His Word...anything spiritual. Then the other gentleman appeared to be mostly responding to his feelings (and financial protection) by filing for divorce. I asked why he didn't file for a legal separation, but he said he was already past considering that option. I'm separated, not divorced and this group was not very supportive and certainly not at all hopeful that my wife and I would be reconciled. Don't think I'll be going back. Still need to develop a group for people who are separated (and possibly divorced) who are standing for the reconciliation of their marriages. Yes...I get up everyday and get on with my life, but I also still believe that my marriage will be restored. If not, I'll consider what the Lord has for me to pursue...it may not be another person. I HATE being alone just as much as most singles I have pastored/counseled, but I have also seen way too many people move from one relationship to the next. If God has someone else in my future...He'll let me know. For now, I'm a married man and have only one woman I want to spend the rest of my life with...my wife...Michael

 

[JohnInMichigan]

I'm with you.
I'm amazed at how many people (Christians included) who 'give up' on the idea of reconciliation. My wife came home 5 weeks ago and told me that she had feelings for someone else and wanted a divorce. Nothing had been going on; there were no discussions about problems, she simply realized by her having feelings for someone else that she was finished with our marriage. Nothing I could say would cause her to reconsider. She has avoided talking to our pastor and all close friends we've known for years at church. Her mind is made up to leave behind our children (20 and 15), our home.. everything for someone she knew 20yrs ago and has not been in contact with since but was convinced during one weekend of talking with this person that it was the right thing to do.
Needless to say, I'm devastated. Our son's are devasted. She has expressed no chance of us ever getting back together. Still, my soul is telling me to 'Stand' for our marriage (even though this has become a physical affair). The difference between my wife telling me she 'knows' in her heart that what she is doing is right and what I feel in my heart is right comes down what God's word say's. I don't take our marriage covenant lightly. I realize that God can change her heart only when she turns to Him and listens to the spirit within her. Reconciliation is not too big for God. If we just give up and not trust God or pray for restoration, our we really being faithful to what God would have us do?

 

[bkg]

Needless to say, I'm devastated. Our son's are devasted. She has expressed no chance of us ever getting back together. Still, my soul is telling me to 'Stand' for our marriage (even though this has become a physical affair). The difference between my wife telling me she 'knows' in her heart that what she is doing is right and what I feel in my heart is right comes down what God's word say's. I don't take our marriage covenant lightly. I realize that God can change her heart only when she turns to Him and listens to the spirit within her. Reconciliation is not too big for God. If we just give up and not trust God or pray for restoration, our we really being faithful to what God would have us do?

AMEN!!! Well said!

 

[mghalpern]

I'm with you.
I'm amazed at how many people (Christians included) who 'give up' on the idea of reconciliation. My wife came home 5 weeks ago and told me that she had feelings for someone else and wanted a divorce. Nothing had been going on; there were no discussions about problems, she simply realized by her having feelings for someone else that she was finished with our marriage. Nothing I could say would cause her to reconsider. She has avoided talking to our pastor and all close friends we've known for years at church. Her mind is made up to leave behind our children (20 and 15), our home.. everything for someone she knew 20yrs ago and has not been in contact with since but was convinced during one weekend of talking with this person that it was the right thing to do.
Needless to say, I'm devastated. Our son's are devasted. She has expressed no chance of us ever getting back together. Still, my soul is telling me to 'Stand' for our marriage (even though this has become a physical affair). The difference between my wife telling me she 'knows' in her heart that what she is doing is right and what I feel in my heart is right comes down what God's word say's. I don't take our marriage covenant lightly. I realize that God can change her heart only when she turns to Him and listens to the spirit within her. Reconciliation is not too big for God. If we just give up and not trust God or pray for restoration, our we really being faithful to what God would have us do?

I'm so sorry to hear this, but I am standing with you as well. We are definitely not alone. It's just difficult to find many people out there who ARE with us on this one. I totally agree with you position. Affair or no affair; this is not our ticket to ride (off into the sunset w/o our spouse). From all my conversations with and research regarding those who have experienced infidelity, most think it's there ticket out rather than seeking what the Lord would have them do. Please don't get me wrong, the only thing that a spouse can do that "feels" worse is physical abuse or their death...Michael